


Quetiapine

by wirramirra



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anorexia, Anxiety, Daddy Issues, Doctor/Patient, Dom/sub Undertones, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Hospitals, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love at First Sight, M/M, Medical Kink, Mental Health Issues, Near Death Experiences, Pining, Power Play, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Relationship Problems, Schizophrenia, Self-Hatred, Sexual Fantasy, Swearing, Texting, Topping from the Bottom, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-02-09 08:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 136,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18634498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wirramirra/pseuds/wirramirra
Summary: It hasn't even been a year since Jaehyun swore the Hippocratic oath to become a doctor, when a particularly peculiar patient walks in to his office with the power to bring everything the young doctor swore to be crashing down. When his colleagues tell him not to get too invested with this one patient it is already too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let's try this out. I'm a licensed medical doctor, but for the sake of drama and entertainment the medical stuff is quite simplified here. Poor Jaehyun is really going to violate his professionalism in this fic...
> 
> //Sorry for spelling errors. English is my third language.

”...and my joints are aching every time I come back from the store so my grandson is telling me to take the bus but no, how could I pay for bus tickets every day? So I prefer walking but my knees are aching so very much afterwards and-“  
  
Jaehyun tried to interrupt the talkative granny politely. “Mam, have you been taking your paracetamol?  
And did the Etoricoxib I prescribed you earlier have any effect?”  
  
The granny made big gestures with her hand and shook her head. “No no, I don’t believe in drugs!”  
  
“Oh” Just typical. Jaehyun held back a sigh before continuing. “Did you go to the physiotherapist?”  
  
“Yes I did, but the physiotherapist was this young man who wanted to massage my back and good gracious, I couldn’t accept such vulgarity? Then he told me to start strengthening my joint-supporting muscles, but I really hate exercise so I told him I’m not interested in his help”  
  
“Mhm, is that so”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jung Jaehyun is a young doctor, pretty recently graduated too, doing his communal services at the local health care center. The work was rewarding at times and certainly quite uplifting too, meeting all kinds of people from all ages concerned about their small daily struggles.  He was especially liked around his younger patients and their parents – Some said that there was something very soothing and trustworthy about his gentle features and kind, warm eyes. He had actually thought about specializing in pediatrics as soon as he was done with his duties as a general practitioner.

He liked his older patients too, but sometimes he just felt ridiculously helpless especially when confronted with patients who didn’t want to take their drugs and didn’t really except the non-pharmaceutical treatment methods either. People wanted to be free of their pain at once, without any efforts and preferably as cheaply as possible. Unfortunately basic western medicine didn’t work that way – without patience and dedication to follow the treatment plan it was hard to reach that desirable normative state.

So many days he left his examination room feeling extremely tired from trying to convince the common people that there were no magical cures for anything. He liked his job, but it sometimes sucked exactly all his energy out him.  
  
He had a boyfriend to support him, but recently they’ve been seeing each other just less and less. The other worked at a tech company so they really didn’t have anything in common workwise. They met via Tinder and therefore didn’t really have any common friends either. But he was very good looking and intelligent, so he had enjoyed his company well enough. Jaehyun knew however that he wasn’t the man he would spend the rest of his life with – he just hoped his boyfriend didn’t believe the opposite. But the set-up he had with his current boyfriend (casual, not-too serious, living in their own apartments) suited his life style at the moment more than well, so he didn’t feel like risking it at the moment. His work took too much of his time anyway.   
  
He remembered that he got a text earlier that he hadn’t had time to open yet.  
  
16:20 Ho-Sub<3  
 _“You wanna join me to the gym later? xoxo miss you”_  
  
Jaehyun typed a quick reply before continuing with his prescription renewals.  
  
17:05  
 _“I need to stay at work until late today, maybe on saturday? kisses”_  
  
He hadn’t even put down his phone before the answer came.  
  
17:06 Ho-Sub<3  
 _“But jaejae I haven’t seen you for four days?”_  
  
Jaehyun groand. He knew. He was just way too occupied with aching joints and ear infections that couldn’t wait to the next day. He had a reputation to be concerned with, so he preferred to do his job impeccably even though it meant he sacrificed his own free time for it. His colleague and best friend Johnny who worked at the same health care center thought he was mad for staying at work so late just to finish off all the requests for prescriptions and consultations and endless statements the same day as they were requested for.  
  
“People should be able to wait for their damn anti-hypertensives a few days, don’t work your ass off just to be a people pleaser” Johnny gronad when he saw Jaehyun buried under digital paperwork once again.  
  
“It’s not like they are dying anyways”  
  
“How could you know? What if this person burst a vessel in his brains when his blood pressure shoots through the roof? It would be my fault eventually” Jaehyun said defensively.  
  
“Gosh, don’t think like that, that would be so unlucky. Dying people go to the hospital, they don’t come here” Johnny replied.  
  
Jaehyun shrugged. He lost a patient once to a stroke that neither he or his senior could predict. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but the fact that he couldn’t save her still haunted him. He picked up his phone again.

 _17:08_  
 _“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow! Maybe dinner at my place?”_  
  
Jaehyun knew his boyfriend preferred to visit his apartment. Jaehyun lived in a posh up-town condo, big enough for two. Ho-Sub-ah had his toothbrush there and quite a lot of clothes too, but he still hadn’t allowed him to move in there for real. He had told him that he felt it was too early to move in together yet, and he had luckily accepted it as a fair enough reason. Besides, his parents liked to sleep over now and then since their own house was outside Seoul. The apartment had been a graduation gift to him (yes, they were rich but preferred to live outside the city now when they’d retired from the business world) so he couldn’t really say no when they came downtown and asked to use the guestroom. They liked Ho-Sub, however, especially since they themselves had been running a big tech company for years.  
  
“He’s so smart, that boyfriend of yours. He would definitely suit well at our company! And then if you adopt kids someday you need to put him or her into the company as well so that we could make a family business out of this, haha!” His mother used to say.  
  
Jaehyun was lucky to have such open minded, modern parents.  
“Mhm” he used to mumble, not really caring about the family business since it was completely different from his own profession.

Anyway, he had promised Ho-Sub to make dinner, so he made sure to work a little extra tonight so that he could go home at 17 o’clock like he was supposed to. He usually didn't like cooking, so he thought he could surprise him with actually doing something extra special and homemade tonight. They would enjoy it over good wine, talk about the weather and sports, Ho-Sub would talk about some boring business partners and Jaehyun would zone out to think about some particularly interesting patient case that he obviously couldn’t talk about due to patient data security. Then they would have sex and Jaehyun would come and feel content for maybe 5 minutes before he felt bored and empty again. And then they’d fall asleep. That was his boring G.P. life.

 

 

Little did Jaehyun know that the week after that would be much more interesting. It was the middle of the week and Jaehyun had already been threatened by drunks twice, got chocolate from a sweet old lady and made at least ten kids cry by just showing up in his white coat and stethoscope. He hadn’t had time to eat lunch today so his nerves were wearing thin. Only one more patient before he could start dealing with the paper work. He checked his phone quickly; 5 unread messages from Ho-Sub. Of course. He’d deal with it later. He probably wanted to meet up since they hadn’t seen each other since Saturday when they went to the gym together and had dinner afterwards. Jaehyun didn’t open the texts just yet, not wanting to run late for his appointment just because he got triggered by Ho-Sub's disappointed emoticons. So he put away his phone and opened the info about his final patient of the day instead. A 26 year old male who didn’t have too many visits to the health care center from before. Only some renewals of Quetiapine and some skin lotion. Jaehyun looked at himself in the mirror when going towards the door. He looked tired as hell. He brushed through his thick, caramel hair so that it would look even a little bit more decent and went to take in his final patient.  
  
“Lee Taeyong?”  
  
A pink haired boy looked up at him with saucer sized eyes. He visibly flinched when his name was called. Jaehyun felt a shiver going through his spine – the boy sitting in the waiting room was probably the most beautiful man he’d seen in real life – heck, probably the most beautiful he’d ever seen anywhere. He was sitting in the chair with his shoulder's tensed up to his ears, one foot nervously tapping against the floor. Jaehyun scanned him as a whole (remember, visual habitus is an important part of any patient’s examination); he looked small and brittle in his giant jumper with sleeves way too long for his arms. He wore ripped skinny jeans and untied, heavily worn yellowish sneakers that probably once were white. Jaehyun waited for the boy to get up, but he didn’t. He just stared at him nervously with those huge puppylike eyes of his. Jaehyun noticed his sharp jaw and his straight nose – he didn’t look typically Korean at all. Maybe one of his parents was Caucasian or something? (Family history; Also an important part of any patient’s examination)  
  
“Taeyong?” He said again.  
  
The boy looked briefly to his left and right only to find that he was the only one in the waiting room. Therefore he was Lee Taeyong whether he tried to lie or not.  
  
He slowly got up from the chair, revealing mile long legs peeping out under the hem of his gray jumper. Jaehyun couldn’t drag his eyes away from the older boy – he was a grand thing to look at for sure. He swallowed and stepped aside to let his patient in. Jaehyun felt drunk when his nostrils were filled by the sweet perfume the boy was wearing.  
  
In a haze he sat himself behind his computer, and tried to gather himself for his professionalism’s sake. What on earth was happening? Did he get some virus from some of his flu patients?  
  
The other boy was looking straight into his eye, looking awfully tense and awkward. He was pulling at the strings from his ripped jeans, working the rip wider.  
  
“What-…” Jaehyun had to cough. “Excuse me, what can I do for you today?”  
  
The other blinked a few times before opening his pretty pink mouth.  
  
“Are you actually a doctor? I came here to see a doctor” He said raising one eyebrow.  
  
Jaehyun blinked a few times in surprise. He looked pretty young for sure with his slightly chubby cheeks and milky skin; And he was indeed two years younger than the man before him.  But it wasn’t uncommon for talented students to graduate early.  
  
“Well, yes, I am indeed, I got my license last year. Were you expecting someone else?”  
  
“No, you are fine. You just don’t look like a doctor”  
  
Jaehyun chuckled nervously. He checked himself in the mirror right, hope he didn’t miss some shit between his teeth?   
  
“Okay. Well. Tae-.. Taeyong, right? So. What can I help you with?”  
   
“I have trouble breathing” he said quickly.  
  
Jaehyun scanned him immediately one more time. Long legs for miles, the sharpest jawline he had ever seen, pink, plush lips matching his fringe that was way too long… He slapped himself mentally. Pneumonia? Easily ruled out by examination. Smoker? No, he didn’t smell like that. Asthma? Nah, there weren’t any inhalators in the prescription list. Bad physical fitness? Maybe. Lung embolism? Hardly. Cystic fibrosis? Maybe, he might have an European parent carrying the gene. Panic attack? Hmm… most likely, considering he have an anti-psychotic drug prescribed from before.  
  
“Okay. Well. Could you tell me a little bit more about yourself? We don’t seem to have that much on record”  
  
The other was fidgeting nervously. “Why do you want to know more about me?”  
  
“Ehm, it’s just protocol, it’s easier for me to know what diseases you could be predisposed for”  
  
“Oh” The pink haired boy scratched his neck. “Oh. Well. I’m 26 years old and I’m… I’m a student? At least I guess I still am even though I’m focusing more on dancing now than pharmaceutics at uni. I guess I’m pretty healthy?”  
  
“You take Quetiapine? Why?”  
  
“Oh, yeah, that. I suffered from an eating disorder a few years ago and the drug kind of stayed with me. I’m fine now, though. I’ve gained a lot of weight, really”  
  
Jaehyun looked at his bony wrists. "Gained a lot..." So typical. Either he was lying or a “big weight gain” for him meant two or three kilos max. But honestly speaking, he looked healthy enough; his cheeks puffed up cutely when he made certain facial expressions.

  
“Could you tell me more about your breathing problems?” Jaehyun’s phone buzzed  but he ignored it.  
  
Taeyong told him about how he nowadays gets tired real quickly when dancing, feeling like he can’t get enough oxygen, and it’s been going on for maybe a month. Apart from dancing he really avoids physical exertion. He’s afraid he’ll lose his spot in the dance team if he gets injured or something. He denies panic attacks when Jaehyun asks about those – he recognizes anxiety attacks from a few years before, and this breathlessness wasn’t it. While he speaks Jaehyun’s phone is buzzing really annoyingly on the table. It’s Ho-Sub, so he just mutes the call, hoping his thickheaded boyfriend would get the message. He notices that his patient is getting really nervous about the phone, and ends up biting his nails like he hadn’t had a proper meal for weeks.  
  
“Sorry about that” Jaehyun says. The other just nods with his big doe-eyes and pulls nervously at his pink hair with his other hand that isn’t in his mouth. It was kind of adorable. But it didn’t seem quite normal for a 26 year old to be that fidgety unless he wasn’t suffering from some kind of withdrawal symptoms, nicotine perhaps?  
  
“You seem anxious. Why? Or is this your normal behavior?” Jaehyun asks trying to sound as neutral as possible.  
  
“Ehm” The other says hesitantly, “I gotta be honest with you – I don’t really like going to the doctor”  
  
Jaehyun smiled a little. “It’s completely normal – no-one likes it, except for some of ladies who come here only to brag about their kids or downtalk their ex-husbands who may or may not have caused their anger-management problems”  
  
“They probably only come here to talk to you because you’re young and handsome” the other said innocently.  
  
The doctor blushed a little. That statement had probably way more truth in it than Jaehyun’s professional belief in that those women just wanted some sleeping pills.  
  
“Is there some particular reason you don’t like going to the doctor? Did you have a fear of needles as a child?”  
  
The pink haired boy chuckled nervously. “No, I have tattoos and piercing’s so that’s not the case. Five years back my sister had a miscarriage and this older “doctor” treating me at the moment told me it’s my fault for stressing her out with my fucked up way of living. He told me to “It’s obnoxious of you to starve yourself, just eat, eat some cake and enjoy it like normal people” and prescribed me some benzodiazepines since he thought I had some nervous breakdown since I was crying at his office. I hated my body for two years before I slowly started to get better by myself. I haven’t been to the doctor’s since. I’m just renewing my quetiapine since I’m afraid what will happen if I stop taking it”  
  
The doctor was surprised to see how open this fidgety, nail biting boy was about his state of mind and body. And at the same time he felt some foul, twisted feeling resembling anger build up inside him when he thought about how shitty some of his so-called colleagues could be. Who in his right mind would ever tell someone suffering from an eating disorder that it was their fault and they could just stop the behavior by stuffing their face with cake? It was like telling a depressed person to “just cheer up”! No, he really felt like he wanted to win this boy over onto his side, no matter what. He wouldn’t let go of this patient – this was HIS patient, and HE would make him trust medicine again. An almost possessive instinct took over him, and for a moment he felt his professionality slip aside.  
  
“Oh. That colleague of mine handled your case completely wrong, I’m so sorry to hear that.  But I can assure you I went to a good university and I will do the best to help you” Jaehyun touched the pink haired boy’s arm kindly to strengthen the doctor-patient relationship (let’s say it’s that). The older flinched a bit, but didn’t protest or drag away his arm.  
  
“We’ll sort this breathing problem out and if you want to we could work on the quetiapine dosages later, right? No stress, alright?”  
  
The older nodded in confirmation, and Jaehyun could see his shoulder’s relaxing.  
“Sounds good. My sister forced me here so I might as well make the best out of it” Taeyong said with a cute smile, earning a wide dimpled smile back.  
  
Just as he did that Jaehyun’s phone buzzed for the fourth time. He swore to himself and turned to check the screen one more time. It was Ho-Sub again, for obvious reasons. He had to pick it up because he was too technically impaired to understand how to turn of the mute buzzing in his phone settings. He excused himself to the patient before hissing into the phone.  
  
“I’m seeing a patient, I can’t talk right now!!! You don’t need to call me four times in a row if I don’t answer”. He heard Ho-Sub yelling something about how he had been waiting for him to update on his plans for the evening, but he couldn’t bother listening to his rant so he just excused himself and ended the call.    
  
Jaehyun sighed and turned back to his patient. “I’m really sorry, personal issues…”

“Was it your girlfriend?” The older asked curiously, looking at the doctor’s fingers to notice the absence of a ring (well, in truth doctors would never wear rings at work for hygienic reasons – there’s like a zillion bacteria living under rings)

  
“Huh?” That wasn’t any of his business. Jaehyun didn’t need to answer, but he still did. After all, he tried to do his best to let this stuck-up country know how proud he was of his sexuality. “No, my boyfriend, actually”  
  
The older raised one of his eyebrows again with a slight smirk playing on his lips. “Oh? You don’t look gay”  
  
The comment would have triggered the doctor quite a lot if he wasn’t at work where he was supposed to act professionally. He hated those kinds of blunt assumptions, and even though he tried, he couldn’t keep a completely straight face (pun not intended).  
  
“Really? I suppose you’re an expert on the subject?” Jaehyun said sarcastically, scribbling down some nonsense on his notepad.  
  
When the older didn’t reply, he looked up at him from his notepad. The older’s beautiful lips had curved into a honest smile, and his eyes had something mischievous about them that made Jaehyun shiver.  
  
“What if I am?” He finally said in a wicked voice.  
  
Jaehyun stared at him for a while feeling his ears getting redder and redder. What an awfully weird boy. He pulled at his tie trying to loosen it a bit around his neck. Why was he making him feel this uncomfortable in his clothes?  
  
“Ehem. Anyways. I wanna run some basic blood tests on you and check your x-ray, if you’re okay with that”  
  
The older’s eyes widened again. “X-rays? I won’t get cancer, right? Or turn into a Marvel character? ”  
  
Jaehyun chuckled. “No, you won’t get cancer from x-rays. The amount of radiation is quite small. I promise”. He got up from his chair and picked up his stethoscope and lamp. “I will need to examine you before that though”.  
  
Jaehyun examines people every day. He listens to lungs, he looks into ears, he open pus-filled abscesses, he does gynecological exams, he makes more male rectal prostate-exams that he really wants to, he makes patients do all kind of funny facial expression to check their neurological status. But for some ridiculous reason he felt nervous right now – he felt exactly as shaky as when he was just a mere stupid medical student in his way too big white coat examining his very first patient. And it was all because of the boy in front of him with his beautiful features – so very beautiful so that his civil admiration seeped through into his professional self. It wasn’t acceptable, to say the least. A doctor should never ever be this affected by his patient – he or she shouldn’t care the least even if the President of the country walked into the office.  
  
He looked at the packet of nitrile gloves. He usually examined his patient with gloves, especially during flu season. But Jaehyun’s hands were itching to feel that tanned skin without the medium of plastic between. Luckily he heard his patient blow his runny nose which that was enough for Jaehyun to put his gloves on. He wouldn’t risk contaminating himself even though how attractive his patient was. When he turned around to face the boy his eyes fixated on a shiny piece of jewelry stuck to the boy's chest. He swallowed at the sight of the pierced nipple and focused all his energy of looking at anything else, really.   
  
The boy’s breath hitched when Jaehyun placed the cold stethoscope onto his bare chest. Jaehyun mumbled a sorry before concentrating on listening to his heart sounds. The boy’s heart sounded fine, but his own racing heartrate was beating annoyingly in his temples. _Concentrate_ , he told himself multiple times before moving to the boy’s backside to listen to his lungs. The boy had something like a mullet going on, and Jaehyun felt incredibly awkward when he moved the hair out of the way with his shaky hands. He gripped the boy’s shoulder steadily with his gloved hand to hide any signs on tremor. With all the professionalism he had, he listened to the boy’s lungs long and thoroughly, hearing the flow of air going in and out of the boy’s tiny frame. It sounded well enough – he couldn’t hear anything that would explain the breathlessness he was suffering from.  
  
He then put the stethoscope away and started palpating the boy’s neck and clavicles. The boy’s skin was quite cool against his hot hands. He was happy for the gloves – he might have had some nasty hand sweat otherwise considering how nervous he was. His patient was easy to examine; so thin and bony that all abnormalities and protrusions could easily be felt under Jaehyun’s fingers.  
  
“What are you doing?” The boy asked when Jaehyun moved to feel his armpits. 

  
“I’m feeling for any enlarged lymph nodes that might tell about infection. I can’t find any so you’re good” Jaehyun said hastily and pulled back his hands. The boy crossed his arms over his chest and looked like he was freezing. For sporting such a bold hairstyle he was kind of shy, Jaehyun deduced.  
  
After measuring the boy’s blood pressure Jaehyun kneeled before the boy to feel for pulses and possible swellings. His patient blushed when he saw the handsome young doctor kneel before his feet, mind probably wandering to completely different situations involving knees on the floor. The whole interaction between them was purely clinical and therefor completely innocent, but they both knew that the other was getting affected by the situation in the most uncomfortable way. Jaehyun cleared his voice while quickly feeling the boy’s lean calves and palpating the strong pulsation from his arteria tibialis posterior and dorsalis pedis.  
  
“All good” He mumbled and straighten his back again. The boy looked nervously at him with his huge dark eyes.  
  
“I can’t find anything wrong with you. As I already told you we’ll take some blood test, an x-ray and schedule a PEF-measurement to rule out asthma”  
  
“What blood tests exactly?”  
  
“Uhm, just the basic ones, complete blood count, kidneys, electrolytes, liver, thyroid, sedimentation rate… “ Jaehyun’s brained went through all the possible lab-tests he could choose to check that might cause breathlessness and tiredness. “Hey, have you lost weight recently?”  
  
“I don’t know, It’s not good for me to weigh myself. I guess my weight fluctuates a bit” the pink haired boy answers quietly. “By the way, can I put my hoodie back on?”  
  
“Huh? Oh, oh yes of course….” Jaehyun says awkwardly. He watches the boy get dressed again. The doctor hides a smile when a mop of pink hair pops out of the hoodie, all ruffled up and simply adorable. When he’s ready, Jaehyun continues the questioning.  
  
“Do you smoke? How much alchohol do you use?”  
  
“Uhm, I don’t smoke and I guess I don’t drink more than other people my age?”  
  
“How about other drugs?”  
  
The boy hesitated a bit before answering. “I’ve tried some”  
  
“Intravenous?”  
  
The boy instantly shakes his head and answers confidently that he hasn’t done that.  
  
“Okay, good. I’m just trying to figure out if I need to check some other blood tests like hepatitis, hi-virus et cetera… Is there any chance of STD’s? Do you use protection during intercourse?”  
  
The pink haired boy blushed violently and cringed visibly. For Jaehyun that was a completely normal anamnestic question, abut he was used to seeing people panic a little when confronted with it.  
  
“Uhm… There’s no risk for it, I haven’t…  I've just been involved in oral... intercourse” The boy said awkwardly. “I’m sorry, is this necessary?”  
  
Jaehyun raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth before thinking it through. “I thought you said you were an expert?” He instantly regretted the question after if left his mouth – he should never, ever, say something like that to a patient. "And yes, we need to know to rule out contagious diseases"   
  
The boy opened his mouth to say something but swallowed his own words with a sad sob, guilt-tripping Jaehyun.   
  
“Sorry. That was utterly unprofessional. It’s good you’re careful. I won’t ask again” Jaehyun apologized and felt his ears getting red. For such a comment he deserved a complaint and a warning, but his gut feeling doubted that this pink haired boy would go so far as making an official complaint. The boy nodded and gave him an assuring smile that it was okay.  
  
They sit quiet for a while when Jaehyun programs the blood tests and makes a referral to the x-ray.  
  
“I’ll prescribe you this short acting inhalator you can try if you get out of breath. If it works, then it means that you probably have overly reactive bronchi which lead me to suspect some asthmatic or allergic reason to cause your symptoms”  
  
“Thank you doctor….” His patient leans forward to read Jaehyun’s nametag. “Doctor Jung?”  
  
“Jaehyun, call me Jaehyun” The doctor says quite eagerly. A little too eagerly.  
  
The pink hair boy smiles widely to the doctor’s sudden amiability. He bites his lower lip and says “Okay, doctor Jaehyun”.  
  
Jaehyun feel how every single hair on his body raises up when hearing his name being uttered from those pink, pouty lips. It’s something incredibly erotic about the boy in front of him, but he can’t pinpoint what it is. He’s shy, he’s polite, he’s apparently inexperienced – but he still managed to get Jaehyun’s mind into haywire. This is totally not proper, Jaehyun thinks to himself. He needs to refer the patient to another doctor for the next appointment. But his civil self really doesn’t want to. What harm are there in thoughts, as long as they stays as thoughts and thoughts only?  
  
“How will I hear the results of the tests?” the boy continues.  
  
Jaehyun could just send him the results and comments by mail. But as sickening as it is, he doesn’t really want to let go of this boy just yet. And it’s anyway hard to explain everything just in a simple letter.  
  
“I’ll call you. We’ll take it from there” Jaehyun says shortly.  
  
The patient nods and starts to make himself ready to leave. Jaehyun pretends to be typing something on his computer because he simply doesn’t know where to place his eyes otherwise. He’s way too overwhelmed to actually type anything in the patient journal at the moment though. The pink haired boy has his hand on the door handle already but falters a little to open it.  
  
“I’ll be waiting for your call, doctor Jaehyun. You seem like a good doctor” He says with sparkly eyes.  
  
Jaehyun just nods stupidly and watches the boy leave. Only after the door is closed he lets out a huge breath that he didn’t know he was holding in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, damn, sorry for this being so slow in the beginning. I promise, it'll be more heated for sure once I get the two boys to know each other better! Ho-Sub's really mean, by the way. 
> 
> Sorry for spelling mistakes, I'll correct it later it they catch my eye.

  
He needs to refer the pink haired boy to Johnny or some of the other doctor’s at his workplace, Jaehyun thinks when he’s finally driving home from the health care center after a mindboggling afternoon. It took him almost 45 minutes to finish the journal for his last patient, which is quite humiliating since he normally writes them in 10 minutes.  
  
But Lee Taeyong.  
Tae-Yong. The pink haired boy.  
  
He couldn’t stop thinking about his little smirk and his huge eyes and fidgety manners. The boy had done something to him that no-one had for many, many years  - his heartbeat was racing irrationally fast, his cheeks and ears felt like burning and inside his stomach there were two armies of butterflies fighting each other to death. This was miles away from the slow growing fondness he and Ho-Sub had developed for each other one and a half year ago. Jaehyun wasn’t so much of a romantic fool to fall in love with a stranger at first glance, was he? The doctor shook his head at the thought. No, it wasn’t that – he just blatantly admired the boy’s looks and ways too much to pay attention. And furthermore; Jaehyun was afraid he would misdiagnose his patient or miss some important clues regarding his condition if he alone continued to see him – The young doctor might already be blind for all those clinically important imperfections that could speak of illness.  
  
When thinking about it, Jaehyun couldn’t find any imperfections in the little he’d seen of Lee Taeyong. His boyfriend, Ho-Sub, that he also found very handsome and physically attractive, was quite the opposite to his patient. Ho-Sub was tall, way taller than himself, had a muscular frame and neatly slicked back dark hair to accentuate his societal status as a successful businessman. He would never ever wear anything but a well fitted suit or stylish chinos and some high quality shirts. So contrary to Ho-Sub, Taeyong had walked into Jaehyun’s office (and his life) with ripped jeans, dirty shoes, wildly bleached hair and legs as skinny as toothpicks. His skin had that healthy tanned glow with the occasional pimple here and there, making him look way younger than he really was. Ho-Sub was the same age as Taeyong, but he seemed at least 10 years older just by looking at his posture.  
  
Speaking of the devil, Jaehyun suddenly realized that he had hung up on Ho-sub when the latter kept disturbing him during his last patient. _Gosh, I’m fucked_ , Jaehyun thought and frowned, not really looking forward to facing his boyfriend’s bad mood. What he didn’t expect to see was said boyfriend in his apartment when he finally got up to the pent house.  
  
“Oh you’re here” Jaehyun stuttered.  
   
“Well yes I indeed am, since you couldn’t tell me when you get off work” He answered sourly.  
  
Jaehyun put down his bag on a chair and hanged his coat onto a hanger.  
“I’m sorry, I had a … difficult patient” He lied.  
  
“What If there was an accident and you would just ignore my calls?? You can’t do that!” Ho-Sub whined.  
  
Obviously he didn’t get the meaning of working with human beings and allowing them some god damned privacy when they’re talking about their bodies.  They had had this conversation multiple times before, and he knew Ho-Sub wouldn’t shut up before he had the last word, so it was just easier to give up right now and let the man keep his pathetic pride.  
  
“I’m sorry, alright. It was a delicate situation and the patient was getting restless with the phone buzzing. I should just have turned it off”  
  
“You can’t just turn it off if I need to call you!!!”  
  
Jaehyun groaned. How can an adult man be that childish? He opened up the fridge and picked out some leftovers from the day before.  
  
“Well, I’m here now” he said and put the food into his microwave.  
  
“I’m starting to think you’re avoiding me” Ho-Sub said.  
  
_Well I start to wish that I could,_ Jaehyun thought. After all, the relationship was comfortable at most – he would probably be way happier single – He could start having dinner with Johnny instead. It wasn’t like the sex what THAT amazing for it to compensate for the annoyance Ho-Sub caused him. Too bad. His boyfriend used to be a way nicer person when they first met at a fancy restaurant one and a half years earlier. But he supposed that this is what it becomes when you get too comfortable with each other –  it gets domestic, which means showing all your ugly sides to the other without an ounce of shame. At that moment, Jaehyun wanted to promise himself to never ever get married. Well, it wasn’t like they were allowed to get married anyways here in Korea – they were still seen as freaks by some. Sometimes he really wondered how his parents could cope this well with his abnormal orientation as some idiots would call it.  
  
Sometimes Jaehyun pitied himself.    
“I’m sorry I’ve being a slave to my work, alright. You gonna stay for dinner or what?”  
  
  
  
  
Jaehyun could almost swear that the pink boy’s perfume was still lingering at the walls of his office the next morning when he got to work. He had slept really lousily the night before, contemplating about what he should do about his turbulent relationship with Ho-Sub. He couldn’t call the odd fascination he had for his patient as anything else than sexual attraction, and that really was the scary part of their whole encounter. First of all – it’s freaking perverted to be attracted to one’s patient who is stripping in front of you just for the sake of clinical medicine. Second of all – It was unfair to Ho-Sub to even think in those ways. Third of all – he had already decided to transfer him to Johnny. He just had to talk his colleague about it, which he would do later that day.  
  
But despite of all the reasoning he tried to do within his highly intelligent mind, he just simply couldn’t forget the boy and the way he had made him feel inside. There was also this kind of protective instinct going on – he really wanted the boy to feel safe and to be treated correctly this time around. Who knows, together they might get him off the antipsychotics for good.  
  
So the first thing he did after opening his patient datasystem was to check if the blood tests were done yet. It felt oddly intruding to open up the data, even if it de facto still was his job. It felt like transforming oneself into a teeny weeny submarine, diving in through a needle to the blood stream, picking up the person’s toxins and obsessions and bad habits and favorite foods and the crazy mix of genes their parents haven’t told them about. He wondered if the pink haired boy was someone with a lot of secrets - Jaehyun was tempted to unravel them all.

He sighed when he noticed the blood works weren’t done yet. The X-ray picture was done, however. He opened it up and saw the outlines of a skinny boy’s chest appearing eerily on his screen. He waited for the image to load completely before starting to systematically scan the picture. His chest was surprisingly roomy for his thin frame. His lungs looked clean, surrounding the heart and the arch of the aorta. No signs of fluid (heart insufficiency), dilatation (cardiomyopathy), consolidation (pneumonia), weird objects (could be everything from a cancerous tumor to a swallowed piece of lego, that obviously wasn’t stuck in the lungs but in the esophagus) or any atelectasis (collapsed lung due to… ah, because reasons). Jaehyun let out a sigh of relief. It looked alright. It looked fine.  
  
 Taeyong’s heart looked fine.  
 The heart. The boy’s beating, pulsating chunk of muscle that for some reason had made the doctor into a lovesick mess. What did the pink haired boy keep close to his heart? And whom? Some other pretty boy with long legs and slender arms, ready to catch the other when he faints from lack of oxygen?

Next his eyes got fixed on the highly lit up piece of metal looking like it was just flying randomly inside the boy’s chest. It was in fact the piercing he had tried to avoid looking when he examined the boy yesterday. He let his imagination wander, and soon he could see the boy’s pale skin in front of him with a pair of pink round nipples getting perked by the heavy air-conditioning. He wondered what the piercing felt like to the boy. Did it make him more sensitive, perhaps?

Jaehyun shook his head. Jesus, why is he being like this? This is fucked up. This is perversion. The only consolidating fact was his patient in fact was at least a few years older than him, so he wasn’t being a complete freak of nature.  
  
He quickly closed the radiology program and got up to splash some cold water onto his face. Then he’d go find Johnny and ask him to take over this case.  
  
Unless Johnny were nowhere to be found. They hadn’t been able to match their lunch-hour (20 minutes) that day meaning that Taeyong didn’t get the chance to talk with Johnny during their break. The pink haired boy’s name under his “Call requests”-list stressed him out an awful lot – he had to get him transferred to Johnny before the end of the day or else he’d need to call him himself. He sent Johnny a text and occupied his mind for a few hours with his patients. The clock was already 3 p.m. when his colleague texted back saying he was on a resuscitation hands-on schooling day. Well, crap. Maybe the call could wait until tomorrow? It wasn’t like he was going to die from a slight case of bronchial obstruction overnight, especially since the x-ray was fine. Actually, he could just wait for the blood tests to get ready and then ask Johnny to call to tell about both the x-ray and the blood works. There was no use calling twice anyway?  
  
But then Jaehyun accidentally thought about the boy’s pleading puppy eyes and before he knew it, his fingers had already pressed the call button on his work phone.

He almost wished for the boy not to answer so that he could hang up without guilt and mark the journal with the notion “tried to call about diagnostics, didn’t answer”. Unfortunately it didn’t take too many beeps before a tiny voice picked up the phone.  
  
_“Hi?”_  
  
“Hello this is doctor Jung from the HCC”  
  
_“Oh!”_  
  
“…This, uhm, it is Mr. Lee on the phone right?”  
  
_”Uhm, yes, yes it is._ _Sorry I wasn’t expecting a call from an incognito number”_  
  
“That’s alright” Jaehyun said, feeling ridiculously nervous. “Uhm, I was calling about your x-ray. It looks fine. No sign of infection or anything weird”  
  
_“Damn, that’s a relief. And the blood samples?”_ Taeyong said kindly. He really sounded like a small kid asking about sweets.  
  
”They’re not done yet. How are you feeling, did you try the inhalator?”  
  
“ _I’m okay, but no I haven’t gotten it from the pharmacy yet”  
  
_“Oh, okay”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t know what to say. Usually he took advantages of a patients silence to end the call quickly and smoothly, but now, he didn’t really want to end it on this awkward note. But on the other hand – he was just his patient’s doctor, it wasn’t like the other was expecting for the small talk to continue.  
  
_“Did you make up with your angry boyfriend_?” The other suddenly said.  
  
“What?” Jaehyun exclaimed.  
_  
”The guy you yelled at yesterday”  
_  
“Mhm, ehm, it’s complicated” _You shouldn’t talk about this, you shouldn’t talk about this, you shouldn’t…_ “He doesn’t respect my work and doesn’t understand why I sacrifice my free time for this job”. _Please, Jaedumb, just shut up already._ “I’ve tried to do my best to keep him happy but apparently it ain’t enough”.  
  
_“He sounds like a bitch”_ The other snickered.  
  
Jaehyun swallowed nervously. “It’s not easy when you have two different approaches to life”.  
_  
“Why are you still together? Is he tall, dark, handsome and rich and you’re parents will be very disappointed if you end it?”_  
  
Well spot on! (Why on earth is he discussion this with his patient?)  
“Pretty much so. I don’t think it’ll last too long though. The relationship, I mean.” (Maybe because he didn’t have any friends sharing his sexual orientation, so he couldn’t really talk about it freely with them. Johnny would listen to some extent but knowing the other cringed at drama like this Jaehyun tried to keep his love life and its problems to himself)  
  
“You two probably look good together. And a doctor, wow, you’re such a catch, he’d be stupid to let you go”  
  
Jaehyun blushed violently, knowing the other couldn’t see him. He wondered why the other man was saying stuff like that to him. It sounded like he was teasing the shit out of him, out of a man he didn’t know, that was doing his best to be a professional here. Maybe it was his thing, to be a freaking tease to all men and women whose facial expressions and body language showed signs of appreciation towards him.  
  
“Uhm, well. Yeah. You give and you take and hope it works out, you know”  
  
_“I wouldn’t know. You were right, I lied about being an expert_ ” His patient said laughingly. Jaehyun was pacing nervously around the room, kicking the wall every now and then to relieve the tension. He had begun to feel real uncomfortable now and decided the end it on that note before it got too far.  
  
“I beg your pardon Mr. Lee, but I really shouldn’t talk about this. I just wanted to hear how YOU feel. My personal problems shouldn’t be of your interest. I’m sorry about the phone yesterday, I should have turned it off”  
  
_“That’s fine, doctor Jaehyun._ _I shouldn’t have asked”_  
  
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have answered”  
  
_”Okay”_ The older said with a small chuckle. Jaehyun couldn’t help but trying to imagine what he had been doing at the moment. It sounded like he was inside somewhere, maybe at home, thinking about how openly he was talking to Jaehyun. Maybe he lived alone. Maybe he was lying on his bed right now, wearing nothing but some loose shorts. He really wanted to ask him what he was wearing. He really, really wanted to match the voice with an appropriate picture of him in his imagination.    
  
“Mhm” _  
_  
_“Can I ask you a question, doctor Jaehyun_?” It sounded like the other boy was chewing something, and based on the rustling sound of a plastic bag in the background he supposed it was some candies.  
  
”Anything”  
  
_”Anything?”_ Jaehyun could already imagine the mischievous smile on the boy’s pretty face. His hair was probably falling into his eyes whilst he said it.  
   
”Okay no questions about me”  
  
” _Why do you think I would ask questions about you?”_ His patient said sneakily.  
  
The comment made Jaehyuns’s ears burn. “Just ask the damn question”  
  
_”Okay. What are the odds I might have some serious disease and end up dying in the hospital?”  
_  
Jaehyun was taken aback by the sudden seriousness of the question. He had to stand up from his chair. He hadn’t really thought about answering such a question for a patient suffering with such a common symptom as breathlessness. Of course there were some very serious conditions that could hide behind such a symptom, but common diseases are common – When you hear something approaching you galloping, it’s usually a horse and not a zebra. And the odds for a patient this young to suffer from something more serious than a banal case of asthma were pretty slim. His protective instinct kicked back on with full force and didn’t want the beautiful boy to be worrying about death for no reason.  
  
“I promise you, mr. Lee, that won’t happen”  
  
_”Call me Taeyong”_  
  
”Taeyong-Hyung, that won’t happen.”  
  
_“You’re even younger than me?”_ Was the slightly shocked response.  
  
“Yes”  
  
_”Oh I’ll be damned! Wow, but okay, I trust you with my life, doctor Jaehyun”  
  
_Jaehyun felt pretty uncomfortable hearing that to say the least, but a sense of pride filled his chest too. But he really, really had to end the call now.  
  
“I’ll call you again when I get the blood results. I’ll need to call another patient now. Take care”  
  
_“It was nice hearing from you”_ His patient said kindly.  
  
”Bye”  
  
Jaehyun put the phone down to the table and breathed out. He realized ashamedly that his heart was beating ridiculously fast. Damn, why did he tell him that he’d call again? It was supposed to be Johnny, after all. But maybe one more call wouldn’t matter?               
  


 

It took painfully long for the blood tests to get ready. He was eager to hear the boy’s small voice again, but he knew he couldn’t call him before he actually had something important to say. He might be lovesick but at least not THAT desperate, so he could wait. He and Ho-Sub spent the nights working out and watching thrillers on Netflix which hardly relieved the itch to hear from the boy, but at work, with his number at hands, it was ridiculously hard not to think about him.  
  
One afternoon he went full creep-mode and searched the boy’s name on social medias. He found an old facebook page and saw that the boy had been active there many years earlier during his freshmen years. He found a picture of him sporting fiery red hair next to a boy with light silver blue locks, captioned with “ _uni’s hottest bros_ ” and a few hundred likes and tens of comments from various girls.His patient looked sickly skinny on the picture for sure – this must have been before his recovery from the eating disorder of his. The last post visible was something about some superhero movie Jaehyun hadn’t seen maybe 4 years earlier. After that the page consisted mostly of birthday greetings and some tagged posts posted by a couple of his friends, mainly one called Yuta. It seemed like Taeyong was still enrolled at the university, however no-one uses facebook anymore so it might just be old info too. Jaehyun did an ugly thing and opened up the pages and groups the boy had liked many years ago. His eyes got caught on some anorexia recovery pages, cooking pages, show-dog pages and two LGBT-pages he had liked the same day 2 years earlier. Maybe he had come out just recently? Jaehyun was lucky not to be able to relate to that. He was already in on his third boyfriend and he firmly believed experience would make him a better lover and a better husband in the future for the one he actually want to settle down with. A sting of guilt picked at his heart when he remembered how unfairly he was treating Ho-Sub at the moment. He would break up with him eventually, he just needed to gather courage – and preferably wait for the other to make a mistake he could blame. Gosh, Jaehyun felt horrible for even thinking that, and pushed the thought away like he’d done numerous times before.  
  
Jaehyun also found Taeyong’s Instagram account that unfortunately was private. Jaehyun contemplated for a second about making a fake account and ask the boy for allowance to follow but decided to stop there before he got any more pathetic. He could see his profile picture though, which was a black and white picture of him in a gravity defying pose. The page description said simply “Contemporary dancer at the Academy. Proud Papillon owner”. Ain’t that a dog breed? Jaehyun snorted when he saw that he in fact had a couple thousand followers too. Well, with that face so…  
  


The lab-results and the electrocardiogram weren’t ready before the next week’s Monday.  
Jaehyun was in Johnny’s room watching his colleague scan the heartfilm he had on his desk. Johnny was a few years older than Jaehyun, very tall, very handsome and very, very smart. He came in quite handy everytime Jaehyun needed someone more experienced opinion on some medical matters. And Johnny would never ridicule Jaehyun for something he didn’t know, unlike some scornful surgeons that couldn’t care less about a younger colleague’s consultation.  
  
“It was a young patient right? Well built?” Johnny said while analyzing the leads on the paper.  
  
”Skinny but muscular, does a lot of aerobic excercise” Jaehyun replied.  
  
“The slight strainpattern here is probably caused solely by high intensity training and a welltrained heart muscle”  
  
“What about the inverted T-wave in lead III?” Jaehyun points at a certain part of the ecg.  
  
“Hmm” Johnny thinks for a moment. “He’s young, probably just a normal variant? He doesn’t have any problems with arrythmia? Did you hear any heart murmurs? Family history?”  
  
Jaehyun shook his head. He didn’t ask about family history though, but he’ll do it next time.  
  
”Could be something. Could be nothing. Redo the ecg in a month’s time. It’s probably just a benign variant”  
  
”Should I check D-Dimer? He saturates well enough to be able to exercise so I know it sounds like a stretch but…”  
  
“For pulmonary embolism? If he saturates well, ain’t overweight and doesn’t have a history of long flights, smoking or familiar thrombophilia it sounds very unlikely. You know our boss doesn’t like when we take the D-Dimer. It will always be slightly elevated which means we will need to send the patients to do a CAT-scan just to make sure there is no embolism, and that’s hella expensive…” Johnny rolled his eyes.  
  
“Yeah I know, I know… Oh well, thanks Hyung, I’ll follow up his case”.  Jaehyun nodded and turned around to leave the room so he could go call the boy. He was however interrupted by the other doctor.  
  
“Hey, not so fast. How are YOU doing Jaehyun?”  
  
Jaehyun turned slowly around to face the tall boy once more. He knew they hadn’t talked for a while.  
He shrugged and replied “Okay, I guess. Long days”  
  
”How are things with Ho-Sub?”  
  
Jaehyun stared at him for a while before opening his mouth, only to be interrupted by the older doctor again. “And be honest”. Fair enough, he was indeed about to say some white lie just so that he could leave the room and call Taeyong.  
  
“It’s pretty bad. I’m thinking about leaving him, actually” He said while looking down at his own pristinely white nike sneakers.  
  
Johnny nodded and smiled solemnly. He had probably seen Jaehyun’s distress just by seeing his furrowed brows every time his phone beeped at lunchtime. He knew way more than he should – that was one of his great assets as a doctor – he was an excellent people reader.  
  
“You wanna go out for dinner some day? Just the two of us?” Johnny asked kindly.  
  
”I’d love to, Hyung”  
  


  
  
  
As soon as he was inside his own room again he picked up his work phone and dialed the number he’d been yearning to call for the whole weekend.  
  
He straightened his tie (like it had any difference) and cleared his throat a few times so that he could make a professional impression.  
  
The phone rang for quite a long time, until it was picked up by the voice Jaehyun was dying to hear.  
  
_“Hello_?” The usually small voice sounded harsh and breathy, the boy obviously being out of breath.  
  
“Mr. Lee? It’s Doctor Jung here” Jaehyun tapped his foot nervously against the floor.  
  
The boy was panting, and took some time to reply. He wasn’t sick, was he? Or was he busy with something?  
  
_“Yeah ok wait”_ Jaehyun bit his lip when he heard the boy mute the conversation for a few seconds. What was he doing?  
  
A few seconds later the line rustled. “ _Sorry Doc, I had to go somewhere else”_ He said breathily with a low voice. Jaehyun couldn’t deny that he found the raspy, airy tone quite arousing.  
  
“Am I interrupting you? The lab-results are ready. But I could call you later if you’re… in the middle of something” Jaehyun said trying to sound as neutral as possible.  
_  
“Yeah well we’re actually in the middle of practice. I’m… do you think I could call you back later this evening, doctor Jaehyun?”_ His breathing had stabled a little bit now, and it sounded like he was standing in some hallway since his voice echoed against the walls. Jaehyun imagined the boy in sweat pants and a tank top, tanned skin shining from sweat beneath the fabric. Did he have his hair tied up on a bun? Or did he prefer leaving the wet strands of hair sticking to his forehead? He wondered who he was practicing with, and envied the other boys and girls who had the privilege to treat their eyes to the sight of a sweaty Lee Taeyong moving his catlike body to the music. But wait a minute – he didn’t ask what kind of dancing he was practicing – maybe he was a ballet dancer? What if he was wearing some ridiculously tight spandex-  
  
_“Doctor?”_  
  
Jaehyun’s cheeks were burning as he came back from his daydreaming. Damn he and his vivid imagination.  
  
“Uhm, sure, absolutely. I need to leave in half an hour but I could text you my private number. Call me whenever you’re ready”  
  
“ _Oh_ ” His patient sounded somewhat surprised. _“Oh, okay, sure, that’d be great”_  
  
The call ended quickly afterwards and Jaehyun sent his number immediately as a text to the pink haired boy’s phone number. He was sure he would regret the action an hour later but right now it felt like a somewhat acceptable decision. He really wanted to talk to the boy today, after all.  
  
About the lab-results, of course. Nothing else. They were the sole reason why he would call. The boy was probably very curious about the results. It was just good customer service to provide him with them as soon as possible. And no-one would need to know that he used his private number to deal with certain work-related businesses. Why would anyone know? Jaehyun suddenly realized how his black pants felt weirdly tighter than usual and felt with horror how a hardness had been built up inside his boxers while he talked to the short-winded pink haired boy. Jesus Christ, for reals? The swallowed hard in embarrassment and thanked some deity about the fact that he didn’t have any more patient appointments that day.

To Jaehyun’s enormous disappointment he remembered how he had promised Ho-Sub to make dinner that evening. He was afraid of the older boy slashing out on him if he cancelled their dinner date, so he ended up cooking a stew for them while stressing silently about what would happen if his patient decided to call him in the middle of their dinner.  
  
“Why are you so fidgety? You make me crazy nervous goddamnit” Ho-Sub complained when Jaehyun was pacing back and forth waiting for the food to get ready. Jaehyun swore silently for himself but decided not to start a bicker.  
  
To Jaehyun’s immense relief the phone didn’t ring during their dinner.  
  
“I’m going out with Johnny to dine tomorrow” Jaehyun said when Ho-Sub asked about his plans for the rest of the week.  
  
“What does he want from you?” Ho-Sub said with a hint of jealousy and scraped the fork across the plate.  
  
”What? He just asked me out to eat”  
  
Ho-Sub downed his glass of wine. “That’s what you think”  
  
“Jesus, Ho-Sub, there’s no need to be jealous of my friend, he’s freaking straight too in case you forgot” Jaehyun was growing so tired of the endless nagging and complaining he got from his so-called love interest. Fuck, he should just end it right now. Here and now.  
  
Ho-Sub shrugged and rolled his eyes in the most annoying of ways. He then got up and started cleaning the table, putting the dishes straightly into the dishwasher without scraping the small rests of food into the bin before. Jaehyun had asked him to do it a thousand times before. Fucking hell, this guy….  
  
Say it.  
  
Say it now.  
  
Johnny will be proud of you.  
  
Jaehyun was about to get up and tell his boyfriend that he was tired of their endless bickering, but then his phone started ringing. He gasped and froze for a second or two, before grabbing his phone and going to his home-office to answer the call. He pulled the door shut, not caring about what his stupid boyfriend might think.  
  
He recognized the number as Taeyong’s, and wondered whether he should answer with his professional title or as a civil. He settled for the latter one.  
  
“Jung Jaehyun” he answered as neutrally as possible.  
  
“ _Doctor Jaehyun?_ _It’s me, Taeyong, Lee Taeyong, from the health care center_ ”. Jaehyun chuckled for himself, like he wouldn’t remember the boy’s name.  
  
“Ah, Taeyongie-hyung. Hello. Did you have a good practice? Did you feel out of breath?”  
  
_“It was great, thank you! We’re practicing for a show next Saturday so it was an important practice. And no, I felt quite okay, I think”._ Jaehyun heard the boy moving some things around and some high pitched barking. So he indeed had a dog like the description on his Instagram said.  
  
“You have a dog?”  
  
_“Yes!_ _He’s called Ruby”_  
  
  
Jaehyun was on the phone for 40 minutes or so. He went through the lab-results with the boy, making sure he understood everything and that the basic labs hadn’t pointed at anything pathological. His hemoglobin was pretty high, but that was all. He didn’t speak about his concerns regarding the T-inversion in the ecg, but recited the things Johnny had said and told the boy that it would be good to do a control check up in a month’s time. Without really thinking about the plan of transferring the patient to Johnny, Jaehyun had already booked a new appointment to see the boy next month.  
  
Somehow (probably when talking about possibilities of allergy) they ended up talking about Taeyong’s dog, and it warmed the doctor’s heart to hear this man being so ridiculously passionate about training his dog to be the best of veteran show dogs. He could almost see the fatherly proud smile on Taeyong’s beautiful face when he talked about his dog’s past wins. Jaehyun didn’t know much about animals (as a child he had an aquarium, but that’s about it) so he was genuinely interested to hear Taeyong blabber about all the care that went into keeping the dog’s fur looking polished and healthy.  
  
“ _You know how people often resemble their dogs? My friends always tell me I look like Ruby_ ” Taeyong laughed.  
  
“He must be an exceptionally cute dog, then” Jaehyun said with starry eyes, feeling the butterflies inside his stomach doing somersaults.  
  
_“Tss, I see what you did there, doctor Jaehyun_ ” Taeyong said teasingly.  
  
They continued talking about daily stuff, and Jaehyun even mentioned going out with his colleague the next day. Leading on from that, they somehow ended up talking about his boyfriend’s jealousy, and somewhere along the line Jaehyun remembered how that said boyfriend was still waiting for his sudden call to end so that they could spend the rest of the night together. Jaehyun excused himself and said that he had to hang up now.  
  
“But save this number for emergencies, okay? In case you’re breathing gets really hard and you’re alone and don’t know what to do. Or if there’s any new symptoms at all. Can you promise to inform me in that case?”  
  
_“Yes, I promise, doctor_ ” Taeyong said with an obvious smirk on his face.  
   
“Good boy” Jaehyun accidentally said and immediately felt his ears get alarmingly red.  
  
The other boy on the line cooed for himself and said “ _Oh doctor, I promise, I’ll be real good_ ” with an infuriatingly whiny voice. Jaehyun facepalmed himself and hoped that he didn’t reveal too much of himself here.  
  
“Uhm. Very well. See you next month at my office with the new electrocardiogram. Take care”  
   
_“Bye, doctor Jaehyun”_ The other boy sang before Jaehyun hang up the phone.  
He put the phone down and sighed, rubbing his eyes and pulling his hands through his soft, thick hair. He then gathered himself and went out to the living room, where Ho-Sub was sitting sore-eyed looking at some shitty Netflix series.  
  
“Was it Johnny?” He asked without even looking at Jaehyun.  
  
“Johnny? No, it wasn’t Johnny. It was for work” Jaehyun said and threw himself down on the sofa next to his boyfriend.  
  
“Of course it was for work. You love your work more than you love me”  
  
Jaehyun groaned and was tempted to answer that he didn’t love him at all anymore. He hated himself for being such a coward – He and Ho-Sub, _it has to end_ , one way or another. One week, he’ll gather himself for one week, and then he’ll face his fears straight in the eye.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It's saturday morning of the same week (note: Jaehyun still has two days to gather his strength, let the man breathe during their supposedly last weekend together) and Ho-Sub is making breakfast in Jaehyun's fancy kitchen. Jaehyun sits by the table enjoying the morning sun shining through the window while letting his eyes scan mindlessly the day's paper. Jaehyun loves lazy mornings like this, and if he could he would sit by the table for two hours every morning, just enjoying the scent of fresh coffee and feeling the dry paper under his fingers. Ho-Sub didn't understand why a modern young man like Jaehyun still wanted to read actual papers instead of the flashier online versions. It was luxury from the old days that just happened to tickle Jaehyun’s fancy.  
   
"Hey babe, what are we going to do today? I wanna go out" Ho-Sub shouted from the kitchen.  
  
Jaehyun hummed and turned pages until he got to the "events" section.  
"Can't we just chill at home and watch some movies?"  
  
"Don't be such an old man! Come on man, It’s freaking Saturday, we should go out and show our hot selves to the world!" Ho-Sub started putting out plates and utensils and ran back to the stove to save the scrambled eggs from burning.   
  
Maybe they could go watch some play? Or a concert? Jaehyun wasn't too keen on the stuck up operas his boyfriend might at least pretend to enjoy, but Ho-Sub had taught him to indulge in the visuals of ballet. But looking at his comfy pajama bottoms and slippers he really didn't feel like dressing up today though. Why can't they just go to the cinema? He would love to see a good old horror movie to get his adrenaline pumping, but he already knew in advance Ho-Sub would say no. Jaehyun watched the taller man serve the eggs on a plate with quick movements.  Jaehyun winced to the sudden sound of the pan hitting the sink and sizzling under the running water. He couldn't help but think his boyfriend reminded him of his father, in his power play and stern way to have the final word in all sayings. Jaehyun sighed and bowed his head a little when the older came to the table with the food.   
  
Aware of how his boyfriend was waiting for Jaehyun to come up with some decent suggestions for the night, the younger quickly scanned through the colorful advertisements until his eyes caught a familiar name, and he instantly felt his insides getting warm and fluttering.

A few days earlier he had woken up with said name on his lips, probably having had a wet dream considering his awkward morning wood that day, but he had quickly suppressed the memory of the dream once he saw the back of the larger man lying next to him in bed.   
  
Lee Taeyong. That was the name on the advertisement. It gotta be him - he had told him he was a dancer after all. It was already over a week since they last spoke on the phone when Jaehyun extremely unprofessionally gave him his private number for "emergencies". He had low key wished for the boy to call him just to hear his soft but oddly low raspy voice, but then again, once he did that it would be way harder to explain to his boss why he had his patients calling his private number instead of the health care centers. But as long as he didn't initiate the calling himself he wasn't stepping over too many boundaries. He suddenly remember being 12, having swapped numbers with the girl he liked. He remembered clearly how his fingertips had tingled in excitement above his old phone, ready to answer asap as the girl's name popped up on the screen. She called him once, by the way, but he unfortunately missed the called and was too much of a chicken to actually call her back. He chuckled at the innocent memory. Funny that he found out he was gay first years later.   
  
"What's so funny?" Ho-Sub asked.   
  
"Nothing. Hey, you'd be interested in some contemporary dance today? The academy is putting up a show at one of those clubs you enjoy. That Vector place."   
  
Ho-Sub snorted. "Really? YOU'd be up for that? Sure, let's go"  
  
Jaehyun's heart thumped a little harder inside his chest by getting Ho-Subs approval. He couldn't wait to see the pink haired boy again.   
  
  
  
  
On their way to the venue Jaehyun eventually started to regret his decision in dragging his boyfriend along with him to see his patient perform. And he hadn't really put any thought into the fact that Taeyong might find it awkward to suddenly see his doctor in the audience. But then again, it could just be a coincidence that their dancing group happened to perform on their favorite (Ho-sub's) club. And if they sat somewhere in the back, the dancer might not even recognize him since he obviously wasn't wearing his white coat.  Still, knowing that the boy MIGHT see him, Jaehyun had made sure to look striking today. He had gelled his thick caramel tresses back a little, letting a few strands fall on his forehead. He was wearing tight fitted ankle length jeans and a crisp light blue shirt. Ho-Sub thought he looked sexy, anyway.   
  
The nervousness was getting to him when they sat themselves at the far end of the club. What if he was somewhere here, mingling with some guests? What if they met? What would Jaehyun say? _Hello how is that inhalator working for your cramping air pipes? Hello you look good today, mind stripping for me at my office again_? Jaehyun looked nervously around and tried his best to disappear into the couch.   
  
"I'm gonna get drinks" Ho-Sub said and kissed Jaehyun on his mouth. The doctor mumbled something in response and sat down to scan the crowd.   
  
The show started soon after with a number from some American musical he couldn't recognize. Hardly contemporary. Jaehyun was a fairly good singer and envied the guy singing with the pretty girls on stage - damn, why hadn’t he thought about suggesting karaoke?   
  
Ho-Sub came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses and after the first two numbers and downing a glass of red Jaehyun started to relax again. Ho-Sub was definitely enjoying himself, clapping eagerly after every stage and pointing out which dancers and singers he liked and which he didn’t.  
  
"She looks like she accidentally bought wall paint instead if make up" Ho-Sub whispered, and even though it was horribly mean Jaehyun laughed and rubbed Ho-Sub's knee. He had always liked his boyfriend's dark, sarcastic humor, and soon enough he was laughing again at some stupid thing he commented on. His hand travelled further up his boyfriend's thigh and for a moment everything was back to what it had been 1,5 years ago.   
  
Until he spotted a familiar mop of pink hair standing on stage next to an equally colorful girl. Jaehyun's hand fell off Ho-Sub's thigh as his breath got stuck in his lungs.  
  
  
And there he was.   
  
Clad in a skimpy transparent mesh top and tight, shiny pants, he was arching his back against a girl in a full lycra cat suit. The crowd nearest the stage cheered and started photographing the couple on stage. Jaehyun switched his position uncomfortably before the choreography started, not sure what do to with his hands.   
  
It was a beautiful stage, for sure. If Jaehyun wouldn't be so fixed on the fact that Taeyong should be his and only his you'd almost think they couple on stage was in love. The pink haired boy's movements were flowy and precise, radiating a sort of fragile masculinity next to the girl with her softer body movements. Every inch of his small body was in complete control; from the way he pointed his toes to how his pinky crooked itself at certain gestures. His lean arm muscles flexed even during the slower moves, showing how much body control went into every single step of the choreo. Jaehyun gasped out loud when the boy went down into a split.   
  
Apart from his technically skilled body, the pink haired boy's face was a complete story on its own. Jaehyun was seated too far away to see all the details but the boy appeared to have make-up on, considering how shiny and puffy his lips were and the way his eyes seemed even bigger than before. He was stunning, to say the least - looking more like a heavenly creature or an alien than a normal guy made out of flesh and blood. The girls in the front row seemed to agree judging by the amount of screams and photos were being snapped.   
  
Jaehyun had to bite his cheek hard unless he wanted to start telling Ho-sub how incredibly beautiful his patient was both in real life and on stage.   
  
To the next stage a few other dancer's joined. It was a more upbeat and more choreographed stage, however impossible to actually fit together with the semi-conventional pop music being played.  
  
Jaehyun felt a slow burning heat build up inside his stomach when the dancer's rolled their hips and feigned touching themselves going down to the floor. The pink haired boy tongue flicked out in a highly misleading obscene manner, copying the flirt the girl next to him was having with the audience. Fuck, the boy was such a tease, Jaehun thought and downed his glass of wine.   
  
Ho-Sub leaned in to whisper into Jaehyun's ear.   
"At first I thought the girl in the catsuit would win the whore-award but that fuckboy in black is such a thot"   
  
Jaehyun mumbled something as a reply.   
  
Ho-Sub continued, louder this time.   
"He’s hot though. Who is he?"   
  
Jaehyun slapped Ho-Subs thigh slightly. "shut up"   
His boyfriend laughed oyt loud and turned to face Jaehyun. His gelled hair looked shiny and wet the way Jaehyun used to like it, but now it just seemed pretentious and dumb.  
  
"Hah! Like you'd care about nice! Admit it, you'd top that. I certainly would". Jaehyun swallowed his anger and turned back to look at the small highly lit up stage in the middle of the club.  
  
 The pink haired boy wasn't just anybody. He was Jaehyun's little dancer, Jaehyun's little sin.  
  
The boy just didn't know it yet.   
  
  
The next stage was reduced to Taeyong and two new girls. It was obvious who was the star of this dance group, and Jaehyun felt oddly proud considering he didn't have any civil attachment to the guy on stage.  
They started off well with some high intensity choreo Jaehyun couldn't get a grip on - Taeyong was moving so fast it felt like Jaehyun's eyeballs were gonna pop out. Ironically enough he was starting to get a migraine from trying to follow the intense scene of three pair of arms and legs spinning around like there was no tomorrow. Finally he saw Taeyong slow down to fall gracefully to the floor.  
  
Jaehyun expected to see some strong floor work like the one he saw during the earlier number and glanced quickly at Ho-Sub to see if he was sharing his appreciation. Nothing happened on the floor though, and Jaehyun heard Ho-Sub scoff next to him. "Did he forget the steps?"  
  
 Not until one of the girls stopped mid-movement to check on her dance partner on the floor Jaehyun realized something was off. The air in his chest turned chilly when he saw the second girl break off too. Something was wrong. A low mumbling came from the audience, and the moment Jaehyun saw the first girl slapping the pink boy's cheeks he stood up from his seat and rushed against the stage.  
  
Ho-Sub grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him roughly back. "Where the hell are you going?"   
Jaehyun yanked himself out of his grip and rushed forward without replying.   
  
Something was definitely wrong, and it made Jaehyun sick in his stomach. Had he read the electrocardiogram wrong after all...   
  
"I'm a doctor, let me trough" he said when some bulky bouncer tried to keep him back from the stage. The bouncer believed him and let him jump up. The two girls looked up at him in surprise. One of them was holding Taeyong's head in her lap while the other looked literally clueless.   
  
Jaehyun kneeled down next to the boy. He was deadly pale but breathed well enough, and Jaehyun could see his eyes moving under his eyelids.   
  
"Lift his legs up" he told the girl who wasn't supporting Taeyong. She quickly did as she was told while Jaehyun begun to check his pulses, rate of breathing and his painreflexes by pressing down hard on a certain spot below his thick, dark eyebrow. With blood rushing back to his upper body the boy begun to regain consciousness.   
  
"Does he collapse like this often?" Jaehyun asked the other girl, who had her long coal black hair tied in two ponytails.   
  
"It happens at times if he hasn't been eating... Who are you, oppa? Thanks for your concern but we can deal with this on our own when he wakes up" Jaehyun noticed how she petted Taeyong's hair protectively.   
  
"He's one of my patients" Jaehyun said shortly, while stroking the boy over his cheek. Suddenly the boy coughed and opened his eye ever so slightly. He groaned again and pushed Jaehyun's hand away to cover his eyes with his arm. Jaehyun flinched by the sudden touch.   
  
"shiiit I feel like... shit" He sluddered.  
  
"oh fuck he's gonna throw up again!" the red-haired girl said and dropped his legs to the floor. Jaehyun sighed and proceeded to turn him to the side to rest on one arm so that he wouldn't choke on his own puke in case he started to vomit. He kept his own hand steadily on the boy's side to keep him from falling over. His skin was clammy and cold and it stressed the shit out of Jaehyun.   
  
Jaehyun hadn't noticed but their small group had been surrounded by other dancers from the company and some other personnel. He heard someone mumbling "gosh, this is the second time this week"... The second? Hadn't he promised to call Jaehyun in case of emergencies?   
  
"So he does this often?" He asked the ponytail girl.   
  
  
"Uhm, it has happened a few times during practice the last couple months"  
This ain't good at all. Surely it couldn't all be caused by poor eating? He needs to run another ecg asap - he might have some paroxysmal arrhythmias for all he know that they didn't catch on the earlier run.   
  
Taeyong suddenly shivered violently under Jaehyun's hand and raised himself onto his elbows. He seemed to be fully awake now.  
  
"I'm fine I'm fine, let me go now for fuck's sake" he said in a much clearer voice than earlier.   
  
"fetch him some water please" The ponytail girl said to some other dancer nearby.   
  
Taeyong grunted angrily and sat himself up to sit crossed legged. Jaehyun was steadying him by his shoulders when the pink haired boy raised his groggy eyes to look at the man holding him up.   
He looked dumfounded Jaehyun in the eyes for a few seconds before his eyes widened in realization. Jaehyun was certain his ears were flushing already by seeing the man of his wildest dreams just a few inches away.  
  
"Doc? Have I died and went to heaven or have you been demoted to a club medic?"   
  
Jarhyun ignored the question even though he found it cute at heart.   
  
"What happened? Did you feel pain in your chest?"   
  
Taeyong looked around the stage and grabbed the water that was offered to him.   
"I just started feeling nauseous and blacked out" he said and sipped on the water.   
  
"When did you last eat something?"   
  
The pink haired boy looked at the ponytail girl and shrugged.   
"I had toast for breakfast. I think" He sipped his water again before making an effort to stand up. Another dancer grabbed his arm but he shushed the help away. Jaehyun jumped up to his feet too, determined not to let his patient go just yet.   
  
"We need to check your ecg again, I'll take you to the hospital" Jaehyun said and picked up his phone to dial a cab. But Taeyong grabbed his wrist and forced Jaehyun to look at him again.   
  
"Doctor Jaehyun, I'm fine. You said so yourself. I guess my blood sugar dropped too low. I'll stuff myself today with a huge bowl of ramen and I'll be all new". He released his grip, not knowing how it had left an invisible burning mark on the younger man's skin. "What are you doing here anyways?"   
  
Just as Jaehyun was about to answer, he heard a familiar voice call out for him from somewhere down the stage.   
  
"Jaehyun! You're not on duty for Christ’s sake, get down from there!" It was Ho-Sub, still with a glass of wine in his hand.   
  
Jaehyun shot a look at Taeyong who somehow understood exactly what was going on.   
  
"Oh" The dancer said in a low voice, and glanced down at the red faced pissed Ho-Sub. "so that's him".   
  
Jaehyun groaned and felt more than a few pairs of eyes staring at him. There was truth to it. This wasn't the time and place for him. He was just a weird guy smelling of alcohol calling himself a doctor without any proof of his legitimation. And Ho-Sub was right; he wasn't on duty, this wasn't his job. Furthermore, he felt bad for the ponytail girl that might see him as an intruder. So  Jaehyun took one last look at the breathtakingly handsome boy in front of him, before turning around to leave the stage. However, Taeyong grabbed him gently by his arm and turned to face Jaehyun again.   
  
His face softened the slightest and however pale and weak he seemed to be his cheeks had a hint of sweet, rosy pink.   
  
"Hey. Thanks for caring" he said quietly.   
  
Jaehyun felt like his heart would burst from affection, and he wanted to embrace the boy so tight he would never be able to escape his hold. He settled on a small tight lipped smile.  
"Of course. Please make sure your friends here take you to the hospital for a check up. Please"   
  
Taeyong nodded and let go of Jaehyun's shirt. The doctor turned around again and jumped down the stage to join his once again angry boyfriend. Little did he know that Taeyong looked long and hard at the tall, well-dressed man next to Jaehyun, who gave the boy an equally long, scrutinizing stare.   
  
  
  
Ho-Sub dragged him out of the club with such a hard grip around Jaehyun's wrist that it probably would leave bruises. Jaehyun tried to twist and turn out of his hold but his attempts were quite futile. He sensed a toxic cloud of hatred hover above Ho-Sub, and somehow he knew that this was his opportunity to let shit go down once and for all. Too bad he didn't like conflict, but he had to step out of his lame-ass comfort zone now or never.  
  
Once they were out of the club Ho-Sub let go of Jaehyun but turned to face him with an angry index-finger pointed at his chest, like he was some ill behaving school kid.  
  
“You know that slut?”    
  
Jaehyun clenched his jaw when hearing the insult but tried to keep his anger down.  
 “Calm down, I was just trying to help”  
  
“Did you see how he looked at me? I warn you, if that filthy pink haired whore lays a single finger on you I’ll kill him” Ho-Sub was almost spitting by how angry he was.  
  
“Gosh, why do you always have to be that angry? He fell down and I couldn’t just sit there ignoring the vows I’ve made when graduating”  
  
Ho-Sub rolled his eyes heavily at the comment.  
“Can you stop seeing yourself as some fucking saint? How will we ever be able to live together if I have to treat you like some fragile martyr on a piedestal? You’re just a man with a long education behind you, nothing else”  
  
Jaehyun was already clenching his fists hard and he couldn’t face looking at his disgusting boyfriend anymore. He was used to being insulted and patronized but he couldn’t stand seeing his hard working identity being trampled on. No, this was the last straw.  
  
“You know what, Ho-Sub? Give me my spare keys back. I’m done. I’m so done with you”  
  
Ho-Subs face fell and for a split second he almost looked resentful.  
  
“What? What did you say?”  
  
“You heard me. Give me my keys. I’m throwing you out of my life. I deserve better than your narcissism”  
  
Ho-Sub took a step back and shook his head slowly. Jaehyun couldn’t tell if he was about to start crying or about to throw a fist between Jaehyun’s eyes.  
  
“Give me my keys” Jaehyun repeated and reached out his hand.  
  
“I’m not one you can just throw out of your life. I refuse. I refuse this. You’re not leaving me” Ho-Sub hissed.  
  
“Yes, I am, very much so. Give me my fucking keys”  
  
“Fuck you. I’m not giving you your keys. We’re gonna go home now and talk this through until you come to your senses. I’m gonna call a cab” Ho-Sub said and took out his phone.  
  
Jaehyun’s jaw fell. Was the guy this thick-headed that he didn’t believe him for shit? He grabbed hold of Ho-Sub’s collar and drew him closer.  
  
“I AM SERIOUS. GIVE ME MY KEYS” He yelled.  
  
Ho-Sub stared at him before slowly raising the phone to his ear.  
“No. I won’t” He said silently. “Hello, can I get a cab to club Vector?”  
  
Jaehyun released his collar (he would lose the fight if Ho-Sub decided to get violent) and stepped back.  
  
“I’m gonna change the locks”  
  
“You can’t change your locks Saturday night” Ho-Sub said annoyingly.  
  
“I’m gonna change the locks on Monday when you’re at work and there’s nothing you can do about it”  
  
Ho-Sub scoffed and looked around for a cab to arrive.  
  
“I’ll bet you my left hand that you’ll be crawling back to me before noon tomorrow. The cab’s here, let’s go” Ho-Sub said like nothing had ever happened between them. He hopped in and waited for Jaehyun to follow.  
  
Jaehyun however didn’t follow. Why would he? He’s not going to be weak anymore.  
  
“Why the fuck are you standing there like some halfwit? Get in” Ho-Sub shouted.  
  
Jaehyun watched him for a few seconds, thinking that this might as well be the last time he see the stupid man. He’ll go to a hotel or to Johnny’s, change the locks on Monday and throw Ho-Subs stuff outside his own apartment. He doesn’t want to see this man ever again.  
And then he turned around and walked away. When he heard Ho-Sub getting out of the car again he started running, and he ran and ran and ran until he was sure the man didn’t have a clue of where he went.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay it's gonna get juicy next chapter, bear with me!

  
The moment the locksmith left his apartment Jaehyun threw himself onto his soft, velvet sofa with a glass of red wine standing on the coffee table. With a loud exhale he cherished the feeling of being back home. And being alone had never felt this fucking nice before.  
He had been so afraid of Ho-Sub showing up the exact moment he went back to his apartment in order to change the locks, that Jaehyun had been tracking his whereabouts by stalking his diligently updated social media stories. He was such so false, the doctor thought. It wasn’t like Ho-Sub wanted the idea of his perfect life getting ruined by Jaehyun’s little ploy anyway.  


Jaehyun had stayed the whole weekend at a small hotel, simply too afraid to return to his own apartment in case his now ex-boyfriend was waiting there to rip him apart or, even worse, lecture him about how Jaehyun was the one to blame. Ho-Sub had tried to call him at least fifteen times the night they parted, so Jaehyun had decided to mute their chat conversation at least so he didn’t have to read any of the other boy’s guilt-tripping shit trying to make him regret his decision.

 

The most troubling about this little drama was that Jaehyun honestly found his ex intimidating. Ho-Sub had never been physically violent or anything. But with the vicious tongue of his, he could probably inflict just as much damage with words as he might with his huge fists. The other might do something foul out of jealousy in case he found out that Jaehyun had been having his eyes on someone else for a few weeks already.  
The pink haired boy, for example. Ho-Sub must have figured out his name in a heartbeat if he just searched for the event of facebook.  Jaehyun stomach turned in a sickening way when he thought about the boy having to deal with Ho-Sub’s wrath. Lucky their relationship was still practically nothing but a doctor’s and a patient’s, and they wouldn’t been seen together in any other circumstances anyways. Going to the dance show was a huge mistake, Jaehyun thought afterwards. He could have broken up with Ho-Sub on just any occasion, but he had to do it right after Ho-Sub seeing him kneel down next to the sleeping beauty who could make any man or woman fall down to their bare knees.  


He hadn’t actually put that much thought into Taeyong during the weekend. He and Ho-Sub’s relationship hadn’t been long, but it had been promising enough that his parents had already started planning how Ho-Sub could take over the lead at their company eventually. His mother would be devastated to hear that the tall and handsome man wasn’t going to join their family dinners anymore. And all in all, it had de facto been a pretty comfortable relationship those days they didn’t fight – Ho-Sub had been there when Jaehyun didn’t want to eat shitty take-away alone, and his habit of making him breakfast every weekend was kind of cute. But no – he wasn’t a good person, at least not for Jaehyun.

 

 But Jaehyun would be lying if he said he wasn’t sad and heartbroken about this end of an era. He had started crying right after he got checked in to the hotel and didn’t stop before he fell asleep on the soft, queen sized bed. After that, no tears were left needing to be shed.

   
  
  


It wasn’t before Wednesday evening he heard anything from Taeyong.  
Jaehyun was lying in his bed reading medical journals, ignoring his phone buzzing because he knew it was Ho-Sub’s futile attempts to call. He still tried to call a few times every day, and Jaehyun still refused to pick it up. The most distressing thing was when his ex-boyfriend had tried to come to Jaehyun’s apartment on Monday night just after Jaehyun had got his locks changed. All the hairs on Jaehyun’s body got erect out of fear when he heard the familiar clicking of a key against his front door. His blood felt like thick icy slush in his veins when the key was inserted into the lock. For a short moment he was completely sure that the door would swing open - It didn’t however, and all he heard was angry swearing outside the door. Then his ex-boyfriend started to knock on the door, harder and harder and harder until he was kicking it. “YOU FUCKING TRAITOR” the voice outside the door screamed.  
  
Jaehyun didn’t move a finger before he was sure the man had left the building.  
  
Back to the buzzing of the phone. It stopped, and was replaced by a familiar pling telling about a new message. For a moment he supposed it was from Ho-Sub as well, but then he remembered that he had muted the chat. Jaehyun was reading a very fascinating article about tooth decay and heart disease, so he somewhat reluctantly putted the medical journal back on his desk and picked up his phone.  
When he saw Taeyong’s name (yes, he had eventually saved his number with his name), he twitched so hard his round glasses almost dropped onto his chest.  
  
Shit.  
  
22:02 Lee Tae-Yong  
“ _Good evening, did your hot man kill you?”_  
  
Jaehyun cringed but couldn’t help smiling widely. The boy had remembered him. The boy had thought of him. Of all the people in the whole wide world, he had decided to text his freaking doctor on a Wednesday night.

  
22:07  
_“He tried. Did you go to the hospital_?”  
  
22.08 Lee Tae-Yong  
“ _I felt really bad when he dragged you out. He looked like he wanted to beat us all up_ ”  
  
22.09  
“Did you to the hospital?”  
  
22.10 Lee Tae-Yong  
“ _Yana took me there but the wait was so long so we decided I’d do better with some Mc Donalds_ ”  
  
Jaehyun sighed. Of course. The lines were hellish on a Saturday night with all the drunks and clumsy partygoers. Yana, he wondered. Was it the pretty ponytail girl or the one with the boobs? Jaehyun was trying to come up with something to say but was interrupted by the pling of the phone again.  
  
22.11 Lee Tae-Yong  
“ _But hey what happened?? I live for drama, spill me the tea_ ”  
  
22.13  
_“I changed the locks and kicked him out for good. Felt great”_  
  
22.13 Lee Tae-yong  
“ _OMG you didn’t !!!! :O:O:O That bitch got what he deserved_ ”  
  
Jesus, this guy.  
22.14  
“ _Mmm, but hey, this isn’t any of your business. I gave you the number for emergencies. You were unconscious on Saturday so you might not remember how you actually put me to work on my free day off_ ”

  
The phone fell silent and Jaehyun wondered if the boy got bored already. He scoffed disappointingly and put his phone down to pick his journal up again. He got through a fifth of a page before his phone buzzed again, this time with his ring tone. He threw the journal on the floor and grabbed the phone.  
  
It was Taeyong, again.  
  
_“Doc why were you there at the club?”_ The butterflies in Jaehyun’s stomach woke up from their sleep when he heard Taeyong’s teasing voice. He wished he didn’t have to answer that particular question though.

“It’s my boyf… my ex boyfriend’s favorite club”  
  
“ _Lies. You were there to see me right?”_  
  
“Why would I do that?” Jaehyun said neutrally.  
  
The older boy chuckled at the other end of the phone line. “ _I can think of a few reasons”_  
  
Jaehyun felt his cheeks getting red and he squirmed uncomfortably under his sheets.  
“Hey, Taeyong-Hyung – This is not appropriate. I shouldn’t have given your my private number. I understand that you usually don’t like going to the doctor’s but I actually do get paid for trying to solve your breathing problems and it doesn’t involve wasting my time off”. He rubbed his eyes with his hand.  
  
The other boy stayed quiet for a while.  
“ _Okay. But this- … this is an emergency_ ”. His voice suddenly sounded got small and serious.  
  
Jaehyun straightened his back a little. “Tell me”    
  
He heard the other boy draw his breath dramatically. “ _Okay. So._ _I’ve been thinking and_ ”… He held a pause, and Jaehyun was sure he would say something something completely ridiculous instead of some actual concerns, but the listened anyway. This was so weird anyway. Talking on the phone almost… almost casually. No, No, this was way too early. It was WAY too early to talk with another guy on the phone, just four days after leaving his ex-boyfriend. And the boy on the other line was still his patient by paper. He was lucky that it was the boy that was calling him and not the other way around.  
“ _I know that you’re probably in bed already and I shouldn’t be disturbing you with my concerns but… Doctor, what are you wearing_?”  
  
Jaehyun coughed. “Excuse me?”  
Taeyong was obviously smiling widely by the sound of it and burst out into a nervous laughter. Oh god, Jaehyun thought and cringed so hard his cheeks were going to burn up. He pressed the phone closer to his ear in a ridiculous attempt to silence the sound of his heartbeat racing in his chest.  
_“Doctor Jaehyun_?” Taeyong purred like he was seriously awaiting an answer.  
Jaehyun inhaled quickly to gather himself. ”Oookay, I think we’re done here. Good night, Mr. Lee” he muttered and hung up just after he heard the other saying “ _No no no no don’t-“._ Too bad the sweet voice  got muted so abruptly, but Jaehyun couldn’t simple handle it anymore – at least not tonight.  
  
But it was impossible to ignore – the boy was flirting blatantly with Jaehyun.  
Or just messing with him on his behalf since he knew he had the doctor wrapped around his little finger.  
Jaehyun turned off his bedside lamp and crawled back under the covers. All these mixed emotions exhausted him even more than Ho-Sub’s persistent calling did. He’ll deal with all this later, but not tonight.

 

Jaehyun was already soundly asleep when his phone buzzed one last time.  
  
23.15 Lee Tae-Yong  
“ _Sorryy_ _: (_ _”_  
  
  
A few days went on with Jaehyun trying to get a grip on his mood. The calls from Ho-Sub had finally stopped, and the anxiety the man had caused him was slowly starting to ease a bit. He even texted the man as a reward for him finally coming to senses.  
  
17.30  
” _Thank you for stopping calling me. We were not right for each other. Let’s focus on ourselves now_ ”  
  
17.32 Ho-Sub<3 (Jaehyun realized the heart was still there and erased it quick soon after)  
” _Fuck you.”_  
  
Well, at least one of them tried to show some decency.  
Jaehyun hadn’t texted Taeyong either since he still wasn’t completely sure how to handle the situation. His plan was to lay low for a few weeks and then meet Taeyong at the office, hoping things would have calmed down by then for his brain to work properly.  
But he really, really missed the boy. Jaehyun thought about the last message he got from him, where he said he was sorry. He hoped he hadn’t scared the boy off completely. Jaehyun was still awfully attracted to him, but he was afraid things were moving way too fast considering that his ex-boyfriend was roaming the streets still pissed and more or less vengeful.  
  
He suddenly remembered he hadn’t told his parents yet. Might as well continue the procrastination.  
  
  
  
  
  


 

He and Johnny were having lunch at the health care center. Johnny couldn’t shut his mouth since he recently got the news that he would be getting a spot as an intern at the University hospital. Jaehyun was obviously very happy for him, but sad that he would see his favorite colleague go.  
“Ah, you’ll get into pediatrics in no-time. How many months do you still have here?” Johnny said while covering his salad with greasy mayo. Jaehyun looked at his own plate with close to nothing green – it was funny how doctors could have such lousy ways of living even though they knew exactly what was supposedly good for them.  
  
“Four months. Not that much really. When will you leave?”  
  
”Next month, unfortuntately. I’m gonna miss you, bro, so make sure you get your ass there ASAP”

Jaehyun would try. He had to apply for the program first, but he was sure he would make it with his good grades and charms. And in a worst case scenario he’d just ask his father to talk with the management of the hospital – note, worst case scenario. But his father was rich and well known, and unfortunately good relations still mattered more than actual professional or academic skill.  
  
The fact that Johnny was leaving did however mean that Jaehyun would have to forget the idea of transferring the pink haired boy to him. The appointment was due in three weeks, and he was sure Johnny was busy enough with tying all the loose ends together with his usual clientele.  
  
A certain idea had lately been occupying his mind more and more. He felt like he would need to be the one to initiate the next contact, considering how he just hung up on the boy last time they spoke. It would be such an easy thing to just send him a message or give him a call, maybe disguising it as a concern for his well-being. But the thing is, Jaehyun didn’t want to call him just to ask about his inhalator. Their last conversation had made him uncomfortable as hell but that was mostly just because of his position as the responsible doctor. If he just could drop the doctor part he would surely be able to converse more freely and maybe, just maybe, react to his flirtation on a positive note.  
  
So wouldn’t it be better if the just break their professional relationship and tell the boy that he’d have another doctor at his next appointment? It might not be Johnny, but still, Jaehyun was allowed to lift his hands up in a case that started to get too personal. He could tell his boss that he knew the patient too well privately to treat him objectively at the health care center, and that would surely be enough for them to immediately transfer all the responsibility to some other doctor, may or may not be Johnny then.

 

And the reason for all this? Jaehyun wanted to ask the boy out. And that was a thing he couldn’t do before cutting their doctor-patient ties, unless he wanted to get rid of his license. He toyed with the idea of asking the boy out for dinner at one of his favorite restaurants down by the river. It was a small but cozy place, perfect for intimate conversations and teasing touches under the table. After eating, they’d walk down the riverside at maybe stop at a bench to watch the blinking lights of the city reflect upon the water.

But wasn’t it too soon, after Ho-Sub?  
What would people think?  
_  
“Hey where did you guys meet?”  
“Oh, you know, he had an appointment with me for asthma and as it happened I suddenly was measuring his peak expiratory flow over dinner”_  
   
  
And there was always the possibility that Jaehyun had read the situation completely wrong with his delusional, lovesick eyes. He couldn’t rule out the fact that the boy might lose interest completely if Jaehyun stopped being his personal medical doctor. He knew that his white coat spoke of power and respect, and usually people fell in love (if they did) with the character of Doctor Jung and not the actual Jung Jaehyun. Maybe this was all just a power play, some obscene kink the boy had discovered he had, and it would lose all of its mystery if Jaehyun stopped being Doctor Jaehyun in the boy’s eyes.  Or maybe Taeyong simply preferred to have this more personal, therapeutic style of vibe going on in order to be able to confidently talk about his problems with the doctor. Jaehyun had heard many psychologist talk about how common it was for their patients to believe they’d fallen in love with them due to the comfortable and trustful relationship being built up between the patient and the therapist. That was a pretty normal phase of any long-time patient-therapist relation, and it didn’t mean anything in the end. But Jaehyun wasn’t a therapist. He had seen the pink hair boy only once at his appointment.

  
Johnny eventually brought him back to reality. “Jaehyun? Is anyone home?”  
  
The younger got startled and tried to remember what they had been talking about. “Oh, sorry, I was… thinking”  
  
“You’re always daydreaming, sometimess your even more absent than my most depressed schizophrenics” Johnny said and dunked him in the back.  
  
“It’s a flaw of mine” Jaehyun said and sipped on his pack of juice.  
  
“What were you thinking about?”  


Should he tell him? Johnny might be able to help. He wouldn’t judge… would he? Nah, not a chance.  
  
“Okay, I’ll tell you, but promise not to interrupt because I hate when people do that”  
  
“Okay” Johnny said and leaned his head to the side against his palm.  
  
“One of my class mates from Uni” (oh Johnny will never believe the asking-for-a-friend lie) is in a kinda tricky situation and asked me for advice, but I just can’t find the right answer… She (nice touch) think’s she has fallen in love with one of her patients. The guy is a little older than her and has apparently been acting in a way that makes her believe he is interested in her too”  
  
“Oh noooo…” Johnny said with a stupid grin on his face.  
  
“I told you not to interrupt! Anyway, she gave him her private phone number-“  
  
“WHY on earth did she do that? Oh my god” Johnny exclaimed.  
  
“Hey, last warning. She gave it because of medical reasons (Johnny shook his head and mouthed “ _no she didn’t_ , Jaehyun acted like he didn’t see it) and after talking a few times she realized that she really want to ask the patient out on a date. She isn’t stupid (Johnny almost spat his water out) … Right, she isn’t stupid, so she’s planning to say up their doctor-patient relationship so that she could talk with him outside the role as a doctor. But she’s uncertain about the ethics in this, and asked me about my opinion. But I’m quite torn about this…”  
  
“Wowow, okay, that situation sucks. But no, that would be professional suicide in case that little fact about their meeting went public within the year. I mean, no patient wants to believe their doctor’s might fall in love with them when their stripping their clothes off to show some ugly wart they have on their ass cheeks”  
  
Johnny was right, of course, and Jaehyun could feel how the reality of his situation pushed him lower against the ground.  
  
“But what if there is something actually nice going on between them? Wouldn’t it be sad to deny them the chance to be together just because they met in an unfortunate situation?”  
  
“Shit happens, life is unfair” Johnny said with a shrug.  
  
“Wouldn’t it be fair to at least give her a chance to see where it leads? She would end the doctor-patient relationship way before it actually starts to matter”  
  
“But it’s still not cool. Even though she has the guy’s consent, it’s still a little bit iffy and dirty”  
  
“I just believe everyone deserves a chance” Jaehyun whined.  
  
Johnny raised an eyebrow. “And why are you asking about my opinion if you’re that strongly on her side?”  
  
Jaehyun thought about his answer for a few seconds. ”I know it’s not right, but I really feel for her in this matter”  
  
“Funny how you just broke up with your boyfriend” Johnny suddenly said with a smirk. He leaned back against his chair looking knowingly at Jaehyun, indicating that he knew exactly what was going on. Jaehyun had never been a particularly good liar. Before coming out at the age of 17 he had lied to his mother about going out on a date with a girl from school. His mother asked him about her name, and during those awkward seconds of Jaehyun’s brain trying to come up with a realistic girl’s name (the first name that popped into his mind was Beyoncé and … well, nope.) Jaehyun’s mother already knew that he was lying. “And I doubt you would go out with a girl wearing THAT” she had said kindly, nodding against his outfit consisting of ankle cut jeans two sizes too small and a deeply cut t-shirt showing a little more than necessary of his chest.  That was the last time Jaehyun wore revealing clothes in town.  
  
“Yeah yeah, my heart is broken and I'm watching romcoms and sobbing at home getting fat. Damn, I forgot I will need to change gym’s now too since I can’t go to Ho-Sub’s old one.  Anyway - that has nothing to do with this story. And furthermore - okay, I get your point, totally." Jaehyun said dismissively, ironically unwrapping a bar of chocolate.  
  
Johnny crossed his arms over his chest and pretended to think deeply for a few seconds.  "Okay, listen - the only way it might work is if it's done really carefully, so that when it comes out a year or two later no-one really cares about the details anymore. And maybe it'll be wise not to officially announce the relationship as long as this patient guy is being a client at that particular hospital or whatever. But it is still a stupid idea"  
  
The younger doctor munched on the chocolate while trying to fit Johnny's advice into his own situation. So Johnny did approve of it after all, at least to some minimal extent – and that was enough for him at the moment. He wished he could tell Johnny how incredibly relieving it felt to hear those words from him.  "You're a really wise man, Johnny. Thanks. I'll… talk with her"  
  
Johnny looked at him silently for a while. Jaehyun knew that he knew how hard he was trying to bullshit Johnny. The younger finished his chocolate and made a move to leave the table with his tray.  
  
"Jaehyun."  
  
The other swallowed, balancing the plates and glass on his tray that was unfortunately a little shaky due to his own nervous tremor. "Yes, Hyung?"  
  
"Is he hot?"  
  
Jaehyun tried his best to keep the eye contact steady. He will not be a coward anymore, not with Ho-Sub out of the picture. Just thinking of that name made him want to bite down on his own tongue.  
  
"Yes"  
  
"And nicer than that ex of yours?"   
  
"Definitely"   
  
"And not a druggie or a psychopath?"  
  
"No, he's not"  
  
Johnny sighed but kept smiling kindly.  
  
"Okay. Go get him then"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jaehyun thought about it long and hard. He thought about it from every angle, trying to come up with the best solution to approach the boy. There more time that went, the more nervous Jaehyun got about the fact that the boy might have ended up losing interesting in him since that night when Jaehyun hung up on him. He had to contact him somehow, and the only way he could do it naturally (and avoiding it becoming too awkward in case things didn’t work out between them) was to contact him from work. He was still allowed to check upon his patients, especially Taeyong, considering how he just recently passed out.  
So a good two weeks before their appointment Jaehyun finally decided to call the boy.  
The clock was already over 4 p.m. so he didn’t need to afraid of being disrupted by nurses wanting to consult him regarding the fifteenth flu-patient of the day.  
  
Jaehyun was sitting at his desk with his white coat on, knowing it boosted his confidence levels even when just talking on the phone.  
  
After maybe five or six beeps Taeyong picked up the phone. “ _Doctor Jaehyun_?”  
  
Jaehyun almost gasped when he realized the pink haired boy must have saved his work phone-number on his phone as well.  
  
“Y-Yes, it’s me calling from the health care center. I just wanted to know how you’re doing miste-… Taeyong-hyung”  
  
“ _I’ve been alright, I guess”_  
  
“You guess?”  
  
“ _Well I might be catching the flu or something, because yesterday it felt like I didn’t have the energy to do those high intensity choreo’s. But after leaving them out I felt fine for the rest of the practice_ ”  


“Do you have fever? Coughing?”  
  
_“Nope_ ” The phone rustled so he was probably shaking his pink head too.  
   
“Fair enough. Does the inhalator work?”  
_  
“It actually do help a little bit, so, that’s good”_  
  
Jaehyun typed some comments to the patient journal. “Okay, good, good… I’ll arrange asthma tests for you in two weeks. Your atopic dermatitis would go quite well together with an asthma diagnosis”  
  
_“How often can I take this Salbutamol stuff?”_  
  
“1-2 puffs 1-6 times a day as long as it doesn’t give you heart palpitations”  
  
_“Alright. Thank you Doctor Jaehyun”_  
  
And there it was that awkward silence again – both knew they wanted to talk to each other, but neither dared to open the line first.  
He heard Taeyong cough a little at the other end of the line, which worried the young doctor.  
  
“Taeyong, are you alright?”  
  
Some rustling and the sound of water filling up a glass was heard on the other line. _“Yes, yes, I promise doctor Jaehyun. I’m fine. Wait”  
_  
Jaehyun stayed quiet when he heard the boy drink some water. Then some more rustling was heard and soon a deep, slow inhale. After a click was heard the boy exhaled equally calmly out again.  
  
_“See? I took my medicine”_. Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile since the boy sounded like such an adorable dork.  
  
“Very well, I trust you” Jaehyun said kindly.  
  
The line was silent for a while again and Jaehyun struggled to come up with something to say. He didn’t know how to chitchat with his _patients_ , damn it.  
  
“Ehm, I’m sorry I hung up on you the other week”  
  
A huge sigh of relief was heard through the phone. _“Phew, so I can talk normally with you despite this being your work phone? I thought you were hella mad at me”_  
  
The relief in Taeyong’s voice hit a certain soft spot in Jaehyun’s chest. So he hadn’t forgotten about him just yet. He hadn’t forgotten about their phone calls. He hadn’t forgotten about Jung Jaehyun.  
   
“You can talk about anything you want, I promise I’ll listen and don’t hang up this time” the doctor said lightly, his voice affected by the warmth building up inside his chest.  
   
Taeyong’s bubble blabbering should be put into a tiny box and sold as an antidepressant, Jaehyun thought for himself, not really listening to what the boy actually said _. “Great! I didn’t dare to text you or anything because I thought I made you genuinely upset. Or like, maybe you got a little upset, but like, not in that way that you didn’t want to hear from me anymore”  
   
_“It’s… okay, I do wanna hear from you.”  
  


_“Oh, good! Well, I had been thinking, or, uhm, Doctor Jaehyun do you still have some time to talk?”_  
  
Jaehyun chuckled silently. “I’m in no rush anywhere except for home”  
  
“ _Okay! So we are having this show on Saturday at Bristol, and I was thinking if you would maybe want to come to watch us perform? Hopefully ‘til the end, this time”_ Jaehyun could sense his nervousness by the way he’d lost the smooth melody from his usual way of talking.  
  
“You’d want me to come as your personal medic or as a guest?” Jaehyun mused.  
  
_“Guest! Guest of course! Would you come_?”  
  
Oh Jaehyun would have loved to. His stomach was like a rave party for butterflies high on ecstasy – he had just been asked out on a date, KIND OF. Okay maybe not an actual date – but he got an invitation to participate in an event important to Taeyong. If that wasn’t baby steps towards the beginning of a promising love story then Jaehyun, an aspiring pediatrician, had never seen a baby.  

  
Too bad that he had already promised to take his parents out for dinner that night.  
  
“Well, I really don’t have a boyfriend to drag along anymore, wouldn’t it look weird if your doctor, as your friends now know me, came to your show alone?”  
  
_“Naaaah, they’re too simpleminded and busy to connect the dots, they wouldn’t care. I’d be very happy if you could make it!”_  
  
Ah, how bad Jaehyun now felt for the boy.  
“I’m really sorry but unfortunately I’ve already made plans with someone else that Saturday. I would have loved to come”  
  
The disappointment was palpable in Taeyong’s voice. “ _Oh. You’re dating so soon after breaking up with that douchebag?”_  
  
“No, no, I’m gonna have dinner with my parents”  
_  
“Oooh._ _Oh, okay. Okay._ _What a shame but I hope you have a great time, Doc_!” And he was back to his normal, bubbly self.  


“Just don’t faint on stage. I won’t be running there to save you this time”  
  
Taeyong laughed nervously. _“Damn. That was my plan B for getting you there”  
_  
“Don’t you dare”  
  
There was some rustling again and the line fell silent for a few seconds, before Taeyong’s quick mouth started spitting words again.  
_“But hey! How does this sound? I feel kinda bad for upsetting you last time, and I also feel like I should thank you for helping me out during the last show, so, maybe I could make it up to you by buying you ice-cream or coffee or, I don’t know, whatever people like you like to eat?”_  
  
Jaehyun tried his best to hide the excited giggle that was dying to get out in the back of his throat. “ ‘people like you..’”  
  
The older boy sounded flustered. “ _Doctor Jaehyun!! Don’t leave me hanging here!”_  
  
The doctor was smiling ridiculously wide with the phone pressed up to his ear.  
  
“I normally don’t accept date offers from patients because that’s just downright immoral, but I suppose I have to make an exception for you, Yongie-Hyung”. The nickname rolled sweetly off Jaehyun’s tongue, wondering what effect it would have on the older.  
  
The other scoffed. “ _I never said it’s a date”_  
  
_Sure it is, don’t lie to yourself, baby._ “Of course not. I was just joking. So, when and where do you want me for an ice cream… meeting?”  
  
Taeyong sounded really uncomfortable trying to remember what he had planned to say. It was kind of endearing, after all. “ _Ehm, Sunday afternoon if the weather’s nice? I’ll text you the address. I have work in the evening so I’m anyway going downtown”  
_  
“Sunday sounds good, it’s a date, then!” Jaehyun chirped merrily.  
  
Taeyong cringed at the pun. _“Stop taunting me, doctor Jaehyun!”_  
  
“Sorry. And you can call me Jaehyun, by the way. I won’t be having ice cream with a kid calling me doctor in public”  
_  
“I’M OLDER THAN YOU!”_  
  
“Oh right, sorry again, Taeyong!” _Hope he enjoys the tease, or else I’m screwed_.  
  
_“And it’s still Hyung for you, you little brat”_  
  
Jaehyun bit his lip through his smile. Gosh, the boy was just too precious.  
   
“You’re just adorable, you know that? Hey, I see you on Sunday then, Hyung”  
  
The older boy mumbled something incoherent before ending the call with a nervous bye.

Jaehyun still had the phone in his hand when he realized that he didn’t even know that the dancing boy had a job. He hadn’t even thought about asking about his work – what if he was a freaking drug dealer or something?  
Well, that wouldn’t be too bad considering Jaehyun is a legal drugdealer.  


Jaehyun stared at his empty monitor for a few minutes.  
He’s determined now to claim the boy for himself. He needs him, he wants him, and he hasn’t even seen him more than two times. But this is apparently how it begins.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jae and TY on their non-date :)  
> (BTW! Just six days left before I see Neo city in Canada! :O I probably won't be updating before I'm back in Finland)

  
  
The Saturday before their date (Jaehyun still couldn't settle on whether to call it a date or not, but hey, what would it otherwise be? Taeyong was delusional if anything if he didn’t believe Jaehyun would interpret the situation as a date invitation) Jaehyun took his parents out for dinner. They were happy to see him but it did not take long before his mother asked him about Ho-Sub’s whereabouts and why he hadn't joined for dinner. There was no use in prolonging the agony so Jaehyun told them reluctantly that they broke up just recently. Jaehyun's dad seemed somewhat relieved (probably thinking that his only son had finally come to his senses regarding same sex relationships) but his mother was plainly put quite devastated. She had really, really liked him, after all. And what would happen now with the plans to couch him into leadership?  
  
"You can still give him the business if you believe he's the right person for it, I don't care. Maybe it's a good thing to be a mean son-of-a..  -pardon me- to be _mean_ in the business world" Jaehyun sighed.  
  
"Ah, Jaejae, you're sure about this? You two were such a good match, so handsome and all" his mother wailed.  
  
_No we were not, we were a horrible match_. Jaehyun however shut his mouth and settled on gritting his teeth. His mother saw his distress and was courteous enough not to force an answer out of him. In the end, all she wanted was for her only son to be happy with whomever he chooses to spend his life with – but preferably someone wealthy from a good family, of course. His father didn’t push him either, knowing he was in enough stress as it was with his long working days. So the rest of the dinner went pretty well, and they all parted with warm hugs. Jaehyun didn't even consider going to club Bristol to catch the last bits of the Dance Academy’s show. He wasn't that desperate, right?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Fuckkkk" he swore to himself when he noticed how the shirt he had planned to wear was stained with coffee. He had been struggling with deciding what to wear for the last two hours, and in order to get in time to the address Taeyong had sent him he would need to get going in fifteen minutes. Shit, and he hadn't even done his hair yet? Nah, he was definitely not desperate.  
  
He settled on some tight black jeans, a crisp, white shirt and a light blue sweater. When he looked at himself in the mirror he noticed how affected he still was by Ho-Subs sense of apparel. Well, the guy had style - that Jaehyun couldn’t take away from him however angry he was with the man. Jaehyun didn’t have time for hair wax so he let his bouncy locks fall heavily over his forehead, noticing how they almost covered his eyes. Double shit -  He would need to book an appointment to the hairdresser next week, for sure.  
  
The speed limit was violated quite a few times when Jaehyun drove his fancy car down the road. He had been instructed to park his car on the parking lot belonging to one of the lesser known botanical gardens of the city. He had stressed so much about the time that he didn’t even notice how he drove past Taeyong who was sitting on a bench near the entrance. So it was fair to say that he got quite startled when he heard the older boy’s voice great him the moment he opened the door to his car. “JAEHYUN!”  
  
Said doctor quickly jumped out of the car to see the pink haired boy walk towards him with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing heavily ripped jeans, a studded leather-jacket over an oversized grey hoodie and a cap covering half of his pretty face. This was only the third time Jaehyun saw him in real life – and despite the cap, he found his utterly stunning - as expected of the boy with heart shaped eyes.  
  
A smile small crept up on Taeyong’s beautiful face when he came in on him.  
  
“Hey”  
  
“Hello, Hyung” Jaehyun replied, unable to take his eyes off the boy.  
  
“Nice car!” The other said and stopped a couple feet away to admire Jaehyun’s pride and joy.  
  
“Thanks. I know”  


”How on earth can you afford something like that in your age?” ”  
  
  
“I don’t, but my wealthy parents do. They bought it for me"  
  
“Oh, so you’re posh” Taeyong said looking down at his shoes kicking some dirt on the ground.  
Jaehyun shrugged and felt a little bit embarrassed. It felt like he always had to defend himself in front of people who weren’t blessed by the same luxury as him. And furthermore, he really didn’t like when people made assumptions of him based on the way he dresses and the car he drives. He’s not posh. He would have no problems camping in the wild without any necessarily of daily life! You know, as long as there’s running water and a proper toilet, he would be quite alright.  
  
“Does it matter?”  
  
Taeyong tilted his head to the side like a puppy, and Jaehyun could finally get a good look on the boy hiding under the cap. His eyes were truly enormous, making every subtle expression of his face slightly exaggerated like he was a character from a comic book.  
  
“Well you’re buying the ice cream then. Let’s go.”  
  
The other strutted towards the entrance of the park, and Jaehyun caught himself staring at his legs. They were so long they looked like there were no ends to them, and the strips of skin peeping through the rips of the fabric tickled his fancy way more than it should.  


Jaehyun ran up to him, trying to keep his pace.  
  
“So… I hope your show went well yesterday? I mean, you’re still alive”  
  
Taeyong turned his head to Jaehyun and rolled his eyes.  
  
“Hmm, yes, you missed a great stage! And I didn’t pass out this time”

  
“Good. I was worried, you know”  
  
Taeyong chuckled and pulled his cap a little lower.  
  
”Tsss. Did you enjoy the dinner with your rich parents? Did you have Kobe beef fed on caviar and gold leafs?”  
  
“Very funny” Jaehyun muttered.  
  
They walked in silence for a while. The park was beautiful – green and lush, filled with exotic flowers with Latin names sounding like one of those pharmaceutical brands giving shamelessly out freebies to the medical staff. Taeyong didn’t look around much – maybe he spent a lot of time here anyways, or maybe he was just shitting his pants in nervousness. Jaehyun however enjoyed the stroll very much. He didn’t see anything weird in walking next to a beautiful boy in silence - why would they need words when they could just share the smell and the sound and the view of the peaceful greenery? He would gladly spend all of his Sundays just walking quietly in a park with Taeyong by his side.  
  
Almost like he heard his thoughts, the older boy interrupted him.  
  
“Why did you worry about me, Doctor Jaehyun?”  
  
“Huh?  
  
”You said you were worried. Why?” Taeyong looked curiously at Jaehyun under his cap.  
  
”Uhm, oh, well, you’re my patient, of course I worry about your health”  
  
Taeyong looked back at his boots.  
  
“Isn’t it awfully exhausting to worry about all your patients?”  
  
Jaehyun laughed. “Well obviously I don’t worry about all of them”  
  
“But you do worry about me?”  
  
_He needs my appreciation so bad, god, when can I give it to him?  
  
_”Of course I worry about you. You’re my favorite patient” Jaehyun said and smiled widely, eyes fixed on Taeyong to observe his response. Indeed, his little pink mouth twitched.  
  
“Are you even allowed to have favorite patients?”  
  
“No” Jaehyun chuckled.  
  
Taeyong looked back at Jaehyun with one eyebrow raised under his cap. “Such a rebel there, Doc”.  
What’s up with that expression though?  
  


They walked for maybe 10 more minutes, chit chatting about this and that, until they reached the cutest little red painted house with a few matching tables outside. A group of children were happily lapping their ice-cream bolls while trying to pet someone’s wide eyed poodle. A couple was sitting on a bench hand in hand, watching the small stream of people going in and out the shop. It looked like the most adorable place, Jaehyun thought _. No wonder he wanted to take me here._ The whole area looked most suitable for the cute boy pacing in front of him.  
  
“We’re here! My favorite little shop! You’re gonna love it!” Taeyong said merrily and dragged Jaehyun by the arm towards the shop. The touch at his elbow burned hot through his sweater as a most pleasant surprise.  
  
They stepped inside the little shop, which was heavily decorated with pictures from old newspapers. Apparently some famous people had visited here too. Jaehyun tried to catch a glimpse of someone he recognized and spotted some artist he’d listened to back in the days, when he suddenly remembered the amount of followers on Taeyong’s Instagram page.  
  
“Don’t tell me your picture is somewhere here too” He said sarcastically.  
  
“No, no, no I promise!! It’s just really, really good ice cream!” He looked like an overgrown child in a candy shop when he eyed all the different colorful flavors behind the glass vitrine. Jaehyun took out his wallet since he already knew he would be the one buying, even though Taeyong originally had offered to treat him.  
  
“What do you want, Hyung?” He asked while trying to choose a flavor for himself.  
  
“Uhm, the blue bubble-gum one and the cherry-cream one!” He exclaimed excitedly. The older man behind the desk smiled at his enthusiasm and begun to scoop the requested flavors. Jaehyun chose the pistachio ice-cream and proceeded to pay for both of them.  
  
Taeyong was already licking his cone when he touched Jaehyun’s elbow gently one more time. “Thank you, Doc!”  
  
Jaehyun glanced at the happy boy next to him while he finished his payment.  
  
“Just call me Jaehyun, will you?”  
  
The boy nudged his side teasingly and purred an ”Okay, Jaehyun” as a response before walking out of the tiny shop. Jaehyun followed outside to sit next to the boy on a bench situated under an old cherry three (and no, it was NOT in bloom, that would have been way too romantic). They ate silently for a while, watching the kids playing outside the shop. It was almost too peaceful for it to be true. Jaehyun had to get some discussion going on or else it would turn out awkward.  
  
“You were right, this ice cream is the real deal” Jaehyun said.   
  
The other boy looked at him and smiled, working eagerly on the bubble-gum flavor.  
  
“I know right?” He took a bite of the ice cream and grimaced when his front teeth hit the cold dessert.  
  
”Hey, you told me you have work tonight. What do you work with?”  
  
Taeyong wiped his mouth with his oversized hoodie paws. ”Uhm, I just do some part time job at a bar. Basically just to finance my studying. Not like my studies are going anywhere though”  
  
“A bar? Ain’t that dangerous?” He would have liked to add _for someone pretty and fragile like you_ , but he knew better than to say something daft like that. In truth he knew the boy wasn’t the least bit fragile. He was probably three times stronger than Jaehyun just considering all those technically demanding moves he had practiced for dancing. Jaehyun would be the one to get beaten up to a pulp if they got into a fight.  
  
The older laughed a little and shook his head.  
”No, it’s really not. I don’t know what kind of bars you imagine me working in”  
  
Jaehyun finished up his ice-cream quick (Taeyong hadn’t been exaggerating with how outstanding the place was). He analyzed silently what he knew about the boy so far. He studied and also kind of didn’t study pharmacy, danced on his free time and worked in a bar when he wasn’t dancing. He had a dog. He seemed to be gay of bi (If not, Jaehyun might as well dig a hole and bury himself), had recovered from an eating disorder, had a sister in town while his parents lived further away on the countryside. He lived with a roommate (this Jaehyun found out just earlier today when he had asked about why he hadn’t taken Ruby with him to the park– apparently his roommate looked after her while Taeyong worked nights). It sounded like a fairly normal life for an edgy guy like the pink haired boy. Except for the fact that Taeyong was anything but normal.  


“I’m really full” Taeyong whined, still having most of the cherry flavored ice cream uneaten.  
  
“You shouldn’t have picked a double sized one then” Jaehyun said and petted him quickly on his head, hoping the older wouldn’t think he was treating him like some kid. In that exact moment a football flew right over his head, startling Jaehyun so bad he shrieked. A few actual kids ran past them to fetch the ball back.  
  
Taeyong laughed at Jaehyun’s reaction. “Maybe those kids want the rest of my ice cream?”  
  
“Jeez, no, that’ll be really weird”. Jaehyun got up from the bench. ”Give it to me, I’ll eat it. I’m gonna go get those kids their own cones while teaching them a lesson”. Taeyong handed the rest of his cone to Jaehyun with wide eyes, before watching the younger walk back to the shop, slurping up the rest the cherry ice cream.  
  
He emerged 10 minutes later with four cones that he gave to the three boys and a girl playing soccer. The kids were over the moon and immediately forgot about their ball to focus on their sweet treat instead. Jaehyun’s chest filled with warmth seeing those small happy faces. He couldn’t wait to become a father himself someday – maybe when he was past 30 and a specialized doctor with enough money to buy a penthouse with his own self-earned money.  
“Promise not to aim at me again” the doctor said before walking back up to Taeyong.  
  
  
  
  
Taeyong was still sitting wide eyed watching the taller boy approach him.  
“Wow, great bribing skills you have going on there. You would be an excellent daddy. Too bad you’re gay” Taeyong said sarcastically.  
  
Jaehyun ignored the sarcasm just to annoy the older boy a little.  
“Doesn’t erase the fact that I aim to be an excellent _dad_ someday”. Jaehyun went back to sit next to Taeyong, watching contently at the kids lying in the grass with their treats.  
  
“Crazy” Taeyong said absently.  
  
”What? You don’t have any plans for the future?”  
  
”Ain’t it a little bit early to talk about kids and plans for the future?”  
  
Jaehyun blushed and look at his feet. ”Why? This ain’t a date so I can talk about what I want, right?”  
  
Taeyong switched uncomfortably next to him. “Mhm, I guess” He said halfheartedly. ”But you know, planning for the future makes me anxious. You never know what might happen. I might die tomorrow, and you might not be able to save me”  
  
Jaehyun frowned at the sudden change of atmosphere. The boy clearly didn’t have any problems talking about death, even when he was sitting in a blooming park on a sunny day watching kids play outside an ice cream parlor  
.  
“I’m gonna ignore most of what you just said”  
  
Taeyong shrugged.  
  
“But seriously though – what are you going to do about your studies? And your dancing? What’s your goal, Hyung?”  
  
The older turned his face against Jaehyun, searching for some eye contact that Jaehyun reluctantly gave him (knowing he would turn red like a tomato in a matter of seconds). They stared at each other for a while, and Jaehyun felt like drowning into those deep huge pits under Taeyong’s sharp eyebrows. He had already fallen and he knew he would never be able to crawl back up again on his own, so he might as well yield to the man hiding behind those black waters. He might as well strip all of his clothes and throw away his dignity because the man in front of him could probably see him inside and out.  
  
“You sound concerned. And why are your ears turning red?”  
  
“I…” Jaehyun started stammering.  
  
” _ANYWAYS_. I want to finish my degree so that I can earn my living once my ass gets too saggy for dancing. I don’t want to work at the bar. I don’t like the drunks, I don’t like the girls trying to ask me out, I don’t like the guys touching me with their nasty fingers, I don’t like my greedy boss, and I certainly don’t like how dirty that place is! Jeez, I can’t stand dirty people”  
  
Jaehyun was surprised to find the boy getting so agitated. He felt bad for him, knowing that he, at the age of 26, was forced to work in a place he didn’t feel safe in just to be able to pay his rent. His lovesick heart wanted to tell the boy that he could pay for his living, or, even better, invite him to move into his penthouse for free, but his sense and resason put a stop to the thought from even being formed to a complete sentence.  
  
“Then quit?” Jaehyun tried. Gosh, that was stupid.    
  
”You have any idea how hard it is to find a part time job as a student without a degree?” Taeyong snapped.  
Jaehyun broke the eye contact and looked down at his hands. No, he didn’t know that. He was too lucky to know real life struggles.  
  
They sat quiet for a while again, just watching people come and go.  
  
“How about you, Doc? What are you gonna do with your life?” Taeyong finally asked, a little less worked up than before.  
  
“Work and specialize, I guess. I wanted to be a children’s doctor. But I’m not so sure about that anymore. I don’t think I’m fit. I mean, spending my free time with one of my patients that happens to be you ain’t doing good for my morale. So I might need to reconsider. My parents are trying to get me into their business as a consultant but I don’t know shit about leadership and technology, so I’ve ruled that out as well. Did I tell you that my evil ex is going to become the next CEO for my parents company once they retire?”  
  
“Ugh, that’s awkward” Taeyong cringed.  
  
”Yeah it’s quite horrible”  
  
A group of giggling girls walked past them, and Jaehyun saw how one of them tried to take a sneaky picture of him and Taeyong (mostly Taeyong) when she thought they weren’t looking. Taeyong glanced in their direction earning a few high pitched “Hi Oppa~”:s and even more nervous giggles. Jaehyun was intrigued. He was used to getting longing glances from women, but he still hadn’t been photographed in secrecy – no, this was something else.  
  
”Your fans, I suppose?” Jaehyun said teasingly and raised an eyebrow.  
  
”I don’t know, it happens sometimes. I don’t think they even know who I am, they just find my hair cute”  
   
“Well you are quite a sight after all” Jaehyun said softly and smiled his most dimpled smile he could possibly master in the pink haired boy’s direction. But instead of smiling back, the older boy frowned and shook his head.  
  
“What?”  
  
The pink haired boy lowered his gaze and started ripping at the holes in his jeans again restlessly. His answer was delayed, making the doctor think it might be an answer that neither Taeyong or Jaehyun actually wanted to hear. Instinctively his hand went out in order to palm the other one’s smaller hand, but something inside him hesitated and forced his hand to stop mid movement. He settled on touching lightly the boy’s forearm with the tips of his fingers, and when the other didn’t retract the hand Jaehyun allowed himself to stroke the smooth skin soothingly with more intention. Despite the thick hoodie and the leather jacket (that was lying on the bench next to them) his skin felt cold.  
  
“I just… I just can’t see it” Taeyong finally said.  
  
”See what, Hyung?”  
  
“I just don’t understand why everyone’s having this weird fascination with my looks. I don’t feel pretty, Doctor Jaehyun, I don’t feel pretty at all”  
  
Jaehyun knew it was his eating disorder speaking. He knew it was just a pathological mindset that was hard to change, probably impossible to cure completely, but the words still felt like a dirty knife twisting around in Jaehyun’s belly. Anorexia is the meanest of bitches – while the body may heal in a year, the mind usually don’t. The twisted idea about the perfect body will forever haunt some of them whenever they see their image being reflected in the mirror. So Jaehyun knew there was no use in trying to convince Taeyong wrong - the only thing he could do was shower the boy with love, appreciation and motivation.  
  
“You are pretty Taeyong, probably the prettiest person to have ever been born on this lousy earth. That’s why people want to take your picture, you see?” Jaehyun did his best to sound as light hearted as possible, not wanting to spill too much of his true feelings too soon.    
  
Taeyong blushed and swallowed hard.  
“I used to be better looking, you know”  
  
Jaehyun was tempted to say _“I’ve seen your old pictures on facebook, and you’re wrong, so very wrong”_ but he couldn’t, now wanting to reveal what kind of a creepy stalker he really was (he regretted googling his name quite bad by now). So instead he shut his mouth and continued stroking the boy’s arm softly.  
  
“I’ve only seen you the way you are now, and that is what matters to me”  
  
Taeyong trembled under the touch.  
  
  
  
  
  
Half an hour later Taeyong wanted to leave. His shift would start in an hour and he couldn’t afford missing the bus. Jaehyun was intrigued to see what kind of a shithole the boy worked at (and well, spend some more time with him) so he offered to drive him there. Jaehyun’s car was his makeshift puppy when it came to getting people’s attention, so he wasn’t surprised to find Taeyong accepting his offer. So they both walked back to the parking lot, talking in a way more relaxed way compared to two hours ago.  
  
Jaehyun was definitely pleased with the situation. He wasn’t sure what Taeyong’s aim had been with this meeting considering how he didn’t seem to think it was a “date” per se, but the boy seemed happy enough, strolling contently next to Jaehyun with a small smile on his face.   
  
Taeyong gasped when he got seated on the front seat of the car.  
  
“Wooooooow this car is amazing??” He said excitedly, touching exactly everything and everything in his close proximity. The leather squeaked under him since he couldn’t seem to sit still for more than a few seconds.  
  
“Yes it is awesome” Jaehyun said proudly when he pulled out from the parking lot.  
  
Taeyong watched him closely when he maneuvered the car, almost to the extent it started to bother the driver.  
  
“What’s wrong? You don’t have a driver’s license?” Jaehyun asked.  
  
”Well, no, why would I? I personally wouldn’t be able to afford neither a license nor a car with my incomes”.  
  
Moneytalk again. Damn, Jaehyun needs to be more careful with asking questions that might in the worst case scenario put walls between them.    
  
“Maybe I should become sick more often so I could use the ambulance or your sexy doctormobile” Taeyong laughed and clapped the leather seats.  
  
“Tsss. Just help me navigate to your workplace so I can go home” Jaehyun smirked. He was so pumped up by the pink haired boys company that he didn’t even notice that he was speeding.  
  
Soon enough Jaehyun was told to stop outside a complex of buildings in a neighborhood he wasn’t personally that acquainted to. He was relieved to find the bar fairly decent, at least from the outside. He didn’t knew what might have happened if he would have found the bar to be some underworld drugden - he wouldn’t have allowed Taeyong to take a single step inside a place like that.  


“Yeah, this is it. My favorite place on earth” Taeyong said sourly.  
  
“I’m sure you won’t be here long though. You’ll find another job” Jaehyun said comfortingly and patted the boy on his shoulder.  
  
Taeyong turned to face Jaehyun while he clicked his seatbelt open.  
   
“Hey, doc, thank you for the Ice cream. I had a nice day”  
   
Jaehyun’s heart felt like bursting again by seeing the genuine thankfulness reflect upon Taeyong’s beautiful features. He noticed how the boy’s cheeks were getting slightly rosy as he restlessly fingered on the hem of his hoodie.  
  
“Thank YOU, Hyung. I had a wonderful day too. I guess we see each other at my appointment in approximately 10 days?”  Wow, mentioning his appointment felt so wrong and sterile at the moment.  
  
“Uh, yeah! I’m looking forward to it!”  
  
Jaehyun laughed kindly. ”Most people don’t look forward to their doctor’s appointments but I guess you’re a multilevel exception”  
  
The boy’s blush deepened even more, but he kept eye contact like a champ. His huge eyes made the staring quite intense, forcing Jaehyun to lower his gaze just the slightest. The doctor allowed himself to fix his eyes on the boy’s lush pink lips just for a moment, trying to memorize the placement of the small moles decorating the delicate skin. The glance didn’t last long since Taeyong was shifting restlessly on his seat, apparently trying to come up with something witty to say.  
  
Eventually they whole situation reminded of a bad Hollywood romcom where the characters didn’t know how to say farewell to each other inside the car. Should they stretch out for an awkward half-hug? Just wave pathetically at each other even though they sat close enough to touch?  
  
The tense atmosphere was getting too cringy to handle. Jaehyun turned his gaze back at the steering wheel, fingering on some light switch nervously.  
  
“Well, keep safe at work, then” He said awkwardly.  
  
He certainly didn’t expect what was to happen next. One second he noticed the boy moving in the corner of his eye, and the second later he felt a pair of plump lips pressed lightly against his cheek. The touch was so light it was barely there, but enough to make every single cell in Jaehyun’s body vibrate feverishly. It was like he’d lost all his air in his lungs, and instead of being filled up with the usual mix of oxygen and nitrogen they were filled by the sweet but masculine fragrance of Taeyong’s skin. He didn’t notice himself wheezing.  
The moment lasted just a few short seconds, and when Jaehyun finally got dragged back to reality Taeyong had already pulled back. He turned to look at Taeyong, feeling his ears getting violently red and his kissed cheek burning. He lightly lifted his hand to touch the skin where Taeyong’s lips had been for the briefest moment.  
  
The pink haired boy was also blushing coyly, blinking in Jaehyun’s direction probably trying to read the doctor’s reaction.  
  
Jaehyun couldn’t do anything else than let out a puff of air before smiling a wide, dimpled smile. A look of relief spread over Taeyong’s face as he smiled back and bit his lip slightly.  
  
No words were needed, and the pink haired boy exited the car with sparkling eyes.  
  
Jaehyun watched him strut towards the bar, glancing back over his shoulder in the direction of the doctor’s car.  
  
Jaehyun had never been happier.  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay one more before I go :) Dramarama to come

11:45  
 _Hi! Just wanted to say thank you for yesterday! I hope work went well  
_  
Jaehyun had seldom been this gleeful at work on a Monday. He had noticed the effect his constant smiling had on his patients too, since most had left the room with their spirits noticeably higher than before coming in. As soon as the patient had left the room Jaehyun had tried to fight the urge to text the boy the best he could, but when lunch break came he simply couldn’t hold back anymore.  
  
He dropped his fork on the floor when his phone beeped in his pocket. Johnny raised a curious eyebrow watching Jaehyun clumsily picking up the fork and fishing out this phone at the same time.  
  
“I assume it’s someone important?” Johnny teased.  
  
”Mhm”  
  
12:05 Lee Tae-Yong  
 _Hey!! Yes it was alright, thank you for asking. And thanks for the ride and all that. Hope you slept well so you’re ready for a new week :))_  
  
Jaehyun smiled widely, ignoring the face Johnny was pulling in his direction while munching mindlessly at his burger.

  
12.06  
 _I slept 10 hours straight so a pretty solid night.  I’m having lunch now, have you already eaten?_  
  
12.07 Lee Tae-Yong  
 _Not yet, I’m studying at the library now, actually. Having a test on Friday about drug interactions  
  
_ “Jaehyyuuuun” Johnny whined. _  
_  
12.08  
 _Promise me to eat well, Hyung? Study hard and text me anytime if you need help!_  
  
12.08 Lee-Tae Yong  
 _I promise and thank you Jaehyunnie~ xx_  
  
“Awwww” Jaehyun said out loud when he saw the kisses at the end of the message. Johnny was looking extremely frustrated when Jaehyun just blatantly ignored him even though he sat right in front of the younger boy.  
“Look, I’m not even going to ask who you’re texting with but you look even cheesier than a cheeseburger without salad, patty, bun and the occasional tomato. But as your friend I think I deserve to know what goes on in your life” Johnny said before stuffing his mouth with the last of the fries.  
  
“Yeah, yeah” Jaehyun said laughingly and looked quite dreamily at something imaginary behind Johnny’s shoulder. “I don’t even think I’m in love - I know I am”. No use in hiding the truth from Johnny since the older man would figure it out in just a matter of time anyways.  
  
Johnny didn’t bother to wait for him to finish chewing. “Wow, so soon after-….”  
  
“Stop it, I haven’t loved that douchebag for a long time -  it was over ages ago”  
  
Johnny took a long sip of his drink gathering up his leftover on the tray.  
“Is it… uhm… The same “guy” that your “friend” was having a crush on?” For once, even the older man looked a little embarrassed mouthing out the secret he wasn’t supposed to know.

“Johnny-Hyung, please”  
  
“It is though?”  
  
Jaehyun looked around to make sure no-one was eavesdropping.  
He leaned closer to Johnny and said “it is” in a low voice.  
  
Johnny thought about it for a second with confusion written on his features, before he returned to realtime and nodded approvingly in the younger doctor’s direction. He grabbed Jaehyun’s upper arm and gave it a proper squeeze. “Just don’t lose your license, please”.  
  
Jaehyun nodded. During the week that passed he hadn’t really put any thought into the seriousness of the situation if things were about to evolve into the direction Jaehyun wished for.  Taeyong was still his patient and Jaehyun had still full responsibility over his treatment for whatever mystery ailment the boy had. If there hadn’t been an actual collapse Jaehyun would have leant towards calling the breathlessness panic attacks, but the collapse… It changed it completely - it could be serious, even. And the young doctor felt like he had an obligation to find out what it is. But Johnny was right, of course.

 

Jaehyun concluded that the best thing to do would be to come up with a good diagnostic plan during the next appointment and send the boy to the hospital for some 24-hour Holter monitoring to find out if he had any paroxysmal arrhythmia's. After that he would have time to find a trustful colleague that could take on the patient.

He and Taeyong though.  
How would he explain it to his parents?  
  
  
  
When Jaehyun came back to his office he heard the phone beep again. He opened it up eagerly only to find his heart dropping back down to the deepest pit of his stomach. Ho-Sub hadn’t been calling or texting him for a week now, so he was mildly surprised and mostly disappointed to see the man’s name popping up on his screen.  
  
12.35 Ho-Sub DON’T ANSWER  
 _Just wanted to tell you I spoke to your parents yesterday. Mrs. Jung was upset. We came to the conclusion that we’ll keep up with the original plan so I’m still being trained to take over their company. Looking forward to get-together's with you and your family :P_  
  
Jaehyun groaned out load. He would never get rid of this jerk.  
  
12.37  
 _I don’t care. I’m moving on with my life and so should you._  
  
12.38 Ho-Sub DON’T ANSWER  
 _I know you’ll come back to me eventually. For your parents sake I’d suggest you reconsider your choices quickly; it’ll be a lot easier if we get together before your mother gets real sad ;(_ _  
  
_ 12:38  
 _Don’t text me, please. I still don’t care about you._  
  
Of course the bitch would use his parents as leverage. The thing Ho-Sub didn’t seem to understand what that his parents loved Jaehyun - their only son - unconditionally, and his happiness would always be put before the company and therefor also Ho-Sub. Jaehyun would eventually start tolerating seeing the man at certain family events (which mostly revolved around the company anyways) so for now he decided to just ignore the bitch. His threats were useless anyway since Jaehyun’s parents would always value Jaehyun’s opinion the most. He knew he could just have said that he didn’t want Ho-Sub to take over the company, and his parents would most likely have respected his wish and eventually have settled with his decision. But Jaehyun wasn’t childish, and he knew that his parents valued Ho-Subs professionalism and skillset for real. Let the man do the job if he’s good at it. It wasn’t like Jaehyun would be hanging out at the company headquarters anyways.  
  


12.43 Ho-Sub DON’T ANSWER  
 _You’ll regret this, you fucking twat_

 

 

 

 

The week was quite busy, meaning Jaehyun could focus his mind on stuff that was important instead of his never-ending quarrel with his ex and then the pink haired boy that he didn’t really know how to approach. Jaehyun had offered to help with his exam and been so bold as to invite the boy over to his house to study (Jaehyun was a doctor after all and had studied pharmacy at Uni as well).  The boy had thanked for the invite with a stream of emoji’s, but unfortunately he had had to decline due to dance practice. Maybe that’s for the better, Jaehyun thought. He didn’t know how to keep calm and decent with the boy in his apartment, lying on his wide bed scrolling mindlessly through the pages of a thick, dusty academic tome…  

 

It was Thursday afternoon and he had been particularly busy with three psychiatric patients coming in after the other. They took time and they required his full attention, meaning Jaehyun could check his phone first after their appointments. He knew it had been buzzing a few times, but was still somewhat surprised to find that it was Taeyong who had called him thrice a few hours ago. The young doctor frowned – he couldn’t possibly be that stuck with his studying, even though it was the day before the test? He was a 26 year old man after all and not a teenager and fully capable of studying on his own.  

Jaehyun gave him a call back, but the phone just beeped monotonously.    
  
He tried to call a second time 30 minutes later but the boy still didn’t answer. Hmm, weird. He didn’t need to get worried, did he?  
  
16.35  
 _Hyung is everything alright?_ _You need help with anything?_  
  
After his last patient, Jaehyun went to work out in the new gym he had recently bought a gym card to, and expected an answer to arrive into his inbox just about any time.  But no answer was heard. Even though he was sweaty and hot, the droplets on his back suddenly started to feel quite chilly. He dried his forehead with a towel and contemplated what he should do with the worry building up inside his stomach. The pink haired boy might just be out of his house and had run out of battery. Jaehyun didn’t even know where the boy lived, studied or practiced, so he couldn’t just drive there and ask about him either. He didn’t know the name of his roommate or his friends either. So he just told himself to stop worrying about nothing and decided to get going home. But as expected, the worry inside him just kept growing. It was just awfully hard to forget about the gnawing feeling in his stomach.

 

Mid-dinner around eight o’clock his phone buzzed.  
  
20.11 Lee Tae-Yong  
 _Hey, sorry I didn’t get to turn on my phone before now. Can I call you later?_  
  
Jaehyun didn’t waste any time to call back. He left his dinner to cool down on the table and paced nervously around his apartment waiting for the boy to answer. The rain was pouring hard outside. _Answer, goddamnit_ , Jaehyun thought while biting down on his thumb.  
  
 _“Jaehyun?”_  
  
“Hyung, you alright? I saw that you tried to call earlier”  
  
 _”Yeah I did_ ” His voice sounded sore. “ _I wasn’t feeling good”_  
  
A chill went through the young doctor’s spine. “What? What happened?”  
  
” _I was at the library when I suddenly got trouble breathing, so I took the Salbutamol but it didn’t help. Then it felt like I had this heavy weight on my chest and I couldn’t inhale properly. So I tried to call you. When you didn’t answer I called my friend from the Academy who promised to pick me up. I thought about asking him to drive me to your health care center but when I called there the nurse informed me that it would be better for me to go to the emergency directly. Then my phone died-…”_  
  
“Yeah I expected that was the case” Jaehyun interrupted.  
  
“ _Mhm. Well, so we drove to the emergency and during the way there the symptoms went away and I started feeling better. But I thought you would want me to get checked up despite that_ ”  
  
It warmed Jaehyun’s heart to know the boy had thought about him. “Yes, good, I’m really proud of you. What did the doctor’s at the hospital say?”  
  
“ _The queues were horrible; we were waiting for three hours before it was my turn… They took my ECG and checked my saturation, but everything was normal as usual. The doctor seemed busy so he just examined me, said it was a panic attack and gave me some freaking benzos”._ Taeyong sounded somewhat agitated talking about the drugs they offered him. Jaehyun had learnt earlier when reading his patient records that he wasn’t one to erase his problems with sedatives.  
  
“Right” Jaehyun said disappointedly. He had stopped by his living room window and stared at the heavy rain falling down over the city. “Did you take them?”  
  
“ _No, quetiapine is a sedative enough, I don’t wanna become a zombie”_ He whined.  
  
“Good choice, Taeyongie-Hyung” _Oh poor baby…  
_  
“ _Anyway, I just got home and charged my damn phone….”  
_  
Jaehyun drew his hand through his hair and sighed heavily. He didn’t need this extra stress in his life, especially not when it concerned Taeyong. His protective instinct was flipping out and he felt like he personally should guard the boy until they found out what was wrong with him. Wouldn’t it be too much to invite him over to his house? Would it though?  
  
“How are you feeling now? Damn, you got me really worked up here”  
  
Taeyong chuckled slightly. “ _Yeah I’m fine. I’m pissed that I didn’t get to take my books with me to the emergency but I suppose I’ve crammed enough to pass the exam tomorrow_ ”  
  
”Don’t think about that now. You sure you are alright? No chest pains?”  
  
 _”No, nothing. I’m just a little tired”_  
  
”Don’t you wanna come here? I’m really worried something bad might happen to you during the night” Jaehyun couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore. He might as well speak out his concerns. When the older didn’t instantly reply Jaehyun continued, feeling his ears redden again. “But obviously you don’t… you don’t have to. I just thought…”  
  
Taeyong stuttered a little. _“Umh, yeah… I was thinking about studying a little and my roommate’s here so…But thanks”  
_  
They talked for a little longer, Jaehyun making sure he got all the details of what had happened that day. He would make a referral to the Holter-examination tomorrow morning ASAP. He was afraid Taeyong might have some congenital arrhythmia that didn’t show in the first ECG. He had asked about his family history, and it seemed like his uncle had passed away suddenly at a very young age. Due to cardiac arrest, perhaps?  
Around nine o’clock they ended the call, since the older had wanted to review the literature at least once before going to bed. Jaehyun didn’t feel at ease for the rest of the night and slept lousily. He was seriously quite afraid something would happen to the boy during the night, meaning that he in the worst case scenario didn’t just fail as a doctor, but also lost a promising friend. The world couldn’t be so cruel as to take something as beautiful and talented as Taeyong away from him this soon.  
  
As soon as he woke up, he sent a worrying text to the boy to ask him how he was doing.  
  
7.02 Lee Tae-Yong  
 _I feel a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for caring about me <3_  
  
7.11  
 _Good luck with your exam! You’ll do great cutie_  
  
7.12 Lee Tae-Yong  
 _aww thanks doc xx_  
  
It took a lot of courage for Jaehyun to send the text since the flattery basically screamed out that Jaehyun had a fancy for the boy, but then again - he MUST already know it, ever since Jaehyun smiled his heart out when he received the shy kiss on his cheek last Sunday. He must know, _he must!_ And Taeyong seems to like him too, right? They both know it. It is just a matter of who takes the first step.  
  
Of course Jaehyun knew it would be wrong. He knew it could end horribly bad for both of them considering how they met. But for once in his proper life Jaehyun didn’t really want to care about the consequences. He wanted Taeyong, come what may.  
  
  
  
  


 

And eventually the day of _the_ appointment came. Jaehyun had booked an hour’s appointment so that he wouldn’t be in any rush of getting the boy out of the room before the next patient was due. He hadn’t slept a second – that’s how ridiculously nervous he was. The anticipation he now felt was something completely different from the one he felt before their ice-cream date, since he now knew there were sparks between them that both acknowledged positively at least to some degree.  
  
His hair was newly cut, he had made sure to shave every last sign of facial hair off his chin and wore a newly washed shirt and black skintight pants. Like most conservative workplaces he was usually expected to wear a tie to work, but today he chose to leave it at home since it made him feel more uptight than what he actually was. He regretted not being able to wear his favorite cologne to work though (People might get allergic, you know). He met Johnny at lunch as always and got compliments for his new fresh haircut. Otherwise no comments were made, and he was happy that his sneaky senior at least didn’t know WHO the boy that Jaehyun had his eyes set on was.  
  
Jaehyun took a deep breath before going towards the door to call in a certain pink haired boy that ironically took Jaehyun’s breath away as much as he suffered from it himself.  
  
He opened the door and saw the boy sitting with his back against him scrolling his phone. He wore his usual ripped jeans and a thin white t-shirt, his hair newly dyed a deeper shade of pink. Jaehyun’s breath hitched and as he had heard it the boy turned his head to notice Jaehyun standing stupidly by the door. A smile crept up on his pretty face and he got up from his chair.  
  
“…Mr.Lee” Jaehyun said as not to make the other clients in the waiting room confused.  
  
Said Lee Taeyong walked gracefully towards him and entered the room, getting seated in the chair in front of Jaehyun’s desk. Jaehyun swallowed and walked past the boy (fighting the urge to touch his ridiculously pink hair) to sit down in front of his computer. The boy was once again ripping at the threads of his jeans and looking at his hands.  
  
“I’m so glad to see you” Jaehyun finally said.  
  
Taeyong lifted his gaze to match Jaehyun’s.  
  
“You stole the words out of my mouth”  
  
Jaehyun’s cheeks had already a rosy tint. “How are you doing, Hyung? Did you hear about  your exam?”  
  
The boy crossed his legs and leant back in the chair. “I’m doing great. And I passed the exam, Doctor Jaehyun!”  
  
”Well congratulations, Hyung”  
  
Jaehyun found himself completely frozen in front of the computer. What was he supposed to do again? He looked at the boy and knew there were quite a few things he wanted to do to him but none of them had any medical indication. He awkwardly picked out his notes he had made earlier regarding the plan he had made up for the boy. Holter…. referral to spirometry to assess pulmonary function… D-Dimer… Ferritin levels… But the words had lost all their meaning when Jaehyun tried to read them. He was pretty much stuck in quicksand. He started feeling his ears getting hotter and hotter, and the thin shirt under his white coat was getting clammy by sweat.  
  
“You alright, doc?” Taeyong asked.  
  
”Yeah, yeah, I’m just… Sorry I got lost in thought”  
  
“It’s okay”  
  
What the fuck was he supposed to do?  
  
He chuckled nervously to hide his embarrassment. “I had made a nice plan for how to continue figuring out what’s wrong with you, but for some reason my brain ain’t working properly right now”  
  
“Oh, but I already got the address where to pick up the Holter-machine, or did you have something else in mind?”  
  
Oh, oh good, at least one thing could be crossed from the list.  
“Very good. I’m.. uhm… I’ll do this referral to the spirometry to rule out if you have any pulmonary restriction or obstruction. Your Peak-flow-measurements have been pretty solid which speaks against asthma so…”  
  
The boy nodded and waited for instructions. Jaehyun bit his tongue and managed to focus enough to make the referral ready.  
  
“The spirometry can be done directly here at the health care center, you think you could go after this appointment if I book the time slot for you?”  
  
“Sure!”  
  
Jaehyun booked the time slot and was happy that he now at least got two things crossed from his list. Taeyong interrupted him when Jaehyun was printing the booking confirmation for Taeyong to take with him.  
  
“Don’t you want to listen to my lungs?”  
  
Jaehyun turned back to the boy and saw how the corner of his mouth was twitching ever so slightly.  
  
“Mhm, yes, I was just about to do that” Jaehyun stammered.  
  
The boy uncrossed his legs and lowered his voice in such a devilish tone Jaehyun regretted even coming to work today.  
  
“You want me to undress?”  
  
The young doctor blinked at him stupidly for a few seconds, astonished by the faint dirtiness of the usually quite innocent question at a doctor’s office.  
  
“Jaehyun?” the boy purred.  
  
Jaehyun put the papers he had in his hands onto the desk and turned to face the boy completely.  
  
“Yes” He answered breathlessly.  
  
The pink haired boy raised one of his eyebrows before proceeding to remove his thin t-shirt teasingly slow. Jaehyun felt how his breath got stuck in his throat while he watched the boy gracefully lift the shirt over his head. His skin was so fair, even fairer than he remembered it from their first appointment. All his ribs could be seen under his skin next to slim but definitely traceable musculature whenever he took a breath. He remembered the boy saying he had a tattoo – where could it be, he wondered?  
  
Taeyong looked at Jaehyun with half-lidden eyes partly covered by his pink tresses, and Jaehyun knew he couldn’t stop his own staring. _He had to do something, he had to say something, he had to-…_  
  
“You.... you are so beautiful” Jaehyun stuttered, not really thinking about the consequences his words might have.   
  
Taeyong made a puffing sound and looked down into his lap thoughtfully, flipping his fringe out of his eyes. After a while he lifted his gaze again and looked at Jaehyun with slightly more confidence than before. Then he slowly got up from his chair and walked up to the doctor who was still staring blatantly at the pink haired boy’s pretty _everything._  
  
Taeyong looked down at the still seated doctor. He then hesitantly lifted a trembling hand up to touch Jaehyun behind his neck where his newly cut hair was sharply sticking the older boy’s fingers. Since Jaehyun used all his willpower on saying those words to Taeyong he just relaxed helplessly against the chair and waited for the boy to do whatever he wanted to.  Soon another hand took hold of his shoulder and before he knew it, Taeyong had leant down to press his lips directly onto Jaehyun’s fuller ones.  
  
The moment their lips sealed, Jaehyun knew his whole world of bullet proof glass would very soon be crushed into a million glimmering pieces, only to be puzzled back by Taeyong and Taeyong alone.  
  
He smelled like flowers, he tasted like strawberry cream, his touch was as soothing as the softest of velvets – Jaehyun wished the boy would suck him in and never let go. He closed his eyes and let out a gratified sigh to let the boy know how much he had longed for this moment to happen. Taeyong pressed on a little harder and let his hand move up from Jaehyun’s shoulder to cup his cheek. When Jaehyun opened his eyes  he felt his eyelashes brush against the other.

 

Eventually the older pulled away, probably more due to his awkward position than anything else, because his ravished eyes couldn’t leave Jaehyun’s lips. Eventually the pair of blacks flickered up to meet Jaehyun’s brown. The young doctor was certain he could see the whole universe in those eyes by how it made everything else around him feel ugly and shallow.

Taeyong suddenly crouched down and put his arms on Jaehyun’s knees, so that he could look up at Jaehyun instead of looking down. His stared at him with giant cat eyes, however looking so undermined in that humiliating position that Jaehyun felt bad.  
  
“Jaehyun, I … if you aren’t okay with this, just say” Taeyong’s voice sounded tiny.  
  
Jaehyun shook his head, and grabbed hold of the boy’s arms, pulling him up to stand again.  
  
“They only thing I’m not okay with is looking down on you on my dirty office floor. Get up” Jaehyun voice cracked.  Furthermore, he didn’t want the boy to beg. At least not here, not this time.  
Taeyong stood up to his full height and looked thoughtfully at the younger doctor.

When Jaehyun didn’t move or say anything, the younger proceeded to crawl up onto Jaehyun’s lap, spreading his legs around Jaehyun’s, making the chair squeak. He grabbed hold of Jaehyun’s neck and closed in on him, hovering his deprived lips over the hot skin under Jaehyun’s cheekbone. The weight of the older boy on Jaehyun’s lap felt so very right and even more than that, weirdly pacifying. He wrapped his arms around Taeyong’s tiny waist to keep him secured up against him.

“Can I kiss you again?” The older whispered against his cheek.  
  
“There’s nothing else I want more, Hyung” Jaehyun replied, to which Taeyong smiled coyly. Half a second later Taeyong clashed their lips together in something way more passionate than the chaste kiss they shared before. Jaehyun grasped at Taeyong’s cool skin and angled his face so that their noses wouldn’t hinder their hot mouths.  
  
The doctor felt sweet warmth churning in his stomach as he let his lips open slightly, making Taeyong’s pink ones wet with the tip of his tongue. The older understood the que and opened up himself too, letting his own curious tongue tickle against Jaehyun’s own. The younger moaned and gave in immediately, letting him in completely. Taeyong was the dominant one in this play, exploring Jaehyun’s mouth eagerly, licking his white teeth and battling his tongue against the floor of his mouth.  
  
They kissed languidly and deeply, tasting each other like they were some kind of expensive champagne. Taeyong tasted and felt so good and fresh and young against his touch compared to his bitchy ex, who Jaehyun really didn’t want to waste a second on in this dream come true. He craved to hold him tighter, so he pulled his chest closer to his, forcing the other to sit up higher on his lap. The older boy let out a pleasurable groan that made something long lost and wonderfully dirty wake up inside Jaehyun.

 

He soon lost track of where their hands where since their bodies felt almost connected by how close they were to each other. He inhaled the boy’s scent through his nose, smelling hints of his slightly oriental shampoo through his sweet cologne. Somehow it felt like this was the first time Jaehyun ever really kissed, because the boy felt so different under his touch compared to the men Jaehyun had claimed for himself during the years – Taeyong felt so alive and vivid, like he had the nine lives of a cat hidden up his sleeve. How could God’s perfect creation ever have doubted himself? How could he ever have been so down as to hurt his own body by neglecting his basic needs? Jaehyun almost teared up by all the affection he suddenly felt towards the boy, who was kissing him back with an equally fiery passion.

Taeyong’s hands were playing with Jaehyun newly cut hair, letting the soft strands fall between his long, slim fingers. Jaehyun wanted to touch the other boy’s hair too, but he was afraid he would fall off if he let go of the tight hold he had of his waist. Taeyong started kissing him more vigorously while pulling at Jaehyun’s hair hard enough to force the boy to lift his chin up. He settled on sucking on his lower lips making the younger doctor hiss.

 

However fucked up this was - having his topless patient on his lap inside his office - it still felt probably more right than anything Jaehyun had even done in his entire life. Just the thought of getting more of the boy made his stomach tighten with a deliciously hot burn.

  
Taeyong eventually pulled apart their lips for an inch or so, leaving a thin strand of saliva connecting their hungry mouths. Jaehyun was already breathing heavily and staring intensely into the boy’s almost black eyes.  
  
“You are so beautiful” Jaehyun said under his breath.  
  
“You already said so” Taeyong whispered “And you’re so hot I’m soon gonna rip that coat off you, Doc”  
  
Jaehyun pulled him closer with a hard jerk, making his growing hardness brush against Taeyong’s jeans. He breathed hard through his nose before giving the older a yearning kiss on the corner of his mouth. Jaehyun hadn’t even noticed how Taeyong’s left hand had been crawling up inside his shirt for a while already.

  
He knew they couldn’t take it any further here, and he was surprised that this so-called _virgin_ seemed to be so eager to play _. He must have lied,_ Jaehyun thought, and let one of his hands grab hold of the older one’s nape possessively but carefully, like he was some expensive doll.

  
Jaehyun glanced at the clock and noticed that he only had fifteen minutes before the next patient was supposed to have his or her turn to meet Doctor Jung. Taeyong noticed that Jaehyun was glancing at the clock, and sighed disappointingly. He cupped his cheeks with both hands and pouted.  
  
“I guess you won’t be listening to my lungs”  
  
Jaehyun looked at the boy, taking in every single eyelash, every imperfection on his skin. He was utterly breathtaking despite his scars, his pimples and the bags under his eyes caused by too little sleep. How would Jaehyun ever be able recover from an _appointment_ like this?  
  
Taeyong leant in again and planted a soft kiss on Jaehyun’s red swollen lips.  
  
“I think I will be able to breathe easier just by kissing you, doctor Jaehyun” Taeyong purred.  
  
Jaehyun pulled his head closer with the hand he had on his neck, not yet completely done with the boy’s lips. They settled on kissing slowly and lightly for five more minutes, nothing else being heard in the silent room than the the sweet noises made by wet lips on each other.

 

When they finally pulled apart Taeyong smiled a tight lipped smile, and made a move to get off Jaehyun’s lap. Jaehyun let go of him and saw the boy gliding gracefully off his lap. He picked up his shirt and put it on, taking a quick glance in the mirror to check the damage Jaehyun had made to his styled pink hair.  
  
Jaehyun was just sitting stupidly in his chair, uncomfortably aware of the bulge in his pants which forced him to eventually cross his legs.  
  
“When can we meet again?”  
  
Jaehyun’s voice was hoarse when he replied. “Uhm, like, here or…?”  
  
“Not here, stupid. Your place?” Taeyong said, pink lips pouting.  
  
Jaehyun laughed a little. He would need to think this through thoroughly before giving an answer about when and where. He had probably already stepped over all boundaries possible with this make-out session in his freaking office, but meeting up at his home… No, he would need to cease their doctor-patient relationship before that. Once they went that far as to share a bed in their current roles there was truly no going back.

“Talk about it later, right?”

Taeyong nodded. His hair was standing up funnily at the back of his neck, but Jaehyun didn’t have the heart to tell him.  
  
Jaehyun checke the watch again. 5 more minutes until his next patient. He still had time to go visit the toilet and splash some cold water on his face. “I’ll show you out” he said and got up from the chair. Jaehyun stopped next to the shorter boy and finally got the chance to draw his hand through the pink haired boy's bleached, harsh hair. The move resulted in Taeyong grabbing hold of his forearms to kiss him one last time directly onto his mouth.  With a disappointed sigh Jaehyun had to release himself from Taeyong’s grip before opening the door to let him out.  
  
What he saw next completely killed his newly found euphoria together with his boner.  
  
  
  
  
It was Ho-Sub, sitting on one of the chairs next to his actual patient in the waiting room.

Taeyong recognized the man (mostly because of the hateful way he stared at the pink haired boy) and stopped mid-movement, flinching visibly.  
  
“Go” Jaehyun whispered to Taeyong, who looked worriedly back at Jaehyun before quickly walking away to exit the waiting hall as quickly as possible.  
  
Ho-Sub didn't even look in Taeyong's direction before getting up from the chair to walk up to face Jaehyun. The doctor was dead set that the man would say something utterly horrible in front of his actual patients, but he still prayed to all the gods that his ex at least had some decency not to screw his career up. It was low enough of him to actually come all the way to his workplace. He glanced nervously at the people sitting in the chairs around them.   
  
Ho-Sub looked at him crookedly, scanning his ex-boyfriend from top to toe, probably noticing the way Jaehyun’s lips were red and plump. He looked disgusted, and scoffed.  
  
“Dear Jaehyun, I must say that I am surprised” His ex said viciously.  
  
Jaehyun clenched his fists hard and bit his cheek as not to snap at the man or do something stupid that would make him lose his job.  
Ho-Sub leaned slowly closer to Jaehyun.  
  
“You left me for _him_?” He whispered into his ear.


	6. Chapter 6

Ho-Sub left the health care center without further ado when Jaehyun threatened to call the security to escort him out. His insides were boiling as he watched the wicked man walk out. His next patient was kind enough to wait for the young doctor to take a quick, mostly mental break in the restroom.  
  
The doctor splashed his face with ice cold water and counted to thirty very slowly. Too much was happening at the same time - the beautiful boy and the things he had made Jaehyun _feel_ both emotionally and physically at his so called appointment (An automatic bill would be sent to the boy due to health care center policies, which made Jaehyun feel kind of cheap), and now Ho-Sub's threatmaking... The man was blackmailing him, and Jaehyun had to sort it out.  
  
Jaehyun had dragged Ho-Sub aside to an empty hallway, not wanting to let his waiting patients see the mess that was about to come. What were the odds that the idiot had decided to come to his work place just at the exact time as Taeyong was there? And furthermore, how could he be that disrespectful and childish as to de facto come to Jaehyun's work place? It was disrespectful against his clients as well!  
  
"I want you back next to my side, because that's where you belong. Your parents are dreaming of a family business and I can't continue to lead unless we get married in the future. It will be a lot easier for you to just realize you made a mistake right now" he said with a determined look in his stern eyes.  
  
 Jaehyun scoffed and crossed his arms.  
  
"Sounds like a healthy relationship, Ho-Sub. I'll never get back to you"  
  
Ho-Sub shifted his weight casually from one foot to another.  
  
"That pink haired boy that ran away like a wimp when he saw me, I recognized him, you know, from the dance show. I know by the way you looked at him at the show that you have the hots for him. Since you broke up with me, I’m certain that you two have had some dirty thing going on behind my back. And since he just came out of your office I assume he's officially a patient to you which... Which makes it all kind of fucked up. Wow, imagine what a shitstorm it would be if the story was to be published..."  
  
"That's bullcrap! Where's your proof? He came in for a check-up since he collapsed last Saturday, if you might remember such an insignificant detail" Jaehyun lied.   
  
"i don't need any proof. A rumor can be just as damaging"  
  
"Ho-Sub, I don't have time for this, cut the crap"   
  
"I'll give you two weeks to figure out your life. Either you take me back or I'll spread the rumor about you having an inappropriate relationship with a male patient."   
  
Jaehyun just gaped at the devil in front of him.  
  
_What?_  
  
 Could he really.... How could he do that? The guy is crazy!  
  
He tried to hide the desperation that was seeping through his voice, but failed miserably. "That will never happen! Get out now or I'll call the guards"   
  
"Good luck finding a new job then" Ho-Sub smirked before turning around and leaving.   
  
  
  
Jaehyun knew had made a huge mistake and that it would be neither easy nor cheap to drag himself out of shit this deep. Worst of all, the genuine happiness he had felt having that boy in his arms had been crushed hard under heavy guilt and regret. He had known about the consequences, Johnny had even been understanding enough to advise him, but still Jaehyun managed to fuck up. Fuck, he had even been planning their next date in his head when he was opening the door to let Taeyong out.   
  
  
He needed to forget about the boy for a few days now. More pressing matters were upon him - like how he'd figure things out with Ho-Sub without having to neither live with him again nor lose his job. He refused to get back together with the idiot -  that would be borderline masochistic. But his career... Even though it would only be a rumor, a rumor is bad enough to make people look at him with wrong eyes. No, he had to do everything in his power as to stop that rumor spreading out. What if he could fake it for a while to please Ho-Sub for a while? In such a case where he was forced to bend to his ex's will, maybe Jaehyun could begin to act like such an annoying whiny bitch that the other willingly left him? Jaehyun frowned at the thought - too exhausting and too risky.  
  
Maybe he could talk to his parents and ask them to leave Ho-Sub jobless? But in that case the man would most certainly spread the shitty rumor as a revenge anyway.  And Jaehyun didn’t want to tell his parents about this anyways, since they would be so, SO disappointed with Jaehyun's unprofessionalism...  
  
This was just way too complicated right now. He had real patients to take care off.   
  
  
///  
  
  
  
21.30 Lee Tae-Yong  
_Hey, you good? Why was he at your workplace?_  
  
Jaehyun was lying in bed watching some brainless movie about sharks and tornadoes when his phone beeped.   
  
Taeyong, pretty, pretty tiny Taeyong and his innocent eyes hiding something way darker and more somber than Jaehyun could ever imagine. Jaehyun felt a sting in his heart, since the boy was still blissfully oblivious of their situation. He contemplated not answering, shutting the boy out before any more damage could be inflicted upon them both. But the memory of Taeyong's plush lips on his own was way too fresh, and he couldn't let go of that memory, not just yet.   
  
21.47  
_Hi, i'm okay. He was bitching around like a crazy person. He wants me back. I told him no  
  
_Taeyong had most likely been waiting for the answer since Jaehyun's phone beeped within a few seconds after sending his message.   
  
21.47 Lee Tae-Yong  
_Is it something about me?_  
  
He couldn't tell him on text, that's for sure. He owed the boy at least that much.   
  
21.48  
_He's a jealous man and your handsome face doesn't help. I'll tell you another time_    
  
Jaehyun found himself staring at the screen, waiting for a reply. None came, however. The boy didn't feel guilt, did he? Jaehyun bit his tongue nervously and swore to himself when he felt the metallic taste on blood in his mouth. Come on, say something   
  
22.00 Lee Tae-Yong   
_I've been thinking about what happened today. I hope we can meet again soon. Like, really soon  
_  
Jaehyun stared at his screen for a moment. _I wish I could keep you near me for the rest of your life but it seems impossible._ God, he really wished for the boy to be his! But his career, the one he had worked so hard for... Ho-Sub's rumor wouldn't even be a rumor anymore since anyone could see the truth with their own eyes. But no, he still didn't have the heart to reject the boy via text without an explanation. And he himself felt that he really needed to see him in person to be honest and truthful to his own conscience too.  
  
22.04  
_You realize we did something very wrong today? I cannot see you as a patient again. You call there tomorrow and tell them you want to book the next appointment to another g.p. because of personal reasons  
_  
  
22.05 Lee Tae-Yong  
_I'm sorry for putting you into trouble :(  
_  
  
He hoped he hadn’t sounded too harsh. Should he say it?   
  
  
22.05  
_It's not your fault... I wanted it too...  
  
_  
22.05 _  
and now i want a lot more  
_  
  
His heart was racing again waiting for the answer. He thought about everything that could be labeled under "more". Everything sickly and morally fucked but so utterly, deliciously satisfying. Jaehyun knew he wanted all of it. If only he could push the reality of his situation somewhere deep down where no-one remembered it actually existed.  
  
  
22.08 Lee Tae-Yong  
_I can give you more. I'll come there immediately, I’ll take a taxi. Just give me your address. Please?  
_  
  
Don't beg, baby... Don't beg.   
  
  
22.09  
_I can't today. But i'll take you out on dinner next friday if you want to?_  
  
  
22.10 Lee Tae-Yong  
_Oh for sure Jaehyunnie! I’ll make sure that I won’t have practice then.  
_  
  
Jaehyun snorted at the boy's eagerness.  He's too precious for this ugly world.  
  
  
22.12  
_This is a real date now then? Or are you gonna deny the fact again ;)  
_  
  
22.12 Lee Tae-Yong  
_It's a date and I promise to make myself pretty for you on Friday doctor Jaehyun :)  
  
_22.12  
_You're always pretty. And remember to call the health care center tomorrow, I can’t be your g.p. anymore._    
  
  
22.13 Lee Tae-Yong  
_I will._  
  
  
  
Jaehyun didn't feel much better the next day either. Ho-Sub's threat had haunted his dreams all night. Two weeks, he has two weeks to come up with a solution to this mess. He pushed his worries away the best he could as not to let it affect his working, because he wasn't sure what reason to give in case he had to ask for sickleave.   
  
He was at lunch together with Johnny and the rest of the personnel. Johnny didn't know about yesterday's mess yet but he would certainly figure it out at some point.   
When talking about some interesting case with Johnny, Jaehyun felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see his senior's face. It was a nice senior, one who had taken Jaehyun under his arms when Jaehyun came here as a newly legitimated doctor.  
  
"Jaehyun, a nurse came to tell me that she'd transferred one of your patients to me. Lee Taeyong, some guy your age, do you remember? She said you both wanted a transfer for personal reasons and that got me curious, if you don't mind"  
  
Jaehyun cheeks instantly flushed to a dark red color, and he had to clear his voice before answering.   
  
"Uhm, yes, we know each other… in civil life. Our appointments got a little bit too brotherly so I thought it's better to keep our civil friendship and doctor-patient relationship apart."  
"Very well. I'll take good care of your friend" His senior said with a gentle smile. Jaehyun felt Johnny staring at him when the senior walked away to sit at his own usual place in the breakroom.  
  
"’brotherly’" Johnny said under his breath.   
Jaehyun gave him a sharp look as to beg him to shut his mouth. It didn't work.   
  
"Lee Taeyong. I don't know that guy. But I guess I can find out"  Johnny said with faked thoughtfulness and pulled out his phone.   
  
"No, you can't start googling my patients’ names!!" (Obviously Jaehyun hadn't told him that he had done the exact same thing earlier)  
  
"Tss, I' m your friend so I can google the person who you're dating" Johnny whispered and typed on his phone. Jaehyun groaned and facepalmed, feeling horribly exposed.   
  
Johnny whistled ( _degrading,_ Jaehyun thought) and opened a picture from some photoshoot Taeyong had participated in. His hair was white in that picture and he was wearing skintight white clothing making him look out-of-this-worldish. He almost pushed the phone into Jaehun's face.   
"it's this guy isn't it? Wow, he's crazy handsome! ( _And he will be mine_ , Jaehyun thought). I totally see why you have the hots for him ( _It's more than that_ , Jaehyun thought). He looks super scary though and not exactly your style, like what's up with the eyeliner"   
  
"He's not.... Oh shut up Johnny, don't talk about him like that" Jaehyun glanced nervously around to make sure no-one was listening around them.   
  
" O-m-g so it is him, damn you man" Johnny hissed.  
  
Jaehyun made a move to leave the table, not really in the mood of talking about his unconventional dating life. Johnny however quickly grabbed his forearm.    
  
"You haven't done anything stupid have you?"   
  
He always knew how to ask the right questions. Jaehyun looked him in the eyes and sighed, lying "No", however knowing Johnny knew the truth anyway.   
  
  
Jaehyun slept badly the night between Thursday and Friday. Ho-Sub had sent him a text to remind him that he's still waiting for his answer. Johnny was being suspicious. Jaehyun himself had forgotten to ask for the blood samples he had planned to run on Taeyong (he's surprised he even managed to make a referral to spirometry during that absurd fiasco of an appointment) and now he was anxious he should have run them anyway since it was still a few weeks until his senior's appointment. Jaehyun had however removed himself from the patient's care so it would look weird if he started to ask for blood samples now. Luckily the boy had seemed quite fine lately so maybe it wasn't anything serious after all. Jaehyum checked his phone religiously for emergency calls but luckily there were none.   
  
Johnny's comment about Taeyong looking scary also got annoyingly stuck in his mind. It was a fact that Jaehyun didn't know too much about him yet. Why his studies weren't going forward at all, why he still were using anti psychotic medication even though he claimed he had recovered, why a handsome man his age still lived with a dog and a roommate in a shared apartment. Why he had avoided going to the doctor's only to start engaging sexually with the first one who showed him some understanding? Maybe the guy had some kink on authorities and uniforms, but it still felt weird how the boy almost objectified him at times. Jaehyun didn't believe him one second that he wasn't that sexually experienced, unless he was a really good actor. Was it really wise to get involved with this mysterious ice prince, like Johnny had started to call him?   
  
And eventually Friday came. Jaehyun had planned to take Taeyong to the riverside restaurant he had had in his mind about earlier too.  It was a good restaurant for first dates – tried and approved. After having dated around for a few years he was kind of familiar with the routine anyways, making sure not to bring any gifts that might get the other to feel wrongly accused of being the feminine part in the relationship. Taeyong was graceful and elegant but managed to emit a strong sense of masculinity too, making Jaehyun unsure of how the other wanted to position himself. So the best option was letting both parts just be themselves without expecting anyone to take some stereotypical gender roles. In the end, it didn’t matter the slightest to Jaehyun. Ho-Sub had been the dominant one in their relationship so Jaehyun would be quite fine if Taeyong felt more comfortable in the dominant position, but he doubted it strongly based on the way the boy spoke and flirted with Jaehyun. And if he was being honest with himself, he actually longed for taking some control for once, especially when the subject was someone as pretty and petite as Taeyong.  
  
The young doctor had bought a new shirt and some nice, well fitted light blue jeans. He wore his favorite sultry-as-fuck cologne, pretty confident that it was enough to drive the older mad. He checked himself out in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised  (His confidence levels skyrocketing since he was kind of forgetting about the fact that he had planned to tell Taeyong about the threat he got from his ex) even though he had slept badly.  
  
He had promised to pick him up from some address, supposedly where he lived. It was a pretty rugged apartment complex, mostly being inhabited by students by the look of the mix of both hip and uniform-clad youngsters around him. When he pulled up, Taeyong was already waiting outside. To Jaehyun's surprise he looked more polished now, wearing whole (!) slim fitted black jeans and a sand colored wool coat. His hair was big and, well, pink as always, kind of dragging down the otherwise neat look. But it looked amazing on him, so.  
  
Taeyong recognized the big, dark car and run quickly up to the passenger side to get in.   
He opened the door with a "Hii!!" and jumped in the car on the passenger seat. Jaehyun greeted him with a smile, and they both ended up looking stupidly at each other, being in that awkward car-dilemma once again.   
  
"Hey, how are we feeling today?"  
  
"Great" Taeyong answered and started tuning in the radio to some undergroup rap channel. Jaehyun took it as a sign to drive away with the boy fidgeting with whatever he was doing in the corner of his eye. Why did he call him a boy in his mind, by the way? He's a full grown man, for god's sake, Jaehyun thought to himself.   
  
They went through the usual platitudes of life, dance, work and newly released netflix seasons. Jaehyun pulled up at the parking lot outside the brickbuilt, honestly speaking quite romantic little riverside restaurant.   
  
"You always take your dates here?  Taeyong asked.   
  
"You make it sound so bad" Jaehyun whined and got up from the car. He waited for the older to follow  before he locked the car doors. Taeyong however just stood next to the car, not really doing any effort to follow Jaehyun towards the restaurant. Jaehyun turned around and walked back up to the boy.   
  
"What?" he asked.   
  
The older pouted and crossed his arms.   
  
"This is a date right? Aren't you gonna greet me with a kiss?"   
  
"Ain't that what you usually do at the end of the date?"   
  
"I thought we passed the stage of first kisses outside someone's front door"  
  
Jaehyun smiled at the boy's reasoning. His palms were sweating though, because casual kisses out on the streets made it feel a whole lot more real. No-one knew their connection except Johnny and Ho-Sub, so there shouldn't be anything to be afraid of, right? He walked hesitantly up to the boy and ended up close enough for Taeyong to be forced to look up a little to meet Jaehyun's eyes. He was so nervous, for some weird reason, opening his mouth as to say something without any sound coming out.  
  
Breathtaking. That's what he was.   
  
Jaehyun hesitantly lifted one hand to grab hold behind the boy's neck, and then leaned forward to meet the older's plush lips. It was so warm and innocent, a slight press of lips together, sharing each other's air.  
They were connected maybe three or four seconds before Jaehyun pulled apart just half an inch, hearing his own breath hitch. Jaehyun's lips hovered over Taeyong's parted one's, wanting to taste the boy more. But no, not here, not now - so after a few seconds of tension he stepped back and saw how Taeyong exhaled heavily.   
  
"So, shall we?"   
  
Taeyong nodded (his cheeks matching the color of his hair) and they walked together up to the restaurant.  
  
Taeyong was easily impressed, at least from Jaehyun's posh perspective. The food was good for sure, but the older boy acted like he'd never eaten on a fine dining place before.   
He chewed kind of noisily which Jaehyun however found weirdly adorable. He was very clean though, making the younger feel a bit awkward when he dropped a piece of food on the table.   
  
"Is your roommate taking care of your dog right now?" Jaehyun asked.   
  
Taeyong nodded and stuffed his face with fish.   
  
"is is a friend of yours?"   
  
The older shrugged. Jaehyun took it as a sign to shut up. He just wished to know more of the boy, but apparently he was more interested in the food than in a conversation. He settled on watching the boy without staring too much. Unfortunately his gaze burned and the boy looked eventually up. He placed his utensils neatly next to the plate and crossed his hands on the table.   
  
"You're looking again"   
  
Jaehyun chuckled. "Sorry. I just want to know more about you"   
  
Taeyong tilted his head to the right like a puppy.   
  
"what do you wanna know?"   
  
"just everything"   
  
"then we're gonna be here for a while"   
  
"Why are you single at the age of 26 with that face of yours?"   
  
The older was slightly taken aback by the question and his expression changed.   
  
"Oh, you’re going to start with that? Very well. I didn't come out until quite recently. Had some relationship with one or two girls and it felt wrong. I used to be a difficult person to be around with so my experiences with men are also limited to single nights only without ever seeing them again. I'm still a bit afraid about how I might handle relationships since people don't always seem to understand mental illness, even though I feel completely fine now. I know for sure that you do understand however, it's your job to be empathetic?  
  
_I am not my job,_ Jaehyun wanted to say, but didn't.   
He was just happy to hear Taeyong speak.   
  
"Oh, okay. Like, out of professional interest, what were you dealing with back then? Anorexia? Bulimia? Both are usually heavily connected to depression"   
_  
I am starting to sound like a doctor again. I am not my job!_    
  
"Uh, anorexia, yes, with the usual paranoia and delusional thinking that comes with it. I was just kinda disconnected from reality for a while, depersonalization if you like, so my psychiatrist put me on drugs. It helped though"  
  
"Okay, thank you for telling me" Jaehyun said somberly. It was good to know, truly, since some tendencies could be reoccurring. In a perfect world where Jaehyun and Taeyong would get together, Jaehyun could work around some issues knowing the other person's weaknesses. Luckily the boy seemed very stable right now from what Jaehyun had seen.   
  
Taeyong's mouth twitched. "How about you then? You seem perfect enough to be a reallife Ken doll, what's your flaw?"   
  
"Uhm. I work too much"   
  
"That's the opposite of a flaw"   
  
"I'm boring, then. I like playing basketball and watching movies. I work out. Very predictable "  
  
"Please, don't be. I don't do boring" Taeyong said and rolled his eyes.   
  
The comment hurt more than Jaehyun expected. But his life was way too ideal and predictable to be interesting - the only interesting thing about him was his profession and the drama he had with his stupid ex. Taeyong quickly noticed Jaehyun's mood drop and stretched out his hand to touch Jaehyun's forearm.   
  
His expression softened a little. "But I don't think you're boring"  
  
Jaehyun met the older boy's sparkling eyes. He looked sincere. Jaehyun gathered some courage and changed his arm's position so that he could put his bigger hand on top of Taeyong's smaller one. A blush crept up on his cheeks and he was forced to lower his gaze. After the moment was over he removed his hand from the pink haired boy's who retracted his own hand on cue.  
  
The desserts came and Jaehyun learned that Taeyong loves sweets more than anything. He could imagine the boy living on sweets only and still not gaining weight due to lack of real nutrients. They talked about this and that and in the back of Jaehyun's mind he tried to think of possible endings to this date. He hadn't even told him about the Ho-Sub problem yet. But he didn't want to ruin the mood - Taeyong was smiling with rosy cheeks, talking about his and his friends wild parties as freshmen many years ago. Obviously Jaehyun hadn't been going to the same school as Taeyong; his parents had put him into private school already from the beginning, a year earlier than parents normally would. In university, he simply didn't have time to party - and furthermore, it was looked down on by fellow prestigious medical students who'd rather spend all their freetime cramming the literature. So he finished his medical degree spectacularly fast with impeccable results.   
  
"I wanted to make my parents proud since they've invested so much into my education. And I'm the only child too, so. That's why I finished fast and skipped basically everything else that come with being young and crazy. I mean the crazies thing t I've done is basically date strangers on Tinder but, yeah, that ain’t crazy" Jaehyun replied when Taeyong asked how he could have graduated this young.   
  
"You said your ex is supposed to be the head of your parents company. Did your parents know that you were together?"   
  
"Well of course. They accepted me coming out quite quickly and have fully supported me. Their business is their baby anyway. I'm  just really lucky"   
  
Taeyong nodded and took a sip of his wine. There was a hint of jealousy in his dark eyes and it made Jaehyun sad. The older hadn't surely had the same luck as Jaehyun. He put down his wine and looked out the window at the river that was beautifully lit up along its course. A couple could be seen walking hand in hand along it.   
  
"This is a beautiful restaurant" Taeyong said with a dreamy voice.   
  
Jaehyun didn't even pretend to look at the river  when staring intensely at the boy's ridiculously sharp jawline and straight nose (with just a hint of convexity on its bridge)  
   
"It is" he replied.   
  
Taeyong watched the people walk past for a minute.  Then he turned back to look at Jaehyun.   
  
"Yeah, you're really lucky. My parents were disappointed with me since I got sick and screwed up my studies. Two years ago, I came out to them. I had prepared and worried about how to say it for a week, and when I finally found the courage to tell them at a family dinner in my childhood home, they freaked out completely and made me leave the house. My mom didn't answer my calls for a month. My dad refuses any contact with me until this day. I haven't been to that house since that day two years ago. They hate me, as far as I know. I'm glad I still have my sister at least"  
  
Jaehyun swallowed hard. He didn’t expect it to be that bad.  
  
"That's rough. I'm sorry" he stuttered.   
  
Taeyong's pretty face seemed troubled, and suddenly he looked like the 26 year old man he indeed was behind all his youthful style and manner. He shrugged his shoulders and clenched his jaw in an almost invisible way. Something about him though was completely wired up into a hard knot – Jaehyun could almost see his knuckles whiten. Unlike Jaehyun, he had had to fight for his acceptance. And even though he fought he didn’t get it from the people who were supposed to love him the most. That must be horrible for anyone. He was surprised the boy hadn’t gone back to his bad (well, non-existent) eating habits after an experience like that. Jaehyun wondered if he had even felt any love after that day two years ago if he didn’t have had any real relationships either.  
  
"Well, I don't need them. I'm doing perfectly fine on my own. I have friends, I have Ruby. My sister doesn’t live here but she answers my calls when she’s needed.  I like my life a thousand times more than the life they would have wished for me" His words sounded confident and his face looked stern, but his eyes told the truth – they were shining like the ocean, probably ready to spill its precious salty waters any second now.  
  
"You're so strong, you know?" Jaehyun said and reached out for the boy's hand again. He let him grab it, so Jaehyun gave it an assuring squeeze. More than before, he wished he could take care of Taeyong for the rest of his life. He could be all the family he ever needed.  
  
"You're brave, you're extraordinary" Jaehyun continued, watching the boy crinkling up the napkin restlessly with his free hand. The boy might not admit it, but Jaehyun knew that he needed praises like water, and Jaehyun could praise him all day.   
  
"You're talented, you're colorful, you're ambitious" he felt the boy's hand tighten under his own, and Taeyong apparently struggled to keep eye contact (for once that way) by how his eyes flickered.   
  
Jaehyun wanted more contact but was unfortunately hindered by the inconvenient table between them. He didn’t want to embarrass the older either by getting up and hugging him. So instead, he pressed his foot close the boy's leg under the table.   
  
"You're sensible, you're kind"   
  
Taeyong sniffed.   
  
"You are extremely handsome"   
  
Jaehyun saw his eyes watering up for real now, and Taeyong rubbed his left eye as to hide a tear forming. Jaehyun didn't want to make him cry though. He didn't want to make him appear weaker than Jaehyun here, because that wasn't the case at all.   
  
"And you're freaking cute" Jaehyun said in a chirpy tone and smiled widely. The boy cracked up in a smile and half laughed, half sobbed. He wiped his eye quickly before running his hand through his hair a few times, maybe to relax himself, or to transfer himself from old memories back to reality. Indeed, his shoulders fell down lower than before when he lowered his arm again. Jaehyun let go of his hand as to give him more space to breathe in and out a few times. Soon he returned to normal, like the stream of emotions that had ran through him left without any traces at all. He was, in that case, untouchable.  
  
"Yeah, I don't need them. Thank you. I guess I needed that" he said a little bit more confidently and leaned back against his chair. Jaehyun mused to himself over being able to lure out the boy's confidence again, and finished his glass of wine. The tip of his shoe was still touching Taeyong's leg, wanting to stroke it but definitely not doing so since the other man probably didn't appreciate his pants getting dusty.   
Taeyong raised his glass to his lips again and stared at Jaehyun under the part of his fringe that didn't want to stay pushed back on top of his head. Jaehyun looked back at him, trying his best to survive the heavy eyeplay the other was inviting him to. The mood had changed completely within just a few seconds. Was he really that ashamed of showing his vulnerable side to Jaehyun?  
  
"I always thought I'd be better off alone" Taeyong continued, watching Jaehyun intensely, "but I'm not so sure about it anymore". A tiny smile crept up on the curve of his mouth.  
  
Those words weighed a lot and Jaehyun knew they'd leave a mark somewhere in the chambers of his heart. He was certain he had made an impression on the boy - something deeper than professional authority, his parents money, his dimples and milky skin.   
  
"There's nothing wrong with that. We're social creatures. We need other people"   
  
"That why you became a doctor?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"So that you can be with people all day"   
  
"Oh. Well, to some extent yes"   
  
Taeyong grinned stupidly for himself (Jaehyun's reply wasn't even witty - did he miss something?) and finished his glass too, still staring at Jaehyun. He put the glass down with a clang hard enough to make Jaehyun flinch a little.   
  
"Okay, Doctor Jung, we're done dining at this fantastic but kind of romantic cliché of a restaurant, where will we go now?"   
  
The boy smiled and bit his lower lip in a way that made Jaehyun's insides cramp. He had to turn his gaze away - he kept losing this game again and again. Jaehyun thought he had had some control over Taeyong for a moment, but in the end he was always the one to be tightly wrapped around the pink haired boy’s pinky. Jaehyun’s eyes found their way to the pale skin of Taeyong's neck and how it disappeared under the light lilac shirt he was wearing. The top two buttons where unbuttoned, that of course having been noticed by Jaehyun the moment he had taken his coat off. When had he become this weak?  
  
"Uhm, I've had wine so I can't drive you home, I could order a cab for you or, uhm, we could go to my place and have some more drinks-"   
  
Taeyong lifted one eyebrow. "Marvelous, let's go to your place. Please excuse me, I'll visit the bathroom"   
  
Jaehyun's left hot faced when the older walked away to the bathrooms with a horribly smug face. So they will be going to his apartment after all. Taeyong, and all that comes with his name, will be in his home at a Friday night. The clock is already over 10 p.m., and considering how Taeyong's hands had been searching under Jaehyun's shirt while they made out in his office the other day the boy probably meant business now as well. The young doctor swallowed. Oh, damn. DAMN.  
  
Jaehyun paid the bill for both of them and called a cab. While on the phone, Taeyong emerged and put his coat on in one smooth motion. He waited calmly for Jaehyun to finish the call.   
  
"It's gonna be here in a few minutes. Let's wait outside" Jaehyun said and made a gesture for the boy to go out first. The older skipped eagerly down the stairs, humming some melody Jaehyun couldn’t recognize. It was a pretty night - a little breezy, but the air was still and fresh. Jaehyun glanced at his car (he'd have to get it tomorrow) and followed the older down to the driving lane. Jaehyun stopped next to him with his hands in his pockets, looking out after the cab. Taeyong, however, would have none of it, and stepped up to Jaehyun and grabbed his coat's collar hard to pull in the elder down into a kiss. Jaehyun made a muffled sound out of surprise.   
  
Taeyong kissed him eagerly, damnpening Jaehyun's closed lips with wet, full ones. Jaehyun was so surprised he didn't know what to do with his hands, so he just kept them inside his pockets and glanced back and forth best he could to make sure the cab wasn't coming. In the corner of his eye he saw another couple waiting for a cab glaring in their direction.  A curious sense of pride filled him _\- bet you both are jealous over what fine man I get to kiss._ With a newfound boldness he grabbed Taeyong's waist and pulled him closer, until he felt the other’s hips meet his.The older sighed happily and tilted his head.  
  
They were interrupted by the headlights of a car pulling up in front of them. Taeyong pulled immediately apart and looked up at Jaehyun with his huge doll eyes.  
  
"Take me home" he whispered dreamily, and Jaehyun couldn't help but press a small kiss on his temple.  Then he grabbed the older’s hand and pulled him towards the cab. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already written most of the next chapter!!1 Will Jaehyunnie forget about Ho-Subs threat while having Taeyong over for the night?  
> Thank you all for reading <3 #WE_ARE_SUPERHUMAN


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay smut

  
  
Taeyong was a giggling mess when he got comfortable next to Jaehyun on the backseat. The younger hit him lightly over his knee to shush him, and ended up with squeezing the man's thigh just above his knee.   
  
He accidentally caught the judging eyes of the cab driver in the mirror.   
  
"Could you please tone it down, gentlemen" The driver hissed demeaningly.   
  
Jaehyun was used to being treated more or less unrespectfully in situation's where he couldn't hide his said sexual preference, but for Taeyong, who apparently hadn't had real boyfriends, the situation seemed quite unsettling. The boy seemed to shrink down into the seat, making him look kinda miserable. Jaehyun leaned forward so that the driver could hear him properly.  
"I pay you for driving us home, sir. Please drive us"   
He then turned back to Taeyong and patted his upperarm.  
  
"Do NOT care" he whispered, to what Taeyong pulled his hand down from his arm. Instead of just removing it like Jaehyun suspected he would, he confidently grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together into a tight hold. They didn't let go until the cab pulled up outside Jaehyun's places front door.  
  
Jaehyun's face begun to heat up knowing he would soon have the pink haired boy in his home. He hoped it was clean enough - after all, he hadn't been expecting Taeyong to _actually_ follow him home after their dinner. He scanned the older man thoroughly once in the elevator. Taeyong looked amazing in his neat clothing. His shoes looked surprisingly expensive - probably Italian. His shoulders were broad compared to his otherwise slim figure; He was in fact probably broader than Jaehyun, to the younger's disappointment considering he worked out.   
  
Jaehyun stepped up to Taeyong's side and grabbed his waist after having pressed the button to his floor. The older man's eyes widened and he winced slightly when Jaehyun's hands found their way under his coat and up his shirt. Maybe because of the wine, maybe because of how intoxicating the older's presence were, but Jaehyun felt quite bold. He leaned into the crook of the older's neck and started kissing the sheer skin there. The boy's scent...  Fuck, Jaehyun could live off that only for a year. He sucked gently on the skin and nibbled with his teeth, making the older inhale noisily.  The pink hair tickled his forehead but it didn't matter. The moment he pulled him closer from his waist the elevator stopped, Taeyong tensed up and the moment was over. When seeing that no-one was standing in the doorway he relaxed his shoulders and turned his head back to Jaehyun, who was staring at his inviting lips wondering if he could just have them right here.   
  
"Follow me" he said instead, and released the pink haired boy.  
  
  
  
“Oh my god, so this is where you live?” Taeyong exclaimed while scanning the living room with huge eyes. He took off his coat and hanged it neatly in the closet, gazing over the row of shoes and blazers hidden in there.  
  
Jaehyun locked the door behind them and proceeded to turn on the lights. The older took off his shoes and ran towards the balcony.  
  
“Wooooooooow!” He said while opening the door to the small balcony. It had a small table and two comfy chairs, just perfect for having breakfast in the sun.  
  
Jaehyun followed him out, freezing a little since it was kind of windy on the upper levels of the building. Taeyong was leaning against the railing, looking down at the street with its cars and people.  
  
“Oh my god you must be so rich? This is fabulous!” Taeyong said and glanced quickly in Jaehyun’s direction.  
  
“Uhm, my parents…” He mumbled awkwardly, and dragged the boy back inside by his arm. He didn’t want the boy to get sick.  
  
Taeyong yanked himself out of Jaehyun’s grip and ran to the chromatic kitchen to check out the machinery. His curiosity was quite endearing, however Jaehyun couldn’t understand how interesting an apartment could really be. He would prefer to sit down in the sofa with a glass of wine and continue talking about life and all that cheese.  
  
“Your parents must really love you, aye? By the way, do you cook a lot? This kitchen seems so practical and modern, I could imagine a thousand things to do here”  
  
Jaehyun scratched his neck awkwardly. “Uhm, I don’t cook that much, I mostly eat out…”  
  
The pink haired boy was checking out the functions of the oven.  
  
“Really? Too bad. I love to cook, I used to cook with my mother when I was still living at home”  
  
Jaehyun could imagine the boy standing next to his mother, chopping vegetables and marinating meat. It was very common for people suffering from eating disorders to be very fixated by food and cooking. Many got their foodfix by saving pretty recipes on pinterest, cooking them for others and not tasting any of it themselves – they trusted the praise more than their own tongue. He was glad that he boy had interest in cooking though. Jaehyun wasn’t too bad of a cook himself, but his long days usually meant that he didn’t have time to cook a proper meal from scratch when coming home.  
  
 He went to the bathroom to freshen up a little (just… just in case), hoping the older man would be done with his exploration once he was ready. When he came out, the guy was nowhere to be seen, but his voice sounded from the bedroom so he assumed Taeyong was there. The thought of having Taeyong in his bedroom was a little bit too much at the moment so he decided to sit down in his living room sofa to wait for the older to come to him.  
  
Indeed, the pink haired boy emerged from the bedroom with his hands in his pockets, having a smug look on his face. He stopped by the window, quickly checked the view before turning to face Jaehyun.  
   
“Okay, you have a nice apartment and a nice car. You look good and earn well. I give you that. There gotta be a catch somewhere”  
  
Jaehyun shrugged, not really knowing what to say. He had been extremely lucky when it came to his parent’s generousness. “I can’t cook?”  
  
Taeyong walked slowly towards him, hands still in his pockets. He stopped in front of the sofa where Jaehyun sat widelegged watching the man’s every move, trying to contemplate what was coming up next.  
  
“Too bad” The pink haired boy said and bit his lower lip, still smiling with half-lidden eyes. He took out his hands from his pockets and promptly proceeded to unbutton his shirt from top to bottom, just like that. Jaehyun couldn’t quite hide the gasp he let out when he realized what the pink haired boy was doing, and he felt his hands clenching at the soft fabric of the sofa. Taeyong was looking Jaehyun straight in the eye, and Jaehyun did his best to keep the eye-contact even though the temptation to watch his hands unbutton his shirt was enormous. At some point the older was done, and he let the lilac shirt hang loosely on his broad shoulders. The white skin of his belly was a horrible distraction, but Jaehyun was determined to keep his eyes fixed on the older boy’s face.  
  
“Ain’t this the third time I’m undressing for you, Doctor? I think it would only be fair if I saw you do the same”  
  
Jaehyun was already breathing heavily, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa. He allowed himself to take a look at the man in front of him. Damn, couldn’t he have taken off his pants too right away? Would it be stupid to plead him to do it?  
  
“Jaehyun?” The boy said lewdly.  
  
”You do it” He replied with a thick voice.  
  
The pink haired boy pouted, but walked up closer to him, until his legs were between Jaehyun’s knees. He kneeled down, dangerously close to the one area of Jaehyun’s body that craved the boy the most. Taeyong proceeded to unbutton Jaehyun’s shirt painfully slowly. He was biting his lip again seductively, looking ridiculously concentrated on the easy task in front of him.  
  
“Wow…” he breathed when he had worked up half of the buttons. Jaehyun noticed how Taeyong’s fingers were trembling as he probably unintentionally began to unbutton the shirt more quickly. Jaehyun held his breath, flexing his abdominals best he could from his relaxed position on the sofa – he haven’t been working out in vain, right? Taeyong was getting nearer the end, tugging at the shirt so that it would come up from his pants where Jaehyun had tucked it later. The pink haired boy’s breath was labored and he ripped the rest of the buttons open quite carelessly. When he was done, he quickly pushed the shirt to the sides and traced the ridges of Jaehyun’s hard stomach with two fingers.  
   
“Fuck, you’re ripped, damn” he said desperately, eyes flickering between his abs, his chest and the trail of hair that lead down from his navel. “Oh god yeah” he continued, putting another hand on his stomach. Jaehyun was positively surprised by the boy’s reaction, seeing how hungrily he took in the sight in front of him. Taeyong kneeled down closer to him still, brushing past his crotch deliciously, and planted his lips on Jaehyun’s abdomen just next to his navel. “Goddamn I’m so lucky” he mumbled against his skin, placing one hand low of his stomach feeling down the slight string of hair. He kissed his stomach more vigorously, biting down hard enough for it to certainly leave marks for a few days. A moan escaped Jaehyun’s lips even though he had tried to keep it in as much as possible. He had kind of thought that he would be the one to take things into control considering they’re in _his_ apartment and all that, but in truth he didn’t mind this one bit either. Jaehyun didn’t know what to do with his own hands at the moment so he just settled on holding on to the sofa like it was going to lift off the floor or something. He just didn’t want to seem too eager, either. That last sentence didn’t apply for Taeyong however, who was clasping at Jaehyun skin with one hand, the other fiddling suggestively with the hem of Jaehyun’s pants. He went down to kiss him lower on his stomach, and when he was just above the hem of his pants he looked up at Jaehyun with pleading eyes. His thumb and index finger were already working on opening up his belt buckle.  
  
“Hey” Jaehyun interrupted him. His voice cracked way more than he thought it would.“Hey, you, you first”  
  
Taeyong looked up at him with wet, parted lips.  Damn, how could anyone that adorable look so freaking fuckable at the same time?  
  
“Me first what?” He asked.  
  
“You take off your jeans first. And then I want to kiss you, beautiful”  
  
Taeyong smiled cheekily and rose back up to his feet, standing in front of Jaehyun. His eyes were dark and heavy with lust, probably having stripped Jaehyun completely naked in his mind already at the restaurant. He let the shirt fall to the floor, and proceeded to removing his own belt. The younger swallowed - The sound of metal clinking against metal was quite provocative already on its own. Jaehyun watched the dancer’s long slim fingers working the belt up, removing it completely from the loops just to tease Jaehyun. He dropped it dramatically against the hard floor with a clank. Then he bit his lip again and pulled down his zipper slow and steady in one move. Jaehyun wasn’t moving at all.  
  
Soon enough he’d wriggled himself off the tight fitted pants and was standing in front of Jaehyun wearing nothing but black Armani boxer’s and socks. With his hips swaying provocatively he walked back up to Jaehyun, pushed the younger man’s legs together so that he could straddle him and sit down onto his lap. He put his arms around Jaehyun’s neck and stared him straight into his eyes.  
  
“At this point people usually ask “how much for a lapdance?”’ Taeyong whispered.  
  
The weight of the man on top of him felt thrilling, and Jaehyun finally moved his hands to put them onto Taeyong’s hips as to stabilize him.  
  
“First of all, you’re not a goddamned stripper, and second, If you were, you’d give it to me for free anyway” Jaehyun hissed with his tongue between his teeth. Taeyong pouted but leaned in to meet Jaehyun’s lips in a fiery kiss. The younger had waited for this – having the other in his arms again while kissing him passionately, feeling how the pink haired boy reacted to each twirl and turn of his tongue. Jaehyun decided to take control of the kissing now, and was pleased to find Taeyong reciprocate eagerly. When the younger decided to taste him deeper the older moaned with pleasure, tilting his head just the way Jaehyun wanted. Taeyong changed his grip so that one hand was now deeply buried inside Jaehyun’s thick hair, massaging his scalp in sync with their movements. They pulled apart for a second to breathe, but was soon again connected like their life depended on each other’s flow of air. Jaehyun loved the way the pink haired boy’s lips reacted so easily to the smallest of stimuli, and he gently bitted on his lower lip to make it look more plush and red and soft – even more kissable than before. Taeyong moaned again when he sensed the teeth around his lip. The high pitched moan itself sounded delicious in a way Jaehyun knew he needed more of it, so he let go of the boy’s mouth to focus on kissing his throat instead, earning some more of that luscious sound. When he felt the other grind down on his crotch he bit the skin hard enough to draw a drop of blood as to make sure he was real - Jaehyun licked and sucked to make the shallow wound good again, feeling proud of himself for being able to mark the boy as his, his, only his, his for now and tomorrow and forever.  
  
Taeyong apparently felt the hardness pulsating against Jaehyun’s still buckled up pants, so he shifted his position higher up on Jaehyun’s lap so that their hips were perfectly angled against each other. The older chuckled when he heard Jaehyun groan low in his throat by the new found contact. He had to let go of Taeyong’s neck and mumbled some nonsense against his red-bitten skin instead. The older starting rocking gently while his own breathing got heavier, too. He let go of Jaehyun’s hair and slipped two fingers inside the hem of his trousers, wordlessly asking for permission to remove them.  
  
“You want some of this, hmm?” He asked against Jaehyun’s shoulder.  
   
The younger found back to the pink haired boy’s swollen lips and they kissed sloppily for a few minutes. At some point Jaehyun realized he still hadn’t whispered “yes” into Taeyong’s mouth, and the older reluctantly broke the kiss to continue his task. He wiped his mouth from saliva and glided off Jaehyun’s lap to his knees on the floor again.  
  
The younger stroked his cheek and half mistakenly, half deliberately popped a finger into Taeyong’s warm and inviting mouth. The pink haired boy gave it a few eager sucks before focusing on Jaehyun’s belt again. His hands were shaking but he managed to open the buckle.  
   
“You’re not really a virgin, are you?” Jaehyun suddenly asked, sounding pretty winded. He needed to know though, before doing anything he might regret.  
  
Taeyong didn’t raise his eyes to meet Jaehyun’s, but continued to pull down his zipper.  
  
“No, of course not, I can use my mouth pretty well, you know. But I guess I am one in the most traditional interpretation of the word though.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Taeyong laughed. “I’m not one to have sex with strangers from some shady club I don’t trust. I can get my fix myself”  
  
Jaehyun groaned by the response, seeing countless different scenarios in front of his eyes involving the pink hair boy pleasing himself shamelessly with fingers and toys and....   
  
He was pleased by the boy’s answer though. He had been absurdly stressed about the fact that there was a risk that he might have to take the man’s freaking gay virginity. He remembered his own first time with a long lost boyfriend quite horrible, actually - For both of them.  
  
He was luckily interrupted in his thoughts by Taeyong pulling down his jeans quite roughly. Jaehyun winced by both pain and pleasure when there suddenly was more space for his growing bulge. He moved his hand from the boy’s cheek up to his bleached mess of a hair, as to be ready for the sweet things about to happen. The pink haired boy was already palming him, even the slightest pressure feeling like the gate to heaven were about to open up. Taeyong looked sultrily him in the eyes, before lowering his gaze to where his hands were slowly pulling down Jaehyun’s boxers. The older’s breath got hitched in his throat when Jaehyun’s erection finally sprang up beneath its confinement. The older looked at it for a while with awe, before directing his gaze back up to Jaehyun’s face. A wide smile spread onto his face as he indulged in seeing in Jaehyun’s facial expression.  
  
“Nice” he said in a low voice, before grasping the cock by its base and lowering himself to place soft kisses on Jaehyun’s upper thigh. It tickled a little bit, but Jaehyun didn’t care since all he could care about was the hand squeezing him. He kept looking at Taeyong, at his beautiful, sharp features but equally soft expressions. Kissing his thigh like that, he looked like something bewitchingly beautiful but treacherous straight out of a fairy-tale.

Taeyong’s hand went up to touch the sensitive tip of Jaehyun’s cock which was already dripping wet with precum. With that, he lubricated his hand and started to slowly pump the rock hard member. Jaehyun immediately started to moan low in his throat, not caring about restrictions or what not anymore. Taeyong’s left hand clutched at Jaehyun’s lower abdomen while he kissed his way up higher, until thick, curly hair started to tickle his nose. The younger couldn’t wait for the older to take him into his mouth, so his hand in his hair started to eagerly guide him towards the right direction, something that he knew he himself would probably have hated. The boy didn’t seem to mind it though, but he didn’t obey either. After a few more minutes of pumping he finally laid the softest of kisses on the side of Jaehyun’s length, earning a groan of pleasure from Jaehyun. Finally, he thought. The kisses came one after another until they closed in on the sensitive tip area. Taeyong had already his thumb pressed up against the slit, making the feeling almost unbearable, knowing that his mouth was so close too.  
  
“Hyung, do it already” Jaehyun grunted, tightening his grip on the pink haired boy’s tresses. The boy chuckled slightly and raised his gaze towards Jaehyun’s face again.  
  
“You want me that badly, Doc?” He asked, voice dripping with sugary sweetness.  
  
“Yes, yes I do” He answered, and pulled his hair again to guide him right.  
  
Taeyong continued pumping and smiling for a few rounds, before securing his hold around the base. He then kissed the underside of the cock lightly before licking his way all the way up to the top. He laid the leaking tip onto his tongue, before enclosing it with his red lips. Jaehyun threw his head back because the feeling and the sight together was way too much if he didn’t want to explode within 10 seconds. Taeyong licked around the head of the cock for a while, sucking on the tip like it was some kind of an obscene lollipop. When Jaehyun’s breathing had got accustomed to this new stimuli the older decided to take on some more, and started slowly taking the younger deeper and deeper into his mouth. Taeyong’s mouth was very warm and very wet, and he was indeed surprisingly skillful in the way he kept back his teeth from scraping the skin and how he worked his tongue around the cock in his mouth.  He gently bobbed his head on the length, going deeper with each round, tongue lying flat against the underside of Jaehyun’s hot flesh.  Jaehyun had a nice girth so he was careful not to force himself on the boy either, but he couldn’t help when his hips started to rock against the movement Taeyong made with his pretty head. The older however held him down by pressing on his hip, making a statement of who was the one with the reins in his hands.  
  
There was still an inch left when Taeyong stopped, apparently not capable of taking in any more of Jaehyun. The younger didn’t even notice – he was way too drowsy by the amazing feeling of the boy’s _amazing_ mouth around him. His hand was still in the boy’s hair, teasing his scalp and gently pulling everytime he lowered himself onto the length. <

Taeyong didn’t want to give up this easily though. With a grunt he tried to relax his throat before forcing himself to take in at least half an inch more of Jaehyun’s thickness.  
  
“Oh my-. .. Taeyong,  you- you feel so good” Jaehyun cried out, the feeling of being enclosed by warmth more than intoxicating.  
  
Unfortunately, Taeyong gagged and had to back off a little with tears forming in his eyes. He breathed through his nose for a while before continuing with the safe bobbing motion he did before. His right hand found its way to the base again and synced its movements with his head. He was speeding up, feeling how Jaehyun’s abdomninals were tightening under his left hand. Jaehyun was breathing hard again, slipping out an occasional grunt here and there.  
  
Jaehyun knew he was about to come and didn’t know if the boy preferred to swallow or not.  
  
“Hyung, I … I’m gonna come real-really soon” He said shakily, making Taeyong look up at him from down below. His is forehead was partially wet with sweat, making a few strands of pink hair stick to his skin, but otherwise he looked like heaven’s sent from this perfect angle.  
  
To Jaehyun’s enormous disappointed the older suddenly stopped and his cock was once again left out in chill air. Taeyong straightened his back.  
  
“Not just yet, Your Highness. Lay down on your back” He commanded.  
  
Jaehyun did what was said, suddenly being aware that they were still on the sofa in his living room, windows uncovered and all.  
  
“Shouldn’t we maybe go to th-.:” He started, but was shushed by Taeyong who bent down to give him a hungry kiss. When they parted, Taeyong straightened his back and pulled off his boxers, revealing the tattoo Jaehyun had been wondering about for a while now.  
  
On his right hip, there was a familiar chemical structure inked with black. The molecule wasn’t the easiest one therefore the tattoo was about 10 cm long, looking a tad bit too bit on those skinny, bony hips.  
  
“Sucrose” Jaehyun said, secretly eyeing down the boy’s semi-hard cock.  
  
“What?” Taeyong answered when he jumped to lie on top of Jaehyun.  
  
Jaehyun grabbed his waist to position the older boy better, and met his lips in a quick kiss.  
  
“Your tattoo. It’s sucrose, right?”  
  
Taeyong pulled his hand down between them and stroked himself a few times before pushing his erection close to Jaehyun’s, enabling them to be stroked at the same time.  
  
“Mhm, sugar yes.  Am I not sweet?” The pink haired boy mused.  
  
“Like cotton candy” Jaehyun breathed against his mouth, before sealing their lips once again. He liked this even better, having the lighter boy completely on top of him, weighing down his hips and his chest against the underlying sofa. He could easily lift the boy off him though if he wanted to, which kind of made him feel even more possessive of the person so close to him. Jaehyun had already forgotten about the fact that he been so very close to his orgasm. He was just enjoying the moment – Friday night, having had dinner with a beautiful man smelling good and dressing well, having said man in his apartment, naked, on top of him …  He pushed Taeyong’s hand aside and took the older man’s cock into his hands, and started stroking him hard and thoroughly. Taeyong moaned lusciously, a raspy, high pitched sound that went all the way to Jaehyun’s spine. He lifted himself up to his elbows, enabling Jaehyun to watch his face up close while he moaned and furrowed his eyebrows in pleasure.  
  
Jaehyun loved watching people’s faces up close.  
Seeing their imperfections. The stray hairs under the eyebrows that should have been plucked. Black heads. Occassional pimples, like the one’s Taeyong had on his cheek. Scars after acne, and then the scar under Taeyong’s right eye. It was a good sized scar, but interestingly placed, giving him more of that quirky character he already possessed. And then his moles. Those dramatic, beautiful moles around his lips. The faintest lines under a person’s eyes showing their real age. He could almost see the split ends in his bleached hair.  
  
But all those things made him so perfect. Jaehyun wasn’t overestimating when he thought that God had really put all his best efforts into making this man.  
  
Without really thinking, he had once again put his indexfinger inside the boy’s mouth, wanting to see up close his face when he sucked.  
   
“Harder” he whispered, making Taeyong suck the finger more vigorously, faking it like it was the greatest thing he’d ever tasted. The small noises that he produced went directly to feed Jaehyun’s horniness. He could count Taeyong’s eyelashes when said man closed his eyes to concentrate on the task. God, the warmth…  
  
Jaehyun reached up to kiss the corner of the boy’s mouth, then lowered himself again and planted his left arm carefully between their bodies too. He grabbed the boy’s small behind, groped it quite hard until the boy made a sound, then moved on to find his opening. He found it, and it felt warm too. Everything about the boy was warm at the moment.  
  
“Oh…” Taeyong said quite approvingly when he realized what Jaehyun was doing. Jaehyun kept pumping the boy with his right hand whilst he pressed his left finger against the tight opening. When it didn’t go in, he pressed harder, and eventually he felt the pucker relax and he could insert the tip of his finger. Taeyong swallowed a groan, and lowered himself down to kiss Jaehyun’s shoulder. He seemed fine enough, so Jaehyun pushed his finger further on until he couldn’t reach anymore. With Taeyong’s own spit as lubricant he begun to move his finger rhythmically in and outwards together with his stroking. Gosh, he felt really really tight even for one finger – he said he had done this on himself right? Didn’t he?  
  
After a while he sped up, noticing how Taeyong’s moaning resonated according to Jaehyun’s pace. When the opening started to feel a bit more relaxed, Jaehyun withdraw his finger completely, only to insert it together with a second one. It went in pretty easily, but Taeyong gasped way louder than before. He grabbed Jaehyun’s cock in reciprocation and stroked it erratically.  
  
“You like it Hyung?” Jaehyun said against Taeyong’s neck. Taeyong just continued being a moaning mess, not really getting anything said.  
  
“You like it, baby, don’t you?”  
  
“Mhm” Taeyong answered and lifted his neck to kiss Jaehyun’s cheek.  
  
Jaehyun increased the pace round after round, trying to almost withdraw his fingers completely before hammering them inside again. He wanted the boy to lose the game (to come, that is) before he did, so he increased his pace and fingered him relentlessly.  The slick sound blended in with Taeyong’s moaning, echoing in the living room. Jaehyun focused on massaging the tip of his cock kind of gently to make a contrast to the forceful fingering. He thought about inserting a third finger when Taeyong suddenly got tense. Jaehyun’s hand was already soaked by his precum, so he suspected the time was near. And indeed, he didn’t even have time to fire a warning.  
  
“I’m gonn-“… Taeyong blurted out before releasing his load into Jaehyun’s hand between their bellies.  
  
“Jesus, Jaehyun” He cried, still managing to stroke Jaehyun surprisingly well. He pressed his thumb against Jaehyun’s slit again and stared into Jaehyun’s eyes with complete and uttermost euphoria written over his pretty face. It was enough to tip Jaehyun over the edge, and he came too with a loud groan.  
  
Everything blackened for a while. The orgasm was way better than anything he’d had with his ex for the last couple of months now. Jaehyun closed his eyes and let himself drift away for a few seconds, leaving everything, including the man on top of him, down on the cold hard earth while he himself soared away to better atmospheres. The heaviness of Taeyong being completely relaxed and collapsed on him brought him slowly back to reality again. The air felt so incredibly hot, their skin were burning, Jaehyun’s fingers and toes were burning. He suddenly felt every cell of his body oscillate, generating enough heat to boil his blood.  
  
“Oh god” He mumbled against a crown of messy pink hair.  
  
Taeyong breathed deeply on top of the younger for half a minute, before slowly gathering himself enough to prop himself up to his elbows.  
  
“’Oh god’ in a good way or a bad way?” He asked the caramel haired man under him.  
  
Jaehyun exhaled heavily and laughed low in his throat. His arm felt heavy when he lifted it up to his forehead to brush his own hair.  
  
“Good” he breathed, still having his eyes closed.  
  
The pink haired boy giggled, and leaned down to kiss Jaehyun over his chest. The small kisses felt strangely enough like a cool breeze on his otherwise burning skin.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me…” Taeyong said between his kisses, “That you’re this fucking hot”  
  
Jaehyun laughed again and moved his hand from his hair to Taeyong’s, massaging him slightly on his upper neck. Yes, this felt so right. He didn’t care about the fact that he met him at his appointment, he didn’t care that they came from completely different backgrounds, he didn’t care about his crazy ex – this was exactly how everything was supposed to be.  Jaehyun was so freaking happy he almost wanted to cry.  
  
Taeyong shifted on top of him, revealing the mess they’d made between their bellies. He expected Taeyong to jump off, but he didn’t – He  raised an eyebrow in Jaehyun’s direction before leaning down, licking his way from Jaehyun’s broad chest down to his abs, making sure he didn’t miss a single groove. He really must have a thing for well-built guys, Jaehyun thought, feeling slightly proud over his body he’d worked so hard for.  
  
Despite that, the pink haired boy moved on just lower and lower, scraping his teeth over sensitive skin above his groin. With a catlike move he licked up some of the cum and raised himself back to Jaehyun’s eye level. Jaehyun stared at the obscene scene in front of him. The older made a show of licking his own lips so a trail of white liquid ran from the corner of his mouth onto his chin. In reaction to Jaehyun’s shocked eyes he traced one finger all the way from Jaehyun’s groin to his chest, scooping up a fair share only to lick his fingers noisily. A drop fell down onto Jaehyun’s face, making the younger flinch the slightest. The older leaned down above the other one’s face.  
  
“You….” He kissed the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth, “…taste..” and proceeded to bite his lower lip “so good”, before kissing him on the mouth, deep and passionately. It was definitely not the first time Jaehyun had tasted the primordial taste of salt and iron, but he was still surprised by how vulgar Taeyong was with his open mouthed, languid kissing.  
  
 After the initial shock had laid down, Jaehyun grabbed Taeyong by the back of his head and pulled him closer down, kissing him harder, until his heavy breathing turned into a wheezing through his nose. He took control of the kiss, exploring Taeyong’s mouth with his tongue, twirling around his white teeth. Taeyong was panting again, having been turned on again after tasting the result of his loving. A strong arm gripped the older boy’s hip, securing him in place on top of the younger. Taeyong sucked on Jaehyun’s tongue in a way that made the younger shiver all over.  
  
When they finally parted to breath, saliva dripped down from Taeyong’s full lips onto Jaehyun’s chin, but it didn’t matter, since Jaehyun wanted all he could have from the older man.  
  
Those great, blood red lips didn’t however come back to meet Jaehyun’s. He opened his eyes disappointingly to see the boy straightening his back. His body was shining, well, almost glistening from sweat.  He was so small, Jaehyun thought. So delicate. Jaehyun could probably put his whole arm around the the older man’s waist without any problems. He wouldn’t break, would he, if Jaehyun showed him his ways around the bedroom?  
  
“Your sofa” Taeyong said with an apologetic smile.  
  
“Wh-what?” Jaehyun grunted and stretched his neck to see what the boy was doing.  
  
“I don’t want to destroy it completely. It’s such a nice sofa” He sad and patted the velvety fabric.  
   
“Oh my god are you thinking of my furniture NOW?” the younger groaned and let his head fall down again.  
The pink haired boy just blatantly jumped off Jaehyun, leaving him lying straight long on the sofa with a budding boner completely neglected.  
  
Taeyong picked up a huge, grey blanket that was placed at the edge of the sofa, and wrapped himself up in it to cover himself.  His shyness amused Jaehyun a little. He looked like a little burrito.  
  
“I need to freshen myself up. You have any towels?”  
  
Jaehyun sighed and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. “There’s new ones in the drawer highest up”. So he just tricked Jaehyun into dirty foreplay only to leave him hanging when things were heating up down there again? Goddamn, what a tease….  
  
Taeyong tripped into the bathroom and locked the door. When the water was running he suddenly started coughing. First one-two times, then three-four, until a whole series of coughs echoed through the silent apartment. Jaehyun had picked up a spare towel from the bedroom to dry himself up with, but the violent coughing made him worry. He wrapped the towel around his hips and walked back towards the living room.  
  
“You okay in there?” He yelled, while cleaning up the sofa after them. It wasn’t too bad a mess, luckily. He would need to use the steamer though to get the velvety texture spotless again.  
  
Taeyong didn’t answer, but continued coughing with the water running.  
  
Jaehyun walked up to the bathroom.  
“Hyung? Everything alright?”  
  
Taeyong stopped the water from flowing. “Mhm” He said through the door.  
  
It didn’t convince Jaehyun one bit. Normally he wouldn’t care for someone’s coughing but knowing Taeyong’s issues with his lungs he just couldn’t stop worrying. The coughing started again, and a hard clank was heard, like the older man had bumped into the water basin.  
   
Jaehyun paced nervously outside the door until he couldn’t take it anymore. He knocked heavily on the door and said “Hey, you sure you are okay? If you don’t answer me I will break down this door myself”.  
  
 He heard a few more coughs and some grunts, the pink haired boy apparently trying to silence them down.  
“Yeah, I’m fine, I just got something stuck in my throat.  Go and wait in the bedroom, I’ll be there in a few minutes” He croaked.  
  
The coughing did indeed stop pretty soon after, and after 30 seconds Jaehyun reluctantly walked back to the bedroom. His ecstatic mood had went flying through the window, and he hoped it wasn’t his fault the other man had got a cough attack. Maybe he got too much out of breath when… when …  Argh, had it really been wise to transfer him to another doctor? What if his senior didn’t think it was anything serious and just told him to go home and take some mucolytic drug?  
   
The young doctor rubbed his eyes and went to his drawer to find a pair of clean underwear. He then removed the covers from the bed and threw himself on top of his thick, down duvet. It had been a long day – first work, then a kind of nerve wrecking dinner and a short trip to heaven and back on top of his continuous worrying. And now he was here, in his bed, waiting. He wondered how it would be to sleep next to a new person so soon after his ex? Would the other fall asleep easily? What if he left early before Jaehyun got to wake up? What if he didn’t feel comfortable next to Jaehyun? He looked around the room. Like the rest of the apartment, it was well styled, but lacking a sense of personality, maybe. He had a single picture of his parents and him as a child on his nightstand, but that was basically it. A few books. Medical magazines. Maybe he should invest in some art? He just didn’t know anything about that scene.  
  
  
  
Jaehyun heard the bathroom door open followed by light, barefoot steps. He propped himself up onto his elbows when Taeyong came walking in, still wrapped up in his blanket.  
  
“You okay?” Jaehyun asked for the fourth time.  
  
Taeyong, looking maybe just a hint paler than before, nodded with a smile.  
  
“Yeah, seriously, I’m great, no need to worry Hyunnie. And I feel a whole lot better now seeing you lying ther-… hey, why did you put those on” The older giggled.  
  
Jaehyun’s cheeks turned red when he understood that he meant the underwear.  
  
“You’re the one covered from head to toe in a blanket” Jaehyun sneered and got up to sit on the edge of the bed.  
  
Taeyong walked up to him and wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s nape. The blanket partially slipped down to reveal his left side.  
  
“Are you tired?” The pink haired boy asked in a small voice, playing with the hairs at the back of Jaehyun’s head.  
  
The young doctor shook his head, before turning his head to plant a few, light kiss on the pink haired boy’s thin wrist. Taeyong chuckled lowly, and stepped closer. The blanket kept irritating Jaehyun, so with one swift movement he pulled it down to the floor, leaving the other man standing naked in front of him. He allowed himself to take a good look on Taeyong now and ended up admiring his mile long legs, slim hips and waist and those boxy shoulders. The dancing had given him a nice figure with smooth, long lines, and his tight musculature were clearly visible under fair skin with almost none subcutaneous fat. He had a scar after an appendectomy on his right side. Jaehyun reached out for it and stroked the scarred skin lightly. For all he know, he could have been a trainee in the surgery when it was done.  
  
Taeyong kept watching Jaehyun watching him, one hand still at his neck, another sliding through his soft hair. It made the younger feel so much more at ease – everything’s fine, you’re just overreacting. Everything is fine and perfect and heavenly and…  
  
He was right there.  
  
“Come here you” Jaehyun exclaimed smilingly, and grabbed hold of the boy’s waist and threw him on the bed with a bounce. Taeyong had his arms lifted above his head against the headboard while Jaehyun climbed on top of him, pressing the boy steadily down with the weight of his legs. He had actually planned to just go to sleep, but his body simply couldn’t say no when he could see, hear, smell and touch the pink haired boy this easily.  
  
Taeyong breathed slowly but deeply, staring daringly into Jaehyun’s warm brown eyes. Apparently the other one had the exact same thing on his mind – sleep could wait, when there was such a prize to be claimed. By instinct, Jaehyun pressed his hips harder against the other one, until he got a faint sound of satisfaction escape Taeyong’s parted lips. Jaehyun couldn’t resist the unspoken invite, so he lowered himself down to meet the other boy’s waiting mouth. They kissed slowly and delicately for maybe ten seconds before a primitive want took over Jaehyun, turning his kissing more febrile and egoistic. He devoured him with his tongue, sucking and biting the other one’s lips until he didn’t know who was who anymore. When Taeyong arched his back, Jaehyun saw the opportunity to put his hands around his waist to lift him up even closer to his chest.  
  
“Hyung I can’t resist you” he excused himself when he broke the kiss to breathe. He was panting heavily, and the boy under him was equally winded, making soft sounds everytime he drew a new breath. He went down to kiss the boy’s neck madly, sucking and pressing and biting, while his nails were digging into the soft flesh of the his back to keep him up.  
  
“Jae-“ the older moaned, and lifted his hips higher up. Jaehyun understood the que and began to grind down in a circular motion.   _He’ll surrender himself, he’ll be mine now,_ Jaehyun thought as his possessiveness got hold of him. He kissed his way down from Taeyong’s neck to his scapula and chest, leaving dark red bruises trailing down from under his sharp jawline. He licked around the areola only to feel Taeyong tense up in his hold, egging him on even further to peck the tip of his nipple in the most teasing of manners. The nipple hardened quickly, and when Taeyong started whining he finally enclosed it completely and sucked eagerly.  
  
“Jaehyunnie that’s so nice” Taeyong breathed, hands still lying above his head. Jaehyun switched between sucking and licking, concentrating on creating perfect circles with his tongue around and above the sensitive area. After a few more minutes Taeyong grunted and tried to get up, apparently wanting to switch positions. Jaehyun stopped, and eased the hold he had on the boy. Flexible as he was, he somehow managed to get away from his place with his back on the bed, grabbing Jaehyun’s shoulder hard and forcing him down against the mattress – he was way stronger than what he seemed, thought Jaehyun knew that already. It all went so fast, and suddenly the younger found himself on his back with the older straddling his hips with his back straight and proud.  
   
“Oh” Jaehyun said, watching the older run both hands through his own hair, showcasing his face beautiful bone structure. His thick eyebrows made up a completely straight line, enhancing the sharpness of his face overall. There weren’t much resembling femininity in his face, yet he radiated of some sort of a sexless, quite unhuman timeless elegance that Jaehyun simply couldn’t place elsewhere than on the cover of a high fashion magazine.  He should try tying the hair up sometimes, Jaehyun thought.  
   
The older pulled down Jaehyun’s underwear (not so dry anymore) and grabbed Jaehyun’s cock quite roughly. Without saying anything, he stroked it diligently until it was filled with blood, stretching the sensitive tissue to its max. It almost hurt, but in a way that egged Jaehyun on even more.  
  
“Would you fuck me now, Jaehyun?” the older asked raspily and biting his lip, his own erection curling up against a pale stomach.  
  
The younger could see stars in his eyes and the tension in his lower regions multiplied immediately, and as much as he would have wanted to grab the boy by his waist and smash him down on him he knew he shouldn’t, considering the man apparently hadn’t done this before - from this position it would be hard to control their movements.  
  
So without a word he promptly sat up, grabbed the surprised man by his wrists and threw him back down onto his back against the mattress. He quickly pressed him down with his thigh, enjoying the perplexed look on Taeyong’s face. His eyes were like saucers – he definitely didn’t expect to be throw back this fast.  
  
“Patience, you don’t know what you’re getting into” Jaehyun whispered against his ear before taking his earlobe between his front teeth. He spitted quickly on his fingers before pushing his arm down between them. The other hand he still had tightly wrapped around Taeyong’s right wrist.  
  
Taeyong lifted his chin up and sneered between his teeth. “Don’t take me for some kid, I’ve used toys, I know what I can take”  
  
Jaehyun positioned himself better, grabbed the other’s inner thigh roughly and smacked it so it made a sound that echoed around the room with its high walls. He gave his cock a few, thorough strokes, before finding the rim, tracing around it a few times before pushing in both fingers at the same time. He was still tight as fuck, but way more relaxed than half an hour ago. Taeyong made a face at the sudden intrusion and gasped for air.  
  
“It’s a completely different thing…” Jaehyun begun to move his fingers without much time for the older man to adjust properly, “when I ram into you”  
  
Soon enough the grimace turned into a face of pleasure. Taeyong bit his lip and whimpered quietly, still however trying to maintain eye contact. When he felt loose enough, Jaehyun wiggled in a third finger, thus taking his time now as not to hurt the pink haired boy.  
“Oh f-“ he mouthed, biting his lip again and squeezing his eyes shut. Jaehyun let him rest for a bit, before picking up the pace again as to fingerfuck him to nirvana. Only his index finger reached far enough, so he would soon have to step up the game if he wanted the boy to really, really get the best of it. When he was confident the older was relaxed enough to take him on, he slowed down his movement.  
  
“You like that?” He said against the boy’s ear.  
  
Taeyong nodded and swallowed down a gulp.  
  
“You want some more?”  
  
The older opened his blackish eyes and turned his face slightly so that he could look Jaehyun in the eyes. It felt like the air between them ran out, and for a moment Jaehyun believed he had read the man completely wrong.  
  
“I already asked you for it earlier” Taeyong hissed and reached out to take Jaehyun’s underlip between his teeth.  
  
The younger kissed him back as quickly as he could, before he raised himself up to reach for the drawer. He noticed how his hands were trembling. It’s a bit strange, he thought.  
He pulled the drawer open and threw the overlying magazines on the floor. He grabbed a condom he found beneath and went back to sit above the man looking at him from below. Taeyong wasn’t a stranger, but Jaehyun didn’t trust anyone unless they were proven clean on blood test and blood test alone. He teared off the wrapping with his teeth and put it on in one smooth movement. The older man watched his every move like a hawk, making Jaehyun feel slightly uneasy.  
  
When he was down, he positioned himself on top of the older again, and lowered himself down to his elbows. He cupped the boy’s cheek and kissed the corner of his mouth for quite some time, before angling himself into the right position. He moved on to kiss him fully on the lips, before breaching the rim with his tip. Taeyong breathed hard but soundlessly against his mouth. Jaehyun grabbed hold of his waist with one arm, and pushed in an inch more before pausing again. The man beneath him shivered, but still didn’t let out a single sound. Jaehyun himself growled somewhere deep in his throat – _Jesus, that’s so fucking tight_ , he thought. He let him adjust for a few seconds before pushing again, feeling the warmth enclosing him even further, sucking him in just the slightest.  This time Taeyong reacted, biting on Jaehyun’s lip and letting out a small whimper. His own lips trembled, and Jaehyun didn’t know from what, so he pulled away and breathed slowly in and out for a few times. Then he pushed again until he was almost completely buried inside the older man’s tightness. Jaehyun moaned out loud, because it really, really _did_ feel amazing – the suction felt so intense he was lowkey afraid he wouldn’t even be able to pull out. He truly wished the pink haired boy was able to adjust to his girth. Taeyong tried his best to do so, closing his eyes and focusing on the passage on air in and out of his lungs.  
  
Jaehyun waited for a few seconds, breathing slowly, watching the boy’s face. Eventually he stopped furrowing his brows and exhaled from somewhere deep within.  
  
“You okay?” Jaehyun asked.  
  
Taeyong opened his eyes and nodded, before reaching out to meet the younger’s lips again for a quick smooch.  
  
When they pulled apart Jaehyun knew it was time, and with as much care as he had he started to slowly pull out, only to push back again. He HAD to take it easy - the older felt so tight and tense around him that he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to last very long other ways. After two or three painfully slow thrusts he began to pick up his pace. He noticed how the boy squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, making a slight whiny noise behind his teeth. Jaehyun knew he probably was feeling some pain, but from experience, he also knew it would start to ease after a while. And so it was – slowly Taeyong’s distressed face turned into something beautiful, his mouth falling open just the slightest. The first moan that escaped his lips was like fuel for the younger’s engine, and soon he was pounding the man in a sweet, rhythmical motion, thrusting his hips slightly upwards against that special spot that Taeyong might not even know about (well, of course he knew – he’s 26 years old for God’s sake).  
  
A drop of sweat fell down from Jaehyun’s forehead onto Taeyong’s cheek, making the boy open his eyes into a half-lidded, hazy gaze. Jaehyun’s breath hitched by the sight, making him snap his hips back quicker and more firmer than before.  
  
Taeyong finally let himself loose and began to moan loudly at every thrust.  
   
“Jae-..” he breathed, and clasped at the younger man’s biceps. “Holy fuck”  
  
“You like it, don’t you? Hmm?” Jaehyun mumbled while keeping a steady state, watching the man’s hair bounce in rhytm with his pounding. Taeyong whimpered something resembling an affirmation.    
  
A few minutes later Jaehyun felt the familiar tightening down below, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to last long by this rate. They pink haired boy just simply felt way too good. He was too tight, too new, too innocent, too fucking drop dead gorgeous-  
  
He didn’t want it to end before the other had reached his climax. So he slowed down his pace, and pulled out completely, before ramming in one more time hard enough to make the man cry out loud, burying his face in his own hands.  
  
“God…” He growled, before pulling out again, rolling onto his back and dragging the boy on top of him just the way the other had wanted it originally. He saw how Taeyong’s pretty white thighs were shaking like leaves, and he had to hold onto Jaehyun’s shoulders so that he could straddle himself on top of Jaehyun again. He looked down on the younger man, who already was stroking the older’s red and swollen cock that so far had gone unattended.  
  
“You’re too fucking sexy not to look at properly” Jaehyun blurted out as some kind of an explanation regarding their change of positioning.  He kept stroking the boy, giving him time to come back to the game again.  
  
Soon enough Taeyong was strong enough to raise himself onto his knees, and with a shaking arm he position Jaehyun’s thich throbbing cock against his entrance. Jaehyun held onto his hips hard, not letting him fall down for anything.  
  
“Hnnnnghh” Taeyong bit down on his swollen, blood red lip again, before slowly, slowly, lowering himself down onto Jaehyun’s length. The sight was almost too much for Jaehyun to handle, but he was determined not to look away this time.  
  
“You okay?” He managed to say between his breathing.  
  
“Fuck, yes” Taeyong purred low in his throat and bitted his lip.  
  
Jaehyun grabbed his behind gently with his right hand, stroking as to encourage him on. His insides were boiling, and he didn’t know if he could belive any of the sensations his body was feeding his brain. He couldn’t believe his eyes got the luxury of beholding a sight like this – the man was a gift made by the Gods, too divine to have to roam this ugly earth with dirty peasants like Jaehyun. But on the contrary, he was exceptionally seductive, making the combination of celestial beauty and raw sexual magnetism quite sinful. And even though the man lacked in being able to love himself completely, he knew exactly what power he held and how to work his charms to make both woman and man fall. It had taken Jaehyun one look to get captured, and not too many days to helplessly fall in lo-  
  
“Fffuck!” Taeyong cried when he had Jaehyun buried inside him completely. “Fucking hell I can’t-“ he sobbed, when he slowly started to move on top of the younger man. A single tear fell down the corner of his eye.  
  
Jaehyun steadied his hips, letting the man move in his own pace. It didn’t take long for the older to find a nice rhythm, and with a sweet, circling motion he rocked up and down Jaehyun’s shaft.  
  
“Oh shit” Jaehyun growled, and couldn’t help when his hands started putting pressure onto Taeyong’s hips, pulling him down just a little bit harder. He couldn’t help it, but he needed this, he craved to feel this man inside and out – God, he never wanted anything this bad in his life!  
  
Taeyong followed his hands and melted into the touch, letting Jaehyun do whatever he wanted, really. He rode him so well and with such eagerness Jaehyun knew he enjoyed it as much as he did.  He knew how to angle his hips in the right direction, and soon enough he started hitting that special spot high up inside Taeyong that would make him lose it completely. He begun to thrust his hips up madly, not really caring if it was good or not, he just badly needed to get to that top they both longed for. Lust took hold of him, and eventually the older slammed aggressively against the base of his cock at every thrust. He had fallen forward a good while ago, mostly hanging over Jaehyun, keeping himself up somewhat struggling by his elbows.  Jaehyun gripped his jaw and kissed him hard on the mouth, tightening his hip movement just a tiny bit more. When Taeyong was about to come, Jaehyun had already grew deaf to the sounds of sex, cries and moans. He could only feel; and when he felt the pink haired boy clench and cramp around him due to the violent orgasm he was experiencing he finally allowed himself to let let loose too, joining the older in his sensory overload by coming hard while still inside the man.  
  
Jaehyun tighten his hold on the other one’s waist and pulled him closer in that even was possible, panting his name breathlessly, trying to regain knowledge about where and when they had existed in this foul world. They were just two human beings, sharing their bodies and spirits to achieve complete fulfillment; How could anyone in their right mind think their love was worth punishing? How could anyone look at the pink haired boy and think he had been born in vain, just because he didn’t feel for women?  In that moment, Jaehyun hated the world, hated them all for making Taeyong fight for acceptance.

Taeyong rolled off the other with a whimper, and collapsed next to him so that both lay spread out with their backs against the mattress. The older was out of breath, wheezing and puffing loudly. Jaehyun turned his face to check on him, seeing his chest heaving up and down. He was too tired to say anything, but he watched him in silence to make sure his breathing slowed down and the wheezing stopped. He reached out to touch his arm lightly, just to make sure he still was real. His skin felt surprisingly cool.

The older looked like a wreck. His hair was everywhere, his neck was bruised, his closed eyes were teary. _I’ve ruined an angel_ , Jaehyun thought to himself. _But I got to fuck a prince.  
  
_Jaehyun decided to keep an eye on him until he’d fallen asleep with a steady respiratory rate, but his vision started to blur quite soon and he couldn’t stop himself from drifting away to sleep. He slept through the whole night without seeing a single dream.  
  
  
  
  
  
//  
  
  
  


He woke up the next morning around 7 by old habit. Jaehyun felt the sun shining brightly through the persiennes, and the scrunched his face and pulled the duvet over his head so that he could snooze for a little longer. He realized that it was a Saturday today, meaning he didn’t have to drag himself to work. There was something special with this day, but he couldn’t recall what it was straight away. Was his parents coming to visit? Had he promised to go to the theater with Ho-S- …  
  
He opened his eyes.  
  
It was not Ho-Sub breathing quietly next to him.  
  
He pushed the duvet away and forced one of his eyes open despite the blinding light shining right on his face. He saw a naked pale back to his right, chest moving up and down in a calm manner. A pink mop of hair was partly hidden beneath the pillow. _How the hell could he sleep with his head under the pillow?_  
Jaehyun could not remember who of them turned the light off last night. Maybe the other had been up already? He was pleased he hadn’t left, at least. Jaehyun once took home a really hot and funny dude only to find out that he had left him the morning after without saying a word – and as expected, never to be heard of again.  
  
He followed the curve of his back with his eyes, counting the ribs that made pale shadows on his side. He wouldn’t get startled if he touched him, would he? Jaehyun moved a little closer and put a few trembling fingertips on his waist. With a feather light hand he traced his way upwards, making a detour over his shoulder blade to end up at the back of his neck. He could see the small, lucid hairs raise up on the older’s back.  
  
Jaehyun flinched when Taeyong suddenly whined and pulled his legs up higher against his chest.  
  
“...Don’t…” the older man said with a thick, raspy voice.  
  
Jaehyun retracted his hand and tried to lie as still as possible. The other’s breathing got shallower, and eventually he pulled the pillow off his head and stretched his arms far above his head with a yawn.  
  
“Morning” Jaehyun dared to say with a small voice.  
  
Immediately, Taeyong’s big eyes shot open -he turned his head against the voice. For a split second he looked like he didn’t have any slightest idea of where he was.  
  
He looked fabulous. His bedhead was a huge pink mess and he scrunched his face in the most adorable way when the ray of light that woke Jaehyun up earlier hit him in the eye. Gosh, Jaehyun couldn’t hide his effervescent happiness when he smiled the widest smile he could possibly master, knowing his dimples made their grand appearance.    
  
“You look cute” Jaehyun chirped.  
  
Taeyong grimaced and let his head fall back to the pillow, but his hand reached out for Jaehyun and found his wrist to grab. He pulled gently at the younger one’s wrist, until Jaehyun understood to move closer, shielding him from the sunshine with his back.

Jaehyun was propped on his elbows next to him, looking down on the sleepy man with his bitten lips and long eyelashes. Shielded from the light, he opened his eyes slowly to meet Jaehyun’s adoring gaze.  
“Morning, Jaehyunnie…” He mumbled groggily, and lifted a hand to stroke Jaehyun’s caramel brown hair out of his eyes.  Jaehyun thought he would explode from the fluffy feeling filling his chest – just like soft, pink, cotton candy. He leaned down and planted the softest of kisses on Taeyong’s lips, making a nice little sound. He could feel the boy smiling against his lips, and he pulled away.  
  
Jaehyun pecked the tip of his nose quickly. “Did you sleep well?”  
  
Taeyong nodded and continued on stroking Jaehyun’s hair, eyes moving across his face as to rebuild the picture of him in his mind.  
  
“You want some coffee? I will bring it here” Jaehyun asked – mostly for himself though. His caffeine deprived brain couldn’t function properly before getting its early morning fix. Taeyong nodded again before resting his head against the pillow and closing his eyes. Jaehyun chuckled lowly, and left his side to get up from the bed.  
  
He picked up his underwear from the floor and put them on. “Stay in bed” he said and looked at Taeyong over his shoulder; he could just as good be sleeping again.  
  
  
  


When he came back with two cups of steaming hot fresh ground coffee (one with milk and one without – he had forgot to ask how he preferred his coffee), Taeyong was awake, sitting in the bed typing something on his phone. Jaehyun crawled up next to him carefully with the mugs up coffe in each hand, careful not to spill.  
  
“Black or white?”  
  
The older smiled and took the milk one, putting down his phone to take a sip with both hands around the mug. “Thanks”.  
  
The smell of fresh coffee in the morning, that’s luxury, if anything – especially with fine company like this. A slightly stiff tension was heavily present between them, since the set up of lying caually in the same bed with little to none clothing wasn’t something you did with friends or family or random acquintances. It was that small embarrassment of knowing you’ve been very, very intimate with each other without not yet really knowing the other that well. Both were probably too awkward to ask what last night had made them into – were they, like, dating now? Or where they still just trying it out? Was it just casual where the other was too polite to have left before dawn?  To be fair, it was better to not know at the moment. Jaehyun wanted to cherish this moment like it was just right now without the hassle of definitions. But he could totally get used to spend his Saturday mornings like this.  
  
“Jaehyun?”  
  
The younger took another sip of his coffee. “Hmm?”  
  
“Can I ask you something?”  
  
Jaehyun turned to look at Taeyong, who was looking at his reflection in his coffee.  
“Yes, of course? Why?”  
  
“The day I was at your office and that ex of yours came and made a scene, you remember we were texting later that night? You told me he was angry or something and I asked if it had something to do with me?”  
  
Uh-oh. Crap. Jaehyun had almost completely forgotten that he initially had wanted to take the older on dinner to talk with him about that idiot’s threatmaking. But he never got a chance to talk about it yesterday. Jaehyun turned his eyes away from Taeyong, choosing to fix his eyes on the white, sterile wall instead.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Mhm, well you said that you would tell me about it another time. And I gotta be honest with you – It got me quite anxious, actually – I really don’t like when people keep things considering me _from_ me”  
  
Jaehyun got tense by the serious tone in the pink haired boy’s voice.  
  
“But I didn’t want to ask you about it since the things between you and your boyfr-“  
  
“EX boyfriend” Jaehyun corrected him.  
  
“… yes, those things shouldn’t really concern me. But somehow, I have a feeling they do”  
  
Jaehyun had to put his mug down on the nightstand, afraid he would spill the black liquid over his white sheets.  
  
“I mean, I’m lying in the bed you two shared just a few weeks ago. I feel like I have a role in this”  
The sunshine made his usually almost black eyes shine brown, and Jaehyun felt the stare on his cheek. _I owe him_ , he thought, and turned to face him. He laid an arm on Taeyong’s forearm and squeezed lightly.  
  
“You do. I’ll tell you”.  
  
He exhaled slowly before continuing. “He knows about you and me. I promise, he haven’t seen a single text or anything, but he kind of figured it out, without having any real proof. But he threatened me. He told me that if I don’t take him back he’ll spill the rumor that I’m … that I’m… having an affair with a patient at the health care center”  
  
Taeyong pulled his arm away from Jaehyun’s touch and looked appalled.  
  
“He gave me two weeks to decide”  
  
The older exhaled loudly. “Shiiit”  
  
“Yeah I know right, it’s crazy”  
  
They sat quiet for a while. Jaehyun could hear the cogwheels turning in Taeyong’s brain as he probably tried to make sense of Jaehyun’s words.  
  
“You said… you said he doesn’t have proof?” Taeyong finally asked.  
  
“Doesn’t matter. I will lose my job nevertheless if it comes out. Probably risking the rest of my career as well”  
  
The older suddenly turned to Jaehyun and grabbed his arm hard. Jaehyun flinched and turned to face the other, taking Taeyong’s hand in his own instead.  
  
“You can’t risk your career! If I had a promising career like that I would do anything to keep it safe! Don’t let him do it, Jaehyunnie!?”  
  
“But I can’t get back to him, Hyung! I can’t”  
  
Taeyong furrowed his brows sadly and looked down at his hand being held in Jaehyun’s.  
  
“Is… is he that bad?”  
  
“He is THAT bad. I won’t get back to him. Never.”  
  
The older opened his mouth to say something, but faltered. He closed it again and looked ashamed.  
   
“What? Tell me” Jaehyun urged.  
  
His hand twitched annoyingly.  
“I hope you’re not doing anything stupid because of me” He said in a small voice.  
  
Jaehyun scoffed. Wow, he had already done _so many_ ridiculously stupid things because of Taeyong, knowing it might cost him his job. But he still did them – that’s how fucking spellbound he were.  
  
“No, of course not! But I’m not getting back to that idiot again since I finally got rid of him”  
  
“Okay, good” The older said with a small smile, however his sad puppy eyes told the truth – he looked hurt, almost heartbroken. He withdrew his hand from Jaehyun’s grasp and pulled his knees higher up against his torso. Despite having the duvet as a cover Jaehyun could feel him being ashamed and vulnerable in his nakedness, something that Jaehyun didn’t like at all, not one bit. He crawled closer to the pink haired boy and threw his arms around him, pulling him to his chest. Jaehyun kissed his forehead softly before lifting his chin up to rest on Taeyong’s head.  
  
“What are you going to do?” Taeyong mumbled against Jaehyun’s chest.  
  
For some weird reason, Jaheyun couldn’t help but chuckle lowly. It was sadly cute how affected the boy was by all this.  
  
“Please, Hyung, don’t worry. He’s just another idiot. I’ll figure it out.” And that was the truth - He knew he would figure it out somehow. Ho-Sub was just a man, a stupid, vain man – stupid and greedy enough to be manipulated. Taeyong sighed and closed his eyes against Jaehyun’s chest. And then they sat like that for a while. Jaehyun felt oddly calm, and somewhat hopeful.

  
Taeyong moved first, and eventually they untangled from their hold. Taeyong still looked like he’d lost half of his world by the way his head hanged low beneath his sunken shoulders.  
Jaehyun grabbed hold of his upper arms in a try to pick him up.  
  
“Hey, Taeyongie-hyung! Don’t be sad, it’s not because of you, it’s because of my wor-…”  
He stopped mid-sentence since the other boy suddenly lifted his head to stare Jaehyun straight in the eyes.  
  
At that moment, the rays of the sun hit his face, making his hair look sheer and his skin shimmer like a surface of matted glass. The depth of his melancholic eyes had no end. He would probably never stop taking Jaehyun’s breath away - that’s how beautiful he was.  
  
“Forget about what I just said” he said quietly, and traced a finger over his lips. “It’s totally because of you”  
  
“What is?”  
  
“Why I do stupid things”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy pride month everyone! I hope you all saw 127's new hair colors :'D  
> Btw this chapter is called Jae fucks up :))

 

They decided not to see each other before Jaehyun had cleaned up the mess between him and Ho-Sub. Or it was mostly Taeyong’s wish to keep some distance, meaning Jaehyun had to respect it to the fullest. The older had left Jaehyun’s apartment quite early that Saturday, saying he needed to think about things alone for a while before getting ready for dance practice. Jaehyun was a little bit surprised by how burdensome the other had taken the threat Ho-Sub had laid upon Jaehyun and him indirectly. Was he hurt by the fact that Jaehyun hadn’t told him immidiately, or was the whole situation per se too distressing for him, considering they had just met?  
  
“Just, fix it, please. Fix it fast. I don’t like being a piece of that man’s dirty game” Taeyong had said before leaving. So Jaehyun _really_ had to figure this mess out as soon as possible.  
  
And so he did.  
He called his parents on Monday. Instead of pulling the rug under Ho-Sub’s feet like you would have expected Jaehyun to do, the young doctor try to do quite the opposite.  
  
“Ho-Sub’s afraid you will deny him the leadership of the company in case he doesn’t marry into the family. Don’t you think he deserves it because of his skills and knowledge about and within the company? I think it would be highly unfair to deny him the spot just because of me messing our relationship up, since he actually is the best candidate you’ve had so far. Can’t you just promise him the spot? I will never marry anyone in the world of business anyway” Jaehyun explained to his parents on the phone. His mother was quiet for a while (being the one with neverending love for Jaehyun’s ex), but his father agreed with him, thinking that was the most reasonable and fair way to deal with the issue.  
  
“Why wouldn’t you marry someone in business?” His mother asked hesitantly.  
  
“I think I’ve had enough of businessmen and women dealing with you guys”  
   
“Aww.”  
  
But they were totally fine with Jaehyun’s suggestion. Jaehyun hated himself for praising the idiot out loud, but unfortunately, HE WAS the right man to lead his parent’s business if Jaehyun was being completely fair. He knew his shit. Denying the fact would just make it harder for his parents to find another successor.

 

After that, he arranged a meeting at a café with his idiot ex.  
He felt sick in his stomach when he saw the man sitting at the café with a cup of Americano, waiting for the other to arrive. Anyone else would have seen only a handsome, well dressed man enjoying his coffee, but Jaehyun could only see narcissus himself admiring his features through the reflection seen in his coffeecup.

“Surprised to see you decided so soon” Ho-Sub said evily. Jaehyun ignored the comment. He took up a block of paper from his pocket and clicked annoyingly at the end of a pen.  He knew Ho-Sub. He was a crazy douchebag but he was still true to himself – and Jaehyun knew he wasn’t that stupid as to reject Jaehyun’s proposal. If he did, Jaheyun could just as well kill himself.  
  
He wrote something down on the block of paper and signed it, before ripping the top layer off and handing it over to Ho-Sub.  
  
It was a check.  
  
If Ho-Sub loved anything more than power it was probably money.  
  
“Here’s my proposal” Jaehyun said neutrally.  
  
The elder quickly scanned the check through. Jaehyun could see how his greedy fingers played with the corners of the thin sheet of paper.  
  
“50.000 USD for what?”  
  
“For you shutting your mouth and getting out of my life. My parents will give you the job. But if you choose to interfere in my life again I will make sure to screw your career up really, really bad ten or fifteen years from now when you least expect it”  
  
Ho-Sub forced a tight smile.  
  
“Hmm. It aint’t that much money for someone with your background?”  
  
“It’s from my personal savings, you know that”  
  
“You’ll make double in a year”  
  
“Tell me your counter offer then” Jaehyun said coldly.  
  
“100.000 usd”  
  
“I don’t have that kind of money. 60,000 and that’s all you can squeeze out of me”.  
  
“60,000 usd… nah “ Ho-Sub pretended to think and rubbed his chin. “65,000 usd and your car.”  
  
Jaehyun thought about it for a while. Yes, it was a brainless amount of money, mostly from his personal savings throughout the years (as you might he remember he owned his apartment so he didn’t need to pay rent – most of his earnings stayed in his pockets). His parents had invested money in funds in his name but he couldn’t touch them for at least ten years. His car? He could get a new car. An even better car if he saved money diligently for a few years.  
  
Jaehyun picked up his car keys and threw them over the table to Ho-Sub’s side. He signed a new check with the updated sum and ripped it off.  
  
“Deal.”  
  
Ho-Sub nodded slightly and proceeded to put the note into his wallet.  
  
_God, he is greedy,_ Jaehyun thought while walking out of the office. _I’d rather catch the bus for the rest of my life than spend a second in his company ever again._ It felt indeed oddly comforting to walk towards the bus-stop. Jaehyun hadn’t expected it to go that easy – he thought Ho-Sub would feel insulted at first by offering him money for his silence, but apparently the idiot didn’t really care about pride or principle. What matters is that Jaehyun wouldn’t need to think about the bitch anymore.

When it started raining he decided to grab a cab instead – he hadn’t expected that waiting for the bus would be this cold of a task.  

  
He called Taeyong as soon as he got home – he was bubbling with energy, waiting eagerly to hear the older man’s reaction. Maybe he could ask for a new date to officially (well, not really since he had to lay low for a while) make them a dating couple. The paced back and forth in his living room waiting to hear the soft voice answer him, but eventually the call went to the receiver and Jaehyun had to end the call reluctantly. Taeyong was probably busy at work or at dance practice, so he decided to send him a text instead.  
  
19.10  
_Hey <3 I need to talk to you!!  
_  
The reply came much later.  Jaehyun had spent the evening doing some bodyweight exercises, showering, studying, waiting, and waiting….

22.15 Taeyongie (yeah he changed the screen name, cute right)  
_Oh sorry Jae I’m working at the bar tonight, can’t really speak on the phone! Uhm, you at work tomorrow?  
  
_22.17  
_Of course I am :’D_  
  
A slight delay. Yeah, he was busy working, Jaehyun reminded himself.  
  
22.26 Taeyongie  
_I’ll come in for more labtests tomorrow. Maybe I could see you quickly?  
_  
Jaehyun frowned, trying to recall his schedule for the following day. He knew for sure he didn’t have any gaps between patients, except for his lunch break of course… Johnny would come looking for him if he didn’t come, he always used to come knocking on his door saying he shouldn’t sacrifice food for work. But he could be late for lunch or some appointment for 5-10 minutes for sure…  
  
22.27  
_I don’t have any gaps but I’ll make time for you. Tell me when you’re around tomorrow_

  
22.28  
_Ok, sure, probably in the afternoon, I’ll sleep late since I work the night. See you then xxx_

It was ridiculously risky to see him at his work again. And where would they be able to see each other? He couldn’t take him to his room just for a few minutes; his other clients would be annoyed. The bathrooms? God, no. Outside it is.  
  
Jaehyun went to bed, head still spinning from his meeting with Ho-Sub. He’d lost his car. And a shitload of money. He had checked some bus timetables so he could go to work tomorrow like normal mortals, but he would need to get a new car soon. He didn’t have a huge amount of savings left (because he didn’t want to spend the money his parents invested for him), definitely not enough to get an equally flashy car. He didn’t need anything fancy per se, but his pride wouldn’t allow him coming driving with any dumpster on wheels to the health care center. Gosh, he would need to save a few months salary before being able to buy anything decent enough. Lucky he got a good job, at least. He refused to go begging to his parents, so he would just need to tell them that he willingly gave him his car to Ho-Sub for whatever stupid-ass reason possible. If he was really lucky they wouldn’t notice and he wouldn't need to explain why his ex suddenly was driving the car they had gave Jaehyun. And what would Taeyong think of this solution?  
  
It wouldn’t take too long before Jaehyun got the answer to that question.  
Around 1 p.m the next day Taeyong texted Jaehyun that he was in the laboratory waiting for his turn to visit the technician. It would probably not take very long before it was his turn to expose his glorious veins to some complete stranger who probably didn’t know to appreciate the sexiness of a veiny arm.

13.04  
_Okay, after you’re done, go wait outside at the back, there’s this place for loading of truck’s so stay there until I come  
_  
Jaehyun shut off his phone (as to concentrate) and took in the next patient. He forced all notion of the pink haired boy away from his brain so that he could focus completely on his patient. They deserved his full attention and care regardless of anything happening in his personal life – heck, even though his own mother died he would treat every single one of his patients that day to his fullest capability before letting his own emotions wash over him. So he had a decent conversation with his patient (an older lady visiting for high blood pressure), small talked about her grandchildren and renewed some prescriptions before waving her goodbye by the door. He checked his clock. 10 more minutes until his next appointment.

When the older lady was out of sight, Jaehyun hurried (that awkward -not really running but just walking ridiculously fast-) to the hallway where they had their supplies stored. He could pretend he was searching for more syringes, or something. There was a door out next to the storage, so Jaehyun checked that no-one was looking (well except for security cams that their guard 100% was not watching) and slipped through the door outside.  
  
It was windy outside, and the hem of his white coat got caught by the wind. He saw Taeyong standing next to the loading site, scrolling his phone. He was wearing his leather jacket once again and he looked like he freezed a little. Before rushing forward, Jaehyun checked no-one was around.  
   
“Taeyongie-Hyung!” he exclaimed.  
  
The pink haired boy looked up from the phone and smiled shyly when he noticed Jaehyun.  
“Hi Jaehyun”  
  
Jaehyun came up to him and grabbed his upper arms with both hands.  
  
“I hope you didn’t wait too long. Are  you freezing?”  
  
“No I’m not”  
  
They looked at each other for a few seconds, and Jaehyun saw Taeyong’s eyes flicker between his lips and his own eyes. Jaehyun took the freedom to kiss the boy on the mouth without asking permission. Taeyong tensed up, but kissed him back with intention. It was a modest kiss, and Jaehyun pulled back after getting a good inhale of the other man’s scent. He sighed contently. Only four days had passed since the morning they spent together, but Jaehyun already missed him despite of that.   
  
Taeyong got one arm free form Jaehyun’s hold and wrapped it delicately around Jaehyun’s nape instead.  
  
“You had something to tell me?” He asked, and pecked him lightly on the cheek.  
  
“Yeah. I made a deal with Ho-Sub. He won’t bother me… us… anymore”  
  
Taeyong’s eyes widened in surprise.  
  
“Already? Can you trust him? How did you do it?”  
  
Jaehyun felt a little ashamed telling him, so he averted his gaze to their surroundings instead.  
  
“We made a deal. I paid him. I trust him, he doesn’t fuck around money”  
  
“YOU PAID HIM?”  
  
“Mmyes I did, unfortuntately”  
  
Taeyong looked disgusted. “How… how much did that bitch want?”  
  
“I don’t wanna tell you that, but quite a lot. And my car”  
  
“Oh no you will tell me, Jaehyun” Taeyong hissed, nails clawing just slightly into Jaehyun’s neck. He wasn’t being hostile, Jaehyun knew, just agitated.  
  
Jaehyun bit his lip. “65,000 usd”  
  
The pink haired boy shook his head. “How much is that?”  
  
“Just under 80 million won”  
  
All colour faded away from the older man’s face, and he withdraw his hand from Jaehyun’s neck.  
  
“What? That’s… I’m…. Seriously, Jesus Jaehyun, do you know how much money that is to an ordinary guy like me? That’s crazy!!”  
  
Jaehyun looked down at his feet and swallowed. Well, yes, it was quite a lot for a normal person who wasn’t born with a silverspoon in their mouth.  
  
“And your car???”  
  
“Yeah, sorry about that, I know you liked it” Jaehyun said and scratched his neck nervously.  
  
“Jesus…” The older looked seriously confused. Partly angry, but definitely mostly just utterly perplexed.  
  
“And you’re okay with that? You’re okay with losing that much?”  
  
“It was savings, I’ll be fine as long as I keep my job. And keeping my job is basically what I paid for, too”  
  
Taeyong stepped further away from Jaehyun. He put his hands in his pockets and looked nervously around, before letting his head fall between his shoulders in a frustrated sigh.  
  
“I just can’t believe you paid him off. I don’t know, I know it’s not my business, but I still feel both guilty and angry because of that. I thought you could have talked it through and came to terms like adults”  
  
_Not all adults are wise, Taeyong._ Ho-Sub wasn’t one, and Jaehyun wasn’t so sure about himself anymore either.  
  
“Are you angry with me?” Jaehyun asked quietly. “He won’t bother us, you know, if you still wanna see me. It would be just you and me”  
  
Taeyong looked at his shoes and kicked the ground with his rugged converse.  
  
“Mhm I’m a little angry at this whole situation” He admitted.  
  
Jaehyun checked his watch.  A few more minutes. He could spare that. When was a doctor on time anyway?  
  
He looked guiltily at the older in front of him. His face was strained and his usually full lips were drawn into a tight line. He looked kind of intimidating, actually – like his gaze could freeze you on the spot if he wanted to. He probably thought Jaehyun was irresponsible. Well, he already was that, considering how he was here talking with a former patient instead of being in his office interviewing actual paying customers. As he had read Jaehyun’s thoughts, Taeyong continued.  
  
“Or disappointed, maybe? I don’t know. I just think this whole thing seems quite irresponsible? First of all, getting involved with me in the middle of a break-up with your ex, and then these… childish threats, I mean, I understand your ex is an idiot but did you really need to play his game? There must have been a more reasonable way to deal with this than just pay him ridiculous amounts of money so that he would stop bothering you. I know you’re an intelligent man but… ah, it just sounds really dumb”  
  
Taeyong didn’t know that Ho-Sub wasn’t one to just negotiate with. Taeyong didn’t know what power money had in their social circles.  
  
Taeyong didn’t know that Jaehyun did it all for a change to feel _love_. There. He admitted it in his mind.  
  
“You don’t know him. He’s a bad person and he would never give in to me. And that amount of money is totally worth spending if I can make sure he doesn’t interfer with my life anymore. It’s not like I went bankrupt. I have a steady, well paying job and I’ll just buy a new car”

  
God, he sounded like the worst douchebag ever putting it like that. He regretted saying it as soon as he saw Taeyong’s throw his arms out in confusion.  
  
“Do you even understand how shitty that makes me feel? It might be pocket money for you, but for me… gosh, I struggle to pay my fucking rent every month!”  
  
Jaehyun felt a slight panic creeping up along his spine. He suddenly saw all the differences between them. His expensive watch. His tailored shirt, his branded belt. Predictable. Structured. Designed for. The other was wild – dirty in a sexy way, on the verge of being broken, and utterly fierce. And still he was the one with more sense.  
  
“I’m sorry, I take it back, that was really unfair”  
  
Taeyong crossed his arms and pouted, staring angrily in Jaehyun’s direction.

Jaehyun let his hands slide through his hair for a few times before speaking up. His voice was more firm now since he was the one who had to defend him self.  
  
“But- but you should know that this was a big sacrifice for me too. Yes, I wanted him gone nevertheless, but the reason why I panicked and made these decisions so fast is because of you. You asked me to fix it fast. So I did it,  because I value you more than 80 million won and a sportscar. Does that mean anything to you?”  
  
Taeyong turned his gaze down where his foot was making unconscious patterns in the gravel. He didn’t reply, but nodded subtly, putting his hands back into his pockets. He’d lost all the softest of his face, and he certainly looked older than usual with his rigid expression. Jaehyun allowed himself to admire the older in his anger – his usually so squishable cheeks were hollow under his cheekbones, his jawline sharp as a knife and his eyes dark and resentful under heavy furrowed brows. He still looked beautiful in his melodramatic ways.

Jaehyun knew he had to leave to see his patient now, but he hated leaving the boy on such a bad note. He was afraid Taeyong wouldn’t come back to him if he let him go right now – and in that case, all his efforts had been in vain.  
  
Jaehyun sighed desperately and shut his eyes for a brief moment. He needs to come up with something, quick, now-  
“Hyung, you can live with me, if you want. You don’t have to pay anything. And I wouldn’t be your boyfriend or anything, just consider me your roommate or ... landlord, or something. I would pay for food and all. Then you wouldn’t need to work in that bar, you could focus on dancing and on finishing your degree”  
  
Taeyong looked up at him as his eyes widened and his lips fell slightly apart. So he stared at him for a little while - it was like the scene was buffering. When Jaehyun made a scene of his nervousness by shifting weight uncomfortably from one leg to another, Taeyong finally reacted verbally.  
  
“I’ll….. I’ll think about it. That’s an insanely generous offer, Jaehyun. I hope it’s not that you want to buy me off too”  
  
Jaehyun groaned. God, this guy was hard to please! Hadn’t he done enough already?  
 “Hyung, please, work with me a little, will you? I’m really trying here!” He sighed loudly and checked his watch. “I need to go back to work now”. He knew how defeated and exhausted he sounded.  
Jaehyun started walking back towards the door, making a show of himself leaving without any proper goodbyes. “Text me when you’re ready to see me again”, he said sadly.  
  
“Jaehyun-“ The older began, but Jaehyun had already went back inside.  


 

Jaehyun couldn’t help but feel both disappointed and humiliated. He had really tried to do his best and fix the issue quickly for Taeyong’s sake, but all he got was judgement and being called immature. He had to respect the older’s opinions but he couldn’t help thinking the other was acting a little obnoxious in his way of ignoring the fact that Jaehyun did it all for him. The offer he made was something he would have wanted to propose later on in their relationship, so he was kind of sad he had to waste it now as a defense mechanism. Yes, in a way it was buying the guy’s happiness. But he truly wanted to have Taeyong near him at all times, not just because of the way he desired his lips and his hands and longed for his soft, sweet voice, but because he genuinely cared and worried for him. He would feel more at rest knowing the pink haired boy slept under the same roof as him.  
  
It was a good offer – the other certainly didn’t have anything to lose. Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep the promise of just “landlording” but at least he could try, in case Taeyong didn’t want their relationship so go any further. After all, it wouldn’t necessarily need to lead to anything; they would just sleep under the same roof. Taeyong would get his guest room and that’s that. Maybe they could share Jaehyun’s bed once in a while.  Jaehyun would be satisfied with just sex, too, even though he thoroughly wished for something deeper than that.  
  
Jaehyun frowned and shook his head to his own thoughts. Jesus, they had been on ONE date and slept together ONCE, and here he was imagining how it would most definitely happen again. Once … it didn’t mean anything at all. The chances of Taeyong moving into his apartment was pretty slim – the other was an adult man, even older than himself, so it was kind of naïve to think he would move in with Jaehyun just to take advantage of his economical stability. He had his dignity, after all. Jaehyun himself would do something similar only for one reason – love.  
  
  
  
Later that evening he texted Taeyong – his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone and he had to do something about them. And he was dead afraif of losing him even before it had even started.  
  
21.53  
_Hey, I’m sorry for earlier. I guess I panicked when he threatened me. I promise I am not trying to buy your acceptance either. Please don’t be angry with me.  
_  
21.56 Taeyongie  
_It’s okay Jaehyunnie, you have your reasons. Your money isn’t my business so I didn’t have the right to judge.  
_  
Jaehyun had already written a long text where he begged for forgiveness and contemplated on confessing his feelings for the pink haired boy, but he erased it as soon as he had finished it. This was not the time and place. Begging wasn’t sexy. Or, uhm, it _could_ be, but those circumstances where something completely different.  
  
22.05  
_Are you angry with me?_  
  
22.06 Taeyongie  
_I guess not. I don’t know. I feel very confused. We’ve just met and this is already quite arduous.  
_  
No, no, no, not that… No, please, no. Jaehyun began to feel a lump forming in his throat again from arising anxiety. He would lose his calm soon - he knew it, based on how he typed in frenzy.  
  
22.07  
_Can’t we just start from a clean sheet? I’ll take you out again, this time I won’t be your doctor or anything, I won’t need to mention my ex anymore,  I’ll just be a regular guy and you’ll be a regular guy, only that you’re not regular, you’re as unique and exclusive as the rarest gem and I just can’t afford to lose you at this point when I haven’t even had the chance to show you how good I would take care of you._  
  
He knew it sounded desperate. But he was desperate – if he lost the pink haired boy now, all this had been in vain; he could just have went back to his unhappy life with Ho-Sub and immerse himself completely in his studies and in his work, and maybe one day he would reach his goals and become a pediatrician. He could have kept his family happy with being a part of the business, he wouldn’t have violated his doctor’s ethics. But all that was lost now, and he just couldn’t deal with starting from scratch. He would never find anyone compatible to Taeyong so he might just as well die alone. _Jesus, I sound like a fucking teenager_ , he thought. Then again Jaehyun wasn’t very old. Taeyong was right – he was immature and oblivious of life’s harsh realities.  


This is all Ho-Subs fault, fucking hell, it’s all HIS fault. He had already started typing another message blaming his narcissistic ex for everything but managed to erase it before actually sending away anything.

He counted slowly to ten. _Jaehyun you desperate fool, stop it already_. Even though he craved to defend himself he shouldn’t be more childish than he already was.

He flinced when the reply came.  
  
22.16 Taeyongie  
_Calm down, Jaehyun. If I didn’t have genuine interest in you I would have walked away as soon as you told me about that absurd threatening. I still want to meet you.  
_  
Jaehyun breathed out a huge puff of air in relief.  
  
22.17  
_You have no idea how relieved you make me by saying that!_  
  
22.18 Taeyongie  
_I think you’re a good man, you know. I never got to say it but I felt really good last weekend. I thought I’d feel uncomfortable because of the way I look and all that but you made me feel fucking great and no-one have made me feel like that for a long while_  
  
“The way I look…” Jaehyun muttered. He wanted to undermine the comment but knowing Taeyong’s disturbed body image it wouldn’t change his mind, only annoy him.  
  
22.19  
_You are beautiful, from top to toe. I promise to make you feel good about yourself everyday if you let me_  
  
22.20 Taeyongie  
_Was is okay for you too? I know you’re pretty experienced so maybe it wasn’t anything special but still_

So from having a semi-argument about serious matters he suddenly changed the subject to sex? _Wow, okay, I’m in._   Jaehyun had to be very cautious though, considering that this was the first time he had proper sex with a man who wasn’t drunk or high from clubbing in a shady nightclub. Jaehyun shook his head. Such a strange time to mention about it…  
  
22.21  
_My honest opinion? Amazing. Not because of the way your body feels under my hands or the way your voice makes me crumble to pieces, but because of the fact that You are bravely YOU and not trying to be anything less or more than that. I crave you the moment as I type this, and I know I’m not worthy you at the moment due to my awkward begging and whining, but if you in fact were here, I’d make sure to make you feel even better. I’d make you feel so insanely great you’d forget all about work schedule and dance practice and I keep you in my bed until I’m satisfied which is probably never. Damn, your friends at the Academy would miss you a great lot…_  
  
Wasn’t it a little bit too much? Jaehyun grimaced since he had already pressed send.  
  
22.22  
_Oh sorry for wall of text it got out of hand_

22.25 Taeyongie  
_Wow I’m not sure if I am turned on or touched or both_  
  
Jaehyun bit his own lip, his fingers itching with writing something dirty to get this conversation going in the right direction. But he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate, considering the seriousness of their conversation minutes earlier. Furthermore, he truly need to tone it down, he’s acting way too eager anyway. His pride had got badly hit the moment he realized he didn’t have any kind of control over the situation regarding their relationship. Taeyong was the one with the upperhand in the game. Jaehyun’s just a wreck.

22.26  
_I wanna see you badly. Tell me when I can see you_  
  
It took a while before he answered. Jaehyun could tell Taeyong was torn. He knew he wanted him, at least to some extent, but something inside Taeyong was balancing on a thread and Jaehyun hated himself for knowing that he’s the one who had caused it. Jaehyun was anything but the stability he had pictured himself to be.

22.30 Taeyongie  
_I want to see you too. But I need to sleep on this all. Good night Hyunnie xx_

  
22.32  
_It’s ok. Sweet dreams and take care of yourself!  
  
  
_

 

Taeyong slept on it for the rest of the week and kept Jaehyun waiting in silence. Jaehyun had written at least ten different versions of the same text message he was about to send him out of longing for the other’s attention, but he erased it everytime before pressing send _. Give him time. He’ll come back to you, he said you made him feel good_. What else is there to feel than good if you have a choice? Love? Not when love feels like being ripped apart from the inside by a twofaced pink unicorn with butterfly wings.  
 

On Saturday he went out with Johnny to the bar. Johnny was about to start working at the hospital the next Monday, so they decided to go out celebrating the end of an era of the two of them fighting off flu patients one by one at the health care center.  
  
“Don’t be sad, you’ll join me after summer, right?”  
  
“Uh, hopefully. I’m gonna go talk with the head of the department next month, actually” Jaehyun said and took a sip of his beer.  
  
“Fantastic! We’ll be back together in no time, fighting real septic pneumonia's at the ward instead of manflu in our dusty offices!”  
  
“Manflu is actually really bad”  
  
“True that. Worth a trip to the ICU”  
  
“Gosh, I have still to endure over three months of people complaining about nothing…” Jaehyun sighed cynically. That’s one thing you unfortunately might suffer from as a doctor at the health care center – cynicism. Like, people smoking a pack of cigarettes for 40 years and then suddenly getting a chronic lung disease, like, dude, what did you expect? Being severely overweight and coming in complaining about joint aches? It’s sad, really. Sad how badly people treat their bodies. _And here we are drinking alcohol_.  
  
“Hey, in four months you’ll be seeing really sick children every day!”  
  
“Johnny that’s awful…”  
  
Johnny laughed hard and thoroughly, and Jaehyun hoped no-one was hearing their discussion. A server was coming in with a tray of drinks they’d ordered beforehand, meaning it was time to change the subject.  
  
“By the way, you know anyone who wants to sell their still reasonably new and sexy car to me?”  
  
“What, did you crash that penis extension of yours?”  
  
“Something like that” Jaehyun mumbled.  
  
“Good, you looked like a pretentious asshole when you drove that car” Johnny said with a teasing smile.   
  
After a few more drinks and some shots they head out to some nightclub, meeting old acquaintances from university, avoiding old crushes, dancing with the cool kids and losing money on gambling (well, Johnny did). Jaehyun knew he was delusional but he kind of wished he would bump into Taeyong at some point – but there was no pink hair to be found anywhere. Around 3 in the morning he found himself drinking beer with some guy in the thirties who was obviously doing his best to hit on him. Jaeyun contemplated taking him home to fuck away his worries with, but the last bit of morale he still had stopped him from doing it since he knew he would regret it a thousand times the morning after. He was still single, but somehow he still felt bound to the pink haired boy – he didn’t want to disappoint him, even though he weren’t there. Eventually he excused himself and went back to Johnny, who had gathering a crowd around him by philosophizing about life, beyond and antibiotics. Jaehyun drank some more until the next thing he remembers is waking up in is own bed on a Sunday morning. He glances around to confirm that he is alone, and sinks back to the mattress with a relieved sigh.  
  
He suddenly came to think about the fact that he offered to let Taeyong move in with him. God, that was foolish. Jaehyun rolled onto his stomach to pick up his phone from the floor. Still no message from the pink haired boy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty crazy I know, I think I have a problem with drama. I felt like I have to write this down immediately, so it might feel a bit rushed. I'm sorry for that ;_____;

It had been a week since Jaehyun and Taeyong met outside the health care center. Considering the deafening silence on the phone lines Jaehyun knew he had fucked up pretty badly. Everytime he jumped on the bus to go to work he felt ashamed, not because of the bus, but because of that it reminded him of the stupid, stupid, stupid thing he had done in a hurry. He was so ashamed so he hadn't even talked about it with Johnny, because man, he would get burned badly by the older colleague if he revealed what had happened.  
  
And after a while, he also started to understand Taeyong. This wasn't exactly the traditional way to meet someone - and he knew he had made the older feel horribly pressured by his actions. He just hoped he hadn’t caused any actual damage, knowing the brittleness of his former patients mental health.  
  
He had been looking out for a new car, and if things went well, he could make a deal for a fairly nice one next weekend. He hadn't even realized there were so many used but really good cars in the market - he had just been looking at prices for completely new ones. And Johnny was right - his former car was a little bit too flashy for him if he wanted to portray himself as a humble regular dude.   
  
He felt lonely at the lunch breaks when Johnny wasn't in the house anymore. He had other colleagues, but they didn't know him like he did, so he ended up moping alone in his room most lunch breaks, checking his phone diligently. His mood had dropped severely after Johnny left, like he finally realized what a sad loner he really is when single.  And not a single word from _him_. He couldn't dare to text him either - he'd lost his chance when revealing his desperation earlier.   
  
Weekend came and went, Jaehyun got the car and took it out for a spin, before going home and staying in bed for the whole weekend, pretending he could just hide from judgement beneath his duvet covers.   
He regretted his decisions he made earlier, but what could he do about it anymore? Ho-Sub was a no-go. His parents would listen to his complaints but that would result in provoking the bitch and make him release the rumors and fuck up Jaehyun's chance to get into the University Hospital. What was done was done. Stupid, stupid, stupid.   
  
  
  
  
One particularly depressing day of self doubt he punished his body to complete exhaustion at the gym for two and a half hours. With sore legs he dragged himself home for a rewarding shower. While shampooing his hair his front door's buzzer suddenly ringed. For a moment he thought that it was the delivery guy who _usually_ has the key code to the building, but then he realized he hadn't ordered any food yet. He cursed and stepped out of the shower, tying a towel around his hips.   
  
The buzzing continues and he runs to the door to turn it off. The screen lit up showing the person outside waiting. At first, he doesn't recognize him due to the coal black hair.  
  
Cold shivers run down his spine when he pressed down the button activating the microphone.   
  
"Hyung?"   
  
"Ah, hey! Uhm, I was nearby, can I come in?" Taeyong asked.   
  
"Oh, of course, I just... Yeah come up"   
  
Jaehyun was utterly surprised to find Taeyong outside his door after not hearing from him for almost two weeks. He panicked, since he still had shampoo in his hair. He run to the shower, rinsed his hair in 15 seconds and ran out to get some clothes, still dripping water all over the floor. He was putting on some sweatpants and a clean t-shirt the moment he heard a faint knocking on the door. He ran back and opened the door, cheeks still red and flustered from the hot water.   
  
Taeyong was sporting black hair. Black hair with loose black cargopants and a tank-top under his leather jacket. He removed the jacket and hung it awkwardly up in the closet.   
  
"Yeah sorry I just came from practice"   
  
Jaehyun just hummed, taking in the sight that he had longed for so much the past two weeks. Jaehyun knew it was probably just him imagining things but the black clothing made him look even skinnier. And his hair...   
  
"You dyed your hair"   
  
Taeyong looked up at him and pouted for half a second.   
  
"Yes"   
  
Jaehyun wanted to ask why, but he knew better not to. He looked good in it, though. More dramatic. Sharper.   
  
"Black looks good on you"  
  
The older slid his hand trough his tresses, not aware of how the sight of the naked skin of his arms and shoulders affected the other.   
  
"Thank you. I kind of felt like it was time to move on... From pink"   
  
Jaehyun nodded and stepped aside, letting the older step inside the living room.   
  
"Uhm, i'm happy you're here, but… why?" Jaehyun asked in a small voice when Taeyong went to check out the view from the windows.   
  
The older did a twirl and turned to face Jaehyun again.   
  
"Two things I need to talk about. But first, something to drink"  
  
Jaehyun nodded and went to the kitchen and put the water boiler on and took out some tea leaves and huge mugs. When it was done he brought the tray to the coffee table and signaled Taeyong to sit down. The boy put his bag down on the floor and sat down with one of the mugs between his bony hands.   
  
"Okay, what do you want to talk about" Jaehyun said cautiously.   
  
Taeyong blew some steam off the mug, and stared silently at the black of Jaehyun’s flat screen TV for a moment. He was thinking. Maybe he had planned what to say, maybe he had not. One thing was certain, and that was that the words he was about to say weren’t nice nor light.  
  
"Okay. Well. I think your actions two weeks ago were stupid and unnecessary. I felt really bad for a couple of days. I couldn’t sleep for two nights and had to call in sick for work one night. Luckily I know anxiety so I had some methods how to deal with it.  But yeah, I was pretty down. I felt like you tried to buy me and that's a shitty feeling I didn't expect to get from you"  
  
Jaehyun lost all the color from his face, swallowing down the lump that was forming in his throat. He kind of wished he could jump out of the window and die on the spot.   
  
"But then again I understand that you just tried to make the problem, being your ex, go away as fast as possible, and you went to the easiest solution because that's what comfortable humans do. So I tried not to think about your mess too much. I told myself that we are not in any way connected and that whatever you do it doesn't oblige me to anything"  
  
Gosh, that was rough. Jaehyun had later realized that he had unintentionally dragged his personal problems over the other man, so he could completely see why Taeyong had been so distressed about it.   
  
"I'm so sorry, I honestly didn't realize back then. I've lived in shame the past week-"   
  
Taeyong lifted up his hand.   
  
"Let me finish"   
  
Jaehyun bit his lip and lowered his gaze, once again doing whatever to please the older man.   
  
"I thought about calling to tell you that you've... That you've made me feel worse and that I don’t want to continue this, but I couldn't, because everytime I saw your name on my screen I just remembered how appreciated and... Happy, genuinely happy you have made me during the month or so that we've been talking. I thought that you must really, REALLY, like me a lot"  
_  
I do. I do, but apparently I don't deserve you_. Damn, this was even more humiliating than getting scolded by the professor in Med School for doing the wrong suture in closing a wound.  
  
"And then today at practise, in the middle of some cheesy song, I ultimately felt that I miss you. So that's why I came here as soon as we finished"   
  
Jaehyun felt a warm hand on his knee.  
  
“I’ll give you that second chance”  
  
“But?” There’s always a but.  
  
“But? There’s no but” Taeyong said with a confused look.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Well, I think so? Just don’t do anything daft like that deal you made ever again. And I don’t wanna hear a single word about that guy ever again. Don’t take me for a child whose trust and devotion can be bought with money ever again. I’m gonna finish my degree and get a job in pharmacy next autumn, and If I ever come to live with you it’s because of _you_ and not because of your money. Actually, just, just don’t speak about money … like, ever again?  
  
Jaehyun dried a tear that had run down his cheek and chuckled slightly. “That last thing is gonna be hard”  
Taeyong laughed and threw his arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders. He nuzzled up against his neck, and Jaehyun realized his hair was newly dyed by the distinct smell of chemicals being emitted from it. He loved feeling the boy pressed up against him again though. He was still holding his own mug of tea and didn’t dare to move incase he would spill the hot liquid all over his legs. So he settled on staying still, enjoying the heaviness of Taeyong’s arms on his upper body.  
  
“I’m so lucky you’re giving me a second chance. I promise I did it all thinking it would please you, I really didn’t realize that it actually was quite the opposite. I’m stupid”  
  
Taeyong raised his head and kissed him lightly on the cheek.  
  
“Yes you are awfully stupid for being a legal drug dealer. How can I trust any of you anymore” Taeyong said teasingly.  
  
“I wouldn’t trust any of us either” Jaehyun said tiredly and wiggled himself out of Taeyong’s grip so that he could place the mug back onto the coffee table. Taeyong’s hand lingered on Jaehyun’s knee, certainly not going unnoticed by the younger. _He missed me.  
_  
Jaehyun cleared his voice and pulled his shoulders back just the slightest so that he wouldn’t look as miserable.  
  
“I have a new car now”  
  
“Oh? You do? Show me!” Taeyong said eagerly.  
  
Jaehyun picked up his phone from the coffee table and scrolled through the photos on his phone. For the last week he hadn’t taken a single photo apart from the one he took of his car when he picked it up last Saturday. He usually was one to appreciate life’s small quirky details, but the last week had been so ugly it hadn’t been worthy to capture at all.  
  
He showed the picture to Taeyong. It was a silver coloured Audi that looked almost new since it had only been driven for 3 years by its former owner. Jaehyun had always liked European cars so he was pretty pleased with his new baby.  
  
“Woooow- DON’T SAY ANYTHING- It’ a really nice car” Taeyong said admiringly. He was right though – Jaehyun was already about to say how it ain’t as good as his former car, but he swallowed his words.  
   
“Yeah, thanks, it’s really great”  
  
“How did you like riding public transport to work?” Taeyong asked with a hint of judgement in his tone.  
  
“It was very nice actually! I finally had time to read the newspaper thoroughly”  
  
Taeyong smiled, pleased with his answer. He looked so different with his new, intensely black hair. It was so black it almost shone blue under the roof lightning. His eyes popped out much lighter, and his dark eyebrows blended in nicely compared to the harsh contrast of his light colored hair. He was pretty, as always. They looked at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.  
  
“Can I hug you now?” Jaehyun asked timidly, afraid of stepping over any boundaries Taeyong might have made up during their quarrel.  
  
“Please” The older said kindly, and tilted his head to the side.  
  
Jaehyun quickly gathered up the boy in his arms, and hugged him tightly until he felt the other’s chest press up against his. He let his chin rest next to his neck and sighed contently by how good it felt to have another warm body close to him. Trought the smell of chemicals and sweat from dancing, his senses picked up the scent of Taeyong’s skin, and it was such a nice scent he let himself melt against the boy even more.  
  
“Thank you” he whispered against his neck, letting his lips brush lightly against the naked skin.  
  
They sat entwined for a minute or two, before Jaehyun gently pulled apart, not wanting to claim the man against his will. Taeyong however grabbed hold of his neck to stop him mid-movement. They ended up so close to each other Jaehyun could count the other man’s eyelashes. He started counting silently to keep himself calm, and after nine lashes a pair of plump lips met his own.  
  
Taeyong pulled him closer by his neck and kissed him lovingly, pressing hard enough to make it matter. Jaehyun was too scared to do anything, so he just sat still, letting himself be kissed, cherishing the feeling of warm wetness against his lips.  
  
Taeyong pulled apart and traced a line across his cupid’s bow, looking at him with parted lips. Jaehyun loved the way his front teeth peeked out when he did that expression. He couldn’t explain why.  
  
“Come on, kiss me back” Taeyong said, gazing Jaehyun into the eyes.  
  
So Jaehyun obeyed, like the lovelost puppy he was. He took Taeyong’s parted lips between his own, and they kissed deeply and thoroughly until their differences didn’t exist anymore. A soft moan escaped Tayeong’s lips when Jaehyun’s tongue met his, and it all felt so good and peaceful again.  
  
 Eventually Taeyong pulled back so that Jaehyun could place soft kisses onto his neck instead.  
“I really did miss this, Jaehyunnie” He said breathlessly. He grabbed Jaehyun by the hair and guided him back to his awaiting mouth.  
  
Jaehyun couldn’t help it when his kissing became more fierce and needy, and eventually his hand landed on Taeyong’s chest to push him down against the sofa, just like they had done two and a half week ago. Taeyong’s arms grabbed Jaehyun’s waist and pulled him down against his body, not caring about how heavy the other actually was against him. The younger couldn’t keep his fingers away from the other no longer, and he begun to explore all the accessible parts of his skin. He felt warm and real under his touch, and the small content noises Taeyong produced convinced Jaehyun one by one that everything was about to be okay.  
  
Taeyong’s top was hoisted up and Jaehyun kept caressing his sides and his tummy while placing small but wanting kisses all over his jaw. Taeyong gasped and pulled Jaehyun’s hips closer down. Unfortunately, Jaehyun’s stomach suddenly decided to churn loudly and the heated moment was over in a heartbeat.  
  
“Babe are you hungry?” Taeyong giggled.  
  
Jaehyun groaned and hoisted himself up onto his elbows, still sitting above the older.  
  
“Yeah I worked out for ages and I didn’t have time to order dinner before you came here”  
  
“Oh my god, poor you” Taeyong cupped his face and pulled him down for another quick kiss, before letting go and signing Jaehyun to get up.  
   
“I’ll make you dinner with whatever we find in your kitchen” He said and made some kind of effort to stand up.  
  
Jaehyun however gripped his forearm to keep him sitting. Ketosis hadn’t gotten to him yet – he could manage for a little longer.  
  
“Wait. I remember you told me you had two things you wanted to tell me about. What was the second one?”  
  
“Oh, right. Yeah. I went to see your colleague today too at the health care center and we went through my labs. I have them with me, if you want to see”  
  
Jaehyun was suddenly anything but hungry and completely alert. Taeyong had been to his workplace today? What if they had bumped into each other?  
  
“Yes, give me them”  
  
Taeyong got up to get the piece of paper from his bag and handed it over to Jaehyun. He scanned the paper quickly, and his eyes got caught on one particular figure.  
  
“What did Dr. Nam say about the D-Dimer?”  
  
“Which one is that?” Taeyong said and leaned over Jaehyun’s shoulder to take a peak at the paper. Jaehyun pointed at the figure marked by a small star, showing it was abnormal.  
  
“Ah, yeah, the blood clot one, right? He said it’s a little elevated but not that much that it’s worth any concern. I’m young and I don’t have any risk factors like smoking or obesity so…”  
  
“So he didn’t do anything about it? I mean, it’s clearly elevated, even though it’s not much. I haven’t found anything wrong with you except this – it gotta be this!”  
  
Taeyong rolled his eyes and curled up closer to the worried doctor.  
“I still have the spirometry scheduled next week. I still might have asthma” The older said in a sensual voice and leaned over to kiss Jaehyun cheekbone. Never had “spirometry” and “asthma” sounded so sexy, but Jaehyun didn’t let it bother him. He was in doctor mode now (if doctor’s were allowed to be borderline hysterical) and he needed to sort this out straight.  
  
“No but seriously, you need to get an ultrasound for deep vein thrombosis or, or, or preferably a spiral CT scan for pulmonary embolism” Jaehyun continued, rushedly. The D-Dimer was blinking red in his field of sight – It wasn’t high enough to guarantee him a ticket to all the funrides in the hospital, but enough to make Jaehyun worry. He understood his seniors point though – D-Dimer can be elevated for numerous different reasons where embolism (blood clots) is just one of those reasons.  
  
“Well _my new doctor_ told me I shouldn’t worry and that we’ll check the lab again in a few weeks time to see if it’s still elevated. You can’t do those referals for me anymore, Jaehyun” Taeyong said calmly.  
  
“But what if you have a freaking blood clot in your lungs??” Jaehyun exclaimed and put the paper away.  
  
Taeyong sat himself in his lap and cupped his face with both hands.  
“Ssshh, I feel fine! Don’t worry so much Jaehyunnie”  
  
Jaehyun grabbed his wrist and let himself be kissed by the older boy. He sighed heavily and tried to think reasonably – the risk of Taeyong having a blood clot was pretty small; It would be much smarter to wait for the spirometry and peak expiratory flow results since asthma was a way more probable cause to his symptoms. If those were negative, he would convince Dr.Nam to make a referral to the hospital for a CT scan.  
  
“Okay… just promise me that you go straight to the hospital if you start feeling unwell for real”

Taeyong pecked his nose and smiled sweetly so his cheeks puffed out.  
  
“I promise. Now, I’ll make you dinner, fool”  
  
  
  


It was a weirdly domestic but wonderful evening.  
Taeyong searched through Jaehyun’s kitchen until he found enough dry ingredients to do some ramen. Jaehyun ran to a nearby shop to buy some fresh vegetables, and soon enough a promising dinner was simmering on the stove. The older was enjoying working in a roomy, fresh kitchen (fresh mostly because Jaehyun didn’t really do much in it), talking about his favorite foods and how he used to prepare them back home with his mother. He really missed his mother, Jaehyun noticed, and that made him sad as hell. Why did they have to be so unfair against him?  
  
“It’ll be ready in two minutes” Taeyong exclaimed and searched the cabinets for plates and cutlery. Jaehyun run up to him and hugged him from behind, burying his nose in the other’s black hair and breathing in the mix of chemicals and hot stuff. Taeyong giggled and tried to wiggle himself free.  
  
“The plates are not there” Jaehyun mused against his neck, holding him tightly against himself.  
  
“Well go get them then, that’s the least you can do!” The older whined and hit Jaehyun’s arms playfully.  
Jaehyun released him, only to find the older spinning around to plant a wet kiss on his lips. How did they ever even argue?  
  
The clock was already 11 pm when they finally had dinner. Taeyong was hungry too since he hadn’t eaten anything particular after dance practice. He ate neatly and talked about his groups new ideas for their upcoming show, while Jaehyun pretended to listen while slurping in as much food as he possibly could. He was starving – and he would lose all his gains if he didn’t feed his sore muscles as soon as possible.  
  
“You’re an awesome cook, hyung!” Jaehyun managed to say with his face stuffed full.  
  
“I’m glad you appreciate it! Personally, I’m not fond of these types of noodles but you didn’t have anything else so… I once tried to do noodles from scratch myself but I just ended up splattering dough all over the kitchen so it was anything but a great success. Have you ever been to an Italian restaurant where they make fresh pasta? Well, sure you have, but wow, that’s sooo good, I once bought a lot take away and binged on it until way past midnight…” Taeyong blabbered on while watching Jaehyun eat. The younger noticed how he avoided the food himself and only picked up small spoonfuls whenever he felt that Jaehyun was looking. The younger wiped his mouth with a napkin and put down his spoon.  
  
“Are you not eating?”  
  
“Yes! You want some of mine? I won’t eat it all anyway”  
  
“No, no, I’ve had plenty, I just thought you said you were hungry” Jaehyun said apologizing. <

  
Taeyong looked down at his plate and picked at some onion with his chop sticks. He took a big bite and raised an eyebrow in Jaehyun’s direction. <

  
“I’m small, I don’t eat much” <

  
_Don’t push it, let him be_. Jaehyun nodded and continued eating with a hearty appetite. He didn’t want to provoke the older when he had been this nice as to cook him dinner in his own home. This was truly a lucky day.  


 

After the dinner, Jaehyun thanked the chef thoroughly before tidying up the kitchen. He was very tired, since he usually didn’t stay up this late on a working day. He didn’t dare to ask if Taeyong was planning on staying the night, so he made a show of himself yawning and showing how badly he needed to go to bed just right now. Taeyong seemed to get the message.

“I just noticed that the bus to my place has stopped running at this hour” He said while leaning against the fridge.  
  
“I’m too tired to drive you home but I can pay for a cab if you want. Or then you stay here”  
  
“Can I stay here?”  
  
“Of course you can.” Jaehyun was still shocked by how quickly their interactions went back to something pure and loving after two weeks of radio silence and disappointed faces. They were both seeing things through pink tinted goggles though, therefore ignoring realities. Jaehyun knew he still had to be very cautious of everything he said and did – he had been way too close to ruin it all to risk anything extra.

Taeyong shifted his weight to the other leg.  
“Great. Thank you, Jae. Can I take a shower now?”  
  
“Yes of course, go go” Jaehun said as he got the dishwasher running.  
  
Taeyong smiled suggestively, made a graceful turned and disappeared towards the bathroom. Jaehyun saw the glimt in his eyes and felt a slight dread creeping up within him. He was awfully tired and he knew he would fall asleep as soon as he lay his head on his pillow. Taeyong didn’t have schedules like he did – he could wake up late and go to the library to study whenever he wanted. Unfortunately, Jaehyun had to force himself to stay awake until Taeyong was done with his showering because it would be sort of rude as a host to just fall asleep without even saying goodnight.

   
  


He waited in the sofa and felt himself swaying away to slumbertown every once in a while. He woke up from a half seated, half lying down position when a high pitched voice yelled from the bathroom. Damn, hope he doesn’t disturb the neighbors, Jaehyun thought and got up groggily.

“Jaehyunnie~ Can you bring me a towel?”  
  
The younger fetched a clean towel from the closet and knocked hesitantly on the bathroom door.  
  
“Come in, it’s not locked”  
  
Jaehyun felt himself getting flustered but opened the door to go inside since that’s what he was asked to do. A cloud of hot steam embraced him, and he saw the silhouette of a slim body through the sheer shower curtains. Taeyong walked blatantly out from the shower with the water still running towards a stunned Jaehyun, who accidentally looked down at the other man’s nakedness in a whole. He was hard. _Oh my god what has he been doing in my shower,_ Jaehyun thought hastily.  
  
“Uhm” He blurted out when a wet hand grabbed his neck.  
  
Taeyong run his other hand through his wet hair and pushed it back all the way, revealing his astonishing facial features in all its angular glory. He smiled sneakily and grabbed hold of Jaehyun’s hip.  
  
“Join me”  
  
“But I’m so tired” Jaehyun stammered sheepishly, staring at the older’s lips.  
   
Taeyong leaned closer, wetting down Jaehyun’s shirt and sweatpants.  
“You’ll sleep so much better after this” He whispered into the other one’s ears, and started pulling up his shirt.  
  
However tired he was, not a single cell in Jaehyun’s body (except for the circadian one’s screaming that it’s bed time) could deny the other man, and he let himself be stripped bare. He stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers when they were pushed down.  
  
“Good” Taeyong chirped and dragged him into the shower. The water flowed hotly, feeling amazing on his tired muscles that only got the enjoy a few minutes of showering earlier since said black haired man came in for a surprise visit. Taeyong leaned in and kissed him roughly and sloppily, apparently readily aroused by the way he didn’t even let Jaehyun breathe properly. When Jaehyun’s hands travelled down his chest to his hips he let out a moan, gasping for air a second before meeting Jaehyun’s tongue again. Jaehyun felt his erection poking him hard in his thigh, so his hands traveled south to take him into his hand. A second moan came, followed by a rough bite at Jaehyun’s neck. The younger hoped it wouldn’t leave marks – he still had to go to work tomorrow.  
  
An idea came up to his mind, and he begun to kiss the older’s neck only to trail lower, past his nipples to his upper abdomen. He went down on his knees and grabbed the boy’s hips hard, stabilizing him against the wall. Taeyong’s breathing sped up with every kiss going lower and lower until Jaehyun had his eyes on the prize. He was a bit too shy to keep eyecontact, so he closed his eyes as he took the older man’s length into his mouth, letting it lie heavily against his tongue. A pair of needy hands slid into his wet hair and grabbed a steady hold.  
  
He begun to suck earnestly, finding the task a million times easier since Taeyong was much more conveniently sized in every way compared to his tall and broad ex. Jaehyun was pleased to find out how well the other man’s dick suited his hand and mouth, knowing it would be a pleasure to pleasure him every night if so be needed. He took him in deeper, and with hollow cheeks he began to slide up and down the man’s length. The tightening of his hands in his hair and the rhythmic, high pitched moaning fed his own hardness well, and in the haze of his arousal he forgot everything about being tired on a Wednesday evening.  
  
“Oh Hyunnie, look at me… look at me Jae…” The older groaned, and Jaehyun forced himself to direct his gaze upwards toward the beautiful man above him. His mouth was open, his eyes were half lidden, and the running water had glued his hair against his forehead in a most delicious manner. How could a person be this lucky?  
  
Jaehyun increased his speed and intensity, making sure to bury the whole of the boy completely inside him at every thrust.  He had lost his gag reflex many years ago anyway, so it wasn’t like he was even struggling – it was his pride and joy to pleasure the prince above him.  
   
Eventually the older gripped his hair harder, and tilted Jaehyun's head away from his twitching member. The younger looked up at him with wide, expecting eyes.    
  
But something seemed suddenly so very different – Taeyong’s jaws were tense, making his face seem more harsh than usual – like he somehow had _just now_ remembered how he still was mad with Jaehyun. Something dark was clouding Taeyong's eyes as he stared down at the younger boy on his knees, and Jaehyun swallowed nervously.  
  
"Apologize" he hissed between his teeth with such malevolence it put Jaehyun completely off guard. Seldom had he seen such a dramatic mood swing. Had he done something wrong right _now or…?  
_  
"What?"   
  
"Apologize for making me feel poor and cheap and guilty in a quite disgusting way. A proper apology. I gave you a second chance so I want you to beg for my forgiveness down on your knees"   
  
He looked sullen, and Jaehyun wondered what had made him think about those things while Jaehyun was giving him a blow job. The younger definitely didn't want to make him feel cheap. He was anything but! Jaehyun knew however that their differences and conflicting backgrounds would surely create deep gaps between them if he didn't respect the older's rules. And furthermore, he had promised himself to never upset the boy again.   
  
He felt the grip in his hair tighten ever further.   
  
"Please forgive me, Taeyongie Hyung" he said, while looking regretfully into the older's dark eyes. He truly meant it, from the bottom of his heart, and he hoped the older could see the truth in his eyes. Taeyong’s mouth twitched, but he didn’t say anything. “Forgive me?” Jaehyun continued with a slightly cracking voice.  
  
Taeyong pulled him back in close to his hips harshly. Jaehyun had suddenly his nose buried against Taeyong’s thigh, feeling the musky scent of sex irking his senses. Was he teasing or... _he couldn't be serious, righ_ t? It got to be a part of an act - a part of Taeyong’s need for powerplay?  
  
"Please" Jaehyun winced, wondering when he could take the older into his mouth again. Taeyong caressed the back of his head.   
  
"Are you begging, Doctor Jung? You're really begging me?" the older purred.   
  
Jaehyun searched for something in his eyes to take hold on, and he saw a small glimt of satisfaction under severe eyebrows.   
  
"Yes! Please forgive me Hyung, please, please let me..."   
  
The older suddenly angled his hips better and guided Jaehyun back to his leaking cock. Jaehyun took him in in an instance, sucking eagerly like it was the only thing he was capable of doing. He felt completely undermined - humiliated, really, but if it made Taeyong feel better about himself it was definitely worth it.   
  
The older moaned and stroked Jaehyun over his bulging cheek.   
  
"God, how could I not forgive you when you're down on your knees looking so freaking hot"   
  
Jaehyun couldn't deny that he thought Taeyong's sudden change of moods was awfully weird, and somewhere deep down, under the humiliation he knew was a part of the act, he felt a little bit genuinely uncomfortable. He dropped the thought quickly as Taeyong's hips jerked more forcefully into his mouth. He was breathing hard, still looking down at the younger brownhaired man. It seemed like the older got off by forcing Jaehyun to beg for forgiveness – showing him where his true place were, which was wrapped around his little finger like a weak whiny bitch. Jaehyun couldn’t determine if it made him simply more scared of Taeyong’s darker sides or, well, just ridiculously turned on.  
  
"Jae, just... Just so you know i think i'm gonna come" He grabbed hold of Jaehyun's shoulders and pushed him away just the slightest.   
  
Despite that, the younger didn't leave his position and grabbed Taeyong's hips hard.   
  
"It's okay, it's okay" he mumbled with Taeyong's cock still in his mouth, and he finished him off by a few tight sucks and some licks around the the sensitive grooves. The older whimpered as he came straight into Jaehyun's throat, knees getting weak and shaky.   
  
While he came down from his high, Jaehyun swallowed it all in one go and let the running water cleanse his face. He's forgiven, that's what's most important. The boy seems fine, alright? He didn't ruin him. _He still wants me._ Why was he still so scared?  
  
Jaehyun was still on his knees, feeling somewhat drained. He grabbed hold of the older's lean white thigh and rubbed his hand over it. It was so smooth, so very unlike his own.  
  
"Jae..." Taeyong said, his gaze heavy with primal want. He had one hand still on Jaehyun's shoulder, while the second was traveling somewhere behind him.   
  
The young doctor was still horribly tired, so he managed to only look at the lean body in front of him, tracing one hand lazily along his tattoo, the other claiming his thigh. If it wasn't for his still swollen arousal he would probably have fallen asleep there and then.   
  
Taeyong's breathing was still laboured, and it wasn't until Jaehyun noticed how he was fingering himself he realized that they weren't done for the day.   
  
"Hyunnie…” he whined through biting his lip.   
  
The way Taeyong's right arm’s shiny muscles flexed and glistened when pleasuring himself made Jaehyun forget all about his fears – and eventually he got hold of himself and got up back to his feet. He groaned and grabbed Taeyong’s waist hard, forcing him back against the wall. Soon he met Taeyong's lips in a slow but lewd kiss. The older's lips had got cold under the constantly running water, so Jaehyun turned the heat on a little more, determined to warm the skinny body under him up.  
  
This has been an eventful evening, Jaehyun thought in the middle of Taeyong showing his tongue down the depths of Jaehyun's mouth.   
_  
But emotionally exhausting._ He couldn't get a grip around what was happening. Were they okay now? Was Taeyong still resentful? What the fuck was that mood swing about, forcing Jaehyun to beg for forgiveness in the middle of… of all this?  And not to forget - what role did Jaehyun's car play in this drama?   
  
"Give it to me" Taeyong breathed into Jaehyun's mouth, lifting his arms firmly around the younger's neck.  
  
“I’m so turned on I’m literally wet everywhere” He whined, trying to press his body even closer to the older.  
Jaehyun forced his down between their bellies to check on his hard-on, pumping it a few times to make it completely erect.  
  
“I don’t have any lube here” He mouthed against Taeyong’s neck.  
  
“Fuck just take anything really, I don’t care” The older hissed and clawed at Jaehyun’s back with one hand.  
Jaehyun looked around and saw a tube of conditioner. He coated himself in with it and hoped there wouldn’t be too many chemicals to irritate the sensitive mucosa. Then he hoisted the smaller man up against the wall, keeping him up by his thighs alone. Taeyong instantly wrapped his legs around Jaehyun’s waist and clung to his neck.  
  
Jaehyun had to trust that the older had worked himself enough, and he angled himself properly to be able to press his tip inside the other.  
  
Taeyong weezed and threw his head back against the tile wall.  
  
Soon he was buried inside him, letting himself glide in and out of the other man moaning and cursing in a quite vulgar way. It felt just as fabulous as the first time, and his tiredness helped him dive into his very own bubble just consisting of the building satisfaction inside him and the other man’s beautiful face and noises. He knew he wouldn’t have strength to keep this position for ages, so he sped up as much as the other man allowed him to. Soon Taeyong was bouncing hard against both the wall and Jaehyun’s dick, falling deeper and deeper as his body gave in to the stretch. They fucked wordlessly, the water still running hotly against their probably by new feverish bodies. The ride was slick and nice, and by the sounds of it the older didn’t have any problems with pain at all – on then he enjoyed the pain and concealed it behind sounds of pleasure. _Pain is good_ , Jaehyun thought, _Pain makes you value the small pleasures of life_ , and he dug his nails deeper into the soft flesh of Taeyong’s thighs. To those thoughts the younger forgot about his own sore thighs and tired arms, and focused fully and completely on pounding the boy into oblivion.  
  
Eventually the burning pressure in his lower stomach grew too intense to contain, and without warning he released his load deep inside the other, swearing something incoherently. He didn’t know how the other had been able to get hard enough to cum again so quickly, but when he finally lifted the boy off him he noticed thas his belly too still had remaints of white secretion that the running water still hadn’t washed away.  
  
“You make this feel so good, Jaehyun…You’re so good ” Taeyong whined with closed eyes against Jaehyun’s shoulder.  
  
“I try to” Jaehyun replied groggily, and released his hold on the other man when he was sure he was able to stand on his own feet.  
  
They had been in the shower for almost an hour. They let the water wash the remains of sweat and cum off them, before Jaehyun turned it off and stepped outside on shaky legs.  
  
“I’m ridiculously tired” He mumbled while handing Taeyong the towel he originally wanted to give him quite innocently. The older nodded and brushed his hair out of his face.  
  
“Go to bed. I’ll be right there.” He planted a soft, wet kiss on Jaehyun’s swollen lips before letting the brunette leave the bathroom.  
  
Jaehyun managed to set his alarm before falling asleep in his bed, completely unaware of the fact that Taeyong later snuggled up close to him, pressing his back against Jaehyun’s chest and falling asleep under a heavy arm.

What a mad roller-coaster.


	10. Chapter 10

20.12  
_Can I ask you something?  
_  
  
Jaehyun was at home, watching some show from netflix but mostly scrolling his phone. The memory of waking up next to a warm, slimmer body earlier the same day was constantly being played through his mind. Jaehyun had did his best to be as quiet as possible when leaving the apartment, making sure there was some juice and breakfast out on display  on the kitchen table for the older when he finally woke up. It felt weird leaving the apartment knowing the other was still there, soundly sleeping under his covers in Jaehyun’s very own bed.  
  
Around lunch he had got a text from Taeyong thanking him for the breakfast. Jaehyun had been pleased to find his kitchen spotless with plate and cutlery having been washed and dried as evidence of the other’s morning activities.

He was used to having a domestic relationship, but with a new person there was always a bunch of new routines to get accustomed to, and with Taeyong, he felt like he had to watch his every step as not to mess it up again for the older boy.  
  
It got harder and harder to push away the uneasy memory of Taeyong being pissed off in the shower, since he simply couldn’t decide if it was just a part of an act of dominance or a dramatic, unexplainable mood swing. The thought kept making an appearance in his mind regularly regardless of his tries to forget about it.

So eventually he had to ask.  
  
20.18 Taeyongie  
_Hey Hyunnie~ what is it?_  
  
The older was supposed to have practice today. With ears pink from embarrassment Jaehyun wondered if Taeyong was still able to dance after what happened yesterday.

  
20.20  
_It’s about yesterday. Based on your behavior I have a hard time deciding if you’re still mad at me or not. You have every right to be pissed at me still but, I just kinda want to know?  
_  
Jaehyun cringed at how clumsily he spoke, but he didn’t really know any better way. He didn’t want to pretend everything was completely okay in case the other still thought things were not.  
  
Taeyong didn’t answer directly. He read the message, stayed online for two minutes before apparently putting away his phone. Jaehyun felt the knot tightening inside his chest once again – God, he was so hard to read!  
  
The older replied way later.

20.56 Taeyongie  
_i don't think so._  
  
He doesn't think so? Jaehyun sighed deeply. Of course he doesn't since his mood swings so unexpectedly. But that's too vague, way too thin for someone as overanalyzing as Jaehyun to be content with.   
  
He better put it straight.  
  
21.03  
_Did I do something wrong while we were in the shower? You looked like you wanted to punch me or something_  
  
21.05 Taeyongie  
_No, no... Sorry I guess the hormones got to my head, I really don't know what happened  
_  
So he just randomly remembered that he was angry at Jaehyun while he was giving him a blow job? Like what the fuck? They ate dinner and everything was a domestic bliss until that?   
  
Jaehyun bit his tongue and swallowed his anger. Maybe it's better to just forget about this. Taeyong got his on-the-knees apology so maybe it won't happen again. It was probably just a one time thing, right?  Otherwise Jaehyun will have to adjust his approach to having sex, but sure, he’ll do it too if that’s what Taeyong needs.  
  
21.08  
_It's okay baby. You don't need to know. Just tell me if you’re angry._  
  
And that was the truth of it. Taeyong didn't need to know. Not knowing is a very real feeling and enough anxiety-bringing on its own.   
  
Jaehyun put his phone down. It's not worth pushing it further. _He'll come to me when he misses me, just like yesterday_. But he just hated the feeling of not having an ounce of control in this business.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
A few days went past. Jaehyun went to the University Hospital to discuss a possible residency at the department of internal medicine. The idea of becoming a pediatrician didn’t appeal to him like it did before. A pediatrician in his eyes was someone wise and pure and trustworthy, someone both children and parents could rely on in every situation. Recently, he had started to feel quite the opposite; more like stupid and corrupt – nothing like the ideals he used to imagine he possessed. His conscience didn’t allow him to apply for the pediatric program, at least not now. Obviously he didn’t mean that internal medicine was in any way lesser than pediatrics –  Internal medicine was a good base for many different specializations – and it could be a fun couple of years considering how Johnny was going to be a resident there too. He just felt that he wasn’t ready to take on the journey of pediatrics just yet.  
  
It didn’t take many days before Jaehyun heard the good news. He got the residency, and he could start his new job as soon as he was done at the health care center.  A wave of relief washed over him – yes, he made it to the hospital – he hadn’t fucked up completely yet. He could be a good, moral doctor in the end, and eventually people would forget that he used to be a certain Lee Taeyong’s G.P. at the local health care center.

He thought about telling Taeyong. They hadn’t chatted much lately. Everything was still kinda strained, even though they left each other on good terms last time. He just didn’t know if he wanted them to be casually texting at the moment or not, so he preferred to wait for him to send the first message. Of course they had talked a little – generic _good nights_ and _how are you_ ’s. Taeyong was busy with some exam again (apparently he really tried his best to get his degree done – maybe to prove a point?). He had told him how he fell asleep with his books, and how he now got bruises from where his arm was lying against the hard book cover. “ _I swear the books were so heavy I woke up believing it was you lying next to me”_ he had said.   
  
Not wanting to feel anxious in this happy moment, he decided to text Johnny instead about the good news. Not surprisingly, his older colleague called him immediately to congratulate.  
  
_“Sorry I need to whisper because I’m on call for the night”_ He said after having whispered him about ten congratulations from his small office at the emergency. “ _You’re gonna love It here. I have two medical students following me around like lost puppies. They think I’m God”_  
  
“They think you actually know something” Jaehyun chuckled.  
  
_“I think one of them have a crush on me after I converted a simple fibrillation back to sinus rhythm”_  
  
“Sure they do. Go back to work now”  
  
_“Yes see you on Friday!!!”_  
  
  
  
  
They decided to go out for dinner on Friday, to celebrate that they won’t be separated for very long after all. Jaehyun was lucky to have such a good friend as Johnny. Of course he had some other friends too, but most of them spread out around the country after finishing medical school, making it hard to keep contact. Other’s had wife and children and dogs and therefore didn’t have any time to spare to see old friends on a Friday night.  Johnny was single for a fact (too busy, too picky, don’t know) and didn’t have any obligations to spend his Fridays somewhere else than on a dinnerdate with a guyfriend.  
  
Johnny had wanted to see his new car but due to plans of drinking Jaehyun had left it home. After coming over the initial shock Jaehyun was actually pleasantly surprised by his sudden purchase – his new car was way easier to park now since it wasn’t ridiculously broad like his former car.  
  
“That former car of yours was a waste on you – I would have gotten so many hot chicks with it” Johnny said when they were drinking wine at a new so called _trendy_ bar (In Jaehyun’s opinion tacky).  
  
“Is it so hard to get girls now-a-days?” Jaehyun teased.  
  
“No, I got loads of them” The other said and crossed his arms.  
  
“That med school student of yours?”  
  
“God, no! She’s like 19 or something. Jeez Jaehyun, I have some dignity”  
  
“The nurses?”  
  
“Mhmm, the nurses are _fine_ ” Johnny nodded eagerly and exaggerated the last word. “There’s this one girl who always has her hair tied up with-”  
  
Jaehyun laughed and sipped on his drink, not really listening to Johnny’s blabbering about some poor nurse. They had been eating and drinking for a few hours now, and he was now in that state of sweet mellowness, feeling relaxed and at ease with everything around him. Even the music wasn’t too bad.  
  
“Hey, Jaehyun”  
  
He didn’t know for how long Johnny had been talking about girls.  
  
“Yeah, sorry, I got lost in thought”  
  
“Ain’t that that patient-boyfriend of yours? Didn’t you go on a date and all?”  
  
Jaehyun froze and looked in the direction that Johnny discretely pointed at.  
  
indeed, there he was, the black haired handsome man with his hair drawn loosely back, wearing skintight jeans and a white top that revealed enough to make Jaehyun both awfully jealous and turned on. He was standing at the bar with a group of three guys and two girls, all dressed in equally tight clothing to reveal their toned bodies. Dancers, for sure.  
  
Jaehyun just stared at him, lifting a glass of something to his sensual lips. One of the girls was having her arm around his waist, laughing loudly at whatever shit they were talking about. Taeyong wasn’t laughing however, but apparently concentrating on what the dude next to him had to say.  
  
 Apparently said dude noticed Jaehyun’s staring, since he gently nudged Taeyong’s side and whispered something to him, making him turn his head in Jaehyun’s direction.  
His eyes searched the room for a while before finding Jaehyun’s surprised face.  
  
Taeyong’s eyes crinkled when a wide smile spread across his face. He pushed the girls hand away and came up towards Jaehyun’s and Johnny’s table without saying anything to his surprised friends.  
  
“It is totally him” Johnny whispered, stating the obvious like the Sherlock he was.  
  
Taeyong’s smile faltered a little when he noticed Johnny on the other side of Jaehyun’s table.  
  
“Hey, Jaehyun! What are you doing here?” The older said, glancing at Johnny from the corner of his eye.  
  
Jaehyun felt instantly incredibly uncomfortable. How were they supposed to greet each other in this situation? Should he stand up? Should he just sit down and act like some discourteous a-hole? And what about Johnny and all the other people-… He felt a sharp pain in his shinbone when Johnny apparently kicked him under the table.

 _Collect yourself._  
  
Jaehyun got up to his feet and opened up his arms to embrace the older in a very friendly manner. Just bro’s, you know. A slight lift of one eyebrow was seen as Taeyong leaned in for the hug, however sneaking in a wet kiss on Jaehyun’s cheek, undoubtedly seen to Johnny and the rest of the people interested. Jaehyun’s cheeks turned crimson red in an instant. A hand lingered on Jaehyun’s forearm as they broke up.  
  
“You wanna sit or…?” Jaehyun said awkwardly.  
  
Taeyong looked in his friends direction and nodded vaguely.  
  
“Yeah, for a bit”  
  
They sat down next to each other, and to Jaehyun’s both horror and arousal he felt a warm leg press up against his own – way too tightly considering their surroundings.  
  
He saw Johnny shooting him an outrageously teasing look.  
  
“Uhm, yeah, this is Johnny, we are here celebrating my new job. Eh, Johnny, This is Taeyong, I’ve.. uhm-…”  
  
Johnny saved him by pushing out a hand in Taeyong’s direction in a quite western fashion.  
  
“Nice to meet you, Taeyong-ssi”  
  
Taeyong grabbed his hand hesitantly, but shook it politely while bowing his head.  
   
“Likewise”  
  
Jaehyun saw Taeyong staring at Johnny’s figure, scanning his clothing, noticing his height, seeing the flirtatious laughing eyes on Johnny’s handsome face. A timidity lay over Taeyong’s every move.  
  
“Oh, yeah, Johnny’s my friend and former _as well as_ future colleague” Jaehyun quickly added.  
  
Taeyong let out a breath he probably didn’t know he was holding. “Oh, okay, cool”.  
  
Jealousy? Really?   
  
Jaehyun looked at the bar. “Those your friends from the Academy?”  
  
“Uhm, yeah, we’re just out partying, we wanted to try this new club out”  
  
Jaehyun saw how Taeyong’s hand was slowly climbing up his knee, clutching at the thick fabric of Jaehyun’s blue jeans.  
  
“Did you have your exam already?” Oh god he sounded like he was his uncle or something.  
  
“I had it today, I hope it went well” the older said. His little finger was drawing circles on Jaehyun’s knee.  
  
Johnny cleared his voice. “What are you studying, Taeyong-ssi?”  
  
The boy withdrew his hand instantly from Jaehyun’s knee, like he had already forgotten about the presence of the other doctor in front of him. “Pharmacology”  
  
“Oh cool,  Jaehyun here screws up prescriptions all the time so he would certainly need a hand in that area. Hope you graduate quickly!” Johnny totally earned a hateful look from Jaehyun at this point.  
  
“Uhm, yes, I’ve been on my last year for four years now so … Hopefully this is the year I’ll finally get the degree”  
   
“Really? How old are you? You look so young”  
  
“Johnny, please” Jaehyun kicked his leg under the table to make him stop asking awkward questions.  
  
Taeyong ignored the squirming Jaehyun next to him, apparently pleased to be involved with Jaehyun’s friends.  
  
“I’m 26”. Jaehyun saw how Taeyong glanced towards the bar, where his own friends were watching their interaction.   
  
Johnny did a whistling sound and looked at Jaehyun, probably thinking something equally stupid that Jaehyun didn’t want any part of.  
  
“Sorry for Johnny here, he’s drunk”. He heard Johnny starting to protest but he kicked his leg lightly again, making the older shut up. “Go back to your friends, they’re waiting. I’ll talk to you later”. He got up to his feet, grabbed hold of the older man’s toned arm (shivering, because while doing so he could look straight down Taeyong’s top) and pulled him up to his feet again.  
  
“Oh, yeah, I guess I should. Nice to meet you, Johnny-nim” Taeyong said and bowed lightly, before stepping away from the table. He grabbed Jaehyun’s wrist and yanked at it gently.    
  
“A few words?”  
  
Jaehyun nodded and stepped a little aside from the table were Johnny was waiting with such an annoying face Jaehyun wanted to punch him.  
  
“When did you get a new job?” Taeyong asked innocently, hand still tight around Jaehyun’s wrist.  
  
“Last Wednesday. I got a residency at the Hospital”  
  
“Oh, wow, congratulations! Why didn’t you tell me?”  
  
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to text you”  
  
Taeyong looked a little hurt.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“In case you were still angry”  
  
“Oh”  
  
“It’s not like you told me how your exam went either” Jaehyun said with some sting around the edges.  
  
“Mmm”  
  
They looked awkwardly at each other’s feet for a while, before taking a breath to say something, unfortunately exactly at the same time as the other.  
  
“I think-”  
  
“Do you-“  
  
Taeyong laughed nervously and fingercombed his hair, releasing his grip of Jaehyun. _God he’s sexy,_ he thought when his eyes got fixed on Taeyong’s toned arm flexing during the movement _._ Jaehyun wanted to grab his waist and slam him against the wall immediately, and kiss him like there was no tomorrow at this stupid club where no-one needed to care about them. But unfortunately there were six pairs of eyes observing their every movement, and all of them cared.  
  
Jaehyun gathered his courage and touched the older’s upper-arm gently.  
“You look really good tonight. I like those pants” He said hesitantly, glancing down at the other one’s mile long legs.  
  
Sparks lit up in Taeyong’s dark eyes. The older leaned in, dangerously close. “You wanna take them off later?” He purred into Jaehyun’s ear.  
  
Jaehyun swallowed and stepped away a little. “Hmm. Yeah. Hey, let’s talk later. I need to go back”  
  
Taeyong pulled back and crossed his arms a little disappointed. “Let’s talk later”.  
  
The younger nodded and turned back to go sit at Johnny’s table again. He exhaled slowly when he eventually sat down, and took a big sip of his glass.  
  
  
  
  
Johnny snapped his fingers annoyingly in front of his face, probably burning inside to question his friend.  
When Jaehyun finally put his glass down and looked Johnny in his eyes the older dared to open his mouth.  
  
“So exactly HOW serious are you two?”  
  
The younger rolled his eyes. “Wasn’t it obvious? Not that serious.”  
  
Johnny glanced in the direction of the bar while emptying his glass. Jaehyun didn’t even dare to look at the group of dancers. What if they were laughing at him?  
  
Johnny turned his eyes back on Jaehyun.  
  
“He’s sexy”, he said with a huge grin.  
  
Jaehyun cringed but yes, he couldn’t deny that he had been staring. “Yes he is. Johnny, will you stop now?”  
  
“So, are you guys dating, or did you date but decided not to pursue it, or are you just sleeping together, or…”  
  
Jaehyun grabbed hold of the older’s wrist. “Johnny, please keep it down, he used to be my patient”  
  
“Wow, okay, don’t snap at me! Thanks for reminding me of that small inconvenient detail”  
  
The younger buried his face in his hands and groaned. “oh shit...”

Johnny and Jaehyun ordered in more drinks in an effort to stop making the younger feels so awkward. It might also have been just a sneaky way for Johnny to make Jaehyun talk, but it worked, since the younger eventually spilled most of it out for the older doctor to hear. He told him about their date, about their texting, about the nice stuff and the weird stuff. He lied a white lie about Ho-Sub (telling Johnny how he just gave him his car, not the money) and skipped the intimate parts, but despite that he felt relieved to be able to share his heart’s content with his best friend. Johnny listened like the nice guy he is and actually toned down on his usually witty remarks. Jaehyun knew it is risky, telling these things to a colleague who could easily report him to administration, but this was his friend, and Johnny would never.  Jaehyun and Taeyong hadn’t done anything wrong other than having met in the wrong circumstances.  
  
Two hours later Jaehyun started to wonder what the older was up to. He hadn’t been walking past their table at least. Jaehyun spotted one of the girls from the dance team about 15 minutes ago so at least he might still be here. He checked his phone nervously, waiting for a message of some sort.  
  
“Did you agree to meet up?” Johnny asked curiously when Jaehyun was checking his phone again.  
  
”Maybe. Don’t know.”  
  
Johnny punched him lightly on his arm.  
  
”You wanna go look at the dance floor?”  
  
“Nah, I’m kind of tired” Jaehyun lied. He didn’t really want to go in case Taeyong was busy with his friends and hadn’t contacted Jaehyun yet for that reason. Johnny however rolled his eyes and sighed demonstratively.  
“Lies” Johnny said and got up way too fast, hitting his head in the lamp above the table. He swore and rubbed the back of his head.  
   
“You’re too tall” Jaehyun commented neutrally.  
  
“Fuck you let’s go” the other groaned and pulled Jaehyun up by his arm. Jaehyun almost stumbled by the force of it, and saw that resisting would be futile. A slight nervousness was making his feet wobbly despite the alcohol in his blood, or, maybe, because of it? He knew for sure that his dancing wasn’t gonna be too graceful.  
  
  


They dance floor was crowded, and Jaehyun saw it best to press his back against the wall to have a better view of the room. Johnny shouted something inaudible in his ear.  
  
“WHAT?”  
  
“CAN YOU SEE HIM?”  
  
Jaehyun shook his head. The music was awfully loud.

”I’m gonna get a beer” Johnny slurred and left Jaehyun standing awkwardly up against the wall.  
  
The dance floor was crowded, full of sweaty, young people, dressed in fancy blazers and tiny dresses barely covering anything at all. Girls were wearing everything from skyhigh heels to running shoes - Some of the guys looked like they’d come straight out of an Italian tailor shop, other like they’d been partying for 48 hours straight. Jaehyun liked the diversity – this club was apparently still so new it hadn’t been profiled according to some certain image yet. But despite that, he didn’t feel like he fitted in.  Even though it was fun observing people, Jaehyun felt like one of those creepy guys trying to pick out his next victim to harass on the dance floor. _I’m too old for this,_ he thought, and lowered his gaze to his own feet. At least mentally.  
  
He had been studying intensely for about 7 years or so, missing out on being young and crazy. He never got in to the club scene. Most of his dates he had met through dating apps or university anyway. He shifted his weight restlessly, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable in his own skin.  Maybe he should tell Johnny that he would rather continue their conversation around the table again. The music was so loud he could barely hear his own thoughts! And if Johnny wanted to dance with one of those flashy girls Jaehyun could just as well go home to sleep, damnit. Where was he, anyway? Surely it couldn’t take that long to get two beers from the bar.

  
Suddenly he saw a pair of black sneakers stepping up awfully close to his own shoes. He inhaled sharply, feeling panic for a split second, before recognizing the man in front of him by his smell, his height, his impossibly dark eyes and the way his long fingers grabbed at his arms. Taeyong leaned in and sucked the thin skin on Jaehyun’s neck between his teeth. Jaehyun tried to move away beneath him but the older tightened the grip on his arms and pressed his body against Jaehyun’s.  
  
“Hi” he whispered soundlessly, before continuing placing wet kisses on Jaehyun’s cheek instead. The younger exhaled hard and squirmed a little.  
  
“Taeyongie-Hyung, hey, I was looking for you” Jaehyun shouted, not knowing if the other heard it or not.  
  
The older released the grip of him and cupped his cheek with one hand instead. He had been dancing for sure, since his skin was hot and clammy, black hair sticking against his forehead. Jaehyun wished he would have been able to watch. Who had he been dancing with? Had someone else had their hands on his narrow waist?  
  
“Why didn’t you come find me earlier” He breathed just inches from Jaehyun. The younger swallowed hard, thinking, slowly giving in to his own desires, melting into the older man’s hot touch. They were surrounded by strangers here, no-one would care, no-one knew – only Johnny, and Johnny would understand.

Jaehyun let his hands wander down to Taeyong’s waist, feeling the hot warmth under his palms. He had tucked the top in under the hem of his pants, otherwise the younger might have let his fingers travel beneath it. He noticed how Taeyong’s piercing shone through the tight, thin top.  
  
“I didn’t want to disturb you dancing with your friends” Jaehyun murmured right next to Taeyong’s ear when the song was having a quieter part.  
  
Taeyong smiled and leaned in to kiss him softly on the mouth. All Jaehyun’s neurons were on call as a wave of both excitement and fear spread out from the back of his head to the rest of his body. Letting this man kiss him openly was something he had both yearned and dreaded for, not knowing if the gratifying feeling of public belonging overcame the fear of being recognized as dr. Jung and his former patient. But then again, what were the odds of his seniors or one of the nurses being here in this club just at this exact moment? And even though Taeyong generally was awfully recognizable his change of hair color surely hid his identity as Dr. Jung’s pink haired patient more than well.  
  
So Jaeyun decided to let his fears go, and kissed him back happily.  
  
“You wouldn’t have disturbed us. I’m sure my friends would like you. I could have introduced you” Taeyong said against his ear.  
  
Jaehyun shivered. He wanted to introduce him to his friends? As what? As the guy he’s dating? The thought of being introduced to Taeyong’s edgy, cool friends scared the living shit out of him. It’s probably just delusional thinking that Taeyong’s friends would like him; they’d think he’s some lame vanilla guy from some dusty university or… well, worse, that he’s paying Taeyong for his company. No, no way, he wasn’t ready for anything like that – at least not until they’re actually _something_ – something worth saying out loud.

Jaehyun shook his head with a shy smile, before closing the gap between them again to forget the scary picture of Taeyong’s friends judging him to bits. Instead he focused on the warmth under his hands and that alluring scent with its sweet taste. He focused on how he must angle his face a little to reach down to Taeyong's lips due to their slight height difference. Having the height advantage made him feel just a little bit stronger than what he actually was – the exact opposite to what he felt with his tall degrading ex.

  
One of Taeyong's hands went down to shamelessly grab Jaehyun's ass, in which the younger bit his bottom lip playfully in response. Jaehyun couldn’t hold back his smiling against the kiss – he was enjoying this sudden make out session way too much. It felt so liberating and healing to be open like this, showing the rest of the club that it is okay for a certain Jung Jaehyun to kiss a Lee Taeyong.   
  
Suddenly Jaehyun sees Johnny in the corner of his eye. He was a little further away from the crowd, waving in Jaehyun’s direction like a madman. Jaehyun instantly breaks the kiss and releases his hold on the boy. He mouths “Johnny!” when Taeyong’s eyes go wide with confusion.  
  
_Johnny, I can’t leave him hanging_ , his instinct of loyalty told him, and he grabs Taeyong’ hand and pulls him after him towards Johnny. The older didn’t questiong him (well, it was too loud to hear) and tightened his hold in Jaehyun’s hand as affirmation.  
  
  
  
  
After elbowing their way out of the crowd they finally reached Johnny. The taller man was holding two beers in his hands, standing next to a girl in a chiq jumpsuit. Even Jaehyun could tell she was pretty in her long blonde hair.  
  
“Hey! God it was hard getting your attention!” Johnny smirked. A blush tints Jaehyun’s cheeks pink. How much had he seen? After all, Jaehyun had been face to face with Taeyong for the past 10 minutes.  
  
“Taeyong-ssi, good to see you again! You want a beer? I can get a new one for myself”  
  
Taeyong lowered his head slightly and declined politely. Jaehyun took the beer instead and raised the glass in Johnny’s direction. He almost didn’t notice when Taeyong’s arm came sneaking up around his waist, pulling in close, almost hiding  behind Jaehyun’s taller frame.  
  
“Well then. Cheers!” Johnny continued merrily. The girl next to him, with her own drink in her hand, was looking straight at Taeyong. Jaehyun could tell it was anything but an innocent glare.

   
Johnny drank eagerly from his tall glass before grabbing the girl by her waist.  
  
“This is Seonhee, we met at the bar”  
  
“Seonhwa” The girl corrected him. She crossed her arms and gave Johnny a sour look, before putting her attention on the couple ahead of them instead.  She looked at Jaehyun indifferently for a split second before addressing Taeyong directly.    
  
“You’re Lee Taeyong right? I follow your on Instagram”. Her sour look changed to something sickly sweet, and she smiled alluringly and brushed her hair out of her face.  
  
The older boy tensed up but bowed politely. “Uhm, Yes, I am. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you”  
  
Seonhwa kept playing with her hair while analyzing the honestly speaking drop dead sexy but insecure boy, doing his best to hide next to Jaehyun.  
  
“My little sister is madly in love with you. She’d kill me if she knew I met you here” She said with a laughter.  
  
Jaehyun got triggered by the awfully flirty tone in her voice. Hadn’t she seen them clinging to each other at the dance floor? Did she fail to notice the way Taeyong’s hands kept digging into Jaehyun’s waist?  
  
Taeyong looked awkwardly down at his own feet with cheeks burning red. “I’m flattered, thank you”  
  
Seonhwa pulled out from Johnny’s limp hold (I guess he knew it was a lost case when he failed to remember her name) and reached out to touch Taeyong’s arm instead.  
  
“You wanna go dance?” She said seductively.  
  
Impossibly dark eyes blinked a few times, staring the girl straight in the eyes _. What if he says yes_ , Jaehyun panicked. I mean, she looks like a girl who can dance. Why wouldn’t he want to dance with her, it’s his passion after all? And what would it mean anyway? It’s just dancing, but she surely has something else on her mind too, so _what if he says yes…  
_  
“No thank you. I’m with him”  
  
Now it was the girl’s turn to blink stupidly for a second or two. Then she scoffed, thanked Johnny for the drink and strutted away to God knows where. Jaehyun almost felt a bit bad for being this relieved before realizing the significance of the thing Taeyong had said.  
  
 Johnny sighed and looked after her and her swaying hips walking angrily away from them.  
“Can’t believe your boyfriend took my girl, Jaehyun” He said sarcastically.  
  
Jaehyun ignored the comment and squirmed his way out of Taeyong’s grip.  
  
“Why did you say that??” He snarled at the older.  
  
”I wanted to get rid of her?”  
  
“She knows you! What if she calls you out on social media?”  
  
”What, for being with another guy? It would hardly be a surprised for my followers to find out I’m gay”  
  
Jaehyun sighed and turned to Johnny, who was giggling like an overgrown school girl.  Jaehyun shot him an apologetic glance, making Johnny try to drown his giggle with beer.  
  
“Sorry Johnny hyung…”  
  
“Bah, she was obnoxious as shit. And not nearly as cute as you two” Johnny teased.  
  
”We’re not…”  
  
“I don’t care. Hey, I know an old friend from high school is sitting in the lounge area, I promised to come say hi. So, I’ll leave you to it, do your thing. Text me Jaehyun if you leave” Johnny said and does his signature, horrendously cheesy wink.  
  
“Sure…” His colleague says while watching Johnny nodding in Taeyong’s direction before leaving the couple.  
  
Jaehyun let’s out a huge sigh of relief by how cool Johnny was about all this. Johnny knew about their thing already from before, and he didn’t seem too bothered with seeing them together either. Jaehyun could work with that –  it was nice to know there was at least one person he didn’t need to hide his love life from.  
  
He suddenly remembered how much dread he had felt upon hearing Taeyong talking about meeting up with his friends – how was _he_ doing with having to withstand Johnny flirtatious self?  
  
The older man was looking at him with some seriousness in his eyes. It wasn’t an angry serious – just pure sincerity. Jaehyun doubted he had any promille of alcohol in his blood anymore, and he suspected the other man wasn’t that intoxicated either. But something about this situation, having a beer in his hand in a loud, cheesy club, made it feel more okay to be a little bold. In these types of situations he could always blame the alcohol if thing’s went south.  
  
“You wanna talk?” He asked.  
  
Taeyong smiled slightly and nodded.

Jaehyun grabs Taeyong's hand for the second time that night, and they walked wordlessly away from the bar. They entered the lounge area and saw that all the booths were full.   
  
"Let's go outside" Jaehyun nodded against the sign that indicated there's a smoking area close by. They walked out into a cloud of heavy tarfilled smoke. The cynicism in Jaehyun tells him to thank the smokers for providing him with enough work for a lifetime. Jaehyun pulled Taeyong further around the corner until they saw a quieter spot next to a staff door.  
  
Jaehyun turns to Taeyong without saying anything and kisses him sweetly.   
  
"Sorry about Johnny"   
  
"He's fine" the older says between their kisses.   
  
Jaehyun pulls him close by the hip, and their light kisses turn into an embrace. The older nuzzles his nose against Jaehyun's neck, while Jaehyun runs his palm over Taeyong's back in big, smooth patterns.   
  
"Are you still angry with me?" he finally asks after contemplating a long time if he should or shouldn’t bring the issue up again.  
  
The older shakes his head gently, tickling Jaehyun's neck with his bangs.  
  
"No, I don’t think-… No, I’m not"  
   
Jaehyun exhales.  "Okay. Thank you". He decided to settle with that answer.  
  
One of the older’s hands go into Jaehyun's hair and begins to play with the thick strands. It feels really nice, and Jaehyun lets out a content sigh, hugging Taeyong a little  bit tighter.  
   
"Jae, what are we doing?"   
  
It’s an expected question. It’s something Jaehyun’s been thinking about a lot himself too, but he still tense up by hearing Taeyong put this particular question into words. He knows exactly what he’s talking about, and he's surprised Taeyong is the one to ask it before him. After all, Jaehyun has been the one pining, waiting, longing - even breaking up with his ex for a chance of something magical.   
  
Some dude comes out from a door nearby, starteling him slightly, but he just walks away without minding them.   
  
Jaehyun looks nervously around. "I don't know, dating? Is that what you want?"  
Taeyong's eyes flickers emotionlessly over Jaehyun's face, making the younger feel kind of restless. "I really don't know how much of this you want"   
  
"I see" Taeyong mumbled, continuing fingercombing Jaehyun's hair.   
  
A little frustrated, Jaehyun continues. The older is so difficult to read it makes him stress.  
"Like, you make me dinner one night and then go without texting me for days. It’s hard to know if you want me to be a part of your everyday life or not, you know?"   
  
Taeyong twitched a little.   
  
"But you didn't tell me about your new job either? I mean you didn’t text me either"  
   
The younger sighed and averted his gaze to some dude smoking in the distance.   
  
"I guess not. Didn't want to disturb you"   
  
"Hyunnie, you wouldn't disturb me, you're my escape from real life"   
  
It was meant to be a compliment, but the comment still managed to hit Jaehyun somewhere deep down in his gut in a bad way.  
  
"What's wrong with real life? I am real"   
  
Taeyong looked at him with sad, honest eyes for a while before shaking his head and getting back to his normal protected self.   
"Forget about it. I like my life but you make it even better" He leaned in and kissed Jaehyun on the corner of his mouth, before continuing speaking.  
"I thought, maybe, we could be exclusive? Because, uhm, when I saw you with Johnny-nim... I kinda thought... Okay he's your friend right, I know that now, but… yeah, you know” He was visibly embarrassed.    
  
Jaehyun giggled out loud, fairly amused by Taeyong's sudden reveal of jealousy.  
  
"What? Babe, first of all, _my friend_ Johnny is your age, and second, yes" he had to stop to look down onto their feet for a while to calm himself down "Yes, you're all I have on my mind.  I’d love to be exclusive, that’s exactly what I was thinking as well, Hyung"   
  
Taeyong smiled coyly, not even trying to hide his blushing.   
  
"Then that’s than, then! Dating. Exclusively.” Taeyong said, cringing a little by his own words.  
  
"Yes! Like, That's... that’s great, wow, yeah” Jaehyun stammered, failing to hold back his dimpled smile. The older smiles back in response, poking one of Jaehyun’s dimples just because he can.

They must look stupid, two grown men grinning like school girls in each other’s arms. Luckily there aren’t many around, and for once, Jaehyun couldn’t care less about how he looks.  
  
Suddenly the older giggles, like he remembered something.  
He pulled Jaehyun’s hands down and grabbed them both with delicate fingers.  
  
“You know, you actually already offered me to move in with you, that’s kinda serious”  
  
Jaehyun cringes internally by the memory, still regretting how carelessly he asked the boy to move in.  
   
“Ah. Yeah. That. Well, the offer still stands if you change your mind”  
  
The older pouted and tilted his head to the side. "One thing at a time. We'll see".  
  
He was so pretty. His hair had dried up in the outside air, and the only thing left as evidence of hours of dancing was the glow on his face. Jaehyun couldn't believe he was lucky enough to be able to keep him all for himself - just for him to kiss, for his fingers to touch.  
He released their hands and put his arms around him again, wrapping him up tight against his chest. He wished Taeyong wasn't able to hear how hard his heart was beating underneath, but he knew he could hear it easily.  
  
So they were dating now, at least they established that much. The other had feelings for him too, there's no doubt about it, why would he otherwise ask for exclusivity? The sacrifices Jaehyun had made were totally worth it just based on the fact that Taeyong might actually like him back on a deeper level than just physical.  
  
The crown of black hair suddenly shook against his chest. He was coughing slightly again. Not much, but enough to make Jaehyun pull him tighter just a little.  
  
"You okay, Taeyongie-Hyung?" he asked while patting his messy hair.  
  
The other coughed a few times before gently shaking his head.  
  
"No"  
  
The eerie answer felt like an ice-cold wind suddenly creeping up against Jaehyun’s back.  
  
Jaehyun's voice cracked a little. “W-what?”  
  
“I just feel a little bit nauseous" Taeyong replied.  
  
Okay. That doesn't sound too bad. He had probably just had too many drinks, and it wouldn’t surprise him if Taeyong had decided to skip his dinner tonight on top of that. Feeling a bit nauseous at this stage was actually quite acceptable – it was the body’s sign of that it had had enough for the night. Some people tend to willingly or unwillingly ignore these signs and before they know it, they find them selves waking up in some ditch. Jaehyun kissed Taeyong’s hair softly.  
  
"Did you forget to have water between the drinks?"  
  
"Mmm, maybe" Taeyong mumbled against Jaehyun's shoulder.   
  
He had been drinking all night after all. Maybe he had taken some party drugs too? Jaehyun couldn't tell since his eyes were so impossibly dark it was hard to distinguish the size of his pupils in this light.  But he seemed sober enough to know what he was talking about.   
Jaehyun stroke his back soothingly, listening to his muffled breathing.   
  
"You want me to go get some water?"   
  
Taeyong pulled his head back a little so that he could look at the other.   
  
"No, I want to go home and sleep" He suddenly seemed a little restless, looking around the area mindlessly. "Could you call a cab for me, my phone is dead"   
  
"You wanna come to my place?"  ... And just because Jaehyun was worried about him.   
  
The older hesitated and looked down on the ground. "Uhm, I’m afraid I’m gonna throw up or something so i won't be the best company"   
  
Jaehyun smiled and kissed him thrice on his nose and his cheek and his mouth.  
"I don't care. Please let me take you home. I'll let you sleep"   
  
The older smiled a tightlipped smile, revealing a hidden dimple in his surprisingly squishy cheeks. "Okay. Take me home then, Hyunnie"  
  
  
  
  
  
After informing Johnny about going home (said man was busy with trying to pick up another girl with heels high enough to almost match his height) Jaehyun called a taxi to get them home. Taeyong seemed tired for real, since he dozed off multiple times against Jaehyun’s shoulder on the back seat of the car. It was almost 3 AM in the morning after all, so he had all the rights to be tired.  
  
After Jaehyun had paid the driver they rode wordlessly up the elevator to Jaehyun’s floor. Taeyong seemed at peace, head resting against Jaehyun’s chest while letting the younger embrace him securely. Jaehyun saw their reflection in the elevator mirror _. I look like a mess_ , he thought, and chose to focus on his own arms around the tiny frame resting against his chest. Taeyong was beautiful even from the back, Jaehyun mused. He had broad shoulders and a ridiculously tiny waist, just perfect for him to grip. His eyes wandered lower, and eventually he smiled at the memory of Taeyong’s cute and firm behind, however small it was. He bit his lip at the thought of Taeyong naked. Not tonight though, not tonight – he had promised to let the boy sleep.

Jaehyun made Taeyong drink a lot of water before letting him go to the bathroom to wash up. Jaehyun did a speed cleaning meanwhile, showing his spread out clothes back to his wardrobe and quickly filling the dishwasher up. He hoped his sheets were fresh enough, he wouldn't have time to change them without the older noticing his last minute efforts to hide the evidence of his mess. He decided to quickly change his pillow cover at least, and filled up a tall glass of water for the older on the nightstand.   
  
Jaehyun heard light steps walking towards his bedroom.   
A crown of messy black hair emerged through the door opening. He was topless, and Jaehyun blushed when his eyes glanced over the shining metal decorating one of his nipples. The memory of his teeth against the metal suddenly occupied Jaehyun's mind.   
  
"Could I borrow some shorts and a t-shirt?" He still had his tight jeans on, luckily  
.   
Jaehyun went straight to his wardrobe and picked out one of his favorite loose t-shirt and some shorts. They shorts were way too big however, and they would fall of the older man's hips in an instance.   
  
"I need to find some with drawstrings..." he mumbled and searched further in his wardrobe.   
  
"You almost have as many clothes as me" Taeyong laughed.   
  
Jaehyun finally found some shorts with drawstrings that might fit. He didn't know why he still had them since he knew they wouldn't probably go over his own butt anymore.   
  
He handed them over to Taeyong. "I'm sorry if they're too big"   
  
"They’re perfect"   
  
Jaehyun let him into the bedroom and went himself to the bathroom to wash up. He was sobering up, making him feel quite dizzy too. With a groan he suddenly remembered he had to go help his parents move some garden furniture around lunch the next day. He ran his hands through his hair, greasy from the wax and decided to take a quick shower. That's the least he could do for both Taeyong and his parents.   
  
By the time he returned to his bedroom Taeyong was already snoring under the covers. His jeans were folded neatly on the chair behind the bed. Jaehyun thought he looked adorable in his soft lightgreen shirt against his white sheets. He was glad he seemed to be alright - he hadn't complained about feeling ill after coming to Jaehyun's apartment.   
  
Jaehyun leaned against the door frame, just observing the sleeping boy. So here they were, him and Lee Taeyong, a dating couple, in his apartment. He shivered by hearing himself think the word "couple". It was hard to imagine that not too long ago he had shared this bed with a completely different man, but already after this short time, he was sure this beautiful man would make him a million times happier than the one before him did.  
  
Jaehyun would do everything right from now on. Heck, he'd do anything to keep Taeyong close to him. Seeing the boy breathe calmly under the covers, lips slightly opened, made Jaehyun feel so many different things inside him - one being a warm, fluttery feeling, one being pride, another being the need to protect and comfort. But there's also fear of rejection and losing. If this isn’t love, then what is?  
  
Jaehyun tiptoed to his usual side of the bed and crawled in under the cover. He tried to be as silent as he could, but as soon as the weight on the mattress changed Taeyong made a whining sound and frowned. Apparently he wasn't sleeping that deeply yet.  
  
"Jae?" he mumbled and lifted his head a little to check on the other.   
  
Jaehyun rolled in completely under the covers and closed in on the other, putting an arm over his waist.   
  
"Just sleep baby" Jaehyun replied.   
  
Taeyong hummed and turned around so he could face the other. His hand came up to stroke Jaehyun's wet hair out of his face. They were just inches apart, but even that felt like miles for Jaehyun, who wanted nothing more than to keep this beautiful man so close to him that they eventually became one.   
  
"I'm really tired but how could I sleep when you're here" Taeyong mumbled with a raspy voice, before closing the distance between them to kiss Jaehyun's lips gently. The sound of the kiss woke all of butterflies harboring in Jaehyun's stomach, and once again he felt completely and utterly enchanted by the power of this boy.  He knew he neither would nor could ever escape his spell, and he really didn't want to either.   
After the kiss ended, they ended up so close to each other that they breathing the same air.  Jaehyun felt a loving hand grabbing the back of his neck, and his own grip on Taeyong's waist tightened.   
  
"Jaehyun?"   
  
"Yes?"   
  
Taeyong's starry eyes were staring at Jaehyun's lips, and hesitantly he reach forward again to taste the younger's skin.  They kissed once, deeper this time, and parted with a slight sigh escaping Jaehyun's lips.   
  
Taeyong continued.   
"You do like me right?"   
  
Jaehyun felt a lump form in his throat. Of course he did. That was the surest thing Jaehyun knew about himself. Hadn't he made it clear enough? He didn’t doubt it, did he? " _Liking_ " is an understatement anyways, since the boy in fact owned his entire heart and being since a while ago. If Taeyong asked for it, Jaehyun would give his body and soul to him without questions. If Taeyong wanted to hear those three words, Jaehyun would say them, ingrave them, repeat them until every single person on this earth knew how much he loved him.   
  
"Taeyongie-hyung, I... like you so very much. I really do" He said, and kissed him on the corner of his mouth.   
  
He wished he could say more. He wished he could tell the truth about his feelings, but he couldn't, not just yet. Those words were like explosives anyway and shouldn’t be handled recklessly.    
  
Taeyong smiled timidly after Jaehyun was done kissing him.  
  
"Did you like me from the beginning?"   
  
Jaehyun didn’t hesitate to answer. "I was spellbound by you the moment I saw you outside my office, waiting for your first appointment. I didn't know it then, but I fell for you right from the start"  
  
The older pulled Jaehyun closer by his neck, and with a smile still playing on his lips he kissed him deeply and passionately, letting his tongue twirl slowly around Jaehyun's, pulling, teasing, until Jaehyun completely forgot how to breathe.   
  
He tasted fresh of menthol, mixed with some masculine smokiness that had got stuck on his skin from the club. His lips were plump from earlier but ever so soft, demanding to be licked. Even though Jaehyun's body wanted to grab him harder and climb on top of him, he fought the urge with persistence since he had promised Taeyong a quiet night of rest.  
  
Taeyong read him like an open book, and broke the kiss with a slight moan.  
  
“Jaehyunnie…  You make it so hard for me to just go to bed…”  
  
Jaehyun stroked him over his hair and shushed him with a wet smooch.  
  
“You said you were tired and feeling ill, you should be sleeping”  
  
“Yeah…” He breathed, before claiming Jaehyun’s lips again in an open mouthed hungry kiss.  
Jaehyun let the older man roll on top of him, and they made out in his bed for a good ten minutes. It was slow and passionate, and Jaehyun didn’t make any moves to touch him in ways that might lead further on. Just kissing like this was heavenly, and in a way he didn’t want to ruin this moment of pure affection with his desires of the flesh.  This was nice, just the way it was, and he believed that Taeyong agreed as well.  
  
“I’ve fallen so deep for you, doctor Jung…” Taeyong said when they parted to breathe, and that was the single best thing Jaehyun had heard in a long while.  
  
  
  
They fell asleep a while later, entangled in each other’s arms. Jaehyun slept so deeply he didn’t notice how Taeyong got up to go to the bathroom to throw up everything he had in his stomach some hour later. When he returned to bed he was having cold sweats and heart palpitations, contemplating if he should wake the younger up. Eventually he chose not to, afraid he'd freak Jaehyun out. It was probably nothing to worry about anyway... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh ... :O


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for this chapter being supersad!!! But trust me on this, it'll be okay...  
> Next chapter will be from Taeyong's POV, thanks to one of you who commented. 
> 
> Thank you for all the wonderful comments guys, you are the best<3  
> Sorry for updating and answering slow, went to see the boys in Moscow +my work :)

Taeyong was still sleeping when Jaehyun left before noon. He didn't have the heart to wake the deeply sleeping boy up. Before leaving, he wrote a note and left it on the kitchen table. 

 

_I promised to meet my parents today. Help yourself to something in the fridge. Text me when you wake up, have a great day <3_

 

His steps felt oddly light this beautiful morning as he left the apartment to head towards the garage. They had had a good talk yesterday, and he was happy he had got the chance to tell Taeyong that he was fond of him. And the fact that the other admitted to have fallen for him as well... That was more than he would have even dared to dream of - and probably the best confidence booster he'd got since he got his licence to be a practitioner. 

Jaehyun arrived by his parents house with a grin plastered on his face, and a part of him wished his mother would ask him the reason to his sudden gleefulness. Unfortunately, his parents were more than busy enough with setting up new garden furniture to notice the change in Jaehyun's mood. 

After an hour Jaehyun's parents were satisfied with the way their new, ridiculously heavy wooden garden table was positioned in their garden. Luckily, physical labor was something the office bound doctor enjoyed, especially if the weather was nice and sunny. After a late lunch he and his dad proceeded with oiling the wood. They had been talking about Jaehyun's upcoming internship when his mother came walking towards them.

"... But what if I get a heart attack while you are on duty at the hospital?" his dad asked him with a faked seriousness. 

"What, you don't trust my skills to save your life?" 

"Based on how I had to teach you to pay taxes last year, not in a million years!" the older Jung laughed lovingly. 

"Darling, your phone is ringing!" his mother interrupted them. 

"Oh? Thanks!" Jaehyun said and reached out to take the phone from her hand. 

His heart skipped a beat when he noticed it was Taeyong. 

"I gotta take this" he mumbled and took off his protective gloves, excusing himself to his dad. He fumbled with answering the call - Funny how he still felt nervous when talking to the older on the phone.

 

 _"Hyunnie hi can I borrow some clothes?"_   Taeyong's sleepy voice echoed. 

"Huh? Uh, Hi, are you still there?" 

 _"Yeah I just got up_ "

Jaehyun glanced at his watch. 2.30 pm. Jesus. 

"Okaay, sure, why?" 

" _We have dance practise today and I thought about going there straight away. I can't dance in those tightass pants that smell like smoke and drunk people"_  

"Right. Uhm, yeah, go ahead, I have sports wear in the cupboard to the left of my wardrobe. Take whatever fits" 

_"I'm gonna look like a rapper in your baggy clothes"  
_

"Well if it doesn't suit your fancy you have to go naked" 

" _pffft you wish"_

"How are you feeling, by the way?" 

_"A little weak. Dizzy. Hangover I guess"  
_

"Mhm. Don't push yourself too hard today" 

 _"Where are you?"_ he heard Taeyong searching after something in his drawers and ignoring Jaehyun’s last sentence. It made him somewhat anxious to know the other was looking at his clothes. They were probably not even folded. God he hoped he hadn't stuffed too many dirty clothes back in... 

"I left a note. At my parents place". He glanced in their direction, hoping they were not listening too closely. 

_"ah, okay, I won't bother you too long then. Thanks for the clothes in advance"  
  
_

"No problem. Take care."

" _Damn I bet your ass looks great in these tights Hyunnie_ " he teased, successfully making Jaehyun feel flustered since his parents were around. 

"They're for runni-..whatever, I gotta go now" he mumbled. 

" _kisses, cutie_ " the other chirped and hung up. 

Jaehyun couldn't hide his smile when returning to the table. He was happy to hear the older being in a good mood. 

"Who was that, Darling?" his mother asked with a sneaky smile. 

The word "friend" was about to roll off his tongue, but he stopped himself before the white lie was spilled. His parents weren't stupid; how often do you have a friend in your apartment on a saturday morning, lending your clothes? 

He blushed slightly. "A date" 

"I figured. But so soon after Ho-Sub?" Jaehyun wanted to throw up by how sweetly she pronounced the name of the bitch. 

"I didn't love him" he mumbled, hoping his mother didn't hear. 

His father threw him his gloves as a signal to continue working, but even he couldn't keep away his curiosity. 

"is it a... Uhm... A..." 

"It's a man, Dad" 

"Oh, okay". Jaehyun knew his father still wished he would turn around and become a "normal" son. The knowledge didn’t even hurt that much anymore since Jaehyun was genuinely proud of his father for trying so hard and being so immensely accepting just for his son’s sake. He thanked the lucky star he was born under every day, and thought of Taeyong and his awful family situation with some sadness.  
  
“What does he do?”

  
Jaehyun had expected the question. That was the question his parents always asked first when it came to their son’s boyfriends. It reminded him of how his parents used to ask “What do their parents do?” about his friends instead when he was younger. It was almost like ones profession _defined_ people according to his parents’ generation.  
   
“He’s a pharmaceutical student”  
  
“Really” His mother said with honest interest. He knew however she was a bit disappointed since it wasn’t another business shark that might have been able to join the company. Jaehyun decided not to pursue the discussion anymore, turning his attention to the wooden table instead.

 

Later that evening Jaehyun was back at his place, chatting with Johnny about his last night ventures. He had sent a text to Taeyong earlier asking him how the practice went, but he still hadn't got an answer. It wouldn't surprise him if he still was dancing, probably to exhaustion, without having eaten anything since lunch. No wonder he sleeps around the clock…  
  
Johnny hadn't succeeded with taking any girls home. Instead he had ended up having a 5 am pizza with some random Thai dude he met in the line for the cashier. He complained loudly (basically just spamming with caps lock on) about the man's rude ability to be ridiculously humorous at that hour of the morning.  
"At that hour people should either be fucking, sleeping or munching on their cheap pizza in drunken solitude, not make jokes goddamnit" Johnny complained.  
"Why did you stay eating with him then?"   
"He WAS funny, alright??"   
  
Jaehyun got the text he was waiting for around ten pm.   
  
21.50 Taeyongie  
_Soryy i didnt answer. Im in bed. Exhaustd._    
  
He went to sleep already without telling Jaehyun? Well, obviously he wasn't obliged to tell Jaehyun about his every intention but he usually didn't go to bed this early. Maybe he was sick after all?   
A twisted feeling of worry made the young doctor’s stomach turn. Hadn’t Taeyong said that he felt weak in the morning too? Despite sleeping away most of his hours of hangover?  
_I'm overreacting, he thought._ They had been drinking. He hadn't been eating well. He had probably danced way too hard tonight too, neglecting the signals his tired dehydrated body gave him.   
He's a grown man, he can take care of himself.   
Jaehyun went to bed with that sick sense of worry in his stomach rumbling around, making his sleep disjointed and poor. Around midnight he sent another text to Taeyong asking if he was alright, obviously knowing he wouldn't answer at this time of the hour. But he just couldn’t relax, not when his mind was going havoc. _Why am I freaking out over nothing?_ Jaehyun counted to three hundred and finally fell asleep with his phone in his hand.  
  
The next morning his inbox was still eerily empty. Jaehyun went to his parent’s house again to finish the job they started yesterday. He didn't expect any answer before noon anyway, considering how Taeyong had slept ‘til 2 pm yesterday. But 2 pm came and went, and the only thing Jaehyun received was spam from their university group chat.    
  
At 4 pm he felt sick. He had tried to call the boy at least three times already. The first two calls went unanswered, while the third didn't even go through, like the other had shut off his phone or something. At first he though he might be angry with him again and ignoring his calls and texts for some petty reason, but the more the thought about it, the less likely it seemed - and it was kind of unfair to Taeyong not to trust him even a little. Eventually Jaehyun felt guilty and naive for even thinking that lowly about the man's ability to control his mood.  
  
But something was wrong, for sure.   
  
  
At 5 pm he drove to the address Taeyong had given him that time he came to pick him up. Jaehyun cursed himself for not knowing Taeyong’s roommates name. He had absolutely no idea which apartment was the right one, so he spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out which Lee was his. After asking some students around (eventually someone knew where his beautiful lover [that’s not how he described him] lived) he ended up knocking on a door on the fifth floor. The rapid beating of his heart rang in his ears, and he felt his shirt clinging to his back by cold sweat.   
  
He flinched when the door opened - a tall, slim man was standing in the doorway with a stupid look plastered on his face. He hadn't shaved, and he had some game console controller beeping in his hand.   
  
"Can I help you?" He said lazily.  
  
“Lee Taeyong. Is he home?"   
  
"Uhm.... I haven't seen him today... Who's asking?"   
  
"I am. Could you check his room?"   
  
"Okaaaay...."The guy raised his eyebrow in doubt, but turned around and walked back inside the dark apartment.   
  
Jaehyun tapped nervously on the door frame waiting. A few seconds later the guy emerged lethargically back into the hallway.   
  
"Nah, he's out"  
  
Fuck.   
  
Something's wrong.   
  
Jaehyun was freezing despite the hot stale air in the hallway. He excused himself to the confused roommate of Taeyong, and walked stiffly down the stairs, clutching the railing so hard his knuckles turned white. His mind raced here and there, thinking, calculating; Where had he gone, and why hadn’t he answered his texts?  However hard Jaehyun twisted and turned the possibilities in his head, he always ended up with just two options; either Taeyong had suddenly decided to ditch him, or then his health had faltered. And for once he actually believed it wasn't the first option. The second option was way, way scarier though. He could live with a broken heart, never to touch the boy ever again, but living in a world completely _without_ him... He might as well be doomed. And what made it even worse was that Jaehyun had actually promised him that everything would be alright. He had said those words – _a promise_.  
If something medically bad had happened, it would partly be Jaehyun's fault. Either he had been blind to some obvious clues in Taeyong’s medical history, or then he should have taken his symptoms far more seriously than he originally had. For all he knew, Jaehyun might have made a huge mistake just by letting him go to the dance practice yesterday evening. Eventually he would end up blaming himself despite the fact he wasn't responsible for his former patient's treatment anymore. If he had missed some vital clue that could have saved him from an imminent evil, he would never be able to forgive himself, because... Because...   
  
That fucking D-dimer.   
  
The hospital.   
  
He had to go search for him in the hospital.   
  
With tires screeching he drove away towards the hospital.   
Jaehyun didn't want to find Taeyong there, but if he wasn't there, the possibilities for his real whereabouts where close to endless - and possibly way lousier than a hospital bed. Jaehyun remembered that he had in fact texted him last night about being home, sleeping – so if he wasn't lying, he must have left the apartment during the night or early morning, before his roommate got up. Where had he been going? To the emergency? To Jaehyun's? _But if he needed me, why didn't he call?_ _  
_  
Jaehyun pulled up outside the hospital. Too bad he didn't work here yet, otherwise he could have went in on his own and searched the database for patients registered. Johnny might be on call but Jaehyun didn't want to disturb him just yet, incase he actually was busy with emergency patients.   
So instead, he had to walk up to the info-desk like a normal mortal. Jaehyun had never been to the hospital as a layman, which felt utterly weird considering how much time he spent here as a medical student.   
  
An older lady greeted him at the desk, looking awfully familiar - they had probably met many times before some years earlier during his studies.  
  
"How can I help you, mister?"   
  
"I'm looking for a patient that might be here"   
  
"Ok, you have their social security number?"   
  
"Well, no, that's priv.. His name is Lee Taeyong, Tae-Yong" Jaehyun spelled out a little frustrated.   
  
"Let me check"  
  
The woman typed in the name and scrolled her screen. Jaehyun could see rows of names reflected on the surface of her glasses.   
  
Jaehyun prayed and prayed that he would be there - he preferred having him alive at a secure place than somewhere passed out on a riverbank. But if he wasn’t on the hospital’s lists, he would comb through every square meter of this country if that's what's required to find him.   
  
"We have two patients here with that name" the lady said.  
   
Jaehyun's blood rushed through his head - it must be him.   
  
"Is one of them around 26 years old?"   
  
"hmm, yes, that's right. Are you family?"   
  
_Holy shit, so he is here. At the fucking hospital. I knew it. I knew something was wrong, goddammit!_    
  
Jaehyun's heart was racing as he tried to figure out what to answer the lady. He couldn’t pretend to be a member of the family, and obviously there was no chance of pretending to be married either.  
  
"I'm his boyfriend. Where is he?"   
  
The lady raised an eyebrow and looked Jaehyun down head to toe before continuing.   
  
"I see. Hmm... Hmmmm" Jaehyun almost wanted to believe she scrolled painfully slowly just to piss him off, even though he knew it wasn't true. "ah, yes, Mr. Lee is in the CCU at the moment"   
  
Like the situation wasn't stressful enough for Jaehyun.   
  
"THE CCU??" That's equal to the intensive care unit _.  What the fuck has happened..._ Jaehyun's mind raced; either it was an accident or then he had got that damn pulmonary embolism he had been afraid of every since he saw that elevated count of D-Dimer. But an embolism - hardly that's bad enough to demand intensive care _?. Fucking hell!  
__  
_ "What's happened to him?"   
  
"I'm sorry sir, I can't tell you that"   
  
"I'm a doctor, actually, you can check that I will begin my internship here in a few months"   
  
"I still can't help you sir unless you're close family.  Maybe you could contact his family? Or then you could wait until tomorrow, next visiting hour is tomorrow after lunch if the patient’s stable enough”  
  
Jaehyun just stared - they wouldn't even tell him if he was conscious or not? He didn't even know Taeyong's parents names so it wouldn't be easy to get through to them on a Sunday night. And he couldn't just walk into the CCU since he wasn't working there. Unless...   
  
"Okay, thanks for your help" He said quickly and turned around. Instead of walking out the hospital lobby he took the elevator down to the ground floor where he remembered they had the staff changing rooms and stored all their clothing.  
  
As a medical student, he would get in everywhere just by showing up in a white coat and scrubs, telling the nurses that he was student. It was kinda crazy how no-one checked legitimization or anything _ever.  
_  
So he walked quickly and as casually as he could down the tunnels to the changing rooms. He didn't have any keys, obviously, but there was always someone going in and out the changing rooms at any hour of the day. Indeed, 5 minutes later someone came out, and Jaehyun faked how he was searching for his keys in his pockets.   
While inside, he quickly changed into scrubs (hoping he would get to go after his jeans later) and grabbed a white coat from the storage. He looked shady as fuck without the ID card, so he guessed he really had to pull through with the medical student story. Thank god he still sported the youthful look with his puffy cheeks and thick hair.  
It took him half an hour to get to the floor of the CCU. He had had to wait for someone with a keycard to ride the elevator to just about any floor, while at the same time looking like he was totally used to ride this elevator about ten times every day. Once, he had to step out of the elevator with his head hanging low since he noticed an acquaintance from university (who probably actually worked there) stepping in in her white coat, luckily not looking up from her phone screen in Jaehyun’s direction. He was forced the step out at the wrong floor, delaying his journey even further – but now wasn't the time for awkward half-hearted talks about how life's going.   
  
Eventually he found himself behind the closed glass doors of the CCU. Since the doors were transparent he just couldn't stand there waiting for ages for someone to come out - it would look weird, and someone would start questioning his creeping. So he would have to ring the doorbell and go through with his white lie.   
He hadn't even had time to gather his courage enough to press the button before a nurse spotted him and came up to open the door.   
  
"Can I help you?"   
  
Oh god here we go.   
  
"Uhm, Yes, I'm a third year Medical student, I was assigned to follow the doctor on duty around the CCU for the night"  
  
"Oh, Doctor Kim?"   
  
"Mhm, I'm didn’t get any names, you know how the university never tells us anything..."   
  
"Alright. You know where the doctor’s office is?"   
  
"Yeah I think so. Thank you.  I'll just go to the bathroom to wash my hands first, there were a lot of flu patients in the elevator, you know" he tried to say lightheartedly, failing miserably.  
The nurse smiled awkwardly and stepped aside to let him in. She then went back through another door to continue with her own tasks.   
  
Okay. He was in - and he felt like some American spy with his lousy faked identity. Now all he needed to do was avoid the doctors on duty as well as he could. He knew the CCU had a few different departments with their own smaller group of patients in an open monitor-area, so he would just need to find the right department to find Taeyong.   
He went to the first department but had no luck. In the second, a nurse caught him, so he had to tell the whole medical student story again and fake not knowing where the doctor’s office is. After the cringeworthy chat he managed to go to the third department, and on the heart rate monitors he saw a familiar set of numbers (he hadn’t deliberately memorized his birthday but...). As a doctor, the first thing he did was actually LOOK at the ecg curve - the rhythm looked stable enough, but there were some dips and tops of the curve that shouldn't be there. Signs of strain, for example.  Something had happened to his heart as well.   
  
A nurse who's job was to watch the patients in her department saw him looking at the screens. She was young and had warm, kind eyes, and looked like she might be willing to help. Jaehyun put on a dimpled smile (God it felt wrong to smile in this situation) and caught the nurses eyes. She blushed quite readily.  
"Hello can I help you?" She asked sweetly.   
  
"I'm med. student Jung, I'm here to assess a certain patient called Lee Taeyong and write a report for my professor. Which bed is his?"   
  
She smiled coyly and pointed to a bed further away, not questioning his intentions at all. Jaehyun didn’t spare her a second of extra attention, before heading towards the direction she pointed at. There were so many monitors and respirators and half drawn curtains everywhere that he hadn't been able to see him before. But indeed, a familiar mop of black hair was seen on a pillow further away in the room among tubes and beeping screens.    
  
"Oh my god" Jaehyun whispered. The nurse looked confused and asked him to repeat himself, but Jaehyun had already walked away towards Taeyong's bed. Walked and walked... for Jaehyun it felt like floating through eerie toxic clouds, burning and ripping his skin soundlessly.  
   
"Oh my god" he repeated when he came up closer.   
  
It was him, his dazzling, dreamy dancer, with his long, slim fingers and delicately sculpted face.   
He was wearing a light green gown under the covers, hands filled with drips and ecg electrodes placed on his chest. An oxygen mask was covering his mouth and nose – at least he was breathing on his own, Jaehyun thought. His eyes were closed - was he sleeping? Anesthetized? Or something worse, like comatose?   
  
Jaehyun came up to the bed. What had happened to him? Was he even _a little_ okay? Was his poor baby in pain? He looked so incredibly small and fragile under the covers, even skinnier than before despite the swelling of his face. Jaehyun’s heart ached by seeing strong Taeyong this weak and broken. If it wasn't for that damned eating disorder his body might have been stronger to begin with, but years of malnutrition had left its marks despite his best efforts to recover. Jaehyun had seen it coming. _Fuck, why didn't I trust my instincts?_  
  
He saw dark spots appearing on the cover and realized that it was his own tears. He sniffed and grabbed Taeyong's small hand into his. Luckily it felt warm and, well… alive.   
  
"Taeyongie my love, what has happened to you..." his whisper turned into a sob, and however hard he fought it he ended up shattered and weeping. He stroked the older’s hand, being careful not to touch the canullas and tubes. He squeezed his hand gently, hoping he could feel the familiar pressure and know that he was safe next to Jaehyun.  
  
The younger wondered if the sleeping man could hear him at all. He suddenly remembered how to assess someone’s consciousness, and pressed down with his nail on Taeyong's own nailbed. The older's hand twitched slightly from the pain and his eyebrows scrunched up into a slight frown.   
  
Jaehyun released him and breathed out.   
  
"Sorry baby, I had to check that you react to pain. I needed to see that you're still with me"  
The older's face relaxed again. Maybe he could hear, Maybe he was sleeping just very lightly.  
  
Jaehyun didn't know. He went closer to him and brushed his messy hair away from his forehead. He fingercombed it slightly to make it look more decent, since he knew that would have been important to the older.   
  
"Why didn't you call me" Jaehyun mumbled, stopping a tear from falling off his chin with his free hand. Hadn't they made a deal that Taeyong would call in emergencies? Obviously he didn't know what had really happened. Maybe it all happened too fast. Maybe he didn't have his phone with him. But somehow, he had ended up in the safety of the hospital, and Jaehyun decided to be eternally grateful to the person who got him to the emergency, be it then a stranger or Taeyong himself.   
  
"I'm here now, though...." he continued, stroking his forehead gently. "I will fix you somehow... Or maybe not me, but my wiser, better colleagues..."   
  
Taeyong frowned again, to which Jaehyun decided to lean down to kiss his forehead lovingly. He released his lips from his warm skin, and the frowning stopped like magic. That got to be the power of love, Jaehyun thought without caring an ounce about how cheesy it sounded.   
  
He needed to know what had happened. In front of Taeyong's heavily monitored bed was a computer too with his info open (mostly for nurses to fill in updates on vitals like blood pressure and saturation). He reluctantly left Taeyong's side and went to the computer. He knew it wasn't really okay - probably not even legal - for him to read the files without working at the hospital and having Taeyong assigned to his list. But he knew Taeyong would give his consent, and if he got into trouble, Taeyong would defend him and tell how he'd read most of it anyway when he used to be his doctor. Ironically it wasn't true - Jaehyun had only skimmed through his psychiatric texts, and that only for the sake of getting an overall picture of the case after their first appointment. Taeyong knew this too - and didn't question it further.   
  
He got up the most recent texts, including an ambulance journal.   
  
_26 y old male, physically healthy, background of mental health issues like schizophrenia, anorexia nervosa and general anxiety disorder. Known medications, Quetiapine 400mg 1x1, earlier record of Fluoxetine. Seen collapsing outside home address around 3 a.m. No alcohol in blood. Intoxicated passer-by called an ambulance._  
_In ambulance saturation below 88, tachycardic ad 125bpm, bp 98/62mmHg, body temp 36.4C, metabolic acidosis with hypoxemy, pH 7.2, ab-PO2 6.1 kPa, base exess -8.2, p-lactate 4,0mmol/l. Regained consciousness after getting 100% oxygen administrated and..."_  
  
Jaehyun skimmed quickly trough the texts. He had got a double sided pulmonary embolism, and while being transported from the CT-scan back to the department of internal medicine his heart suddenly stopped. Jaehyun lost his ability to breathe when he read that last sentence - His lungs felt like they were filled with icy spikes. How...? How could his heart just stop like that?  
  
The MET team had been quick to arrive, and they got Taeyong's heart beating again after just half a cycle of CPR. Jaehyun imagined hands pressing down on Taeyong's chest, wondering if they managed to break many ribs on the go. After that, he was immediately transferred to the CCU for monitoring.  They had found traces of MDMA In his blood, saying that was the cause his heart had stopped after the embolism. Jaehyun didn't believe it was the cause - The cause was his tiny body being overworked without sufficient nutrition - his heart muscle had probably started to eat on itself, as horrible as it sounded.   
  
"Oh man...." he whispered to himself when scrolling through the lab results.   
  
Taeyong suddenly grunted in a creepy, gargling way. He turned his head a little to the side.   
  
"Yongie? Baby?" Jaehyun exclaimed, probably a little bit too loud. A little spark of hope awoke in Jaehyun, since it was entirely possible the older recognized Jaehyun's voice through the druginduced sleep. When he didn't react further Jaehyun's eyes started to burn again, and a series of tears rolled unhindered down his cheeks. _He'll be alright, right? He gotta be alright. They'll put him on anticoagulants and everything will be alright. He won’t be dancing for a few months and that’s all._ Jaehyun will feed him and take care of him and kiss the clot away.   
  
"Are you alright?" a female voice sounded behind Jaehyun's back.  
  
The young doctor got startled and turned quickly around. The nurse he talked to earlier was looking at him with confusion.   
  
She must have heard him. She saw his tears too.   
  
"No, I'm not alright" Jaehyun told her.   
  
She blinked a few times and looked questioning, but she didn't say anything and let her emphatic eyes speak for themselves. She looked like somewhere deep down she understood what was going on, but her professionalism just wouldn't let her consider it.   
Suddenly a doctor emerged behind her; probably this Doctor Kim or whoever was in charge of the CCU. He looked thoroughly perplexed by the combination of Jaehyun's scrubs and coat and tears.   
  
"Excuse me mister, who are you? I don't recall you working here"   
  
Jaehyun wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and sobbed.   
  
"Well, not here exactly..."  
  
"You know this patient?"   
  
"yes...how, how is he?"   
  
The nurse glanced at the older doctor. He crossed his arms and sighed.   
  
"We cannot have relatives running around here, even if you are a colleague"   
  
Jaehyun felt weak and incredibly embarrassed, and it didn't help his cause at all. "But... But he.."   
  
"I'm sorry but i'll have to ask you to leave". The older doctor looked like a kind man, but the hospital had rules and regulations that he had to follow. Maybe Jaehyun could try to play on his heart strings? He knew it wouldn’t work though – but he was in despair, and he had to do _something._  
  
"But he was my patient! He was, really, at the health care center, you can check it up from his files! My name is dr. Jung! Please, let me stay? I could help!" he begged, feeling himself losing his calm. He was about to break for sure by this rate.   
  
"Sir, no visitors, I'm sorry. You need to leave"  
  
Jaehyun looked back at Taeyong, who slept soundly with one cheek against the pillow. His chest kept rising and lowering slowly to the buzzing sound of the oxygen mask.  
  
"....You cannot take him away from me"  he sobbed, voice breaking.  
  
"Sir?" the older doctor asked calmly.  
  
Jaehyun went back to Taeyong and took his hand into his.  
  
"I'm not going, Taeyongie, I won't go" he whispered.  
  
He had promised the boy that everything would be alright. He had promised him that he wouldn't die. He couldn't leave him like this, not before he was sure that he'd recover and be able to dance his heart out again. Jaehyun would watch him, he would come see every show, take every opportunity to see Taeyong perform and take his heart away time after time. If Taeyong wanted to dance in Rio, he'd take him there, if he wanted to dance in Vienna, he'd take him there too. He'd show him the world and beyond, as long as he woke up to be himself again.   
  
He felt the light hand of the nurse on his shoulder.  
  
"I'm sorry, mister Jung, but you have to go" She said in a small voice.  
  
"I'm a fucking doctor too and you will _NOT_ take him away from me" he snapped at no-one particular, shoulders shaking under the nurses hand. The poor nurse got startled and retracted her hand.   
  
The older doctor stepped forward, laying a heavier hand on Jaehyun’s back.  
  
"Sir, I understand this is hard for you, but we'll take care of him. He'll be in good hands. He needs to rest now. You can see him tomorrow"  
  
Jaehyun turned his head to look at his senior, seeing something of his usual professional self reflecting in the older's aura. It was reason and liability, virtues he always had valued high. Right now he was barely able to recognize himself. He had always believed he was rational and consistent in nature; but apparently, his heart still dominated over his intellect, making him lose all interest in reasoning over what's the wisest thing to do in this situation – which obviously would have been to just leave. But here he was, being completely irrational, behaving like a child. Taeyong was right - he was too young and immature to know anything about the ugly truths of reality. Jaehyun knew he was behaving like an idiot, and he should stop now, before he does anything that might cost him his internship. But for some weird reason he felt that he just simply _couldn't leave_ the other's side, at least not voluntarily. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was because of how deeply in love he was.  
  
"You'll have to drag me out" He whimpered.   
  
"Do you not hear me?" the doctor said with a touch of authority.     
  
"I won't leave him!"    
  
The older doctor sighed, picked up his phone from his pocket and begun to dial a number.   
  
"Okay, I'll call the guards. They’ll escort you out”.

 

 

  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Jaehyun walking around the hospital just telling everyone he is a student without needing to prove it; this was true in my case - you could get in anywhere, even surgeries, just by saying you're a medical student - it's really fucked up they didn't check ID.  
> 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's still joy to come, bear with me :)

 

Taeyong was awaken by the buzzing of his phone. He sighed and pulled the covers over his head to muffle the annoying sound out. The wide bed he was lying in was way too soft and way too warm to leave just yet. To be honest, he would actually prefer to stay in this particular bed for the rest of the month. However much he slept nowadays he never felt refreshed nor energized when getting up. He had actually overslept on a daily basis and therefore managed to miss most of his lectures the last week. Obviously he hadn't told Jaehyun about this - he wasn't in the mood for any advice on how to live his life right now. 

 

Jaehyun. The name was like a tropical ocean wave spreading warmth from Taeyong's head to his toes. Despite being a tad bit annoying at times he had grown quite fond of the younger man. "Quite fond..." Taeyong chuckled lowly in his half awake, half asleep state. Sure.   


He opened his eyes slightly to see if the younger man was still lying next to him, but sadly, the bed was quite empty except for himself and his phone.

Taeyong sighed disappointedly. He would have very much preferred to spend the whole day in bed together with Jaehyun. His body ached for having Jaehyun's steady hands and full lips all over him, especially since he had been too nauseous yesterday to pleasure any of them. Maybe the rest of the day would have felt more motivating if he had been waken up by the younger's sweet kisses.

He couldn't deny it - Jaehyun made him feel so good. He made him feel admired and appreciated - normal, even. And not a single cell in the younger's body could hide his affection for Taeyong. 

He could see in Jaehyun's laughing, brown eyes that he had falled head over heels for him - he maybe hadn't said it yet, but Taeyong knew Jaehyun was in love with him. His adoring glances, the stupid things he does, his genuine caring and heart wrenching worrying - it was so obvious, wasn't it? The thought of the younger man made Taeyong's hands tremble and his heart flutter - why couldn't he have stayed in bed with him? Where was he?  


He groaned when he finally reached after his phone. 2 pm. Shit. They were supposed to practice this afternoon. Indeed, Jina from their group had been the one to wake Taeyong up with her attempt to call him just 5 minutes earlier. Double shit. He had to get going.

Immediately as he got up to sit at the edge of the bed his vision darkened and a nasty wave of vertigo came to violate his balance organs. He had to grab hold of the edge of the bed with both hands to steady himself.   


"Aahhh shit..."  


Wait it out, wait it out. It's just a hangover, nothing more. It's not that much worse than any other hangover, and definitely not as bad as any panic attack. He focused on doing breathing exercises and after 5 minutes he dared to open his eyes again.  


When he felt stable enough he got up and walked to the living room. The space was bright and airy, and the rays of sunlight hitting Taeyong's face were way more energizing than any twelve hours of sleep. Jaehyun's apartment was truly amazing. Taeyong wasn't normally anyone to get jealous, but then again, it wasn't like Jaehyun's wealth made him feel any better about his lousy self. 26 years old and still living with a nerdy roommate in a dark dorm - Jeez. His shitty situation was however an excellent motivator to study harder so that he could finally get his damn degree. Then he'll get a better job, a decent salary, maybe his own apartment, maybe a car, even. Jaehyun. Maybe.  


The thing was that even though he kind of recognized Jaehyun being madly in love with him, he was afraid it was just a phase blinded by desire. Eventually Jaehyun would realize that Taeyong's social status would never match his, and he would grow tired of his mood swings, his nagging, his pimples and dry hair. Jaehyun was just simply way out of Taeyong's league. The younger probably couldn't even imagine how much courage it had taken Taeyong to propose exclusivity yesterday. Even though the older was relieved with seeing how  positively Jaehyun had reacted to the modest proposal,  he still doubted if he truly was worthy of Jaehyun's undivided attention.  
 

He went to the bathroom and saw himself in the mirror. The nightly vomiting had left its traces on his dull skin. And the black hair made him look deadly pall aswell. Simply hideous. Maybe he could at least hide the eyebags with concealer. 

 

He later called Jaehyun to ask him for clothes. He wasn't a creep or anything, sniffing through the other's clothing - he actually was kind of in in a rush and didn't have time to go home to change. Hearing Jaehyun's voice cheered him up an awful lot, and reminded him of their discussion yesterday. For the first time in his life he was actually dating a guy. He had been dreaming of this for many years, back when he was still hiding in the closet. For the past couple of years he hadn't really met anyone he would even consider getting to know on a more personal level - especially not after having spent the night sucking their cock for some praises and thirsty looks. He actually couldn't pinpoint what made him intrigued by dr. Jung - obviously he was attracted to the man, but he'd been attracted to many handsome men before him too. Maybe it was his childlike goodwill and the feeling of safety he created around him. His voice was really soothing too - Taeyong was certain he could anyday get a second job at the radio. Whatever it was, he truly liked him, and nothing made him feel happier than the knowledge that the other liked him too.

 

He carefully picked out the clothes, folding a few ones a little neater than their owner had done himself. Taeyong clutched at the fabric and inhaled their clean scent. Despite being washed, they still smelled like Jaehyun. They smelled tended, warm and cherished - the way he believed a real home should smell like. He imagined being wrapped up in Jaehyun's arms, safe from judgement, illness and harsh realities - safe from his parents and his past demons. Why couldn't he had stayed home this morning just a little longer?  
  
His phone buzzed, and he woke up from his sweet bubble of sentimentality.

 

14.58 Dongyoung  
Get your skinny ass here Yong

 

Yes, he knew he was late.  


The world started spinning again during practice. They had this one competition coming up in a few weeks where the winners got to go to Singapore for semifinals - All expenses paid. Obviously they all wanted to win badly - especially Taeyong, since he had always secretly been dreaming of travelling. But however much he focused today on polishing his moves they weren't even nearly as sharp nor as fast as they should be. He was supposed to be a key dancer, which meant the others relayed on him to perform top notch - and right now, he was slowing them all down. The vertigo was getting worse again, and just after fifteen minutes he had to call it a break to drink some water. Jesus, he seldom had hangovers this bad. Could it be the stimulant he took at the club yesterday? Impossible, they didn't work that way, mr. almost-major-in-Pharmacology thought. It gotta be the dehydration, nothing else. Taeyong sighed deeply. His good mood from earlier today was by long gone, and a state of melancholy had taken over instead.   
  
One of the girls came up to him and put her arm around his shoulders. 

"Hey. Yong, you alright?" 

He screwed the cap back on his water bottle. 

"Yeah. Hangover." 

 

Dongyoung came up and dunked him in the back, hard enough to make Taeyong stumble forward. 

"You weak, man?" He laughed. 

Taeyong swallowed and smiled stiffly _. Yeah, I suppose I am. Just don't let it show. Don't let it ever show - weakness isn't admirable, weakness isn't sexy._

The girl cooed and rubbed his back where Dongyoung had hit him. 

"Aww. Take it easy right? We know the choreo, you could watch us today"

"no way Jina, I'm fine" He wiggled himself free from the girl's grip and put his water bottle down. "Let's take it from the beginning"  
  
He walked back up to the front of the mirror, making sure everyone was in their correct spots, before turning to face his own, gloomy reflection. For a second he almost didn't recognize himself - It was strange wearing someone elses clothes. He had borrowed a pair of soft sweatpants, hanging low on his hip, with a plain white t-shirt of Jaehyun's. He looked out of place in these clothes that didn't even fit. The noodles he called his arms sticked awkwardly out from the white fabric. His hair was a mess, held back with a small ponytail on the top of his head. The nausea had drained all the color from his face, and if Taeyong was to be honest, he looked more dead than alive.   
  
He couldn't help comparing himself to the other dancers standing behind him, like he did everyday anyway. He knew he could look effortlessly cool if he had the mind for it, but today was not such a day. Everyone else looked so vivid and young - healthy, fit bodies, smiles on their faces, a future full of promises and hope. _I am old. I look old.  
_  
Wasn’t he, though? He was ashamed of still being without a proper education, working at a fucking bar. He should have graduated in time when he had the chance anyway. Maybe his parents would have felt some pride in his graduation even though they hated him every other moment. Now it was too late to celebrate - he wasn't sure if his mother even knew what he was up to these days.   


"from the start; 1...2…"

Taeyong could see the contours of his chest through the thin fabric. _Sigh_.  No matter how much weight he lost he still didn't get smaller. His thighs didn't seem to ever get firm enough and his shoulders would always be too broad for his frame. It's unfair, really, how his hard work never pays off. His face, too - when he smiled, his cheeks puffed up a little, and he didn't like it one bit… To be fair, he never understood why people seemed to have this odd fascination with his face. He was used to hear people call him hot due to the way he moves and dresses - it really was the easiest thing in the world to get attention at the club. But when people called him beautiful or cute without the prospect of getting laid... It felt WEIRD, and he didn't believe their praises were genuine for one bit.   
  
But Jaehyun seemed to be honest.  
  
Jaehyun was good. Naive, maybe, but truthful. He said that Taeyong was the most beautiful in the world - why would he lie?  
  
Jaehyun had done stupid things, angering Taeyong even by treating him like some poor helpless kid, but he knew those were things he had done seeing through the heart shaped glasses of a lovesick fool. He hadn't forgotten about the doctor's generous offer either. Many times had he thought about calling Jaehyun to tell him that he would gladly come live in his fancy house. But obviously he never made the call, since it would feel like he did it just to enhance his own living situation on the cost of Jaehyun's charitable nature.  
  
But obviously that wasn't the true story; he would love to have someone nice and clean to come home to; someone he could ventilate to about both good and bad, someone who would enjoy his cooking, someone who would kiss him randomly in the kitchen telling him how he is beautiful and precious just the way he is. Taeyong just wanted to be loved, that's all. To be loved, and to be safe.  
  
There was another hatch though that kept him from accepting Jaehyun's invitation. 

 

Taeyong had did his best to hide his anxieties from the younger doctor - telling him how he was mentally all good now, making sure to only meet up when having prepared for it in his head. But some days and some nights the walls kept falling on him, crushing him like he was a pathetic fly. He got that voice in his head that made its random appearances when existing became too frightening. The voice was his earliest friend as well as his oldest enemy. It could stay quiet for many years but every time he thought he was finally cured, it re-emerged, making sure Taeyong would never forgot that he was a worthless piece of shit. It told him things, called him things - making he feel attractive for the night only to bring him down as cheap trash a moment later. 

In therapy he had luckily learnt how to deal with the voice. He knew how to shut it out and ignore it, until it got tired of Taeyong's unresponsiveness and went away to its private corner in his brain, leaving his mind an eerie mess. In best case scenarios he was able to empower himself so well he could push the fallen walls back up straight again to clean up after his demon.  
  
His therapist had told him that he would probably never fully recover - the voice would always be there in the back of his head, waiting for Taeyong to become weak and vulnerable again. But he could keep it back by being strong, by being surrounded by supportive people and by loving himself. That last part had been the hardest considering his anorexia, and that's why he still gets visited by the voice every now and then. And that's also why he doesn't wanna move in with Jaehyun - he doesn't want him to see what a crazy tragedy _he really is_. Jaehyun had assured him that he wouldn't read his psychiatric record, so at least he could pretend to be partly normal by keeping alone when he was having these attacks of anxiety.  


_Think about a beach._ A quiet, peaceful beach, on a tiny island in calm waters with nothing but pretty, colorful fish. Think about reading your favorite book in the sun. Think about lying next to a good person. He thought of Jaehyun's smiling eyes and calmed himself down.  
  
If a man like that adores him, he cannot be a complete failure.  
  
The dancing started, and despite the still present dizziness he tried his best to make every turn and twist sharp and precise. Taeyong knew he could do it - if anything, he knew he could dance to perfection if he just puts his mind into it completely. 

And so he did, losing himself into the music, expressing his fears he tried so hard to hide in the flow of motion. 

It felt good at first, like it usually does with the release of endorphins. But pretty quickly he felt that unfamiliar weakness creep up his legs, and he noticed how he missed a beat. 

 _Work, you stupid body,_ he thought, and put in another gear to up his game. He managed to perform up to par for a while, even imagining his vertigo getting better. But then he did another mistake ( _fucking hell!_ ), almost stumbling, but he still managed to somehow continue on with the choreo.   
  
_I'm gonna break this body until there's nothing left_ , he thought while his mind was getting hazier and hazier. _Break it down and rebuild it to perfection._  

He used his last bit of energy on a high jump before collapsing on the floor unconscious.

 

His fellow dancers didn't allow him to dance anymore that night. He got to sit awkwardly by the side with his water bottle in his lap. Luckily he hadn't been passed out for more than a couple seconds, but it was dramatic enough to make Jina sit with him for the rest of the practice to make sure he was alright. 

"Have you eaten anything? We should order some food. You could order pizza?" 

"I feel sick, I don't want any" Taeyong answered with apathy while watching his friends review some steps. 

Jina exaggerated her sighing and patted him on his knee. 

"Take care of yourself, Oppa" she said pitifully.

 

He felt embarrassed to not be allowed to dance, but he guessed his friends had the right to deny him. It had been kinda scary to wake up not knowing what the fuck had happened. He hit his head too, when he fell. A concussion would be the icing on the cake, really. No, he would watch the practice session to its end, then go home and head straight for bed. Maybe grab something to eat, or at least try to. Tomorrow morning when he wakes up he will feel a lot better, for sure. Maybe he could surprise Jaehyun by cooking dinner at his place. 

   
  
  


Obviously that didn't happen. 

Taeyong woke up after 2 am to the feeling of suffocation. He had seen this weird nightmare about drowning in a sea of motor oil, remembering the stingy taste as he let the thick liquid enter his mouth and fill his lungs. He was still gasping for air when he woke up, relieved to find out it was just a dream. But after a second or two he realized he couldn't breathe in this reality either, like the passageway to his lungs were still filled with black oil.  
  
He tried coughing, and managed to get in a small sip of air. Completely awake by now and freaking out, he got up from his bed to search for his phone and his inhalator.   


_I have to call Jaehyun. Jaehyun will come help me breathe. Jaehyun will-...  
  
_The moment he stood up the room started spinning violently and he fell down to his knees. 

"fuck" he managed to wheeze out, unfortunately not loud enough to wake up his flatmate.  
  
_Please Hyunnie you should be here right now.  
_ 

He looked around the room but everything was so blurry he couldn't locate his phone. Taeyong heard himself inhaling loudly, however not getting any of that sweet oxygen he so desperately needed. 

 _I need air,_ he thought. _I need to get out._

He crawled to the door and managed to get up standing against the wall. 

Somehow he managed to run out of the apartment by clinging to the walls, and eventually he stumbled into the elevator. The ride down was hellish - it was like having the worst panic attack ever - like it wasn't enough that he was deprived of oxygen, the walls were also closing slowly on him for every second that passed. 

After a ride that felt like forever he got out of the elevator and ran through the door out on the street, falling onto his knees just a few meters outside the front door.. He saw stars on the ground and wasn't sure anymore if he was upright or lying down. 

 _This is me finally dying_ , he thought before passing out on the rain covered, cold street.

   


Taeyong dreamt of being just a small kid, riding a red boat through the river of their city. Normally he would have been afraid of the cold and dark waters, but the boat seemed sturdy and kept him high above the waters. Shapes of white and green (animals? spirits? ) gathered around to watch him, providing him the warmth he desperately needed to survive the chilly night. After a while the boat went entered a tiny tunnel. There were thousands of glow worms covering the walls, flashing rapidly. After exiting the tunnel the river suddenly ended, and Taeyong realized it was a waterfall! He wasn't prepared for it at all, and with a loud rumble the entire boat dived into the dark waters beneath the waterfall. The water was so icy it froze every cell on the spot in his tiny body. All blood turned solid, making his lungs burst and his heart tear into two. Dark brown eyes turned into crystalline marbles and the last thing he saw was white lights and a room of green.  


 

He opened his eyes and felt a horrific pain in his chest and shoulders. 

".... He's back, he's back, prepare the propofol" a voice behind him said. 

Bright lights hurt his eyes, and he felt how he had something over his face and in his throat. He lifted his hand to shield his eyes from the light, only to notices two tubes leading into a vein of the back of his hand. 

There it was again - the panic, of not knowing what on earth was happening. He tried to say something, but the tube in his throat just turned his words into incoherent gargle. 

"propofol is going" another voice said. 

For a moment he managed to look at the doctors and nurses around him like a deer looking at the headlights of a car - then he fell asleep again.

 

The next time he woke up was far less dramatic. He opened his eyes to find himself in a dimly lit room with lots of screens and tubes everywhere. It was quiet and calm though - the only thing he heard was a steady beeping of whatever machines he had to his sides. And someone snored - it gotta be a snore - so he wasn't alone either.   
  
Taeyong figured out pretty quickly that he was lying at the hospital, even though he didn't remember how he got here in the first place. But he remembered a velvety voice talking to him through his sleep. He remembered someone petting his hair. And the white coats...  
  
Jaehyun had been here - he was almost sure. He had felt his presence quite strong despite being dozed off by drugs. But, where was he now…?   
  
He looked around himself to find a clock, because he had no idea what time of the day it was. His phone wasn't anywhere to be seen either. And he was wearing this nasty green gown too -....    
  
Taeyong tried to remember what had happened. He remembered a horrific pain in his chest that luckily had now subsided. He checked under his gown to see if there were any scars from surgery, but no, only ECG electrodes on bare skin.  
  
The oxygen mask irritated him an awful lot, so he removed it quickly, only to be terrified to realize how breathing suddenly got a whole lot harder. _The air is too thin_. The usual saturation of 22% oxygen in the air wasn't nearly enough, so he put the mask back on with an awkward cough. His saturation levels dropped and a machine above his head started to beep.   
  
A white coated person approached him, and for a short second Taeyong expected it to be Jaehyun. Obviously it wasn't, and he started to doubt the fact he had been here at all. It might just have been a dream colored vivid by drugs. But it had felt _so real_ \- he could swear he had been sitting here next to his bed, holding his hand, whispering his name in his ear. He had just been too drowsy to open his eyes and look at his porcelain skin, probably dull and tired due to worry and sleeplessness.  
  
A female doctor approached him to check why his saturation levels had dropped. She smiled politely when she noticed he was awake.   
  
"Good morning mr. Lee, how are you feeling?" 

Taeyong took a few deep breaths and lifted the mask off his face again so that he could speak easier. 

"Fantastic. Shit, really. God, my throat" he croaked. His throat felt like sandpaper and he sounded like he had been smoking two packs a day since being a freaking toddler.   
  
The doctor brought him a plastic cup with water, and Taeyong drank it eagerly. Then he had to put the mask on again for a few seconds to breathe. The doctor waited patiently for him to continue.  
  
"Why is it so hard to breathe" he asked.   
  
"You've had two major blood clots in your lungs. It'll take a while for your lungs to recover after having dissolved the clots away. I could ask the nurse to give you a nasal oxygen tube instead, if you find the mask uncomfortable"  
  
"Yes please" Taeyong whined through the mask. "What time is it?"   
  
"4 a.m."  
  
"Where's my phone?"   
  
"I don't know, all the belongings you had on you when you came to the hospital is in that basket". The basket was practically empty except for his pajamas and apartment keys.   
  
Shit, he would have really wanted to call Jina or Jaehyun. Maybe even his mother, if no-one else would have answered. _Desperate_.   
  
Like she had read his thoughts, the doctor continued.   
  
"Your parents were alerted yesterday. We'll let them know when you are moved back to the department of internal medicine"   
  
"Have I had a visitor here called Jung Jaehyun? I remember him being here" He said and pulled the mask to the side, not really caring about whether his parents were worrying or not. 

 The doctor blinked. "I don't know, visitors are not allowed at this hour so I doubt it"   
  
Taeyong nodded and put the mask back on.   
  
Of course he had just been imagining it. Why would Jaehyun have been here at all - he was probably at home sleeping, maybe puzzling over why Taeyong hadn't answered his texts at its best. He wondered what his parents thought about all this - maybe his Mother felt some regret over not having been more interested in her son's life for the past couple of years. Taeyong didn't expect them to show up either.   
  
A heavy gloominess took over Taeyong's mood. Here he was, wasting taxpayers money, lying alone in a narrow bed trying to figure out why he was even still alive. He knew he should try to be more thankful for the medical personnel who probably saved his life yesterday, but he hoped their efforts weren't in vain. He had probably caused this illness himself, and it wasn't even bad enough to kill him.   
  
Taeyong sighed. _Think of a calm beach, think of a beautiful sunset... This too will pass. Life is too beautiful to just be thrown away. Be grateful. Be grateful for the love you receive._    
  
A nurse arrived with a nasal cannula to replace the mask with.  
  
"How are you feeling?" she asked with a kind smile. She was a pretty girl, around the 30's. Taeyong thought he could trust her.   
  
"Pretty shit" he answered honestly, trying not to wheeze too much when she wrapped the thin tube around his face.   
  
"Oh. Do you have trouble breathing?"  
  
"No, no... I'm just, like, could I get some sleeping pills or something, I don't feel like being awake"   
  
Her smile faded away. "You've been under narcotics for some while now so it might be good for you to sober up a little"   
  
"Gosh, that sucks... " Taeyong sighed heavily. Well, he gotta live with his thoughts for another day. Maybe he'd fall asleep on his own.   
  
"You'll probably be transferred back to internal medicine before noon if your heart rate stays stable"  she said. "You'll get more privacy and quiet there"  
  
"Wonderful. Thanks. Now, could you please give me some midazolam or something? I'm schizophrenic and this beeping is making me go nuts" he said bitterly - very much exaggerating too.   
  
The nurse said that she could get him some oxazepam, and went quietly away to the drug storage.   
  
  
A freaking blood clot, Taeyong thought. At the age of 26. Could he really be that unlucky? It suddenly struck him that his father had had something similar when Taeyong was in elementary school. He had had it in his leg, though. They told him that it might be due to some genetic defect in his coagulation system but he had decided not to pursue further investigations, blaming his sedentary lifestyle instead. Taeyong wasn't sure if he had remembered to tell Jaehyun about that detail. Probably not, since he hadn't laid much thought on his father for the last couple of years. _So daddy got his revenge on me after all thanks to his shitty genes. Great.  
  
_The nurse came back with a couple of pills and a glass of water. She looked gleeful.   
  
"It might cheer you up to know that you have a visitor. They're not allowed to come in yet but-.."   
  
  
Jaehyun.  
  
  
  
He interrupted the nurse. "Who??"  
  
She put the water and the tray with pills on the small table next to him. 

"He told me he used to be your doctor. A young man."  
  
  
_Oh thank god for this man. Baby, you're the best.  
  
  
_"Is he here now? I need to see him. Please"  
  
"Visitors are sadly not allowed here at this hour"   
  
Taeyong frowned. "Alright. I'll go myself" He sat up in the bed to check if he could walk with the iv drip. The sudden movement made him surprisingly winded.  
  
The nurse rushed to him and grabbed his arm. "You are not allowed to walk before they've controlled the situation with a CT-scan!"   
  
Taeyong groaned and threw his head back against the pillow. He looked pleadingly at the nurse with his saucer-like eyes. "Come on, please let me see him! I feel super lousy here alone"  
  
The nurse sighed and looked around the room. The bed next to Taeyong's was conveniently empty for  the moment.   
  
"I'll ask doctor Young" she tripped away to search for the female doctor from before. 

 

Taeyong had already forgotten about the pills the nurse had left for him. If Jaehyun wasn't allowed in the pills wouldn't be enough anyway. Damn he hated the hospital already. 

 

Soon he heard a familiar set of steps come nearer. A warm, cozy feeling spread in Taeyong's chest when he saw Jaehyun's handsome but tired face. It surprised him every time how elevated he could feel just by meeting this other person. It was like a heavy shroud fell off his spirit whenever Jaehyun was around.   
  
Why was he wearing green scrubs though?   
  
Jaehyun ran up to Taeyong's bed and grabbed his hand.   
  
"Taeyongie! You're awake!" he sounded awfully worried, and looked like he hadn't slept at all tonight. How did he know to come here? They couldn't have called him, right? He wasn't family.  
  
"I'm so happy to see you, Jaehyun" he said in a thin, coarse voice.   
  
Jaehyun petted him over his coal black hair, and it felt nice and reassuring.  
  
"I've been dying from worry, Hyung, you cannot imagine..." his voice started to break, and Taeyong realized that his eyes must have become puffy after crying.  
  
"Shhhh, Hyunnie" He answered and reached his hand to grab Jaehyun's neck. He pulled him down gently, indicating that he wanted to be kissed. Jaehyun inhaled sharply but answered the request by meeting Taeyong's blueish lips in a sweet kiss.   
  
The older relaxed when feeling Jaehyun's soft, kissable lips against his own. This was how it was supposed to be, hospital or not, sickness or not. Just them two, shutting out the rest of the world.  
  
Jaehyun pulled away an inch, afraid that he might endanger Taeyong's breathing. His eyes traveled quickly across his face, searching for any sign of distress. There was none.   
  
"This nasal tubethingy is awesome" Taeyong said with a small smile before meeting Jaehyun's lips again with a delicious sound.  
  
  
Jaehyun lower lip suddenly began to tremble and he pulled away, sniffing noisily. "Sorry I'm tired"  


"What's wrong?" Taeyong asked when he saw Jaehyun's sudden devastation.   
  
The younger shook his head and rubbed his eyes with one hand.   
  
"it's just that I… I fall to pieces when I'm with you"   
  
He looked genuinely sad, and Taeyong didn't know how he was supposed to react. He almost seemed… Hurt? Shouldn't Jaehyun be happy to find him awake and alright?  
  
"You okay Hyunnie? I'm okay, really"  
  
Jaehyun sniffed and gathered himself, exhaling loudly.   
  
"Yeah" He straightened his back and looked down at their intertwined hands. "It just feels that I let you down. I didn't know you were going to get this sick. You almost... Fuck, you almost died, Tae"  
  
Was it that bad? Taeyong didn't have a clue about what had happened. He just remembers how he almost suffocated in the middle of the night, and after that, he doesn't have any clear memories.   
  
"I'm okay, I'm okay, see?" Taeyong realized his own voice was a little shaky too. Jaehyun's strong reaction scared him whether he wanted it or not. He hoped there weren't any surprised the other doctor's were hiding from him. 

"You promised me that I'd be alright, remember? And here I am"  
  
"You had an embolism, just as I expected. I should have taken you to the hospital earlier" Jaehyun was squeezing his hand so hard it almost hurt, but he did not comment it. It was a tender pain.   
  
In the corner of his eye he saw the nurse watching them, and it reminded him of their situation.  
  
"Jaehyun, why are you wearing scrubs?"  


"Huh?" The younger seemed like he had completely forgotten, and looked down on his lower body. 

"Oh yeah. Well, funny story, I panicked and tried to get in here earlier to see you, but the guards escorted me out and then I just waited outside the CCU until the nurse came and told me that you've awake"   
  
Taeyong cringed internally. It's endearing how much he cares about him, but the young doctor could be so incredibly naive at times.   
  
"Really? Oh Jaehyun you're so stupid... Be thankful that I'm too tired to be angry with you"   
  
The younger looked apologetically at Taeyong and released his hand.   
  
"I'm sorry"   
  
He looked really tired. His usually glowing skin was dull and grey, and he had dark circles under his eyes. _He stayed here all night for me. He loves me,_ Taeyong thought. He wished the other had the courage to say it out loud because he needed to hear it right now. He needed it like a medicine; he needed it to be able to stand again. To be whole. But Taeyong wouldn’t beg – not for this.  
  
"Is my mother here?"   
  
"I don't know" Jaehyun answered.   
  
"You look wrecked"   
  
"I know"   
  
"But kinda hot in those scrubs. The pants and top doesn’t match though"   
  
Jaehyun blushed and looked down at his feet, still sniffing a little.   
  
"Taeyong...."   
  
"Don’t worry, I like it when you're such a mess" the older whispered and reached out for Jaehyun, grabbing the thin green fabric covering his thighs. He looked at him longingly - pleadingly, really.   
“But don’t be sad, please. That makes me sad, and you’re supposed to make me happy”

Jaehyun relaxed his shoulders and gave Taeyong a strained smile _. Close enough._ He crouched down next to the bed and cupped his cheek tenderly to kiss him on the mouth again. Taeyong grabbed his wrist and held him close, not letting him go just too early. He felt bold and surprisingly needy, so he deepened the kiss slowly, working Jaehyun's lips apart with his tongue. The younger whimpered and tried to pull away, but Taeyong held his wrist hard.  
“Please” he whispered against Jaehyun’s lips, before closing the small gap again.   _I need your air._  The younger relaxed a little and let the other kiss him.  
  
Taeyong saw the nurse tending to another patient in the background. They had a little time together, and Taeyong was determined to make the most of it. He needed this man close to him, he needed his touch and his protection, more than any drugs. In this state of vulnerability,lying alone in a narrow hospital bed, in just _this_ moment he needed Jaehyun’s gratification, more than anything.  
  
_Say the words I can’t say, tell me what I need to hear, tell me what I know you feel._ Taeyong knew it was way too early in their relationship to expect anything more than simple praises, they didn’t even know each other yet, but he was so sure about Jaehyun – every cell in his body wanted this man to tell him that they belong.  
  
  _Say it. Take me home._ He yearned to feel valued – something he hadn’t felt since his parents ditched him. Taeyong lacked the courage to say these things out loud, so he would settle on waiting patiently for Jaehyun to make him his. What his mouth couldn’t say, he hoped his fingers and lips could, touching Jaehyun in a way that spoke of affection and gratefulness. 

 

Eventually Jaehyun pulled away, and the older was forced to let him go.  
  
"Oh Yongie, how can I leave you alone after this" He spoke quietly.  
  
"Then don't" Taeyong answered, and pecked his upperlip gently, gathering some strength to speak. "Don't leave me alone anymore, I need you, I might not always express it that well but I really need you".  
  
Jaehyun sniffed again and scrunched his eyes. He leaned over him and put his arms around Taeyong's upper body, hugging him tightly.   
  
"Just don't shut me out too much. You can talk to me. Tell me when you feel unwell" Jaehyun whispered against Taeyong's shoulder.  
  
"I know". He would try. He would try to let him in, and maybe then Jaehyun wouldn’t grow tired of him.  
  
Maybe they could fight that inner voice together. 

Jaehyun embraced him for a while until he seemed to have calmed himself down enough to let go of his boyfriend. The nurse was approaching them anyways, probably trying to hint to Jaehyun that it was time to go. 

"Go home and sleep. You can come visit me when they move me to the other department"   
  
Jaehyun checked his watch. 

"Well it's Monday. I have to go to work" Jaehyun said sadly. 

"It's Monday? Wow, okay"

The nurse was looking impatiently at Jaehyun, urging him to just leave before he got into more trouble. The younger sighed and stroked Taeyong's arm once more.   
  
"I need to go now. I'll come back in the afternoon. Please eat your food and rest well"  
  
Taeyong nodded. "Well there’s not much else to do. Please come back quickly and take me away from this godforsaken place"  
  
Jaehyun smiled weakly before turning around to be escorted out by the nurse. 

The older watched his back until he was out of sight. Then he breathed out slowly.   
  
  


Alone again. 

He remembered the pills on the table and took them quickly with a big gulp of water. 

_Now, let me sleep._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally managed to post this badboy :))  
> i actually don't like writing smut but... Yeah. This chapter is also basically me talking about how pretty ty is so pls forgive me

Taeyong spent a few infuriatingly boring days at the department of internal medicine. They run the genetic tests they should have done to his father years ago, and found a certain defect in a protein that made the blood clot faster. Taeyong would have to eat anticoagulants for the rest his life - but that was a small price to pay for his life.  
  
"You'll forget about it in no time. It's just one pill a day. I mean girls eat contraceptive pills everyday and there's no fuzz about it. And Johnny takes antihistamines every day" Jaehyun said with his professional voice, seated next to his hospital bed.  
  
"But I'm not a girl" Taeyong whined, sitting cross-legged on said bed playing with his Nintendo switch.   
  
"Well you take Quetiapine every day too"  
  
"I feel like a granny taking these fucking heart pills"  
  
"They're not heart pills..."  
  
Indeed, Taeyong recovered fastly (like young people do) and even managed to put on a few kilos during the sedentary stay at the hospital. Jaehyun was dying to tell him how adorable his squishy cheeks looked, but he knew it was better to just shut up and pretend nothing had changed with his appearance. He looked a lot healthier though - maybe it was a proper rest and some wholesome nutrition he would have needed all the way from the start.  
  
The problem was that he wasn't allowed to dance, at least not strenuously, for a month. Jaehyun was dead afraid the older would flip out from boredom or just ignore the ordination and go practicing anyway. So he kind of made the decision for both of them to take the man home, just to be able to watch over him better.  
  
"I'll take you home tomorrow" Jaehyun said before leaving for the night.  
  
"I should inform my flatmate... He might already be using my room to grow weed" Taeyong said sourly without lifting his gaze from the console.   
  
"I thought that you'd might want to stay at my place until your breathing gets better. Doctor's orders, you know" Jaehyun answered, trying to sound as authoritative as he possibly could.  
  
Taeyong blinked. "Which doctor?"  
  
"Me?"   
  
The older thought for a while and scratched his neck. Jaehyun could see he got nervous by the suggestion, even though he probably tried his best to hide it.   
  
"Okay" He eventually said and continued playing his game.   
  
"Okay?"   
  
"Yes, I'll stay with you. I just need to go get my clothes and my computer from my room..."   
  
Jaehyun couldn't hide his smile anymore. He would get to play home with his boyfriend. His _new_ boyfriend, who also happened to still be sick and recovering, but who cares. He would get to see Taeyong's adorable smile when coming home from work and maybe most nights at dinner. If he had early morning lectures he might be able to drive him to the university too - that would be a lot safer than taking the bus with all kinds of feverish people spreading their nasty viruses. Obviously he would never take advantage of Taeyong's illness, but a little day dreaming didn't hurt anyone...   
  
"Yes of course! We can go via your place first! I'll make some room for your stuff in my guestroom"  
  
The older finally burst into a wide smile, making his nose crinkle adorably as he looked up from his lap.  
  
"Don't expect me to have dinner ready when you come home from work"   
  
"No, no, of course not" Damn, the boy could read his mind.   
  
"I will use your kitchen though"   
  
"Feel free, it's all yours"   
  
"Cool"   
  
"Great"   
  
They ended up looking awkwardly at each other, neither knowing how to naturally continue their discussion about how Taeyong all of a sudden was about to come live with Jaehyun for an undefined period of time. The younger was standing by the door, and even though he wanted to kiss Taeyong goodbye a second time just to break the awkward silence, he chose not to, just for the sake of looking cool and decisive.   
  
The older had paused his game by now, and was instead playing with the long strands of hair at the back of his head. It didn't seem like he had cut it at all when he dyed it black some time ago, so it was getting pretty long quickly. Long and wild. Jaehyun loved it.   
  
"Okay, I'll be going now. See you tomorrow then. I'll be asking the nurse if you ate your dinner so no cheating" He said and opened the door.   
  
"Tsss. Bye, Jaehyunnie" Taeyong said and waved lazily.   
  
Jaehyun smiled before leaving the room. He nodded at the nurses he walked past in the department, and hurried to the elevators. He would need to go home immediately to start preparing for Taeyong's visit. The apartment was a mess since he'd spent most evenings at the hospital, just coming home to eat, sleep and change. A thorough cleaning was required - maybe also a visit to the grocery store and the florist. Or would the other find it too cliche if he bought him flowers? _I wish you a speedy recovery baby, you look cute with your swelled ankles and needle marks?_  
  
In the elevator he accidentally jumped into Johnny, who apparently was finishing (or starting) his shift. He was talking with two other younger doctors when he noticed Jaehyun.   
  
"Heyy Jae! I can't believe I haven't seen you earlier even though you've been here basically all week! What's up?" Jaehyun had obviously told Johnny all about the drama that happened last Sunday. Johnny had even been kind enough to go check on Taeyong when he was being transferred away from the CCU last Monday while Jaehyun was at the Health care center.   
  
Jaehyun nodded in the two other doctors direction. "Slowly getting to know the place" He answered.   
  
"By the way, Chen, Laura, this is Jaehyun, he will be joining our squad in a few months" Johnny introduced him to his colleagues.   
  
"Are you the guy who went into CCU pretending to be a student?" the girl asked him. Jaehyun got slightly taken aback - he didn't know Johnny had told what had happened to his friends as well.   
  
"I don't remember telling you?" Johnny replied in a confused manner.  
  
"I heard Dr. Kim got real pissed and forbade having students outside office hours around the CCU" the shorter man said, ignoring Johnny's question.   
  
"No that's not true..." The girl named Laura pointed out.   
  
"Uhm, Johnny?" To say Jaehyun felt uncomfortable was an understatement.  
  
"Will you shut up, please!" Johnny sneered at both Chan and Laura. "Yeah sorry Jae, rumors spread here like the plague. It's not like these guys have any personal life worth mentioning of..." he elbowed Chan when the shorter was about to protest.   
  
"How's your boyfriend doing?" Laura asked kindly, ignoring the comment. Boyfriend? Johnny told them about that _minor_ detail too?   
  
Jaehyun's face was turning beet red while he praised the higher powers about the fact that the elevator had reached its destiny. Without answering the question, he stumbled out of the elevator promptly and turned to face the surprised trio of future colleagues.   
  
"This is my stop, nice to meet you all.." he mumbled before turning around and walking as quickly as he could outside the hospital doors. He would need to have a serious discussion with Johnny about this later. And preferably demand to be placed in a different department because he didn't want to discuss the CCU-incident ever again.   
  
  
  
  
  
01.23 Taeyongie  
_Heyy do you have a hairdryer?_  
  
Jaehyun woke up to his phone beeping. After Taeyong's embolism he had promised himself to always have sounds on his phone. Unfortunately it meant being constantly woken up by texts from both Johnny (working the night shift) and his boyfriend (annoying the night shift).   
  
The bright light of his phonescreen hurt Jaehyun's eyes as he read the text one more time. What on earth....   
  
01.25  
_Yes of course I do_  
  
  
01.25 Taeyongie  
_Ok good do you have a juicer?_  
  
01.26   
_Well yes I believe so... Why? Why are you up_  
  
01.26 Taeyongie  
_The nurse refused to give me sleeping pills and I've already slept half day so I'm not tired :((( Btw do you use an electric toothbrush?? I can't remember if you did_  
  
01.27  
_I have but I'm not using it atm, but, what, why?_  
  
01.28 Taeyongie  
_Ok good the guy sharing my room here has one and i HATE the sound of it in the mornings_  
  
  
Jaehyun sighed and got up to sit at the edge of the bed.   
  
01.28  
_Baby I need to sleep. I'll get you everything you need tomorrow when you arrive._  
  
01.29 Taeyongie  
_Ofc!! Sorry I just couldn't sleep and thinking about not being able to make my veggie juices stresses me out._  
  
01.29  
_It's ok. Ask for some hydroxyzine, it's safer than the addictive shit they give you there. Goodnight <3 _  
  
1.30 Taeyongie   
_Night <3 _  
  
Jaehyun got up and went to the dark kitchen to check if he actually owned said juicer. He found it pushed away under the sink, and took it out for cleaning. He must really like his juice, to make Jaehyun get up in the middle of the night to search for the damn machine. He wouldn’t be surprised if half of Taeyong’s meals consisted of some detoxifying, anti-aging, negative-calorie veggie smoothie based on celery and activated almonds. Such nonsense wouldn’t be tolerated in Jaehyun’s wholesome household – Taeyong would have to eat at least three proper meals a day with enough carbs and protein to- …  
  
Jaehyun stopped himself mid-thought.  
  
Taeyong would never accept such. He would hate being treated like a patient. Or worse; a child. No, if he wanted to keep the boy under his roof for longer than 12 hours he would have to respect his right to make his own decisions. And it wasn’t like Jaehyun would be home to force-feed him his lunch either. No, all he could do is support him to his best ability and guide him in the right direction if he falters again. 

  
Jaehyun hadn’t dared to talk about Taeyong's mental state with him, but somehow he knew that things weren’t just right with his former patient. He had probably lied about being completely recovered – it ain’t like eating disorders are just some infection you get rid of with antibiotics. It takes years and years for the underlying mindset to get back on track again, and the risk for relapse is always present. Adding to that, it’s not the weight you put on that defines your recovery. Heck, there’s loads of normalweight people who’s been suffering from anorexia and bulimia for years – it just doesn’t show, because it is an illness of the mind, not the body. Jaehyun believed Taeyong because he had looked healthy enough at their first appointment, but he should have known that his mindset was still awry.

Maybe he should ask. I mean, he hadn’t read his psychiatric records out of respect. Surely they could talk about it? Ask what’s happening in that pretty head of his?

Jaehyun almost overslept due to his nightly juicer cleanse (yes the machine), but managed to drag himself to work. He was kind of excited to quickly get all his patients done with so that he could drive to the hospital to pick Taeyong up. The older hadn’t done much else than complain about how boring and lousy it was being hospitalized so Jaehyun didn’t want to keep him there any longer than he had to. His lungs were getting better now, since the clots had withered away and and the tissues once again got the proper supply of oxygen.  
  
So indeed, as soon as he was done with his listed patients, Jaehyun drove straight to the hospital to pick his own private patient up. To his delight he noticed how Taeyong had made a new friend with his roommate (an older man being treated for erysipelas), so he was busy saying good bye while Jaehyun came in to the room. 

  
"Take care, halabeoji. I'll invite you to our dance shows" 

  
"Hope to see you soon anywhere but here! And don't let the demons bring you down, I believe in you boy!" 

  
"Yes, halabeoji. Thank you, halabeoji. Don't be mean to the nurses" 

  
"Pah! Just leave before i get tired of your face for real" 

  
Taeyong laughed and walked up to Jaehyun who was standing by the door. A hesitant hand came up to rest against Jaehyun's back. 

  
"One more question before I leave! Am I supposed to check out or something? Like a hotel?" Taeyong asked the older man reading the newspaper in his lap.

  
He scoffed with feigned anger. "What makes you think I know how hospitals work?? I'm not that old, you bastard!"

  
Taeyong bowed while smiling at his older roommate.

  
"Fair enough. Jaehyunnie, take me out of here"

  
Jaehyun flinched when hearing his name being mentioned. He bowed in the direction of the older man before following Taeyong out the department.

  
The older was already waiting by the elevators, probably eager to get out of the sickhouse.

  
"You don't know how good it feels to leave this place! Taeyong sang when Jaehyun reached up to him.

  
" Well, actually I do, I used to work here as a student" Jaehyun pointed out.

  
"Doesn't count" the other answered and pressed the button to the elevator.

  
He was wearing the clothes Jaehyun had brought with him when picking up Taeyong's phone from his apartment. It was the first time Jaehyun had been into his room and he felt like such an intruder since he was there with Taeyong still at the hospital. It was a surprisingly cozy room; very neat and tidy but warm too, with lots of decorative lightning and candles and plants. Jaehyun had taken the liberty to water the plants as well, since they didn't know how long Taeyong was gonna stay at the hospital. He also made his bed, since he could see that the older had left the apartment in a hurry. It hurt to know that he had been feeling so unwell that he left the apartment still in his pajamas, without phone nor wallet. It was so relieving to see the older being himself again.   
  
“What did that old man mean with ‘demons’?” Jaehyun asked. The comment hadn’t gone unnoticed. Which demons? Taeyong’ demons? Something he wouldn’t talk to Jaehyun about but gladly told a total stranger in the hospital?  
  
“Ah, nothing, he was just bumbling about. Wow, Jaehyunnie, I’m so freaking happy to get home and sleep in a real bed” the other chirped.

  
_Fair enough, he doesn’t want to talk about it_. Jaehyun decided to drop it, not wanting to ruin the other man’s good mood. He was happy Taeyong was happy, and even happier about the fact that he would come to _his_ home.  
  
They would now head straight back to Taeyong's apartment to get his stuff. Jaehyun was honestly surprised over how eager the older had been about staying at Jaehyun's place. Maybe his flatmate wasn't the tidiest?  
  
"Have you eaten dinner already" Jaehyun asked the older while waiting for the elevator. 

  
Taeyong shook his head and picked up his phone. Apparently he had made a grocery list of stuff he wanted to cook with. Or maybe make juices with, Jaehyun reckoned. The grocery list was super adorable though. Adorable - but long, including a surprisingly long list of different kinds of sweets and at least three mentions of canola bread. 

  
"If we have time tonight i'm gonna cook"  
  
"What do you mean if we have time?"   
  
Taeyong looked at Jaehyun with his head tilted to the side.   
  
"Well, we need to get my stuff, shop food, then I need to pack up and settle down a little, then I'm gonna kiss you a few times"   
  
"a few?" Jaehyun asked smilingly.  
  
Taeyong pretended to think hard. "Hmm, maybe... Maybe three or four times, no more"   
  
"Lucky me" Jaehyun chuckled.   
  
The elevator finally arrived, and the doors opened with a ring. Jaehyun was pleased to find it empty - he wasn't in the mood to talk with Johnny's friends or people from uni at the moment. He was still a bit shaken from yesterday's revelation that Johnny had gossiped about his nightly CCU-visit to his colleagues. He hadn't brought it up with him yet, but Johnny had apparently felt Jaehyun's disappointment and therefore sent an apologetic text later that evening. He swore he had only told two colleagues, but since hospital staff lived on drama to survive the hard work, the rumor had spread like wildfire - partly because it involved a future colleague who also happened to be so controversial as to be gay, _god bless_. Jaehyun decided not to tell Taeyong about it - he didn't want him to think he was even more of a fool than he already was.   
  
They stepped into the elevator, and even before the doors had closed completely Taeyong had thrown his hands around Jaehyun's neck and pressed his small frame up to Jaehyun's bigger one. Jaehyun let out a muffled sound of surprise when the older's full lips claimed his in a passionate kiss. It was quick and wet and ferocious, leaving Jaehyun so startled he almost forgot they were in an elevator moving downwards.   
  
"Jae i've missed you...You're so handsome today too" Taeyong purred between their kisses, before pressing their mouths together another time. Jaehyun's hands were about to land on the older's waist when a digital bell rang, indicating the elevator was stopping. Jaehyun pushed Taeyong away in an instance and moved to stand against the opposite wall, hoping his ears weren't crimson red already.   
The doors opened, and indeed, two nurses stepped in to the elevator as well. Taeyong and Jaehyun rode down in silence, staring at each other from the opposite sides of the elevator. Something had definitely caught fire between them, making the air thick like smoke. Taeyong's eyes were burning with desire, staring straight at Jaehyun despite the nurses awkward presence. His chest was moving up and down, and Jaehyun hoped it was from excitement and not from being out of breath again.   
  
_Well this was unexpected,_ Jaehyun thought. He almost felt uncomfortably by how Taeyong was stripping him with his eyes in front of the nurses. But undoubtedly his pulse rose as well, and a delicious  itch to touch spread throughout his body. Too bad they had a lot of things to before they could go home -the older could of course have timed his teasing a little better.   
  
The elevator reached the lobby floor and Jaehyun and Taeyong followed the nurses out. Taeyong's hand immediately went up to lie on Jaehyun's lower back, gliding down to his buttocks. The younger blushed violently.   
"Taeyong! What are you doing?" He hissed at the other one. He didn't mind being touched, it truthfully turned him on an awful lot - heck, Taeyong's rudeness was even making him hard. It was just that they were still in the freaking hospital, and getting hard in his future workplace was a big and definite no-no.   
  
"Sorry, can't help myself, you're hot and I've been bored to death since last week."   
  
"Can't you wait 'til we get home?" Jaehyun looked nervously around to see if there was anyone around who could recognize them.   
  
"Not really." Taeyong whined.   
  
The younger sighed demonstratively and kept his distance to the shorter man, however keeping his eyes fixed on his every move. Jaehyun couldn't deny he looked very nice tonight. His cheeks were having a nice healthy shade of pink again, and his hair was clean and laying thick over his forehead, almost covering his eyes. His eyebags were gone too. Taeyong had definitely been in need of this forced rest.  
  
But he wasn’t in mood for resting anymore.  
The moment they got into the car the older reached out for Jaehyun to give him a big smooch on his cheek. Jaehyun couldn’t relax since anyone could still see them through the window from the hospital parking lot. He quickly fastened his seat-belt and turned the engine on.   
  
“Kiss me” Taeyong whined next to him, pulling at the younger's shirt.   
  
“I’m afraid someone will see us. They know me here” Jaehyun muttered.  
  
“Come on” Taeyong breathed next to Jaehyun’s neck, partly lying over the gearing stick, efficiently stopping Jaehyun from driving away. _Damnit, this boy-…  
_  
Jaehyun grabbed his neck and gave him a hard, long kiss on the mouth, pulling his hair just the slightest to make him sound. God, he felt good against him, lips soft and glossy from his lipbalm, and Jaehyun kind of needed to deepen the kiss, but they were still in the parking lot in broad daylight and there was just too much to risk, especially since Jaehyun had already made a fool of himself once at the hospital.  
  
He broke the kiss and grabbed the steering wheel again.  
  
“There. Let’s go, sweetie”  
  
Taeyong leaned back against his seat with a satisfied smile on his lips.  
   
“I’m feeling really good today” He said cutely, and put his hand on Jaehyun's thigh.  
  
Jaehyun backed out from the spot he’d parked on, looking over his shoulder.  
  
“That’s… that’s good, baby” He said, concentrating on maneuvering his car in the tight space.

After some while they were out on the road. It would take just 15 minutes to drive to Taeyong’s place since the hospital was conveniently placed next to a highway. Taeyong told him about the older man he had befriended in their room. Apparently he had participated in the wars so he had entertained Taeyong every night telling bloody stories about battles and sore feet on the field. He had felt a lot less alone thanks to the older man, but night time had been kind of a struggle since there wasn’t really anything to do after 10 o’clock when the veteran fell asleep. His friend Jina had brought him some games to play on his console, but even those got boring after a certain amount of hours.   
  
“I seriously thought about escaping, but then I remembered that I’m in the hospital by my free will, and that I could leave at any time if I just wanted to which kind of made the idea of ‘escaping’ kinda lame, so I thought, maybe I’d take care of my health for once and stay here until the doctor’s tell me it’s safe to go”  
  
“I would have been so mad at you for leaving”  
  
“Yes, you would” Taeyong laughed. “But yeah, that’s how boring it was there”  
  
His hand had gradually traveled higher and higher up the younger’s thigh, and Jaehyun wouldn’t seriously have noticed unless his fingers weren’t brushing at his crotch. He shifted a little to protest, but that made Taeyong just raise his hand even higher to a more strategic place. Eventually he was grabbing at his crotch, laying just enough pressure to make Jaehyun’s lower stomach boil.  
  
“Taeyong” He commented, hoping that the other could save himself for later. Jaehyun was still driving, and he didn’t want to cause an accident as the first thing they did since leaving the hospital.  
  
“You like this” Taeyong murmured in response, squeezing a little more. Jaehyun swallowed, knowing his body was betraying him by the way his jeans suddenly felt a whole lot tighter. Just a few kilometers left, luckily. Just a few kilometers and they could lock themselves in Taeyong’s room like some stupid high school kids.  
  
“Don’t you?” Taeyong repeated, kneading a little more.  
  
“Mhm” Jaehyun hummed, biting his cheek to keep his focus on the road. It wasn’t  easy, because his eyes wanted to wander from Taeyong’s hand to his body and his face instead of watching the traffic.  
  
“Yeah right you do” the other said in a low voice.  
  
"Taeyongie, seriously... I'm driving".  
  
The older ignored him completely and continued on mercilessly, massaging the younger's crotch until it felt like he was gonna rip out of his pants. The hard fabric was straining him and beginning to hurt.  
  
"Stop driving then" Taeyong replied lazily.  
  
Jaehyun mouthed some silent profanities but kept his eyes on the road. He couldn't just stop here on the middle of the highway. No, he would have to drive to Taeyong's place and just try his best not to be too distracted.  
Easier said than done when Taeyong started to open the belt of his pants with one hand. The clicking sound of the belt buckle was always such a turn on for Jaehyun so he really, really had to focus on his breathing to keep his concentration.  
From the corner of his eye he saw Taeyong watching him closely, probably savoring every hint of embarrassment and discomfort in Jaehyun's eyes. He wasn't humiliating him again, was he?  
They arrived at the traffic lights before Taeyong's street and were forced to stop and wait in line. Taeyong had worked Jaehyun's jeans' button up and was now proceeding to pull down the zipper. The younger watched with horror as cars gathered in front and after them.  
  
"Hey, seriously, could you please wait until we... Oh f-fuck" he crumbled when Taeyong's slim hand slipped into his pants.  
  
_Okay._  
  
_So be it then. Fuck this. Literally._  
  
As soon as the traffic light turned green Jaehyun pressed the gas pedal to the floor, forcing Taeyong back against his seat. He speeded through the narrow streets towards Taeyong's apartment complex, making sure to accelerate whenever he got the chance. There was no time to lose since his blood was hot and his fingers itching to touch the man next to him. It was close to torture to be forced to keep his hands and eyes on the sweaty steering-wheel of his car.  Taeyong had lit him on fire so he better put him out quick too.  
   
"Be... Be careful" the older winced with big eyes watching the road. He retracted his hand and took hold of his seat-belt instead.  _Who’s tough now?  
_  
"I tried telling you that earlier, baby".  He was too hot in his head to take it easy much longer, and besides, he found the older's surprised expression somewhat funny.  
Jaehyun was luckily a fairly skilled driver and they soon curved up the right address. But they weren't gonna park at the usual spot in front of the building. No, Jaehyun drove straight up the service alley to the back of the building were they stored the dumpsters. No service trucks came here in the evening anyways.  
  
He parked next to the building and turned the engines off. Then he pushed his seat back a little and opened up the very much surprised Taeyong's seat-belt.   
  
"Jae, what are you..." he got to ask before Jaehyun grabbed hold of his face and kissed him on the mouth. Taeyong blurted out a muffled wimper before kissing him back with equal passion. It took approximately two seconds before Jaehyun's tongue was tasting the older’s mouth, craving more contact, searching for its partner.

It was awfully uncomfortable stretching over the gear sticks and all that, so Jaehyun went back to sit in the driver’s seat, tugging lightly at the older’s arm to follow. Taeyong took the hint and moved over in the tight space to sit in the younger’s lap, knees around Jaehyun’s thighs, bent against the seat. Taeyong gazed down at Jaehyun before gripping his hair, tilting his head back and meeting his parted lips again. He tastes so fresh, he always does, Jaehyun thought, sucking the other one’s upper lip between his teeth. 

Taeyong had started to breathe hard through his nose, and for a brief moment Jaehyun was once again afraid he was having trouble breathing. But as soon as he pulled away even the slightest the older was after him again, pressing their faces hard together, almost clashing their teeth together from how yearning he was. Jaehyun answered with wet, puffy lips, putting his hands on the small of Taeyong’s back and finding the way under his oversized hoodie. His skin… his cool skin felt so fucking soft and nice and inviting under his hands, and Jaehyun didn’t even notice how he instinctively dug his nails into the soft flesh – bruising the boy they just hade made whole again at the hospital. 

Taeyong winced and answered by pulling at Jaehyun’s hair hard enough to make their lips part with just a string of spit connecting their raw lips.The younger couldn’t help but kiss it away against the corner of his mouth.

“Jaehyun, I wanted you so bad… every night, I imagined your… your hands...” Taeyong breathed against Jaehyun’s cheek, lips trembling. Jaehyun could feel his whole body shiver, so he tightened his hold around him. The older continued after gathering himself a little. "It's just that I've been dying for something real. And you're real. You're here. And you're the best thing I have"   
  
The younger rubbed his hands over Taeyong’s slim naked waist under his hoodie and nuzzled his nose into his neck. He's so pure, like snow. Clean and crisp, soft and pristine - a person like that should never need to be sad. He was the one to have the blue moon around his neck, the sun in his heart and the universe in his eyes - and Jaehyun would gather every single star from the skies to give him if that's what he desired. 

" I am here" Jaehyun murmured, not knowing what to feel because he felt so damn much all at once.  
  
Taeyong sighed against Jaehyun's hair. "You're the best thing I have. You're all I imagined"  
  
Could this be real? Was it okay to feel this happy?  
  
"I imagined you, just like this... Close to me, on top of me, but with far less clothes.” He nipped at the other one’s bottom lip again, taking it into his mouth and pulling in a quite obscene way.

Taeyong suddenly chuckled, killing the delicate moment they have had between them. “You imagine me on top of you?”

“Yeah, why not? That way I can look at your gorgeous body”

“And because you like it when I take control?”

Taeyong started to grind down on Jaehyun’s lap, rolling his hips heavily against the still unbuttoned, unzipped pants. The younger was forced to bite his own lip to keep himself from making a series of embarrassing sounds.  
  
“I think we’re pretty equal” he said instead.  
  
Taeyong smiled wide and tilted his head to his side, exposing his white neck to the small, lucky world inside Jaehyun’s car.  
  
“Bullshit” He smiled, and proceeded to suck at Jaehyun’s neck instead while grinding his hips rhythmically. Jaehyun couldn’t help but aid, pressing down on his bony hips to get more of that sweet pressure against his already rockhard cock. With Taeyong’s lips on his neck, he could pant heavily, making sure the other understood that he enjoyed this completely and fully.  
  
“God, Tae…” he moaned, earning a sharp but delicious bite. He let one hand go from his hip and traced it to his stomach instead, pushing his hoodie up until he could reach his pierced nipple. He flicked at it until it hardened. _It's so sick. He’s here, he’s mine and mine to fuck_ was all thoughtworthy Jaehyun’s horned up brain could produce, while wishing he could strip Taeyong naked right here, right now. Unfortunately the car seat was awfully tiny, only contributing to pressing their bodies tight to each other.

He felt Taeyong’s hand reach down for his crotch again, and Jaehyun lifted the lighter boy easily further back on his lap to make more room. His cute stomach peeked out under his hoodie. Taeyong felt so much more real in Jaehyun's hands – there was more warmth, more strength, not just sheer skin and bones and tired spirit. He prayed Taeyong could realize how pretty he was. If Jaehyun had his look with those sharp features, long legs and delicate hands, he would gladly spend half a lifetime in front of the mirror. But then again, being himself had its perks– here the man he adored was, right in front of his eyes – and if he got really lucky, he might be able to look at him for a long time to come.

“You’re so beautiful” He whispered, as to make sure the other remembered. They were past the sentimental part though, so Taeyong scoffed and blushed, smiling cheekily. 

“Thanks, I guess?”  
  
What a weird thing to say, wasn’t it?  
  
Jaehyun didn’t get to contemplate it too long before the older slipped his hand inside his underwear, grabbing his throbbing hardness into a tight hold.  
  
“Jesus” Jaehyun exclaimed, surprised by the sudden sensation, almost too much to handle.  
  
Taeyong breathed hotly against his cheek, sounding a little winded once again.  
  
“I always forget how fucking thick you are, Jung Jaehyun, damn I can’t wait for you to fuck my brains out” He growled lewdly, squeezing Jaehyun harder, but still not releasing him from the constraints of his pants.  
  
Those foul words made Jaehyun’s head spin with desire, and just about instinctively he placed his hand over the older boy’s firm behind, wanting to spank him ‘til he yelped for uttering such vulgarities.  
  
He could barely wait much longer,  so he began to open Taeyong’s belt buckle in his lap with his other hand, while the older was still squeezing him obscenely inside his jeans.

“Jaehyun, no”  
  
What?  
  
Jaehyun stopped mid movement to look up at the man. He had removed his hand from Jaehyun's pants to push back his long bangs with it instead, exposing his forehead shining from sweat.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“We can’t do it in the car, silly.”

Jaehyun felt confused. The blood was rushing in his body so fast he wasn’t sure if his brain tissues even had time to get properly oxygenated. No way, he needed him right here, right now. His body craved to touch him outside and inside, everything at once. He was way too worked up to just stop here!   
  
“Why not? The backseat is big enough”  
  
“Do you happen to have some lube there as well? For your casual sex-in-the-car-dates?”  
  
Jaehyun let go of Taeyong’s pants.  
  
“Well, no…”  
  
Taeyong hopped easily off Jaehyun’s lap back to his own seat.  
  
“Thought so! Zip up your pants and let’s go up to my room”  
  
Jaehyun felt light-headed but decided to just stay quiet and obey. His boner hurt like hell inside his tight jeans when he pulled the zipper back up. God damn, they weren’t gonna pack his stuff for real now, were they?  
Flustered by the situation, Jaehyun started the car and drove back to the usual parking spaces in front of the house.

They both left the car a little gawkily. Jaehyun couldn’t help but noticing the bulging inside Taeyong’s roomy boyfriend jeans, but he decided not to tease him as he followed him inside the building in silence. He managed to keep this act all the way to the elevator, but as soon as the doors closed behind them he was pressing the older boy up against the wall, pushing his thigh between the older's legs and kissing him breathless. Taeyong pulled away a little as to say something, so Jaehyun attacked his neck instead – placing sloppy wet kisses all over, starting from his knife sharp jawbone to his delicate collarbones. He had never needed anyone as much as he needed this boy right now - right here.   
  
“Last time I rode this elevator I was basically suffocating" he said.  
  
“Thanks that’s… exactly what I wanna think about now” Jaehyun mumbled between his kisses.  
  
“We need to keep it down though, the walls in this building are like paper”  
  
“Note taken” Jaehyun’s fingers were already playing with the waistband of the older boy’s underwear. They had to come off, soon. “Even though I’m not the noisy one”  
  
Taeyong decided not to comment the remark. “And I’m sorry for the mess in advance, I left in a hurry last we-hmmph”  
  
Jaehyun shushed him with a kiss, not wanting to hear him critize himself. His room was meticulously spotless as Jaehyun had witnessed it himself last week.    
  
The elevator stopped and the couple let go of each other reluctantly, however still holding hands between then, just to keep the connection.  
Indeed, a woman their age was waiting for the elevator on their floor. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong’s hand twitch – or was it his own? He couldn’t say – but they insisted on holding on. The older greeted the woman politely, apparently recognizing her as a neighbor, and lead Jaehyun out of the elevator towards his apartment.  
  
Jaehyun felt oddly proud over the man next to him. He concluded this must be the first time he took a boyfriend of any sort to his home. He had earlier told him how he always preferred to go to his one-night-stand’s place instead of his own, just so that he could disappear before dawn to avoid the awkward sobering up over breakfast. Makes sense, really.  
  
They entered the dark apartment, stepping over some magazines and mail that hadn't been picked up.  
  
"Go to my room, I have to talk with him" Taeyong whispered, and went away towards the living room to greet his lazy flatmate, probably also to explain why he had been away and why he's gonna be away some more.   
  
Jaehyun went to his room that looked exactly the way he had left it earlier. It felt weird being at this address a third time, especially since he hadn't been here before with its actual inhabitant. Jaehyun went to sit on the bed he had made himself earlier. He felt a bit rude for not greeting Taeyong’s flatmate, but then again, they were just basically sharing a kitchen and a bathroom and nothing else.  In addition to that, he already felt insanely embarrassed about the fact that the flatmate might get an idea about what’s happening in Taeyong’s room – and he wasn’t talking about packing his stuff. Jaehyun thoroughly hoped Taeyong wasn't _actually_ gonna start packing his bags straight away - the younger was still feeling awfully horny and he had to do something about it to release the pain.  
  
After something that felt like half an eternity Taeyong emerged into the room. He locked the door, raised his eyebrow and looked curiously at Jaehyun who was lying on his bed.  
  
"You shouldn't be lying on my bed with your unclean work-clothes"  
  
Jaehyun put his arms behind his head.   
  
"Well what are you gonna do about it then"   
  
Taeyong looked at him for a moment before jumping up on the bed next to Jaehyun's legs. He then pulled off his thick hoodie and threw it on the floor, revealing his bare upper body. Jaehyun's eyes widened as they quickly scanned the sight in front of him. His mouth dried up when he noticed how the nipple he flicked on earlier was still deliciously pink.  
  
"Wow" he stammered, like he hadn't seen his naked skin before. It was just something about his glow that was different - he had this new vitality about him which made him radiate fortitude. And then of course, yes, he WAS still mesmerizing to watch - and incredible sexy.   
Taeyong chuckled by his reaction, and began to unbuckle his belt. He bit his lip when the jeans fell down to his knees, revealing his smooth thighs and a pair of white Armani boxers Jaehyun had got him when he was in the hospital.   
  
"Oh f-.... Oh yeah" Jaehyun uttered, feeling his blood pumping fiercely inside his veins. God, he looked good. Jaehyun couldn't wait to kiss his inner thighs 'til they were glistening wet, then pounding him until they were red and sore. There was this fucked up innocence about his smooth skin and slim waist that awoke this mad desire inside Jaehyun that at times almost scared him. _Such perfection, and I' m here to spoil it.  
__  
_ "Why do you sound like you just won the lottery" Taeyong asked while kicking his jeans to the floor.   
Jaehyun couldn't help it, he looked just way too irresistible. He got up to sit on the bed and grabbed hold of Taeyong's slim hips, and threw him back first at the bed where he lied himself just seconds ago.  
  
"Ouff" the older groaned when Jaehyun straddled him with his still jeans clad muscular thighs.   
  
Jaehyun gave him a dimpled smile and stroked his tattoo’d hip with his index.  
  
“I already won the lottery since I met you”  
  
Taeyong’s huge eyes widened even more before his cheeks turned crimson red. He looked like he almost wanted to say something for a while, but called it off instead to pull a pillow over his head and whimper from embarrassment.  
  
“Now you got shy” Jaehyun murmured and took off his own t-shirt, throwing it casually on the floor. Then he started pulling down Taeyong’s boxers slowly.  
  
Even though Taeyong could make Jaehyun fall down onto his knees with just a single word, his appearance screamed of his submissive tendencies.  If I only knew how to cater both, he thought when starting to kiss the boy’s thighs on those particular spots he had looked forward to kiss earlier. He still couldn’t comprehend how smooth his legs were. Most other men that Jaehyun had slept with, whether more feminine or more masculine than himself, had rough skin with bodyhair tickling everywhere; but Taeyong’s skin was smooth and soft and pretty all over. Maybe he just took well care of himself? The overly girly boys had actually never appealed to Jaehyun and he didn’t get that vibe from Taeyong either – he was prettier than most girls, yes, but his aura spoke of some masculine strength that he couldn’t connect with the stereotypical femme. Obviously he wouldn’t mind if the older used some specific treatments or products to make himself feel pretty. Jaehyun just wanted to make sure the other understood that he can be his natural self in Jaehyun’s presence, and he would love him none the less.

Taeyong moaned into the pillow he was still holding over his head when Jaehyun took his glistening tip into his mouth. For a split second Jaehyun almost got emotional over hearing the other express his pleasure so freely – he was just so relieved that the other was feeling better again. He had made many promises during Taeyong’s illness, many that he probably wouldn’t be able to keep, and now he made just one more – to be there for him to make him feel good whenever he needed or wanted it.  
  
The older threw the pillow aside and grabbed hold of Jaehyun’s hair, quite roughly to be fair. He began to guide Jaehyun’s movements with his hands, making him speed up and slow down according to his liking. Jaehyun made sure to suck him well, stroking the underside with his tongue with just enough pressure to make the other whimper silently at every slow stroke. Eventually he felt Taeyong pressing harder on the back of his head, wanting him to take him deeper – so that’s what Jaehyun did, addicted by the boy as he was. Slowly he glided down on him until his lips were firmly against the base. In certain angles he could feel the tip of Taeyong’s cock brush against his throat, something that Jaehyun found troublesome with his bigger ex-boyfriends, but this; _this_ Jaehyun could take for sure – he would do anything for his pretty boyfriend to make him happy.  
  
He glanced up towards his face, and saw him biting his lips fervently in a visible attempt to keep his mouth shut. Taeyong wasn’t the one to be quiet during sex, so the struggle was real.  
  
Guided by the older’s shaking hands, Jaehyun kept a steady pace, unable to keep out a few low moands that formed in his throat while working his boyfriend's cock in his mouth. He urged the other on, wanted him to use his hands more, and eventually he felt the other being in control, fucking his hips up against Jaehyun’s hot mouth.  
  
All of a sudden Jaehyun got intrigued by the thought about Taeyong fucking him. He could start by letting him fuck his mouth, just the way he did now – holding Jaehyun’s head steady by his hair, forcing shaking hips upwards against the warmth. Maybe some day he would be brave enough to ask him to fuck Jaehyun instead? God, the thought triggered pretty much everything inside him and he felt his own underwear getting wet by his leaking boner.   
  
Suddenly the moving stopped, despite the older not having come undone yet. Jaehyun released his mouth from the other one’s cock, brushing a string of saliva off his chin.  He looked up at Taeyong who was panting heavily.  
  
“Jaehyun” he breathed.  
  
“Yeah, baby?” Jaehyun couldn’t help it but dive down again to kiss his thigh lovingly.  
  
“Are you okay with using toys? Like, on me? Or I mean, generally? He asked, cheeks a little blushed from the activity.  
  
“Uhm, yeah, sure, I had one boyfriend who liked to use buttplugs on-…”  
  
“I don’t wanna hear about your boyfriends” the older snapped. “But good, okay, check under my bed”  
  
Reluctantly Jaehyun got to sit up next to Taeyong who was already stroking himself quite roughly. The younger checked under the bed and found a fairly large plastic box, pulling it out into daylight. He removed the lid and found a whole collection of vibrantly colored toys of all kinds and all sizes. There were ropes, beads, a freaking whip, plugs, things Jaehyun couldn’t even recognize. He hadn't expected this, to be fair.  
  
“Wow”  
  
“I haven’t used them all” Taeyong said defensively when he noticed Jaehyun’s surprised expression.  
  
“And I thought I was the experienced one…”  
  
“Just because I haven’t had penetrative sex with random strangers who could carry around any fucking contagious virus it doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced. I just did it my own way” The older said with some annoyance in his voice. His hand had stilled as well.  
  
“Okay, okay, I believe you! Okay, what do you want?” Jaehyun said, looking at the things in the box. He couldn’t help but pick up an embarrassingly large dildo (way bigger than himself in every way) and turn it around in his hands. “Have you used this too?”  
  
Taeyong got up to take the monstrous thing from Jaehyun’s hand and put it back in the box. “Let’s not… ah, this one”. Instead he picked up a purple plug in a more… usable size, in Jaehyun’s opinion. “This one I like”. He shoved it to Jaehyun, picked out something that looked like lube and threw it to him aswell.  
  
Then he suddenly started to laugh nervously. Jaehyun felt more than stupid awkwardly waiting for him to give him some orders instead of being laughed at.  
  
“Sorry but you look so confused, it’s funny” The older said, and reached out to put his hands around Jaehyun’s neck. Then he leaned in to kiss him slowly but deeply, tasting himself on the younger’s tongue. It didn’t last long though, because the older was still sailing somewhere at the edge and quite obviously wanted to get his release soon. He turned around and started jerking himself again.  
  
“Put it in”  
  
Jaehyun got startled by the command but proceeded to coat the purple thing with lube. He wasn’t gonna prepare himself or anything…? That's gonna hurt for sure...  _Better be safe than sorry._

  
He pushed Taeyong down against the mattress and took a good look on the man laying in front of him. _Jesus_. He went down to kiss him on his lower back and firm behind, before gently putting in a lubed finger. The older sighed contently, meaning Jaehyun could put in a second finger almost instantly. _God so fucking hot, fuck!_ He had to bite his own tongue not to start swearing about how ridiculously much he wanted to fuck the man in front of him. The other moaned pleasureful and was grinding his hips against the mattress, still searching for the top he had been so close to reach earlier. Jaehyun started panting just by his own horniness, and fingerfucked the other sure but fast. When he began to feel more relaxed, he pulled out his fingers and grabbed the plug instead. Taeyong was shuddering under him in anticipation of what was to come. The lubecoated, shiny plug of smooth plastic went inside without further resistance, though causing the older to whimper against the mattress.  
  
“Good job baby” Taeyong moaned after feeling the fit, and turned around to face his boyfriend again.

“Does it feel okay?” Jaehyun asked.

  
The older looked lewdly at him with half lidden eyes and open mouth. “Almost as good as you”. He threw his head back and started touching himself again. It was a fabulous sight, something Jaehyun would put into his special treasure chest of superior sexual memories for further use.

  
“Jae, stand up and take off your fucking pants” Taeyong said firmly. “And take them off slowly”

  
Jaehyun couldn’t believe he had been waiting to be _ordered_ to remove his pants. He still couldn’t wrap his head around how powerless he was in front of the older boy – how easily he could be maneuvered and ordered by this so called bottom-player. But he liked it a lot.

"You're gorgeous Hyunnie, everyone should see you. Now, show me what you got" 

He got up and started unbuckling his belt. Taeyong watched him closely from his bed while touching himself. Jaehyun watched his large, dark eyes move according to Jaehyun's hands; his long, wild hair and thick dark eyebrows made him look so dramatic, and the way his sensual, plump lips were parted as he breathed was just so intoxicating. No, Jaehyun had to swallow his own words - there was nothing innocent about Taeyong at the moment, since every single move he did was inviting Jaehyun to come have a taste. 

He kept stroking himself hard while he watched Jaehyun take off his jeans. He followed the older's eyes wander down to settle on his bulge that now finally had gotten freed from the confinement of his tight jeans. It was such a relief to remove his boxers as well. He noticed the fabric was wet and sticky; he had been horny for far too long and just watching Taeyong made him leak. 

"my god Hyunnie, I'm close..." the other panted while speeding up his own hand, making his thighs shake. Jaehyun couldn't just stand there anymore, so he walked up to the bed, grabbed Taeyong by his hair to tilt his face up so that he could kiss him deep. His other hand settled to play with the metal bar decorating his chest. 

It didn't take long before he could feel the older crumble in his hands as his handmovement became erratic and sharp. He broke the kiss to moan as silently as he could against Jaehyun's neck while he came onto his own hand and Jaehyun's stomach.   
  
"that's right Yongie hyung, you're so good" Jaehyun mumbled as he placed small kisses along the shaking black haired boy's neck. 

Taeyong collapsed against the bed, breathing hard and quite loudly. 

"you okay?" 

"fuck yes", the older sighed and wiped some sweat of his forehead with the back of his hand. 

Jaehyun crawled back up to the bed to lie down next to the other. Taeyong seemed exhausted by the ordeal and closed his eyes to gather his breath.

The younger could actually be satisfied with this only, having a sweaty, relaxed and happy Taeyong lying next to him, but it was hard to forget about the ache in his lower regions. He was painfully hard and he couldn't just make it go away by its own, at least not as long as his boyfriend was lying naked next to him. After thinking about his options for a while he decided it would be better to just come undone himself. The older seemed pretty weary, and Jaehyun didn't want to push him too much either since he'd just been released from the hospital. But he just couldn't stop thinking about that thing... The plug that was still...  Ah, damn. 

After catching his breath for a while, Taeyong turned on his stomach to watch redfaced Jaehyun jerking himself off. He looked awfully pleased with himself as he purred next to Jaehyun, tracing the grooves and ridges on his stomach with his fingers, totally not minding what Jaehyun had been doing for the last couple of minutes. 

"You know, watching you turns me on again"

Jaehyun, who was breathing heavily, reach out with his free hand to touch his puffy lips. It made the older smile for a moment before proceeding with kissing Jaehyun's fingertips. Jaehyun was getting closer to his release, speeding up his hand and grabbing Taeyong's neck with the other. 

Jaehyun could feel the other's burning gaze all over him. His body was his pride, and he was pleased to know his boyfriend was enjoying it as well.  

"Hey, stop" Taeyong suddenly said with his hand on Jaehyun's chest. 

Again? 

Jaehyun stopped midmovement and he instantly fell down from his high he had been so close to reach. Would he never let him come, for god's sake? He hadn't predicted this, just like he couldn't predict Taeyong at all. Maybe he wasn't feeling well? 

"What?" 

The older leaned in and kissed his lips wetly, giving the lower a slight tug. 

"You wanna come like that or do you wanna fuck me, you sexy boy" he breathed hotly against Jaehyun's face. 

Damn. Holy shit, yes, yes, yes. 

Jaehyun kissed him back eagerly since he wasn't sure how to answer properly, lacing his fingers into his jetblack hair. 

"Hmm?" Taeyong hummed against his mouth, breaking the kiss and putting his hand on Jaehyun's hardness. 

The younger groaned. "Do you even need to ask? Of course I want to have you"

Taeyong laughed lowly and got up to sit, massaging the throbbing flesh beneath his long fingers. 

"Well then", he said suggestively, "you need to get rid of this toy first" 

Jaehyun's insides were boiling by how freaking turned on he was. 

He quickly got up to sit on his knees and asked the older to turn around to sit on his knees as well. He grabbed his waist from behind and hugged him tight, kissing his neck despite being tickled by the hair on the back of his head. With one hand he went down to touch the screamingly bright purple plug. It's surface felt so smooth under his fingers, and he reckoned that it probably felt way better for Taeyong. This whole toy-thing intrigued him, and he kind of hoped the older would have the courage to pick out more things from that secret box under his bed. There were so many things Jaehyun wanted to do with his tiny boyfriend - the thought made him shiver. 

Instead of pulling it out, he pushed it in just a little bit more, just to hear Taeyong make a muffled sound low in his throat. It made him feel a bit bad, but that's okay. 

"You like this Hyung?" 

Taeyong tried to wiggle out of Jaehyun's hold but he couldn't. 

"I'd like you more, baby" 

Fair enough then.

He let go of the older and pushed his tummy down against the mattress, making him whimper again due to the change of angle. Jaehyun wanted to look at him, and it was way easier when the other was just lying spread out in front of him. He traced the purple edges one more time before grabbing the base and slowly starting to pull it out. Since it was shaped like a cone it resisted at first, but after a good tug (And Taeyong biting down on the pillow just to shut himself up) it slided out nicely. 

"oh fuck..." Jaehyun mumbled. He threw the plug to  the edge of the bed and grabbed the older's hips, lifting them up a little. He couldn't help but leaning down to kiss his slim lower back, kissing his way lower and lower. The plug had made his pucker all red and swollen and it was just way too much for Jaehyun to handle, and he suddenly forgot what he even was supposed to do. An eager tongue went down to trace the rim, teasing, tickling, until neither of them knew how to handle the overflow of sensation. 

"Jesus christ Jae, I don't wanna scream" Taeyong mumbled and grasped at the sheets. 

Jaehyun hummed, not sure if he had enough patience to eat him out either since he'd been painfully hard for the last 30 minutes. He decided to stick to it just a little longer, just to watch the other crumble. He pushed his hand in under him and was pleased to find the older hard again. Funny, how fast he could recover from an orgasm. 

"Jae!" he nearly shouted, when the younger squeezed his length beneath him and the mattress.

Jaehyun raised himself up to his arms and sighed demonstratively.

"How do you want it then" 

A slight disappointment shone through Taeyong's eyes when he turned around to look at Jaehyun. Apparently he did enjoy it all too much, he was just playing whiny. He crawled back up to sit on his knees.

He looks so young, Jaehyun thought with some guilt. He had the body of a boy, slim and blemishfree - if Jaehyun didn't know his real age he would probably not have touched him before making sure. Oh lord, how to live with these thoughts... With this man? 

"Jae?"

"Huh?" 

"I told you to lie down. Aren't you listening to me?" 

"Oh... Oh, sorry Hyung"

Yeah. This - boy- had him chained on an invisible collar. 

He quickly stretched out on the bed, his cock curling up against his stomach, continuously leaking from how fucking turned on he was. He should probably tell Taeyong that he liked it when he told him what to do. No, he loved it. He kind of wanted more of it.   
The older picked up the lube again and squirted some onto his fingers. Then he coated Jaehyun's cock with it, which embarrassingly so was enough to make Jaehyun groan. 

"Easy" The older said and put the tube away. He then climbed up on top of the younger, straddling his hips. Without much hesitation the younger put his shaking hands on his slim hips. He knew what was about to come, and it made him dizzy because he also knew how mindblowing it would be. 

Indeed, Taeyong steadied himself with one hand on Jaehyun's broad thigh, before taking a deep breath and lowering himself onto Jaehyun in one go.   
The slide was very slick, but Jaehyun was so afraid he would lose it and just come at once from how tight Taeyong felt when he reached deep enough.

"Oh my fucking god Jaehyun you heavenly bitc-... You-... fuuuuckk" the older swore and clenched his fist against Jaehyun's thigh until his knuckles were white. 

Jaehyun couldn't breath, couldn't speak, so he just held Taeyong's hips waiting for permission to move.   He waited for the older to sit down on him completely, until his hips burned from how warm the contact of skin was.

When Taeyong was down, he exhaled sharply, before slowly starting to move against Jaehyun's hips.   
Jaehyun moaned loudly (too loud) when he felt the older moving. For a moment he got scared that the sleezy flatmate might have heard him, but seeing his black haired boyfriend riding him made the thought fly away like dust. Following along his movements, he let his hands slide up and down his waist. When Taeyong’s moves seemed confident enough, he gripped him a little bit harder, enabling him to lift him up just the slightest, only to make him slam against him in a most enjoyable way.  
Taeyong’s mind was in the clouds somewhere high above them. With hard and sharp breathes, he tilted his head back a he bounced up and down Jaehyun’s length. The nails on his fingers would leave marks on Jaehyun’s thigh, the same way as Jaehyun’s hard grip might just as well bruise his waist. 

He rode him so well, letting his hips roll dirtily just to make Jaehyun hit the right spot inside. At times, Jaehyun held him down to grind him a little harder – reaching a little deeper, making the black haired boy shake from frentic pleasure. Jaehyun tried to ignore the fact that he imagined Taeyong's slim belly bulging, and even though he knew it wasn't true, his imagination played him ugly tricks making him go absolutely wild.

“Yongie, how are you even real” He mumbled, pulling his hips down harder every time.

Taeyong didn’t answer anymore, he was somewhere else in his own private state of mind, moaning loudly, totally forgetting about the promise to be quiet. Small pearls of sweat rolled down his pale skin, sticking around the protruding veins in his arms and lower stomach. One single pearl was stuck in the pit of his navel, and Jaehyun wanted to scoop it up, since everything about this boy was precious like the rarest gem. He didn’t need his tattoo, he didn’t need his piercings – no decoration possible could make him more expensive than what he already was.  
Jaehyun almost failed to realize Taeyong was already coming for the second time today.  
  
“Ahhh, I’m gon….” He moaned while squirting hot white liquid over both of them. The younger was also almost on the brink of coming, and he rammed his hips up towards the older boy as he pulled him down to make their skin sing. The build-up he had been harboring was soon to be released, making his eyes roll back as he watched stars and fireworks glimmer against the inside of his eyelids.  
  
In the aftermaths of his orgasm, Taeyong’s muscles cramped rhythmically around Jaehyun, and it was the final straw needed to push the younger over the edge head first.  
  
“Taey-… fucking hell! Fuuuuck” He swore, coming hard inside the other. Taeyong leaned down over him, kissing him hotly while his mind floated into the closest equivalent of nirvana. It was heaven, alright, floating out of your body into complete existential release, feeling everything and nothing at the same time – until realizing you have the prettiest boy in the universe above you, kissing you breathless. Jaehyun got suddenly overwhelmed by emotion, and he pulled the other closer by his waist.

“I’m so happy you’re feeling well again, god Taeyong, I love you, I missed this so much, I-… “

He was still high on his orgasm, but something clicked inside him as he uttered those words, sobering him up in a heartbeat. Taeyong tensed up too and stopped kissing Jaehyun’s cheek.

Oh god. _I didn’t…_

“What did you say?” Taeyong uttered in a small voice.  
Jaehyun went through a hundred different scenarios in his head.

It was way too early. They didn’t even know each other properly yet. Taeyong would finally see how desperate he is, and he would be totally turned off by this naive fool believing in love at first sight. And why the fuck would he say it in this awkward post-coital setting, _fuckfuckfuckfuc_ k-... And what now, should he lie? Tell him that he said something completely different? Or just ignore it? Or maybe tell him it again, one two three to fifty times, just to make sure he understood how madly in love he was with him?  
  
“Baby?”  
  
Jaehyun knew he was red like a beetroot.  
  
“I … I don’t know” He stammered. _Coward._    
  
Taeyong blinked a few times, all his insecurities pooling up in his dark eyes, but then he smiled slightly and the moment was gone.  
  
“Okay”  
  
Jaehyun pulled him by his waist a little more, nuzzling his nose into his shoulder, not really wanting to look into his eyes anymore.  
  
“I’m a bit overwhelmed, sorry”  
  
“Okay” Taeyong said again.  
  
The older sensed how incredibly awkward Jaehyun got, and smart as he was he wouldn’t rub it in any more than necessary. Maybe this was just one of those things that wouldn’t be mentioned anymore. Forgotten in a room smelling of sex and sweat.  
  
“Was it good for you?” The older asked, completely changing the subject.  
  
Jaehyun wondered why he did it, though. To save his own ass from a potentially embarrassing conversation, or trying to help Jaehyun save his?  
  
_Later, they’ll talk about it later._ _Or maybe never._ Jaehyun didn’t know what he wanted either – it was all so sudden.   
  
_Gather yourself.  
_  
“Amazing. And you?”  
  
“Totally. You’re the amazing one. You know that, don’t you?” Taeyong teased and rolled off Jaehyun who was still buried inside him.   
  
Jaehyun whimpered from being overly sensitive. “You’re … uh” He accidentally touched his stomach and it was sticky and nasty and god he really needed to take a shower but there’s another guy in the apartment for god’s sake. "You're a good person" he finally said, looking to his side where Taeyong was lying and massaging his sore neck. "Probably the best I've met"  
The older tensed up again, and looked him straight in the eye. Jaehyun knew he spoke the truth, even though it was clumsy. He was celestial, an angel descended from the sun and moon. And he knew he spoke the truth earlier too, but such truths cannot be uttered as lightheartedly.  
  
“Thank you, Jung Jaehyun, so are you” he replied, actually sounding touched.   
Jaehyun leaned in and kiss him gently on his sore and puffy lips. He still tasted sweet, despite everything.

A moment later, Jaehyun laid on his back again, staring at the ceiling and trying to calm down his erratic breathing and racing heart. He couldn't let go of analyzing the older's reaction to his accidental confession. They would have to deal with his blunder later, right? They couldn't just pretend it didn't happen and forget about it? A sting went through his heart when thinking about how easily Taeyong might just have swept the comment under the carpet. What if he wasn't on the same level as Jaehyun regarding their commitment to this budding relationship? It was completely plausible. But then again, he had been the one to propose exclusivity... They were boyfriends, after all. _Right?_  
  
"Jae?" Taeyong was resting his head on Jaehyun's chest, drawing mindless circles on his still sweaty skin.  
  
"Yeah, sorry?"

”You alright?”  
  
”Me? Yeah yeah of course”  
  
Taeyong hummed and let his fingers wander over his skin. It tickled a little, but in a quite pleasant way.

“Just tell me if there’s something else you’d like…”  
  
“What?”   
  
“I mean, like, if there’s something you’d like to do”  
  
Was he talking about sex?   
  
“Oh, yeah, uhm, yeah” He answered awkwardly, trying to shake off the distress from his mind. He felt like such an inexperienced teenager next to this man, it’s shameful.  
  
“I thought…” Taeyong said hotly, biting his lip. “Would you be okay with maybe doing it the other way around next time?”  
  
Oh. Wow.   
  
The older got nervous by Jaehyun’s stunned silence, and continued on stammering slightly. “Or I mean, sometime, not necessarily next time, like, only If you’d want it…”

Jaehyun put his arm around the other.  
  
“Yes, yeah, I’d.. yeah, sure” He said with more confidence.   
  
“Really?” Taeyong seemed confused, probably doubting the honesty in Jaehyun's answer.   
  
“Yes, of course!”  
  
“Have you bottomed before?”  
  
“Yes, I have, many times”. His last boyfriend for example… that douche… well, he preferred to top. Jaehyun used to like it – God forbid, he couldn’t simply grasp how he had enjoyed anything with that twat.  
  
“Oooh” Taeyong said, sounding genuinely surprised. “I’ve never… Well, with a girl but… that’s many years ago”  
  
Jaehyun reached down to pat him on his butt.  
  
“You’ll do fine, baby”  
  
Taeyong got up to his arms and pouted.  
  
“I’ll fuck you up”  
  
“You can try” Jaehyun said with a laughter, pleased to see that everything was still normal between them.  
  
The older got up and went to search through his closet. His body was glistening from sweat and what not in an almost magical way - or then it was just Jaehyun still being high on hormones and endorphin's – but he couldn’t take his eyes off the older's naked backside.  
  
Taeyong took out a towel and threw it to Jaehyun.  
  
“I’d suggest we take a shower at your place. Like, seriously, you don’t wanna go in to our bathroom”  
  
He put some loose sweatpants on himself and unlocked the door.  
  
“Where are you going?”  
  
“To that particular bathroom” Taeyong said, rolling his eyes. “Clean yourself up”  
  
Jaehyun sighed heavily when he finally was left alone in the room.  
  
He was happy, yes, but exhausted. His body was tired, his mind was weary – the last few weeks had truly been such a roller-coaster of emotions. He suddenly remembered why he had decided to stick with his ex despite never really falling for him – he just didn’t like the unavoidable stress of being in a new relationship. Not knowing what the other liked, what the other didn’t like, when to advance to the next level and when to just slow down. It was draining to constantly be afraid of not pleasing Taeyong enough.  
  
Taeyong, beautiful Taeyong, who was so warm and soft and lively, why couldn’t Jaehyun just enjoy him without constantly stressing about what the other might think of this and that? Soon they woud be living together for some time (neither knew for how long, they hadn’t even discussed whether they were talking about days or weeks or months… Jaehyun was too afraid to ask), so Jaehyun could just hope he would feel comfortable in his home. He hadn’t even decided how to treat him in his home yet. Was he a valuable guest whose needs should be tended to at every occasion, or was he just a close friend borrowing the couch for a few nights? He frowned when he realized how stupid his thinking was – these kinds of things should come naturally, not by forced planning. He was his boyfriend, and he should be treated as one.   
  
  
  
Jaehyun woke up when Taeyong nudged him. It took a few seconds for him to realize he had fallen asleep on the other’s bed when he was in the bathroom washing up. He flinched so hard he almost hit Taeyong’s thigh with his fist.  
  
“Awww did you sleep well” the black haired boy said and stroked his hair.  
  
“How long did I sleep?”  
  
“Not more than half an hour or something. I’ve packed already”  
  
Jaehyun got up to sit at the edge of the bed, feeling dizzy from the sudden wake up. And he was still completely naked. He scanned the room to find his underwear, seeing Taeyong’s neatly packed bag at the same time. The box with toys had been pushed back under the bed as well.  
  
“Damn, sorry… I’ll… I’ll just put my clothes on”  
  
Taeyong was wearing his grey sweatpants and a loose, white tee. Tidy as he was, he had put Jaehyun’s clothes on a chair next to his bed. When Jaehyun was fastening his belt the older suddenly begun to laugh.   
  
“What?”  
  
“He heard us” Taeyong said with a grimace.  
  
Jaehyun groaned and turned his back to Taeyong to hide his violently reddening face.

Of course that lousy flatmate of his had heard them. The whole floor had probably heard them by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will it be domestic bliss in the Jung household?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting complicated now... ;( poor yong  
> //Might be some bottom!Jae next chapter :O//

 

It was almost 11 pm when Taeyong was done with the cooking. The trip to the grocery store had taken a lot longer than anticipated, and when they finally arrived at Jaehyun's place the clock was already half past eight. Jaehyun had bought everything and more on Taeyong's list with his own credit card, refusing to accept any money from the older. Despite the guilt of being an involuntary freeloader, the older felt somewhat relieved by Jaehyun's generosity since he wasn't sure if he had even half the worth of the bill on his own card. Cooking was the least he could do as a thank you. Furthermore, Jaehyun had bought him a small mountain of fresh fruit and veggies, clearly not thinking about their capacity to eat them before they spoil – Raised to be economical, Taeyong felt an obligation to cook with them as much as he could so that it wouldn’t go to waste. So despite being offered take-away, Taeyong had decided to cook tonight, no matter how late it got.

Jaehyun had just taken a shower and came out to hug Taeyong from behind until the older's tee-shirt got all wet.

The wet strands of his hair tickled Taeyong's neck, making him shiver and squirm in protest.

"I'm starving. And tired as hell. I think i'm too tired to eat but too hungry to sleep" Jaehyun mumbled while Taeyong was plating the thai inspired stir fry he had made for them.

"Don't you dare sleeping on my stir fry" Taeyong said nosily and turned his face against Jaehyun, who was still hugging him from behind. Their noses touched and his breath hitched in his throat. The hand on his hip burned him, and Jaehyun's fresh scent of after-shave turned his world upside down once again.

Taeyong closed his eyes as he breathed in Jaehyun's air, completely forgetting about the ladle and the plate in his hands.

Jaehyun's hand disappeared under the older's t-shirt as he swallowed thickly.

"Jae..."

In that moment, lips and noses just centimeters apart, in the arms of this man, Taeyong thought about those words that Jaehyun had accidentally slipped. He knew they were honest and he had been dying to hear them, but he wished he hadn't heard them as result of an emotional slip of the tongue. He wanted to hear Jaehyun say them without an ounce of regret, as proudly as he had held himself when coming to visit his boyfriend in the hospital. Taeyong was afraid that he couldn't just wait patiently for the right moment to come. He needed recognition and appreciation more than food and water - he could live on air alone if he just got offered Jaehyun's affection on a daily basis. And just like nutrition, a lack of that sweet admiration would starve his core into a thin sheet of transparent paper. Right now, in this particular moment he felt fine, but he needed those precious moments of unconditional love as mental stamina when the darkness came to drown him, as it always eventually did.

He couldn't help it when he reached out for his lips.

And a second later he heard a loud smashing noise.

He jumped from Jaehyun's hold like a scared cat. The plate he had been holding had broken into multiple pieces as it hit the hard stone floor.

He covered his mouth with his hands.

"Oh my god" he shrieked, and went down onto his knees to pick up the pieces. "I'm so sorry Jaehyunnie"

"It's okay, it's okay...." Jaehyun said kindly and went to search for the broom.

Taeyong was utterly ashamed. How had he become this clumsy all of a sudden? Had the lack of oxygen injured his brain after all? He hadn't been in Jaehyun's apartment for longer than just a few hours and he was already breaking things. Gosh, he hoped the plate wasn't too expensive, because he would definitely need to buy a new one to clean his conscience. All he wanted was to cook for his boyfriend and...

"Ah!" he winced, when a piece of sharp porcelain cut into his finger.

It took a few seconds before the blood started gushing out of the clean, moon shaped cut. A few crimson drops fell on the grey stone floor.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Jaehyun came back with shoes on, a broom and his vacuumer.

"I'll have this cleaned up in no-t... Hyung did you cut yourself? You're bleeding!" He quickly put the cleaning equipment down and ran over to the older.

Taeyong groaned from self loathing.

"I'm so sorry for making such a mess...." The blood was running down his forearm, staining his t-shirt. He looked at the floor and thanked the gods that there wasn't a ridiculously expensive Persian carpet or anything covering the kitchen tiles.

He wasn't usually frightened by a little gore, but the pulsing blood flowed so easily that he had to concentrate not to let the budding panic take over him. Jaehyun had lifted his arm up above heart level and was compressing it with the nearest kitchen towel.

"Don't be sorry, it's nothing" Jaehyun mumbled while trying to stop the small cut from bleeding. Small was indeed the word for it, but it was bleeding like crazy.

"Fuck it's everywhere" Taeyong whimpered, feeling the tears burn in his eyes, not from pain but from shame. "Why is it bleeding this much?"

Jaehyun pressed the wound harder. "It's because of that anticoagulant you're eating. It thins your blood out. I don't have sutures here but we could try to glue it together"

"Glue? What, with superglue?" that didn't sound too medical.

"Yeah, it's common superglue we use at the hospitals too. Press it hard so i can go fetch some"

Taeyong went to the bathroom as to avoid making even more of a mess. He didn't know where Jaehyun kept his cleaning equipment (the vacuumer and a broom wouldn't do anything for the blood) so he couldn't even begin to wash the floor. The messy floor made him incredibly anxious – partly because he was a neat freak, partly because he was the one to have caused it.  Well this didn’t begin too well, he thought, and pressed harder onto the wound on his finger. _Jaehyun's hungry and tired and now i'm just forcing him to patch me up like he didn't have enough of that at his own workplace already. I'm such a moron..._

"Let's clean it up a little before gl... Hey, baby, are you crying? Does it hurt?" Jaehyun emerged into the bathroom where Taeyong was standing above the sink with a low hanging head. Oddly enough, seeing Jaehyun walk into the bathroom reminded him of that one time they fucked in the shower, but it obviously didn't make Taeyong feel any better in this particular situation.

Taeyong shook his head and sniffed. He hadn't even realized the tears had started rolling down his cheeks. Jesus...

"No i'm... I'm fine, I'm so sorry Hyunnie"

Jaehyun kissed him on the cheek quickly before picking out some sanitizing alcohol from a cabinet which was full of different fragrances and hair products. Taeyong remembered him saying that he nowadays can't use much at all due to his work.

"Stop saying sorry. Let's patch you up"

Taeyong winced when the alcohol burnt his finger. Jaehyun put an elastic band around the base of his finger to stop the bloodflow before applying glue to the wound. It stung quite a bit.

"Sorry I look like shit" Taeyong apologized as he saw himself in the mirror while Jaehyun was waiting for the glue to dry. He had bloodied himself quite thoroughly.

Jaehyun sighed demonstratively. "You're pretty even when you cry and got blood everywhere"

Taeyong sniffed. "You're weird"

The younger pinched his wounded finger a little to check the hold of the glue before removing the elastic. The bleeding had indeed stopped. "Then we're two" Jaehyun finished the wound off with some sturdy bandage, nothing like the one's you bought from the store.

"Thank you Hyunnie" Taeyong said silently before walking ashamedly out of the bathroom. He had that almost obsessive urge to clean the kitchen as fast as possible so that he could move on from this mishap. Ignoring Jaehyun's protests, he picked up the broom and started sweeping to gather the pieces. The younger sighed but joined in, putting the broken porcelain into a trash bag.  
   
"Try not to bend that finger, at least" he said defeatedly.

Taeyong grimaced and straightened his back, stiff after the hospital visit. The blood was still disturbingly visible, so he removed his dirty t-shirt before realizing that he didn't know where Jaehyun stored his laundry.

"Uhm" He stuttered, before Jaehyun turned to look at him standing bare-chested in his kitchen with the bloodied t-shirt in his hand.

"Damn" Jaehyun gasped and put the vacuumer down onto the floor, biting his lip.

"What?"

Jaehyun's ears turned red. "Nothing. What's... What's up?"

Taeyong realized Jaehyun was staring at him, and he instantly blushed. He was still unaccustomed to the effect he seemed to have on the younger man. Jaehyun was so endearingly responsive and easy to read, just like a children's book. He never even tried to hide his adoration, or desires, for that matter. And right now he was devouring Taeyong with his eyes, not caring the slightest about the splatter of blood over his arms. Then again, he had probably seen more blood during his studies than any healthy person should even need to see.

" Yeah, can I wash this somewhere? It's probably destroyed anyway but..."

Jaehyun walked up to him and reached out for the shirt. His fingers brushed lightly across Taeyong's stomach, making all the hairs on his body stand up.

"I have this detergent that basically kills everything smaller than a horse if inhaled. Your t-shirt will be as good as new"

Jaehyun disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Taeyong facing the mess he had made onto his boyfriend's kitchen floor.

 

  
They finished their dinner by midnight. Jaehyun had urged Taeyong to eat up, but he had lost precisely all of his appetite after bleeding like a pig around Jaehyun's home. At most he just nibbled at his stir fry, pushing the food back and forth on the plate. Food he cooked himself never tasted as good as food that someone else had cooked for him.

"Aren't you gonna eat? It's amazingly good, hyung!" Jaehyun said with his mouth stuffed.

 "Nah, I still feel kinda nauseous after the hospital and the bleeding... I'll save it for lunch tomorrow" , he replied, avoiding his eyes.

Jaehyun looked at him for a while, chewing quietly. The judging gaze fell heavy upon the black mop of hair, forcing the older to take another bite. It didn't taste like anything, except oil and fat. Fat and misery.

"What are you going to do tomorrow? I leave for work around 7”

Yeah, what was he gonna do? If he had practice or lectures the next morning he went early to bed, but if not, he usually ended up playing computer games with his flatmate up until early morning, and slept in 'til afternoon. But right now he wasn't allowed to dance. That. Sucked. Impossibly. Much. And then there was the sick leave too… Even though he despised his work at the bar he liked the feeling of being useful and earning money whether it meant serving strangers whisky on a Tuesday night or cleaning up after some drunk. He wasn’t simply allowed to exert himself too much, which basically ruled out 60% of his usual, daily routine.

"Uhm, sleep I suppose... Haven't thought about it"

Jaehyun took another bite. "You’re not gonna attend lectures then? It would be a good opportunity to focus on your studies now"

The tone of voice Jaehyun used pissed him off. There it was again; the parental words of wisdom, babying him like he was a sickly child. This man, - who in fact was even younger than him - had no right to question how he spent his time. Taeyong felt his cheeks flaring up and he was about to say something venomous, but was luckily interrupted by those kind, caramel eyes. _He just wants the best for me. He loves me. He really didn’t say anything wrong._ Taeyong hardly even deserve such kindness that Jaehyun projected on him with his worries. So the older calmed down in an instance.

"Yeah, you're right I suppose. I'll sleep in tomorrow though; I can go to the university on Thursday."  
Jaehyun smiled delightedly.

  
The next day, Taeyong woke up to Jaehyun’s empty apartment for a second time. He had had a fairly good night of sleep, only waking up once due to some weird nightmare about fallen plates and hopes. He checked his phone, ignoring the schedule of his classes flashing on the daily calendar. If he was sick, he might as well be properly sick for this month. Today he had planned to just enjoy being alone for the first time since being taken into the hospital. If he got lucky he might not even have to endure listening to the nagging in the back of his head. He would take a long, relaxing bath – that couldn’t possibly trigger any anxieties?

Indeed, he decided to try the bathtub after having prepared half a litre of carrotjuice with Jaehyun's brand new juicer. The hot bath was just as nice as Jaehyun had made it sound when he described it yesterday, untying all the knots in his tense muscles. When he was done a good 45 minutes later (ending up with wrinkled skin all over) he put a face mask on went to relax on the sofa. The clock was only 1 pm.

13.07  
_Heyyy whazzup, I’m out of the hospital_

13.10 Dongyoung  
_Congrats maan, live n kickin ;DD_

 

13.11  
_Barely! What are you guys doing? I’m at J’s place and it’s so fancy I’m afraid to touch anything_

13.12 Dongyoung  
_Practising. Taking a break atm_

 

13.12  
_Nowayyy, actually, I’m not allowed to dance but I could surely take the subway and come watch? ;____;_

13.14 Dongyoung  
_Actually, we’re finishing in just an hour. Tireeed. Everyone’s jealous of your sickleave haha_

13.15  
_Oh okay. Well could you pls share into the groupchat when you’re at the studio next time, I wanna join~~¨_

13.15 Dongyoung  
_Yeah ofc dude!! See you the next time_

13.15  
_And don’t be jealous of me being sick, being sick sucks ass_

13.16 Dongyoung  
_ahah bet it does_

Taeyong let his phone drop down onto the sofa, making a miserable thumping sound.

As nice as it was, he was totally not used to this feeling of being useless.

Being alone in someone else's home, without the comforting sound of his roommate hitting his console trying to finish yet another game. Living on the top floor, without any neighbours… Taeyong hadn’t even imagined it could be this quiet in an apartment in the middle of the busiest city centre. And despite having the spare key, he felt kinda trapped, almost felt like a housewife or... Or a pet dog left home for the day. And this was just after half a day. How on earth would he manage to spend his time with trivial things for the rest of his sickleave?

_You'll gonna get fat and lazy._

Taeyong tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head, but he couldn't help looking down at his flat stomach where he sat half dressed on the sofa. He pinched it slightly just to make sure the only thing he got between his fingers was skin and skin only.

_Jaehyun won't like you if you get fat._

He sighed and ended up throwing his legs up the armrest. Why was he getting these thoughts all of a sudden? He had been feeling quite okay for the last year, but then this lung embolism happened... Jaehyun happened...

Wait - how could a happy event like starting a new relationship make him feel somewhat... Worse? It wasn't like Jaehyun had critiqued him or anything, quite the opposite - he was showering him with praise after praise, putting him on a piedestal whenever he got the chance.

_He's painting this perfect picture of me in his mind,_ he thought. _He cannot yet see the reality through the cracks. But he will, eventually. He'll see what a lousy piece of shit you are and he'll leave you, just like your parents did._

Taeyong knew he should go talk with his therapist again soon, before he regressed back to his sick, black and white world and lost all the progress he’d carefully made during the last couple of years. He was still in that stage where the slightest hit would push him out of balance if he didn’t shield himself well enough from the depressive schemes of his mind.

Whatever happened, he couldn't project his struggles on Jaehyun - he refused to deny Jaehyun his happiness by forcing him to listen to why he felt like a complete waste of time and resource. Didn't he have to deal with miserable people at his workplace every single day anyway?

Of course Taeyong knew that keeping all his shit away from his boyfriend wasn't the right way to deal with the issue. His therapist would probably suggest having a session together, all three of them. Taeyong might accept such a solution in a case where they had been in a relationship for a few years already. But after being together for just a month or so ? No way – instant suicide for all things romantic.

He would have to deal with it alone. This sudden relapse of his schizophrenic and anorexic thought processes was probably temporary anyway; Probably just a reaction to his near death experience... A reaction to all the new groundbreaking things happening in his life… Like finally have feelings involved with sex.

Such extreme examples. He pushed the thoughts away and picked up his phone again, scrolling mindlessly through social media. He decided to take a selfie of himself so that he had something to share with his followers that had been waiting for some updates on his condition. 

Taeyong realized they had been making love on this couch as well, and a warm, tingly feeling spread from his top to his toes. He thought about how close he had been to let Jaehyun fuck him in the backseat of his car yesterday. Fuck, that would have been so freaking sexy, why didn't he let him at least suck him off there yesterday... Without really noticing, his hand had travelled down into his loose sweatpants.

Oh well. Jaehyun wouldn't come home until late afternoon so he might as well jerk off. Maybe he could postpone his crazy with some relaxing, physical release. With newfound energy he jumped up to go fetch his laptop from his bag, then spending at least half an hour figuring out Jaehyun’s wifi-password (which wasn’t anything cute as Taeyong4ever, unfortunately). His horniness had almost subsided when he was done, so he had to put on some cheesy western porn with men twice his size and fell back against the sofa with a hand in his pants, thankful he was out and about from that awfully unsexy hospital. Jaehyun in scrubs was the closest he could get to his McDreamy fantasy anyway. 

Jaehyun came home around six o' clock, apologizing for having to deal with some difficult cases overtime.

"God, I had this freaking druggie who refused to leave without an OxyContin prescription... In the end we had to call in the guards to escort this person out" Jaehyun complained irritated while hanging up his coat.

"Maybe he or she was in pain?" Taeyong said from the couch wherehe was playing on Jaehyun's playstation. That playstation was by the way heaven sent - without it he would have probably gone completely bonkers from boredom after finishing jerking off to shitty porn.

"What?"

"Maybe this patient was in pain and really needs those painkillers?"

"Uhm, yeah, well" Jaehyun stuttered, a bit surprised to be professionally questioned by Taeyong.

"I mean, just because someone has a drug addiction doesn’t mean they can’t have somatic problems too"

"... Yes, but there are many other ways of dealing with pain than taking strong opioids. I offered h... This person gabapentin but they would have none of it"

Taeyong shrugged and continued with his game, glancing in Jaehyun's direction.

The younger met his eyes for a brief moment, softening his expression. After putting his briefcase away he walked up to the sofa and put his arms around Taeyong's shoulder from behind.

"You're way smarter than me, we know that already" He said, kissing the older's cheek.

"Yes" Taeyong answered, hiding back his smile. He was still focusing on the game in front of him.

"How was your day?"

"weeelll... I think I'll sleep a few more days but then I'll happily go back to the University. It's so tedious doing nothing"

Jaehyun kissed the top of his head. "Enjoy doing nothing. It's a rare luxury at least in my profession"

Taeyong suddenly paused the game and glanced behind his shoulder where Jaehyun was making his leave.

"I think too much if I'm alone doing nothing. I end up having a conversation with myself and that's just disturbing since you both know what the other is about to say"

Jaehyun straightened his back and frowned slightly.

"Okay...well I guess that's a problem" He said suspiciously, not really understanding what Taeyong meant. "Are you feeling alright?"

"As good as it gets" Taeyong answered unnecessarily laconically. Jaehyun made an affirmative humming sound before walking away towards the bathroom.

_Was I being too weird again?_

A strange feeling took over him as he quickly put the console down.

"Jaehyun?"

The younger was already halfway through the door but stopped immediately as he heard his name being called. A kind of uncertainty flashed in his beautiful brown eyes. Worry didn't suit him. Taeyong preferred to see him always happy, small whiskers forming around his nose when he smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna play with me?" God it came out dirty.

Jaehyun stared at him for a moment like he had dropped the L word.

"I'd love to play with you, or do you mean the game?"

The strained atmosphere was lost to the wide smile appearing on the older’s face. 

"I was in fact talking about the game, silly"

 

  
Taeyong got hooked on the new Spider-Man game and played it for the rest of the evening. He didn’t want to disturb Jaehyun too much either - he knew how busy the younger was with his work and never ending studying for specialization. For himself, he just enjoyed having Jaehyun around, smelling his scent and hearing his footsteps sound on both tile and parquette. They ate dinner together, basically just the left-overs from the day before plus some sides Jaehyun’s mom had prepared for him. Taeyong hadn’t eaten anything else than his veggie juice he had for breakfast so he was genuinely hungry and managed to finish his plate like mommy’s big boy.

“Did I tell you about that dude Johnny met at the bar we all went to?”

“No?” Taeyong asked, watching Jaehyun’s fingers tap against his glass of beer, He should become a surgeon with those long, pretty fingers or his. Or a pianist - whatever.

“When Johnny didn’t succeed in scoring a girl, he ended up hanging out with this thai-dude for the rest of the night. Well, this particular dude, had someone managed to find Johnny on social media, and asked him if he wants to join him and his friends to some party this saturday”

“Well? Sounds pretty innocent”

“Yeah, but I checked this guy up on Instagram. I’m totally sure he’s gay, so he basically asked Johnny out” Jaehyun mused.

“Did he accept?”

Jaehyun shrugged. “I think so, yes. Johnny can’t say no to a chance to party”

”How are you so sure he’s gay just by looking at his instaposts? Aren’t you being a little prejudiced?"

Jaehyun picked up his phone with a vicious grin. He typed and scrolled for something before he showed the screen to Taeyong.

“Look”

Taeyong saw a picture of two fairly cute boys holding hands out on a pretty beach in the sunset. One of them was kissing the other on the cheek.

“Hmm, that’s pretty gay, I guess”  
   
Jaehyun went back to smiling stupidly, texting something to someone probably concerning Johnny and his Thai stalker.

“You think my insta-account screams I’m gay aswell?” Taeyong asked. “And as I said earlier, I wouldn’t care if I got outed. My parents and my friends know anyway. But what’s your honest opinion?”

Jaehyun put his phone down.

“Well, I’m not following you, you have a private account”

“Really? Why not?” A hint of hurt seeped through Taeyong’s voice. In his latest posts he had been quite expressive regarding recent emotions and events (without mentioning names, obviously) while stil being vague enough to just appear deep and thoughtful if you didn’t know he was in fact falling in love. He thought Jaehyun might have seen those posts and felt the message. Earlier today he had posted a selfie telling his followers how he _“Just took a bath, finally free from the smell of hospital :O_ ” (oh god). The picture had got quite an impressive count of likes and comments, all wishing him a speedy recovery or praising his looks. In the picture he was indeed just wearing sweatpants, hanging low on his hips, and an almost see-through top – the same things he was still wearing de facto. But Taeyong knew how to angle his body to make it look sexy and flirtatious in just about any outfit, at least based on the number of thirsty commentators under the pic. He had kinda wished Jaehyun would have seen the picture. He had imagined Jaehyun checking his phone between some patients, suddenly seeing this picture of his hot boyfriend lying on his very own couch, waiting for him to get home from work… - But apparently he hadn’t seen it after all.

“I was scared I guess. Didn’t wanna appear as a stalker”.

”But come on, follow me!”

“Okay” Jaehyun continued with a wicked smile. “Ah here you are” He mumbled. ”Accept it, then”.

Taeyong quickly accepted the request by _yoonohmide_ and proceeded to watch Jaehyun’s eyes flicker across the screen. He noticed a small collection of nice, artsy pictures on Jaehyun’s account. Nothing that screamed anything about his persona, apart from maybe a few medicine related set ups. Jaehyun seemed to be a surprisingly good photographer.

“Oohh here’s a lot” Jaehyun said, scrolling further down with his index. “Nice”. Scrolling, scrolling… (Yes, Taeyong, aka instafamous, posted a lot to keep his followers entertained). Suddenly Jaehyun’s eyes widened. “Wow okay”

”What?”

”Is this really you?” Jaehyun said, and showed his phone screen to the older boy. It was a picture from a photoshoot he had last year at a theatrical convention. He was wearing a studded choker, a corset tied tightly across his narrow waist (He almost broke two ribs when they tightened it), tight ripped pants and enormous platform boots to emphasize his thin thighs. The eyemakeup he wore that particular day was exceptionally heavy, and in addition to his bloodred hair, he could totally see why Jaehyun wasn’t able to recognize him. After posting that picture he had gotten a lot of weird inquiries to his inbox.

“Uhm, yeah, that’s me”

Jaehyun looked back at the screen.

“I’d be damned… wow”

“You think it’s hot?”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip. “Uhm, yeah, it is sexy. But in my opinion there are lots of other pictures of you that are way sexier”

“Like what?” Taeyong was intrigued.

Jaehyun continued scrolling with a smile playing on his lips every now and then.

“Did you just take a screenshot?”

“Maybe” Jaehyun laughed. He then turned the screen to the older. “This pic. I find this pic so freaking hot”

It was a picture of him with messy hair, a big, white boatnecked t-shirt hanging loosely on his shoulders, exposing his collarbones. He was sitting crosslegged on a bed, either wearing very short shorts or nothing at all. It was taken 9 months ago.

“Oh, that. Yeah. I can’t remember who took it.”

”Of course not…” Jaehyun said and raised one eyebrow. ”Whoever it was, I’m hella jealous. From this moment, I’m the one to take your camboy pictures”

Taeyong giggled and buried his face into his hands. “Jae! I’m not…”

 

  
Later that evening in the shower, Taeyong was going through the recent things Jaehyun had said, including the camboy comment as well as the promise (or allowance?) he had given him the day before in bed. He couldn't keep his mind from wandering, thinking about all the things he would this hot man of his later tonight. Taeyong had always been a sexual person, needing release and stimulation for all of his senses on a regular basis to keep his act together. It had been hard enough to deal with his urges at the hospital, but here, under the same roof as Jaehyun, it felt close to impossible. His deep, velvety voice alone was such a damn aphrodisiac that it got Taeyong sweating and flushing like a teenager. So it wasn't a surprise when he concluded that his horniness  hadn't subsided with just jerking off - he needed more, way more, preferably Jaehyun in any way possible.

Everytime they had sex Taeyong was more and more sure about the fact that this was it, something worth building on, something worth exploring - and the thought of getting to know each other's bodies from all angles, good as bad, was as exciting every single time. It wasn't like he hadn't had good sexual experiences before - he had indeed came close to a similar level of satisfaction with a few daring one night stands (one particularly bulky man had been filming him while he fucked himself mad with a pvc cock - Taeyong was drunk that night as usual but he remembers being awfully turned on by this man behind his camera. He never saw him again and he still haven't found the video online either, thank god for that). But generally speaking, most of the men he'd met were pretty much worthless compared to Jaehyun's hot touch and sultry gaze. There were still many things he urged for, things that he still hadn't had the guts to ask for, but he was sure Jaehyun could give him everything he wanted with time if he just managed to keep him by his side. 

He kind of zoned off in the shower, thinking about himself and Jaehyun and a possible life together. In contrast to their sexlife, which made him feel empowered and confident, his spirit dropped low when the subject switched to the couply things like... companionship and domestic life. He'd never been in a proper relationship so he wasn't sure how it even was supposed to feel, but somehow, he just knew inside that something was off - and he was dead afraid of making a wrong move that might tear the feeble house of cards down. And because of the fragility of their situation in addition to Taeyong's fear of being disregarded, he simply felt blocked from being himself.

It was just that... Jaehyun would probably leave him if he told him the truth about his still pathological state of mind. Or, well, he might not literally leave him at once unless he's a complete douchebag, but instead force him to go to some psychiatric ward for treatment and therapy, and THEN leave him when Taeyong was well enough to withstand the separation.

_Stop worrying you idiot, you're lucky you get to spend the rest of your life with me_

"Please..."

_As long as you live you are mine. Mine, mine, mine, and I won't let anyone else like you enough to make you forget about me, your real companion through thick and thin._

"You're not real, you're not real, he's not real, he can't hurt you since he ain't real..."

Taeyong turned the water temperature up until it burned his skin.

_Let it burn. That's all you are, fuming skin on a plastic doll, pretty to look at, nice to touch, as dead as a rock and scaring children._

"I am not worthy..."

Taeyong sat down in the shower and buried his head between his knees. It _'ll pass, it'll go away. Jaehyun will catch me if I'm to weak to withstand the storm myself. The slightest I can do is trust him._

Jaehyun's vicinity was calming and safe, just like his sister's presence and his therapist's support. When he was with company, the voice in the back of his head got weaker and weaker until it drowned completely in sweet words made by their honeydew voices. Like a velvety blanket they wrapped around him, making even the bumpiest ride in the carnival of his mind a pleasure. That's why he agreed to come live with Jaehyun for a while - he knew he would feel okay as long as he never let Jaehyun too far out of reach. A few encouraging words, a gentle smile - all enough to keep the devil at bay. And when he was physically touched by him, he felt truly invincible. During the stay at the hospital he made the irrational assumption that he wouldn't have gotten sick if just Jaehyun had been there next to him that Saturday night. It was an illogical and highly childish thought, but somehow he still believed it to be true.

 

It took him 45 minutes to eventually leave the shower, and by then Jaehyun was already sleeping.

Taeyong had to swallow his disappointment. He wasn't tired at all, and he had actually deliberately scrubbed himself squeaky clean and trimmed the little hair he had on his body just to appear fresh and appealing. So while Jaehyun snored the older stood awkwardly by the bed with his borrowed bathrobe on in an effort to look nice for the dongsaeng he liked the most.

  
Sigh.

He had forgot to take into consideration the fact that Jaehyun had to get up early every morning, and furthermore, their late night dinner yesterday had probably completely ruined his normal routine of going to bed in time.

Taeyong tiptoed back to the living room and turned the playstation on, muting the sounds before they would wake his sleeping boyfriend up. No way he could fall asleep this early himself, especially not when he was this worked up by the tumult in his mind.

 

 

 

"Yongie"

"Yong, wake up" Jaehyun whispered and shook his shoulder.

Before even opening his eyes he felt a sharp pain in his right shoulder blade. The tv was still turned on with the digital spiderman waiting for the player's next move.

"Hhuh?" He got startled as he opened his eyes and realized he was still lying on the sofa.

"You okay?" Jaehyun asked,  hand still resting on Taeyong's shoulder.

"Yeah yeah I just fell asleep. Do you have to go to work?" Taeyong replied groggily.

"No, it's still 2 am. I just went to the bathroom. Come to bed, baby", he murmured with a voice equally thick of sleep, hand lingering on the nape of the older's neck.

Taeyong got up with a groan - his shoulder was aching annoyingly.  He reached for Jaehyun's hand and followed him back to the bedroom . Wordlessly thet crawled up into Jaehyun's luxurious bed under the single, largesized duvet.

"There we go" Jaehyun mumbled and wrapped his arms around Taeyong, pulling his back tight against his own chest. The younger's warmth was soothing, and he felt his cool breath tickle the back of his neck. Taeyong intertwined their legs together and curled up into the other's hold. The closer to Jaehyun the better, and for once he appreciated his size since it seemed to fit perfectly against Jaehyun's taller body. _He is not welcomed here. This is my safe place, this is where I belong,_ he thought, and indeed - his mind was quiet and calm like a lake at night. With Jaehyun's finger drawing circles against his upperarm he fell asleep, feeling much more ready to face another day.

 

 

Indeed, Taeyong felt a lot better the next day. While Jaehyun was at work, Taeyong played spider man, chatted with Jina (who complained about the lack of ambition and leadership in their dance group now when Taeyong was away. He promised to join the next practise on Sunday), plucked his eyebrows, made some veggie juice, organized Jaehyun's kitchen cupboards and decided to bake bread after that. He put a picture of the perfectly round dough on instagram and was pretty pleased by the softness of it. When Jaehyun came home the apartment was filled by the wonderful aroma of newly baked bread.

"Ain't you a keeper" Jaehyun said and hugged the older tightly, kissing the top of his head. A warm and fuzzy feeling filled Taeyong's heart and he promised himself to make Jaehyun lots of tasty foods later on too.

Around 8 p.m. the doorbell rang. Jaehyun was in the bathroom hanging up the wash so Taeyong took the liberty to open the door. They were waiting for the Chinese food they'd ordered anyway.

Wearing his grey sweatpants and a comfy t-shirt with bunnies on (like, why not? Bunnies are amazing) Taeyong went to open the door. It wasn't the delivery guy in red clothing they were expecting, but a tall, dark handsome man wearing a suit. Piercing, grey eyes met his, and Taeyong was sure the stranger could strip him to the bone with the power of that gaze. Taeyong recognized him from somewhere, but it wasn't before the man spoke that he realized that it was Jaehyun's intimidating ex.

The taller man pressed his lips together to form a tight line, visibly equally surprised to see Taeyong by the door.

Taeyong hadn't been able to take a proper look at him before. High cheekbones and thin lips accentuated his undeniably very attractive appearance. The suit he wore was surely tailored as it fitted perfectly his shapely shoulders. Together with Jaehyun they had surely been a striking powercouple to watch.

"Oh. Apparently Jaehyun-ah managed to change his locks but failed to teach his kitty not to open the door to strangers". He broke the eye contact nonchalantly and crossed his arms. "I want to talk with him, could you be a good boy and go get him?"

Taeyong was dumbfounded by how disrespectfully Ho-Sub spoke to him. This man didn’t know anything about him and still assumed he wasn’t even worthy to be addressed properly? Didn't he have any manners at all?

" Uhm..." He stuttered, shocked by his treatment and unsure if he really wanted to tell Jaehyun about his visitor at all.

Unfortunately, Taeyong could hear hurried steps echoing through the apartment. Apparently Jaehyun had heard and recognized his voice from the bathroom.

"Taeyong, get away from there and close the door behind you" he commanded strictly when entering the hall. Taeyong winced but walked quickly away from the door, passing a fuming Jaehyun standing with arms crossed over his chest. Taeyong prayed he could keep his nerves intact since he looked like he could beat the living shit out of the other man any second. Ho-Sub was at least 10 cm taller than Jaehyun and would surely beat his ex to pulp if he got provoked enough.

Taeyong closed the door and was about to walk to the living room, but his curiosity did him dirty as he realized he could listen to the discussion through the door. This bossier side of Jaehyun also thrilled him to such extent that he just simply could not resist the temptation to shamelessly eavesdrop. As carefully as he could, he pressed his ear close to the door.

"... The same pink haired princess from before? I’m surprised, Jae, you must be desperate to have him move in this soon when you didn't even let me be here for longer than just a few days at a time”

"Cut the crap Ho-Sub, why the fuck are you here?"

"Hey, easy, we have to get along since I'm taking over your gracious parents company. I just came to talk"

"What do you need to hear? Have you run out of my money?

Jaehyun seemed seriously upset. Naïve as he was he probably thought that money was enough to shut the other up for good. Money can’t fix hurt feelings. It gotta be quite tormenting for Ho-Sub to have to spend so much time with Jaehyun’s parents too, Taeyong assumed. Somehow, he felt kind of bad for the other man, despite his rudeness. 

"Actually, I'm here to apologize"

What? He could hear Jaehyun faltering too.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah"

"Why?"

"I didn't overreact when you broke up with me, but I wish I could have expressed my heartbreak in a different way. I regret a lot of things actually". Considering the meaning of his words his voice seemed emotionless, but Taeyong obviously didn’t know what his face expressed. It could be an act, though.

When Jaehyun didn't answer, the other took it as a cue to continue.

"I understand now that I treated you badly. I'm... I'm really sorry for that" His voice softened up a little.

Jaehyun stayed quiet. _He's probably boiling from anger_. Taeyong bit his fingernails nervously and hoped that neither would push each other over the edge.

"I'm not here to beg for you to come back to me, I'm not that dumb nor delusional. But I want to be honest with you. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and… And I think we could really have become something great if I would have just understood to treat you like the remarkable man you are"

"... Are you serious?" To Taeyong's surprise Jaehyun's voice was thin and feeble, lacking all the pondus and attitude from before. Jealously twisted Taeyong’s gut like a sickness – he must really want Jaehyun back.

"I swear! Your parents treat me like their own son, my family's successful too and looks up to the Jungs, I mean, we're a great match. We could make the Jung company a real family business, something that further generations could be proud of. I'm pissed at myself for fucking this up" Ho-Sub continued, desperation dripping from his words. _God, why don't you just marry Jaehyun's parents instead_ , Taeyong thought.

"I... I don't know what to say"

"But I'm not here to try to convince you-..."

"Don't touch me" Jaehyun snapped.   
Taeyong could hear some steps being taken. 

"Sorry. Anyways, I came here to give you your stupid money back. I haven't used any of it. I'm ashamed that I was greedy and angry enough to accept it. It was really low of you to even offer, but I guess that makes two of us. "

Taeyong hears some paper rustling.

"I don't want it Hyung"

Ho-Sub sighs. "Oh come on, don't be childish now"

"No"

"For God's sake Jae, just take it!"

There's some silence before Jaehyun's voice is heard again, grislier than what Taeyong has ever heard it before.

"Fucking hell..."

Apparently Jaehyun took the money? Taeyong sure hoped so - it was still a substantial sum of money and the deal had been an incredibly stupid one in the first place. His pride would surely be hurt but he's a grown man, he should be able to take some setback, after all. With that money... Dude, he could put any kid into a nice boarding school or buy a pretty house outside the capital - maybe even some farmland on the countryside?  Taeyong wasn't sure what assets Jaehyun possessed, but that got to be a considerable amount of money for anyone, right? Ho-Sub surprised him, though. He sounded smarter than what Jaehyun had portrayed him as.

"I don't know what to say." Jaehyun said ambivalently.

"I know, this was a little uncalled for. But since you've blocked my number I haven't been able to reach you"

"I'm not sure if I can accept your apologize yet, though. I felt like I was dating a narcissist, and our relationship made me feel worthless at the end. Everything we did was based on what you wanted to do.

"I know. I'm sorry"

There was silence again. Taeyong could hear his own heart beat in his ears. _Don't accept his apology, please... Can't this man just leave, already?_

"Well... Damn Hyung. How are you doing then?" Jaehyun asked somberly to change the subject.

"I'm okay, I guess. Work's intense. You?"

"Same"

Just okay? What did he mean with that? Or was he just referring to his work?

"This boy. It's a serious thing? He seems to be staying here, after all" 

A haunting silence was evident before Jaehyun spoke up.

"He's living here just momentarily since he just got discharged from the hospital"

Taeyong's heart stopped. He evaded the question. Why did he evade the question?

_You know why. He's ashamed of you in front of his  fancy jet-set ex-boyfriend._

"Wasn't he your patient? Aren't you supposed to keep him out of hospitals?" Ho-Sub laughed.

Jaehyun chuckled too. "It wasn't deliberate, you know. My X-ray vision ain't working that well yet"

Taeyong suddenly felt the urge to storm in and grab Jaehyun back inside, locking that evil man out the way it was originally supposed to be.  For some reason he found their discussion quite unsettling to listen to. The tone of their conversation had mellowed down and for once Taeyong wished Jaehyun to show his childish, whiny side instead, accusing his ex for everything and pushing him out the door.

"You didn't answer the question about you two being serious, though" Ho-Sub said sarcastically.

"Well, it's... it's still very new. Maybe. I like him. It has potential to be a lot better than you and me, which isn't too hard, by the way. "

"You're mean, Jaehyun. But fair enough. He doesn't suit you, though. Totally not your type. You've told me multiple times that you prefer taller guys.  Does he have a profession besides dancing in tight clothing on a subpar theatre?"

Ouch. _Yeah he works in a shitty bar, way to go, career goals fulfilled. Fuck._

"Fuck off, Ho-Sub. He's none of your business. And I'm not interested in taking you back if that's what you're trying to do here-"

"No, I already said so. I just came to say I'm sorry"

"Yes and now you have, besides being a pain in the ass" His voice cracked the slightest, revealing the hurt he probably tried to hide from the other man. Taeyong was afraid he recognized some sentiment too.

The way Jaehyun's  confidence crumbled in front of his ex worried him for some reason. All he could do was hope that he was more than just a band-aid for the cuts Ho-Sub had made in Jaehyun's heart. The stranger might just as well be pulling the adhesive from his band-aid off.

"Fair enough. I'll leave you to it. Nice seeing you though. I'll send your parents your regards"

"Next time you decide to pop in, please notify me first"

"So there will be a next time?" Taeyong could hear the smile on the other man's face.

"Whatever"

"I guess I'm keeping the car"

There was a moment of silence again before Taeyong could hear the door closing, at which he reacted instantly. Quick, light feet took him back to the living room. He picked up the remote control and blasted the tv on to create a natural setting, before throwing himself onto the sofa. How do casual people usually watch tv? He relaxed against the pillows as he heard the halldoor open.

Jaehyun came in with a grim look. Actually, he looked kind of ruined.

"Was that your ex?"

Jaehyun hummed as he walked towards into the kitchen to grab a glass.

"What did he have to say?"

"He wanted to give my money back"

Taeyong feigned some surprise. "Really? The money you bribed him with to leave us alone?"

Jaehyun nodded and filled the glass with tap water.

"Wow, that was unexpected"

"Tell me about it" Jaehyun muttered.

Taeyong watched the program mindlessly, totally unaware of anything that happened on the screen. The silence between them was uncomfortable considering the things Taeyong had heard, but he didn't know how to act normal either since Jaehyun was visibly heavily affected by Ho-Sub's sudden visit.

"Uhm, what did he say?"

"Nothing worth reciting"

The voice of the old american lady on the tv-show filled the silence of the living room. It was suffocating.

 "Uhm, do you wanna talk about it?" Taeyong failed with making eyecontact, since the younger was gazing emptily in the direction of the tv screen instead of his blackhaired boyfriend.

"No"

Taeyong shivered. The way he said it sounded too cold to fit his gentle features. Jaehyun picked up a bag of sweet potato chips and walked towards his study. "And since when did you watch Antique shows?" He said bitterly over his shoulder.

_What the fuck, man?_

 

 

Taeyong contemplated tolerating his boyfriend's silent treatment, but after 10 minutes of hearing angry munching from the other room he was forced to go check on him.

Jaehyun was texting someone (probably Johnny) as he ate potato chips like a heartbroken teenager, which in fact was kind of amusing.

"Hey. Did I do something wrong?" Taeyong said from the door.

Jaehyun turned aggressively around and looked like he was about to snap at him, but seeing Taeyong's big, innocent eyes staring back at him made him swallow his words. He looked down at the bag of chips for a while before letting out a long sigh.

"No. I'm just being a twat. That guy... He pisses me off. A lot"

Taeyong shrugged.

"You got your money back. Forget about him"

Jaehyun bit his lip and tapped the floor restlessly with one leg.

"He wants me back" he finally said a little embarrassed.

"Of course he does. You were the one to break up with him, right?"

"Well, yeah"

"He'll want you back in one way or another since you were the one to hurt his pride and break his heart in front of his bosses, also known as your parents. Just forget about him"

Jaehyun sighed and pulled his fingers through his thick, brown curls.

"God, I should just have asked my parents not to hire him... This way I'll never get rid off him"

Taeyong walked up to his boyfriend and pulled his hands down from where they were grabbing at his own neck. He took his hands into his own and pulled him up from the chair. Pressing himself closer to Jaehyun he felt the other relax one muscle at a time. Jaehyun stilled as his eyes went down to look at Taeyong's plush lips, letting the older place a gentle kiss on the side of his mouth.

"Forget about him. You have me now, alright? Am I not worth your absolute, undivided attention?"

He pulled him even closer to him until their thighs touched. With a sultry look and a red mouth he lured the younger in, and they shared a long and slow open mouthed kiss. Jaehyun gave instantly in as he let himself go under his boyfriend's magic spell. Taeyong's tongue danced across his teeth, tasting a bit of salt left from the potato chips. _Kinda funny_. Jaehyun released on of his hands and grabbed Taeyong behind his neck to deepen the kiss. The older couldn't help but whimper as he grabbed at Jaehyun's toned butt.

Taeyong noticed the younger's breathing getting shallower, and eventually he let him break the kiss with a wet sound. He rested his forehead against Jaehyun's as the other exhaled slowly. 

"Oh Yongie... You are so worth it"

 

 

They didn't have sex that night either. Jaehyun was still feeling on edge and told him that he didn't want to think about sex (Yes, he tried) while Ho-Sub's stupid face was still stuck on his retina. So he fell asleep next to a frustrated and visibly uncomfortable Taeyong. Obviously it wasn't just about Taeyong being horny all the time, which as a matter of fact certainly wasn't true. But his strained nerves and feeble confidence needed that sweet release and immidiate, positive feedback that only Jaehyun could give him right now. Heck, Jaehyun's presence was like chasing a high. When he couldn't fall asleep he got up and took some sleeping pills he kept in his backpack for emergencies. He got so drowsy that he slept through his alarmclock and missed the lecture he had planned to attend.

Like it would have mattered. This particular Friday was a mess to begin with. He got up from bed only to be struck by an immense anxiety attack when he realized how swollen his face had got after yesterday's salt overload sharing Jaehyun's bag of chips. Not being allowed to exercise, which meant dancing in his case, was incredibly frustrating. At first he tried to drink liters of lemon water to flush his body clean, and when it made him feel even more bloated, he took Jaehyun's spare key and went out for a 2 hour long walk. He had been in such a hurry to get out from the apartment that he had forgotten to take with him his headphones, which unfortunately meant that he couldn't drown the nasty scolding in the back of his head with industrial music. Today, the voice, some might say Taeyong's alter ego (no, he refused to believe this demon was any part reminiscent of himself) was particularly focused on the conversation between Jaehyun and Ho-Sub - telling him how he's just a nobody compared to Jaehyun's sly ex.

The problem was that Taeyong indeed recognized the possibility of Jaehyun eventually leaving him for his ex, or, well, any other better man, really. Like, he knew Jaehyun was in love with him. He just knew. But he also knew that love can be such a temporary feeling. It can last for fifty years or a fleeting moment, but the younger it is, the more brittle it is - like a child still learning to stand on its own legs, prone to fall if it loses its balance for just the split of a second. It's a poor metaphor, considering people age and weaken, but so does love, it ages, loses its fire and passion until it dies with the bodies it connected. And Jaehyun's love for Taeyong was still fiery and passionate, but as they both knew - still fragile. Jaehyun even said it himself yesterday. Maybe. It could be something. It could. If Jaehyun doesn't grow tired of Taeyong's shit. If Taeyong doesn't lose hope on Jaehyun being understanding. If Taeyong doesn't fuck his life up and end up killing himself. If that douche Ho-Sub doesn't come between them again. And then there's Jaehyun's work and Taeyong's future work and... What if... What if Jaehyun's parents won't accept him since he doesn't come from a wealthy family? What if his dance team suddenly succeeds and he has to move abroad? What if it comes out to the public that they started dating while still being in a professional doctor-patient relationship and... and then... 

_Fuck, just, stop. Why can't humans just turn of thinking? We wouldn't need fucking psychiatrists if we could turn off this fucking dim jello inside our skulls..._

_Turn me off and you die_

"Oh, go away. Please"

_Never, you pathetic nobody. You would be even less without me, whore._

Taeyong walked back to the apartment as fast as he could.

 

Jaehyun came home to a seemingly quiet apartment. Taeyong was home, since the spare key was lying carelessly on the floor next to his sneakers. As he suspected based on the silence, he found Taeyong in his bedroom, lying fully clothed on his stomach on Jaehyun's bed. Jaehyun flinched at how loudly the music was blasting through his headphones, and in addition to that, how the boy was clutching at the soft earpieces, seemingly pushing them even tighter against his skull. The tense muscles on his forearms were playing like a set of strings under his skin. Little did he know that Taeyong was in fact struggling to mask the noise in his head with louder and louder music, but the volume bar didn't go high enough, god bless his innocent eardrums.

Jaehyun, slightly afraid that something was off, walked up to the bed in an attempt to get the other one's attention. But the moment he grabbed the man's shoulders Taeyong recoiled, shrieked and panicked, turning around as he ripped the headphones of his head. Without really thinking about it, he almost hit Jaehyun in the face with his fist. Jaehyun dodged the flow that landed on his clavicle instead.

"What the...." Jaehyun burst out and threw his hands in the air, looking at the confused boy with his restless, saucer-sized eyes.

"Jesus you scared me" Taeyong said in a tiny voice, chest heaving up and down. The music was still blasting distantly from the headphones on the bed.  
  
"Are you okay? You were clutching your headset like you wanted to crush your own head!" Jaehyun spitted out. "And turn that goddamned music off!"

Small pearls of sweat were forming on his forehead as a result of the adrenaline burst, glistening uneasily on pale skin drained of color. His fingers were trembling so bad that he was unable to lock his phone up to pause Spotify, resulting in Jaehyun picking the headphones up to turn them off manually. But as soon as the bluetooth connection ended, Taeyong's phone continued to play the heavy beat on max volume.

"SHIT" the older winced, stressing to lock up his phone.

Jaehyun sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, ignoring the screaming music.

"What's wrong with you baby?"

"I... I just got scared when I felt someone touching me" The music finally stopped, giving the older a chance to exhale.

"But it's me? It's my home, who else could it be?"

"HIM!" Taeyong spitted.

Jaehyun's face blanked, as he took a step backwards, leaving the still trembling Taeyong sitting alone on the bed. Clutching his phone so hard his knuckles whitened, he tried to make sense of reality and nightmare.

"W-which 'him'?" Jaehyun asked weakly. "Who are you talking about?"

Taeyong shook his head before meeting Jaehyun's scared, brown eyes.

"Has someone hurt you?"

The realization of what he just had said made his heart skip a beat. He jumped up from the bed and slapped himself mentally back into the present situation. "No... No it's nothing..."

Jaehyun grabbed his arms hard enough to make the older wail.

"Hyung?"

He shook his head quite unconvincingly for a second time. "No, I was having a bad dream, I don't know what I even meant"

Doubt was making creases in Jaehyun's otherwise perfectly smooth forehead. His eyes scanned every inch of Taeyong's face, seeing his mouth twitch and his eyelids shuttering far too restlessly for it to be normal. The older struggled to meet his eyes as he tried to come up with something to say.  
"You're lying, Taeyong" Jaehyun said apprehensively.

"And you're hurting me" The older winced, resulting in immediately being released by the taller man's hold.

Jaehyun inhaled sharply. "Sorry" and stepped back from Taeyong.

The older massaged the part of his arm that Jaehyun had squeezed the most while looking down at his own socks. Usually he didn't even like to wear socks at home. He had just been too distressed when returning from his walk to take anything off besides his shoes.

"You're being superweird. Are you sure you are alright?" Jaehyun asked again, this time a little softer.

Taeyong nodded a few times, ashamed of himself for having to continue lying to his sweet boyfriend. But he couldn't tell him the truth _. If he knew, he'd leave me for sure. Like my parents did._

"It was just a dream. I think I've told you that I suffer from nightmares at times"

"Yes. I just don't see how you could have been sleeping with the music ripping your eardrums apart" Jaehyun said sadly. "And... It's just not that...I heard you talking to yourself in the shower the other day... I don't know if that's just one of your quirks but"

_He knows._ Taeyong rubbed his forehead. "Don't question me. Just... Leave me alone... Regarding this". He tried to make it sound as kind as he could but such a request could never be anything but provoking.

Jaehyun seemed puzzled.  "You're in my home, how am I able to leave you alone?"

"I can just walk home anytime, do you really want me to?" Taeyong's voice cracked, and the childish, desperate tone that leaked out from his mouth surprised even himself. Of course he didn't want to go home. Quite the opposite, in fact. He _needed_ Jaehyun so bad he wished he wouldn't even need to leave him for work - the safety and care he provided was more than he could ever account for.

Jaehyun too got surprised by his emotional response. He opened his arms as if asking for an explanation.

"No, but do YOU want to?"

They both stared at each other, one still trembling, the other scowling in doubt.

"No" Taeyong whimpered after a while. "I don't wanna go home"

Jaehyun sighed and crossed his arms again.

"Well in that case we need to talk"

When Taeyong didn't respond Jaehyun continued on, now a little more determined. Jaehyun seldom used an accusing tone in a conversation between them, not to mention condemning the other.

"You have to learn to talk with me if we're to make this work"

_I know._

"I know"

Jaehyun's mouth relaxed a little when he saw that Taeyong wouldn't put up against him. He looked at Taeyong for a while with his arms still crossed over his chest before turning around to walk away from the bedroom, leaving the older feeling lousy about himself which unfortunately was something he was very much accustomed to. This was something different though, since the dispraisal didn't come from himself, but from his lover; his rock, his inspiration and source of strength now when he wasn't able to dance his heart out. Obviously it didn't feel good, but it didn't feel necessarily horrible either. It felt real. Like he actually deserved it. It also meant that there was room for improvement so that he eventually could present Jaehyun a better, more commendable version of himself. 

Feeling oddly relieved about the fact that he actually _could talk_ with Jaehyun unlike the voice in the back of his head, he followed his boyfriend to the living room. Jaehyun was reaching for some wine glasses he had stored in the upper cabinets of his kitchen (which was an open kitchen by the way, therefore fully visible from the living room. Light and airy, right?), making his otherwise tucked in lightblue shirt lift up to reveal a slip of skin on his lower back.

Taeyong found himself staring at that small peek of skin, wishing he could have ended up caressing it on the bed instead of accidentally hitting him with a fist.

"We're gonna drink some wine and..." Jaehyun read the label on one of the bottles of red wine he kept in a small wine rack. "...and talk"

Taeyong was aware of the fact that he needed to at least try to open up, but he also knew that it would be a struggle, and that he might need a day or two to prepare himself to actually speak honestly about this thing only his therapist and former psychiatrist knew about. But he couldn't just say no to the handsome, genuinely good man walking up to him with two large glasses of wine in his hands.

"It's ok for you to drink...?" Taeyong asked quietly as he accepted the glass. Maybe one glass wouldn't affect his driving tomorrow morning...

"It's friday, silly. Of course" Jaehyun replied, finally showcasing the smile Taeyong couldn't get enough of. The older blushed and took a sip of the dark, rich drink. It almost tasted like some kind of smoked tree, to be fair.

"Let it take some air" Jaehyun said and made the wine swirl with his wrist.

"Don't assume I don't know how to drink wine" Taeyong whined as he smelled the wine.

Jaehyun sighed heavily. "I guess this is gonna be a long night..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be writing another fic for a Jaeyong ficfest on twitter this month so the next update will probably be in october :((((.. I'm working long days so I don't have too much spare time. Thank you all for reading<3
> 
> Sorry for the wait!!!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!!!! Sorry for the wait, I've worked on another fic. I promise I'll keep updating this one regularly til it finishes.  
> So. Here's a lil smut to start it off with before drama kicks in :3
> 
> Recap: Taeyong's back from the hospital after suffering from an pulmonary embolism. Now he's struggling to find anything to do at Jaehyun's place since he ain't allowed to dance. His mental issues have gotten worse as well. Jaehyun knows something's off with their still very fresh relationship and confronts Taeyong, who kind of still believes he can replace communication with sex.

“You know you can trust me, right" Jaehyun said, looking down at the glass in his hands. Taeyong was sitting next to him in the sofa, leaning his head against Jaehyun's shoulder.  
  
The wine, or maybe it was the company, had calmed him down effectively and made his mind a little less stormy and volatile. They had been sitting like that for a while, both trying to figure out how to approach the matter of unspoken tension between them. Taeyong wasn't ready to talk just yet. He still hoped that the worsening of his condition was just temporary, and if lucky, he might be able to just get over it on his own without needing to spill the tea to poor doctor Jaehyun. But then again, Jaehyun was a good man. Maybe he'd give him a chance to improve. It wasn't like he didn't know he had mental problems in his past; and quite obviously, it bothered him to know that Taeyong wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him everything.  
  
"Yes" he answered, "I trusted you the first time I met you at that appointment in the Health care center. You looked kind, and still do.  
  
The younger chuckled and took a sip of his wine.  
  
"Tell me, what did you think of me that time?"  
  
Taeyong straightened his back so he could look at his boyfriend properly. He was handsome, right. His hair had grown out a bit since the time they first met, and it made him look softer, especially when he finger combed his thick fringe back before letting it fall down over his caramel coloured eyes again.  He noticed that he hadn't shaved properly since a few dark hairs grew scarcely on his cheeks and under his chin. Luckily the strip of skin between his nose and his lips were still soft like a baby’s.  
  
And talking about his lips, _God_ , Taeyong had never seen anything as sensual as them. The way he smiled, the way he took a sip of his drink through a straw, the way those lips wrapped around his fingers if he just reached out to give him a taste…  
  
"First I thought you were a student based on how babyfaced you are..."  
  
"I'm babyfaced?" to Taeyong's amusement, Jaehyun’s dimples popped out when he smiled.  
  
Taeyong poked his dimpled cheek and pouted. "Well, yes, you've all squishy and mushy and so vevy smoochable" he babied. "But then when you started talking, I realized you were the real deal. Yes, I also noticed how terrifyingly good looking you are, but I didn’t let it trick me since I knew I was light years away from the league of your kind"  
  
"But you flirted, didn't you?"  
  
Taeyong finished his glass of wine and put it down onto the table before continuing. The glass made a nice clicking sound against the heavy table of the same material.  
  
"You're super transparent. When I took off my shirt I noticed you getting all flustered, and then you looked at me…. Like, you really look-looked at me… Looked all over me, through me, stripped my already naked flesh bare with your eyes"... He leaned forward and put his arm across Jaehyun's shoulder. The distance between them was so small Taeyong could smell the alcohol in Jaehyun's breath. "And then I knew that you're actually a really bad doctor"  
  
Jaehyun exhaled loudly before meeting Taeyong's lips in a slow kiss. The older didn't grant him the pleasure for too long, and broke the kiss to lace his fingers into Jaehyun's hair. It felt cool and slick to the touch.  
  
"How about you then?" he asked, whispering.  
  
"Oh you know already. I fell for your beauty the moment I called your name. How can you not" Jaehyun reached out in an attempt to continue kissing his pretty prince, but Taeyong pulled away and pressed a finger against the younger's lips. He didn’t like when Jaehyun diminished his persona to just his looks, but, oh well – he was just being honest about his first impression, so.   
  
"Tss. But would you have asked me out if I hadn't kissed you that one time in your room?" He shivered by the memory, the thrill of letting go and seducing his doctor in his room, in his workplace, on his actual scheduled appointment. It was one of the better decisions his labile mind had ever made. He hadn't even considered the possibility of rejection that day – hadn’t he been shopping the day before, or…?  
  
Jaehyun grimaced and rolled his eyes.  
  
"No I would not. I believed that it wasn’t worth to risk my career for some boy I hardly knew. And I would probably have regretted that decision for the rest of my life"  
  
Taeyong chuckled.  
  
"Good thing I took matters into my own hands. And see, you didn't get into trouble right?"  
  
"Not yet..." the younger put his wine glass down and grabbed Taeyong's chin to lift it up. He kissed him softly once, then twice.  
  
"Unless you're gonna be troublesome" Jaehyun breathed against his lips.  
  
Taeyong tensed up slightly. He knew that Jaehyn meant it in a seductive way, but in all honesty he was fiercely afraid of ending up being a troublesome burden to his boyfriend in the long term.  
  
"But I am troublesome" he said seriously.  
  
Jaehyun pulled back and looked him in the eyes, scanning his intentions. Apparently he picked up the sudden change of mood in his troubled partner.  
  
"No, you're not... You're just... That's why we need to talk" He replied softly, stroking Taeyong's hair comfortingly. Jaehyun's kind eyes spoke of understanding and forgiveness for something Taeyong could just imagine himself having done. Of course he wanted to talk with Jaehyun; he aimed to open up to Jaehyun soon, when the time was right. He wanted to tell him he loved him, that he was sorry for being difficult, and that he hoped they could create something meaningful together in the times to come. He wished that it was something that Jaehyun also wanted – a future, some stability – a home to return for the years to come. Taeyong could never have expected himself to be this hopeless romantic after such a short time of dating, but he couldn’t just simply deny his longing for safety and protection – something that Jaehyun might be able to provide him forever. But only if Jaehyun wanted it too – Only if.  
  
"Are you serious about me?" Taeyong asked instead.  
  
The younger's nose made a wheezing sound as he chuckled nervously.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I asked... Are you serious about me? Or I mean, about you and me. Together."  
  
Jaehyun cupped the older’s face and smiled.  
  
"Yes, of course, of course I am, baby"  
  
Taeyong grabbed his wrist gently and scanned his face, searching for any sign of dishonesty. He couldn't find any, and he felt a sting of guilt in his heart for doubting the younger man. Jaehyun was an open book, after all.  
  
He could feel his own lip starting to tremble, so he bit down on it sharp enough to feel the metallic taste of blood on his tongue.  
  
"Come what may?" he spoke, almost whispered, cringing internally at his own desperation.  
  
Jaehyun leaned forward to kiss his lips again so lightly it almost felt like a tickle. Taeyong hoped he didn't taste the blood.  
  
Lips still hovering over Taeyong's, Jaehyun whispered back in his husky voice. "Come what may, you are my boyfriend, and I am yours" He kissed him once again, before pulling back to look Taeyong in his black eyes. "And if everything works out well, I hope we might be even more than that"  
  
"What should work out well?" Taeyong asked timidly – in reality he wished to know what he meant with “…more than that” but that was a question going way past his comfort zone.  
  
"We. You and me, baby, just like you said" the younger laughed kindly, patting the older's leg.  
  
"Oh" The older lowered his eyes. "I'll do my best"  
  
"Just tell me when you're ready to talk about what's bothering you. It's clear to see that everything ain't right. Obviously I won’t pressure you but…" He kissed his cheek lightly as his hand travelled further up Taeyong's thigh. "I just hope you tell me as soon as possible if there's something wrong with me"  
  
Taeyong's eyes widened as he looked shockingly at his boyfriend. "No! No, no, no Jaehyunnie you're perfect".  
  
He felt Jaehyun's hand clutch tighter around his thigh.  
  
The younger chuckled and leaned forward again to place tickling kisses in front of his ear. "I am not perfect, you know" he whispered, before taking Taeyong's pierced earlobe between his teeth, pulling lightly. The hand he had on the older's leg started moving up and inwards, massaging his inner thigh, slowly going higher and higher …  
  
Taeyong gasped and pulled Jaehyun tighter. God, how he had waited for this for the last couple of days. He wasn't even ashamed when he felt himself harden in just a few seconds under Jaehyun's big palm.  
  
"But I can make you feel good, hmm?" Jaehyun murmured into his ear, obviously smirking by how responsive the older was.  
  
Grasping at his shirt, Taeyong let his head fall back, exposing his neck for Jaehyun to kiss. Indeed, hungry, pliant lips planted themselves onto soft, golden skin, front teeth lightly nipping. His hand kept massaging Taeyong's hard-on through his sweatpants, and it was so, so sweet, but right now he was just way too horny for teasing foreplay.  
  
"Awwww shit..." he moaned through gritted teeth, trying to keep himself together.  
  
"What do you want Yongie? What does my sweet little boy want" Jaehyun teased against his skin.  
  
"I'm.... Uh, I'm still older than you, you brat" Taeyong groaned, trying to keep himself together well enough to keep his sass. Jarhyun's suddenly lifted up his t-shirt and the older allowed him to remove it. The sudden coolness of the air helped stiffening his nipples and Jaehyun instantly bent down to enclose his lips around the unpierced one.  
  
Taeyong stroke his back and thought about the … things he wanted to do today. The more he thought about it, the more confident he got – and the image of Jaehyun bent over in front of him got more vivid every second.  
  
Jaehyun released his lips to blow cool air onto the swollen nipple. “Older or not, you’re still my little boy”  
  
Well, okay, that does it.  
  
Taeyong suddenly pushed Jaehyun away from his chest. Surprise was evident in the younger’s eyes as he released his hands off Taeyong, probably afraid that he went too far.  
  
“No, I am not your sweet little boy, I’m older than you so tonight it will be ‘hyung’ only, bad little brother” he hissed.  
  
Jaehyun was seemingly relieved when seeing that Taeyong still was interested in making out, however with changed dynamics.  
  
“O-okay, I’ll be real bad Hyung, I swear” He said slightly amused.  
  
Taeyong rolled his eyes and got up from the sofa, pulling Jaehyun with him by his shirt.  
  
“Good. First things first, take off your clothes because you have no idea how horny I’ve been for the past few days” The older said, fighting off a slight blush he preferred Jaehyun not to notice.  
  
Jaehyun crooked his eyebrow but obeyed, buttoning up his shirt and throwing it lazily on the backrest of the sofa.  
  
Taeyong gazed over Jaehyun’s washboard abs with flushed cheeks. He couldn’t wrap his head around why he was so easily affected by the younger’s physique – every single damn time _. A little oil and some nice lightning and he’d become insta-famous in a second,_ he thought amusedly.  Well, his vain ass was indeed lucky to have found such a handsome boyfriend.  
  
Jaehyun himself clapped his stomach kind of unsexily and complained about not having been able to work out lately due to the stress of Taeyong’s hospitalization. Considering Taeyong’s history of body dysmorphia it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say in such a setting, but Taeyong ignored the unnecessary comment for once since he simply couldn’t resist the urge to touch the younger.  
   
He walked up to Jaehyun and reached out to place his hands onto his pecs. They were round and firm, just the way Taeyong liked it, feeling nice beneath his hands.  
Despite his efforts to do something different today he simply couldn’t help it when his lips were drawn to his skin. He was simply too irresistible, and Taeyong too needy, too damn needy…  
  
“Ah, fuck it” he groaned and fell down to his knees, ripping up Jaehyun’s belt buckle and unzipping the zipper with trembling fingers. Jaehyun’s jeans fell down to the floor between Taeyong’s knees _. I need it, I fucking need it…_  
  
Jaehyun tried to crouch down to get hold of Taeyong’s shoulders. “Hey, let’s go to the bedroom-“  
He got interrupted by a hard slap against his thigh.  
  
“No, I want your dick in my mouth here and now so hurry the fuck up” Taeyong snapped back, feeling his own horniness feeding on his frustration – the day had been awful from the beginning, so he wasn’t in the mood for words or comfort. He wanted to come and break the other while doing so, he wanted Jaehyun to succumb to complete satisfaction until he was so addicted to Taeyong that he could never, ever leave him.  
  
Taeyong’s heart ached for confirmation, some sort of a proof of Jaehyun’s commitment so that he could breathe easier and dare to be himself more often. He knew sex wasn’t going to solve the problem, but it might make him confident enough to open up to Jaehyun and bare his heart.  
  
Jaehyun’s boxers were pulled down in a second and without further ado Taeyong took him hungrily in his mouth, lapping his hard-on with a wide tongue and sucking intensely, without the slightest attempt of teasing the other or building up the heat slowly. The younger gasped sharply but got into the mood immediately - he quickly grabbed hold of Taeyong’s hair and tugged at it slightly, making the older even more fervent.  
Jaehyun tasted deliciously musky and salty – pleasant enough to make Taeyong forget about the sting in the back of his throat, still a little sore after the intubation. _God, he is a man, he is a real man_ , he thought and moaned in the back of his mouth.  
  
“Damn you’re sexy on your knees Hyung… I wish you could see yourself!” Jaehyun groaned, pulling his hand roughly through Taeyong’s black hair. The older answered by changing the angle so that the tip hit his cheek again and again; the visual makings up for the loss of sensational stimuli. “Fuck I should have… ah shit… should have left my phone on the table” Jaehyun stammered breathily.  
  
Taeyong sucked him for a while, hands resting on his angular, muscular hips. He was salivating quite a lot which certainly bothered him, so he was forced to pull back a little to wipe his mouth. Jaehyun groaned when the wet hotness around him disappeared. His red erection sprang up, poking Taeyong in the face awkwardly.  
  
The older realized that he had once again submitted to Jaehyun, instead of the other way around like he had originally planned, but he couldn’t help it when he really enjoyed sucking Jaehyun’s dick and making him crumble in his hands. With some half-hearted determination he shut his mouth in an attempt to take control over the situation, but it backfired since he suddenly felt uncomfortable wanting to make the other beg for it.  
  
Taeyong’s hesitation made Jaehyun put his head to the side and glare desperately at the older.  
  
“Hyung?” He asked, tugging at his hair in an almost annoying way.  
  
“Oh I’m right here, please… please yourself” Taeyong replied, surprising himself as well.  
  
Jaehyun groaned and released one hand from Taeyong’s hair. His index traced the older’s lips and parted them open by the corner. _Thanks for making it easy,  honey,_ Taeyong thought with some relief. Taeyong sucked on his finger wetly while looking lewdly at Jaehyun under his severe eyebrows.  
  
“Hyung…please” The other whined.  
  
“Stop whining. Fuck my mouth then” Taeyong sneered, biting down on Jaehyun’s finger so that he was forced to pull it back. Jaehyun glanced at his finger before turning his eyes back to Taeyong, staring hungrily straight into the other’s eyes. They both knew they both wanted it, but something was different between them, and it made it all so much more thrilling.  
  
The younger hesitated and swallowed hard, but then eventually took a firmer hold on Taeyong’s head and aimed his dick towards his parted lips. Taeyong took him in nicely but immediately froze as his lips encircled the other’s shaft. He stared at Jaehyun with one crooked eyebrow, not moving an inch.  
  
Jaehyun breathed hard for a few seconds before starting to gently move his hips so that Taeyong’s lips could glide back and forth on his erection. A soft moan escaped Jaehyun’s lips. The older chuckled by the gentleness of Jaehyun’s moving – which obviously was a mistake, since it triggered the younger to up his game – real time.  
  
With a forceful tug of shiny, black hair Jaehyun pulled Taeyong deeper on him, before beginning to snap his hips vigorously against Taeyong’s face. It really came like lightning from a clear sky, almost to such an extent it shocked Taeyong for an instance. Taeyong’s eyes flew open as the cock hit the back of his throat, making him gargle since he wasn’t really that prepared for it. Tears filled his eyes as his tried his best to relax his throat so to adjust better for Jaehyun’s girth.  
  
It took a few thrust before he felt that he could control his breathing somewhat, and he looked in Jaehyun’s direction. Jaehyun took the que and lifted his chin up and stabilizing him in place before picking up the speed further.  
  
The wet, struggeling sounds Taeyong made seemed to egg Jaehyun on, since the younger was grunting and moaning while looking hungrily down at his drooling boyfriend.  
  
“You’re … fucking sick” He said. If Taeyong hadn’t been busy crying from nearly choking on his doctor-boyfriend’s dick he might have found the comment offensive.  
He didn’t lose control, however. He knew exactly what Jaehyun was going, and he could stop him any time he wanted with his teeth.  
And he best part of it all – he didn’t need to talk.  
  
He suddenly remembered Jaehyun’s words from some minutes ago. His hand went down to his sweatpants pockets to dig out his phone, quickly unlocking it and pushing it screen first against Jaehyun’s stomach. The older grabbed it, almost dropped it, and searched for the camera app with a grin on his face.  
  
“Oh fuck this will be so sweet” He murmured and aimed the camera towards the black haired boy with a thick dick in his mouth. Like a stereotypical man Jaehyun couldn’t focus on both thrusting and photographing at the same time, so Taeyong had to take over, making sure to suck as intensely as he could for the camera. Like a authentic insta-whore he wasn’t shy in front of the camera, and he had indeed took his own videos with his toys and such, obviously never showing them to anyone since he didn’t want to completely smudge his reputation - but this was certainly different, since the person behind the camera was someone he cared for, deeply even.  
  
“Oh god yes, Taeyongie-hyung, you like doing that? You like sucking my dick on camera like the needy boy you are? Oh fucking hell this is gold, this is gold, Hyung” Jaehyun stammered, sounding a little maniacal by the edges. “Oh Taeyongie… Gosh I’ll send it… oh-oh-ohhh, I’ll send it to myself, wait…”  
  
After some awkward fumbling with Taeyong’s phone, Jaehyun threw it kind of haphazardly onto the sofa and got back to business by getting a good grip of the older’s head.  
“Okay…” he whispered, before beginning to thrust hardly into Taeyong’s roughened throat again until the black haired man lost track of time and got numb in his knees.  
  
Taeyong hardly noticed when Jaehyun started shuddering, but his hands had found their way around the younger’s thighs, digging into the flesh for all he was worth.  
  
“Tae-“  
  
That was the only warning he got as Jaehyun came undone in the older’s mouth. For a moment Taeyong felt like drowning; not necessarily suffocating, more like being immersed in deep serene waters until there’s nothing between you and the sea. While the tears rolled down his cheeks it was sweet being filled up with something else than self-hatred and Ben&Jerry’s ice cream.  
  
Jaehyun was having his hands of Taeyong’s shoulders, doing his best to stay upright while sliding down his high. He pulled out of Taeyong’s mouth with a groan, probably fighting the inevitable feeling of overstimulation the older had caused him by swallowing his cum with his dick still deep down his throat.  
  
Taeyong clenched his tired jaws and dried his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he quickly jumped up to his knees, leaving Jaehyun leaning against the armrest of the sofa instead, trying to catch his breath. His knees hurt from being pushed against the hard floor for too long, so he definitely needed a small stretch before… before fucking Jaehyun.  
  
Yes, that’s what he was about to do. _I’ll show you what I can do. While I’m with Jaehyun you can never hurt me. I’ll show you that he belongs to me more than I belong to you, demon._  
  
The thought sent shivers down his back and his own forgotten member twitched in his sweatpants.  
  
  
  
  
He walked casually to the kitchen to drink a glass of water in an attempt to get rid of the burn in his throat. Jaehyun had sat himself down onto the sofa with his head resting against the backrest, breathing deeply. Taeyong downed his water quickly before fixing his eyes back of his handsome boyfriend.  
   
“Jae”  
  
The younger opened his eyes and wiped his sweaty hair away from his forehead.   
  
“Yeah? What… whatisit babe?” He said, sounding almost drunk despite only having downed one or two glasses of wine – or well, might as well have been a few, considering how the bottle was close to empty. Lightweight as he was Taeyong didn’t feel like getting drunk tonight so he hadn’t taken more than one glass himself.  
  
Taeyong walked up to the kitchen table and placed the glass there. _It’s a beautiful night_ , he concluded, watching out through the huge window in front of the table. _A beautiful night to spend indoors_ , though he couldn’t see much for the bright lights reflecting off the glass surface. It gave him an idea, though.  
  
“Come here” He simply said, looking at the reflection of himself – something that he both loved and hated with equal passion. His sweatpants were hanging low on his hips, otherwise he was naked – exposed, vulnerable – an angular body, though having too much curvature for his own liking. Without his broad shoulders he could easily go for a girl considering how narrow his waist was. Worst part of it was that he couldn’t even starve the curves off since the base and the top of the hourglass were made of solid bone.  
  
In the midst of scolding himself mentally, Jaehyun wrapped his strong arms around his waist and laid a wet kiss against the back of his neck.  
  
“You’re gorgeous, Hyung”  
  
Taeyong breathed out – _God, I really need him.  
  
_He let the younger leave his mark on his neck, hands caressing his sides and his stomach and eventually dipping a finger under his waistband. At the same time he kept a strong eye contact with the reflection of himself – and he wondered how on earth Jaehyun was unable to find his severe eyebrows and huge eyes intimidating and scary. Jaehyun’s hands on his body both felt and looked so soft, completely different from his own, veiny things. Soft were also those plump lips kissing his neck at the moment. His hair was soft, his face was soft, his manners were soft – everything about Jung Jaehyun was soft – everything, except for his muscles. Not forgetting about the dick that was poking Taeyong’s behind. Already?  
  
“Jae” He said breathlessly.  
  
“Yong” The younger mumbled against his skin.  
  
Taeyong suddenly turned around to grab Jaehyun’s shoulders, then rather forcefully pushing Jaehyun forward until he almost hit the dinner table. Taeyong took his spot behind him and grabbed the younger’s chest. He could feel Jaehyun gasping by the sudden change of dynamics – and for a moment they met each other’s eyes in the reflection of the window – One naked, good boy, one still partly clothed broken one. But the belonging was there, way stronger than their differences – And Taeyong wished he could love himself as much as Jaehyun did. Because yes, he knew Jaehyun loved him, he had to – and as much as he loved him back, they hadn’t still said those promised words to each other with sincerity. Taeyong swore to do anything just to hear those three small words being uttered by Jung Jaehyun’s kissable mouth while looking into his eyes, completely aware of the impact his words would have on the older boy. A post-coital slip simply didn’t count. Heck, for all he knew he might have uttered those words himself by accident just from pure ecstasy and alcohol and drugs like - actual - pure ecstasy - all while being sucked off by some random stranger. He regretted all those moments to the bone, because those strangers hadn’t been Jaehyun.

While placing small kisses on Jaehyun’s neck, Taeyong grabbed the lube he had picked up from Jaehyun’s toilet a moment ago. It didn’t take long before his hand had travelled down between Jaehyun’s firm glutes, pushing in a slick finger.  
  
“O-Oh, okay…. oh damn” Jaehyun moaned, not really knowing what to do with his hands.  
  
Taeyong thought he could help him with that. “Touch yourself” he murmured against his neck while moving his index inside him. Jaehyun nodded and grabbed his fresh erection with his right hand. He gasped by the mere contact which kind of made sense considering how he probably was still sensitive from orgasming. Taeyong pushed another finger in without much effort – it wasn’t Jaehyun’s first time after all. The picture of that handsome ex pounding Jaehyun against the bed flashed before his eyes, and in a moment of sudden, jealous rage he bit down hard on the younger’s shoulder while pushing his fingers deeper. _But Jaehyun hates Ho-Sub, he would never let him near his naked body again. Right?  
_  
In the process of scissoring his fingers to loosen the younger up he managed to get so ridiculously turned on that his cock hurt inside his pants. _Just a little more_ …  
  
“Jaehyunnie, do you like this?” He breathed against his ear.  
  
The younger was touching himself mindlessly with eyes rolled back in his head.  
“Mhm, yes, yes I do” He grunted.  
   
“Jaehyunnie, do you like me doing this?” He slipped in a third finger.

Jaehyun arched his back in response. “A-Ah, yeah, yeah ". He was jerking himself off sloppily, way too sloppily for Taeyong's liking.   
  
The older slapped his ass hard with an open palm, leaving a nice, red mark on white skin. The sound echoed against the window together with Jaehyun's wincing.  
  
"You like me?" Taeyong asked, knowing the nature of the question being flammable.   
  
Jaehyun bit his lip. "I like you so fucking much Hyung"   
  
Taeyong hit him again on the soft cheek, this time earning a grunt from his boyfriend.   
  
"I like you too. But please keep touching yourself, I wanna watch you" Taeyong said, looking at their reflection in the window.   
  
Jaehyun picked up his speed and shuddered when Taeyong pulled out his fingers.

"Keep going, I’ll be back" He said and walked up to the kitchen to clean himself, actually being a little bit nervous about the thing to come. What if it didn't feel as good for Jaehyun as it did for him? What if he couldn't please him like Ho-Sub? What if he got nervous and- ...   
  
_Okay, breathe._  

 _He's hot as fuck let's go let's go let’s go-  
_  
Taeyong walked back up to Jaehyun and grabbed his muscular side with one hand, the other pulling down his own pants and underwear. His dick finally sprang up against his stomach, being wet from pre-cum from long ago. He quickly coated it with lube and put a small click around Jaehyun's entrance as well with trembling fingers.   
  
"Bend over" He whispered, pushing Jaehyun's back forward so that he would go down to lean against the kitchen table onto his arms. It was probably one of the best views Taeyong had ever seen. Too bad his phone was still on the sofa.  
  
"Hyung" Jaehyun grunted, releasing his hold of himself.   
  
Slowly the older started pushing in his tip against the tight but slick entrance. It felt weird - a lot different from how his own fist felt. With a little bit more force he slipped in, and a crazy, weirdly satisfactory squeeze encircled him. _Oh god._ Suddenly his knees felt week and he had to hold on to Jaehyun to even be able to stand upright – what if he lacked stamina to do this properly? _Gosh…_  
  
Since Jaehyun seemed pretty relaxed about it Taeyong dared to push a little more until he felt himself being buried completely inside the sweet hotness of Jaehyun’s body. Said man groaned and locked his elbows, slightly changing his stance as well. _It wasn't painful, was it...?_  
  
"It's... is it okay?" Taeyong whimpered, somewhat embarrassed by how shaky his voice was.   
  
“Yeah…” Jaehyun breathed. “Fuck yes I’ve almost forgot how good this is “  
  
Taeyong breathed out and was about to say something when Jaehyun continued. “But … Taeyongie, baby, please,… hurry”  
The older gathered himself for a second before starting over, mentally slapping himself in the face.  
So he began to pull out, and the feel – _the fucking feeling_ of being enclosed by a strong, healthy body, strong enough to suck him in deeper – it was nothing less than mind blowing.  
   
“A-aaah…” he whimpered, slowly pulling out until only the tip was inside. _And now…. now …  
  
Go.  
_  
He pushed back in again, this time with more force than before, and Jaehyun responded so well by arching his back and making steamy, muffled sounds behind closed lips. And then back out again – love, fuck, scream, repeat – and soon they found their rhythm.  
  
Taeyong kept a steady pace, moaning hard with open mouth as he looked down onto the younger’s back. It felt ridiculously amazing, so much better than the best handjob ever – probably better than any blowjob as well. And the view was different as well – he hadn’t been able to watch Jaehyun from behind when fucking before. He noticed a faint tanline in his lower back, indicating that he probably had spent some time on the beach last summer. Taeyong imagined Jaehyun walking up from the water towards a hot beach made of white, soft sand somewhere on the shores of California. Jaehyun pulled his hands through his wet hair, letting glistening water run down his muscular torso, only to pool around his navel and in the grooves of his abdominal muscles. His swimming trunks were hanging low on his hip, revealing a single strand of hair connecting his navel to the source of his divinity, like an arrow to guide his lucky, lucky boyfriend to the right place. He would smile at him with white teeth and dimples showing, cheeks and nose a little red from the sun, maybe a few freckles having made their appearance…  


“Jae-… Jaehyun” He grunted, pounding in an out in a safe but satisfactory speed. His hands were on his hips, pulling ever so slightly every time he pushed himself in.  
  
“Tae…Hnngh, Hyung?”  The younger moaned. A drop of sweat fell down from his hair onto the kitchen table.  
  
“Jae… Watch. Look” Taeyong ordered, admiring the younger’s reflection in the mirror. His shoulders shone like polished copper, worked to perfection. Yes he saw himself as well, his broad shoulders and his bony chest, his own face – and yet he almost didn’t recognize himself, because the man in the reflection seemed strong and liberated. That was someone else fucking this beautiful man. It couldn’t possibly be Lee Taeyong himself, could it? Was he really worthy? Was he even capable? He didn’t know, but the man behind Jaehyun certainly seemed to be both worthy and fully capable.

  
Jaehyun gazed up under his sweaty bangs.  
“Look at yourself. Look how perfect you are like that, darling” Taeyong mumbled before thrusting a bit harder, slapping the younger’s ass cheek hard on the same reddened spot as before.  
  
“Aaaah!” Jaehyun groaned and squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
”Come on, look!” Taeyong tried again, and leaned forward to grab hold of Jaehyun’s chin and pulled it up, forcing the younger to straighten his back the slightest.  
He slipped his finger into Jaehyun’s warm mouth and pulled slightly at the corner of his mouth, making sure Jaehyun was watching himself in the reflection. The caramel brown eyes were hazed by pleasure and what not, and it was clear that Jaehyun had problems focusing his gaze.  
  
“You are… ahh, Jaehyunnie, I’d lick the skin off you if I could, pretty boy” the older moaned, picking up his speed. The lewd sound of skin clashing against skin echoed against the window. “Look at yourself being fucked by me, by your little kitten. Ain’t it curious?”  
  
For some weird reason, Taeyong’s own voice egged him on more, and it felt like his erection got even more swollen inside the already tight embrace, until he felt like he just melted into the other’s body by sheer pressure. He wasn’t even sure what was him and what was Jaehyun anymore, since everything felt like a hot, tingling mess of friction and nerves, but he reckoned it meant that he was close. He had no idea which angle was the best for Jaehyun, but based on the younger’s heavy breathing and shaking arms he was doing at least something right.  
  
“Do you like it?” He yelled, slapping Jaehyun’s ass yet another time.  
  
“YES! Oh my god Taeyongie Hyung I like it so so much” Jaehyun finally said as quickly as he possibly could before having to draw another breath. “But please, give me more, will you?”  
  
Somewhere in the back of Taeyong’s mind he was afraid that the treatment he gave Jaehyun was nowhere near to the impact of Ho-Sub’s probably enormous dick and macho persona. _Stop thinking about him, Jeez!_ But he really wanted to please Jaehyun the way he pleased him, taking him nicely and giving him a candied sense of being possessed by someone who’ll do anything just to make him feel worshipped. Furthermore, Taeyong refused to believe that relationships were supposed to be built around fixed roles and stereotypes – No, relationships were supposed to be equal in a way that it didn’t really matter who did what in the household or in the bed. All Taeyong wanted was to make Jaehyun stay – but only if Jaehyun stayed by his level, never to tower above him believing he could buy him off like he once did.  
  
“… Can you? “ Jaehyun’s voice sounded.  
  
_Yes, I can._  
  
“Oh fuck you, Jaehyun” Taeyong grunted and put in another gear.  
  
He grabbed the younger by his nape to stabilize himself, before starting to pound harder and faster with all the power he had in his thighs and hips. Jaehyun almost fell over making the pull at his neck feel even worse, but he managed to keep himself propped onto his arms. Taeyong was pleased to see him scrunching his pretty face in the window.  
  
The older reached out to grab Jaehyun’s nipple, twisting it between his fingers until the younger begun to whimper. The sound was music to Taeyong’s ears, and he continued caressing his sweaty chest the best he could without losing his own balance. Taeyong’s glass of water from earlier suddenly fell to the floor with a loud clanking sound, but it luckily kept itself intact.  
  
Eventually the younger begun to moan more loudly, and the odd, hollow sounds of Jaehyun’s whimpering were nothing like the sounds he usually made during sex. _So this is what I’ve missed…_ hearing him break into pieces from a lovely mismatch of satisfaction and pain. _What kind of God could allow pain to feel this good?  
_**  
** Past the point of no return he could no longer fight his body’s needs. The pressure in his lower regions kept on growing and growing and he knew he was close, so close, to that wonderful release he’d been dreaming of for the past couple of days. But despite the pleasure of having sex there was something definitely lacking with this setting – and Taeyong couldn’t deny that the thing he missed was the feeling of being filled to the rim by Jaehyun’s thick cock, taking him so deliciously hard he might break just because he had allowed the younger to use and own and love his body in any way he seemed fitting. It wasn’t like he was supposed to feel like he owned Jaehyun or anything ridiculous like that just because he was topping for once; No, the only thing he wished to own was his heart, nothing more. But to be completely honest, he almost felt a tiny bit…irrelevant. Anyone could fuck, right? Some better than others, but… to be able to give in and submit completely to another person… that wasn’t something just anyone could do, was it?  
  
But good god how good it still felt to ram into Jaehyun’s tight hole repeatedly, while watching his beautiful back muscles play under his milky skin. He looked like one of those antique statues from ancient Greece – polished, trimmed to perfection, mesmerizingly beautiful and surprisingly carnal. Taeyong knew he was gonna come any second now and he was desperate to take Jaehyun with him. With the last strength of his upper body he reached out to grab hold of Jaehyun’s shaft, earning an almost beastly grunt from the younger.  
  
Soon his orgasm crashed like waves against the rocky shore of his life, and he felt himself losing it, losing it completely. He knew he yelled something but he couldn’t make sense of himself anymore, since his whole being had been lost into the wonders of Jaehyun’s body.  
  
It felt weird, being sucked in like this, being hugged all around, so hard that he was afraid he might break if he pulled out. But his legs were shaking too much and his head felt dizzy, so he knew he had to do something unless he wanted to pass out on Jaehyun’s back. An embarrassing gasp escaped his lips as he thought the friction of pulling out would make him come again. Obviously it didn’t. He was still in a haze as he watched a stream of his own fluids drip down Jaehyun’s thigh.  
  
“Jae..” He whispered as he started to feel faint. Taking a few steps backwards he found a chair and decided to crash down into it since his own knees weren’t able to keep up with his weight anymore. _Air. My brain needs air. Did I forget to breathe or something?_  
  
“Jaehyu… hyunnie?”.  
  
The younger turned around, looking like he had been attacked by a cat by the scratches he had on his sides and his hips. Taeyong was slightly disappointed to see how he had failed to make the younger cum. Jaehyun’s rockhard cock was poking straight in the air despite its weight, a profound heaviness Taeyong found himself very much fond of.  
  
Jaehyun’s eyes were dark from feral want. Sweat dripped down his chest and Taeyong wondered if he had energy left to crawl up to him and suck it off his skin.  
  
“Taeyongie Hyung I’m gonna come just by watching you” Jaehyun sluddered, pushing back his hair from his forehead. “Come on, fuck your fist”  
  
“W-what?” The older said, slightly confused by the sudden order. But he came already, didn’t he feel it? Or hear it? Gosh, it was impossible to touch himself right now without sending his poor nerve-ends to a warzone of overstimulation.  
  
“Come on!” Jaehyun snapped, almost looking a bit intimidating – which of course made Taeyong’s tired dick twitch pathetically. “Please, Hyung! Just do it”  
   
_Maybe it won’t feel that bad_ , he thought as he grabbed his cock.  
  
Oh, well.  
  
“OH GOD” Taeyong yelled, because his own hand around his wrecked oversensitive prick was just way too much! If he hadn’t seen Jaehyun’s mouth fall open he would have let go off himself at once. But he didn’t, so with a trembling hand he begun to pump and squeeze his shaft, still covered in slick and cum. Taeyong thought his brain would break from the amount of sensation he felt, but he forced himself to continue. “Ooooh my fucking god fuck no no-“ he whined.  
  
Through heavy lids he saw Jaehyun crumble in front of him.  
  
“Fuck…” the younger breathed and fell down to his knees, still not touching himself at all.  And like some stupid magic trick he come all over the floor, swearing and cursing Taeyong’s name in a way only someone who loves you does.  
_  
He came just by watching me,_ Taeyong thought, suddenly feeling too proud to remember how wickedly good but horrible his hand felt around himself. _What kind of sorcery is this_? In the end he found himself screaming, hitting the back of his head against the chair’s back rest and eventually letting go.  
  
  
  
If it only could be like this. Jaehyun and Taeyong, minus the voices.    
Just them, without words, without context. Without consequences.  
Why couldn’t it be like this?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all who still reads this <3 Next chapter Taeyong will have to talk :(


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter from Jaehyun's POV. Sorry it's dialogue heavy.

This wasn’t exactly how Jaehyun thought the night would turn out. Not that he didn’t like having sex with the most beautiful man alive, but he kind of still felt that Taeyong was just escaping from their struggles by distracting Jaehyun from the real issue, which was their lack of communication. Obviously this wasn’t anything Jaehyun kept thinking about while lying on the floor in front of his dinner table trying to catch his breath while his behind was burning from that bittersweet ache he hadn’t felt in a few months. It came to him later in the bathroom when he was sitting on the toilet trying to get rid of his boyfriends cum – not exactly the most romantic of situations.

When he stepped out of the bathroom and saw Taeyong lying spread out and naked on his couch he forgave him instantly, deciding to pursue the talking business later in bed tonight. Right now he just needed to kiss him – kiss him for all he was worth until there weren’t a single cell of their bodies that they weren’t sharing in some way or another.  
  
After having cleaned up the mess they’ve made they decided to take a shower together, continuing to share sweet, tender kisses under hot water. They didn’t talk much (which Jaehyun accepted since he didn’t want to press Taeyong too much after such an intimate moment), just brushed their teeth in silence after Taeyong had taken his dose of quetiapine.  
  
“Have you increased the dosage?” Jaehyun kindly asked.  
  
“No” Taeyong said and proceeded to put on some milky eye cream from a small, lilac jar.  It looked expensive. _Where did he get the money for his clothes and his cosmetics? That bar-job could impossibly pay that well…_  
  
“Oh, I thought I saw you taking just one pill some time ago” He replied quietly.  
  
“Uh, could be I had ran out of pills” the older replied mindlessly.  
  
_Gosh,_ _someone experienced should really check on his medication. He’s been kinda… kinda unstable lately? Maybe I could ask my colleague to do a referral to a psychiatrist …_ _  
_  
Jaehyun got interrupted in his thoughts as Taeyong continued speaking.  
  
“Don’t you use any moisturizer? I mean, your skin looks phenomenal, but if I for example didn’t use any I’d look like a dry pimpled prune” Taeyong pointed out when tapping his cheeks with some other lotion of a different brand.  
  
Jaehyun took a look at himself in the mirror. He had a baby face for sure, so he hadn’t really thought about needing to take care of his “aging” skin just yet. It didn’t surprise him Taeyong used products, though. He looked very young for his age – except for when he was sick and lost the glow he usually had.  
“Uhm, I just do cleansing well” Jaehyun replied.  
  
“Lucky bastard” Taeyong mumbled lovingly and left the bathroom.  
  
Jaehyun ended up alone in the bathroom, staring at his own reflection.  
  
His naked skin was filled with marks and scratches of their love making, but he didn’t care about that. Leaning closer to the mirror, he inspected his face, searching for any marks of aging. Luckily his skin was still soft and smooth, elastic and bouncy to the touch; but what if he one day woke up with deep wrinkles between his eyebrows or next to his mouth, and Taeyong would scold him for not taking care of himself more, for not keeping the house clean enough, for not working out as much as before… Well, in reality Jaehyun couldn’t see any reason why Taeyong would do such a thing, but since it was better to be safe than sorry he decided to go buy a nice moisturizer next time he went to the shops. After all, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy to be together with someone as beautiful as Taeyong – especially when knowing how superficial he was when it came to appearance. There were rivals in every corner, and maybe one day Taeyong would meet someone new and younger who fitted his instaprofile better than a sloppy Jaehyun. _Damn, why am I degrading Hyung like this? I should trust him - he would never do anything like that, am I not right? Although I still really need to talk to him._ _  
_  
After having judged his unknowingly handsome face for far too long he went to join Taeyong in the bedroom.  
  
The boy was already snuggled up beneath the covers, upper body still pleasantly naked. He looked fairly relaxed and peaceful for once, probably thanks to the alcohol and the orgasmic amount of endorphins in his bloodstream. But yeah, maybe he’d be ready for a small chat right now.  
  
Their situation really bothered Jaehyun as the thing he’d witnessed earlier today was highly unsettling. He knew Taeyong was hiding something from him – something major – and he had to know what it concerned if he was to be able to act as a boyfriend to him and not as a doctor. Otherwise he would just continue to analyze and ponder and eventually ask Johnny to print out his psychiatric records for “diagnostic” reasons – and that would just make the black haired man his patient again, something that Jaehyun definitely didn’t want to happen anymore.  
  
Feeling almost a bit guilty in advance he jumped in beneath the covers. He gathered Taeyong’s tiny frame close to him, having his arm beneath his head so that the older could rest against Jaehyun’s chest.  
  
They lay like that for a while, just breathing slowly together in synchronized harmony. The lamp on the nightstand was still switched on – Jaehyun was afraid he would fall asleep immediately if he switched it off.  
  
Taeyong intertwined their legs together and sighed happily against the younger’s chest. It almost sounded like a purr, something that fitted his catlike features perfectly.  
_Damn, I shouldn’t ruin this moment but…_ _  
_  
But he had to.  
“Hey, baby, are you okay?” Jaehyun asked, stroking the older’s neck with his free hand.  
  
“Right now I am, thanks to you” The older answered, voice thick with an incoming sleep.  
  
“I mean like generally”  
  
The older stayed silent for a while, and the finger making mindless circles on Jaehyun’s chest stopped mid moment. Apparently he realized what Jaehyun was going after with this particular question.  
  
“Do we have to do this right now?” The older asked a lot more awaken now, turning his neck a bit in an attempt to look at Jaehyun.  
  
“I … I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep otherwise…You scared me today, baby”  
  
Taeyong sighed heavily and let his head fall back against Jaehyun’s chest.  
  
“I thought we were past the phase were you ask me how I feel. I’m not your patient anymore” He muttered.  
  
“What?” Jaehyun tried his best to hide the annoyance in his voice. Of course he understood that Taeyong didn’t have much experience in dealing with serious relationships, but still –  
  
“Am I not allowed to be worried about you as your boyfriend?”  
  
“Ah, you don’t need to worry, I’m okay. I had my lungs fucked up and dealt with at the hospital already, there’s nothing to worry about anymore. Not being able to dance for a month is already the worst thing that could happen”  
  
Jaehyun stared into the ceiling; The same ceiling he had stared into so many times before, whenever he had had a fight with Ho-Sub or a difficult case at work or when he first realized he’d fallen for a certain Lee Taeyong. The ceiling was a blank canvas, a little like a whiteboard were he tried to make sense of his problems in an analytical way. By past experience it didn’t work too well.  
  
“It’s not that. I’m just worried about … about your mental health”  
  
Taeyong tensed up for a moment before leaving his place on Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun glanced to his side only to see the older having turned his back against him. No reply was heard, making the silence between them icy.  
  
Jaehyun continued. “You know I never read your psychiatric records. But I’m not as thickheaded as you might think sometimes - I know for a fact that you’re not okay. Actually, there’s two things I want to discuss regarding it”  
  
Taeyong laid still, probably busy cursing Jaehyun for bringing these sensitive topics up. But since the younger wanted to live in an honest relationship he couldn’t be tip toeing around his boyfriend just because he was afraid he would break apart if he said something too provoking.  
  
“I know you used to suffer from an eating disorder. I don’t know why, but… “  
  
The next few words made him sick in his gut. He had been haunted by them for some time now few days and he wasn’t sure if it was a good decision to say them out loud.  
  
“… I feel that you’ve become sicker since I met you. You’ve lost weight. Like, generally – not just because of your embolism. Obviously I don’t know what kind of diet you follow at home but the eating habits I’ve witnessed here are not healthy”  
  
Taeyong was thumbing on the sheets restlessly. “I AM eating”, he muttered.  
  
“Yes, yes, I know you do but… but, please, just tell me you aren’t getting worse because of me?”  
  
It was quiet for some time, and Jaehyun almost thought it was some sort of a silent confirmation. But then Taeyong slowly sighed and spoke in a tiny, weak voice; “Of course it isn’t because of you. You take good care of me, better than anyone ever took”  
  
Jaehyun put a hand on top of Taeyong’s shoulder, rubbing it gently. He could feel the acromion process protruding under his skin.  
  
“You know how I adore you. You are flawless in my eyes nevertheless. I just don’t want you to disappear in front of my eyes... I’m afraid that eventually you’re just gonna be skin and bones and turn into dust between my arms”  
  
“No, that won’t happen, I’m not sick like that anymore” Taeyong said with some allegation evident in his tone.  
  
“But you are! You’re barely touching your food? Don’t you think I realize that you’ve barely eating anything out of my fridge when I’m at work? What are you living on, air and occasional ice cream?”  
  
“I’m just not hungry since I’m not allowed to exercise!” The older snapped.  
  
“I don’t care if you’re not hungry, you gotta eat!”  
Jaehyun realized that he had raised his voice too much and his well-wishing words were turning into accusation.  
  
He sighed and pulled back his hand from Taeyong’s shoulder.  
  
“Okay. Look. I’m not a psychiatrist. I can’t help professionally. But you _need_ help. And it’s just not the eating thing”  
  
Jaehyun remembered the ambulance report from the hospital that he more or less accidentally read. **  
**  
“You’re schizophrenic, aren’t you?”  
  
Taeyong didn’t answer.  
  
“That’s why you take Quetiapine, right?”  
  
Taeyong still didn’t answer.  
  
“I saw it in your papers when I visited the hospital”  
  
Nothing.  
  
_Great talk, indeed_.  
  
Jaehyun turned to his side and grabbed Taeyong’s shoulder so that he could turn him onto his back again. Then he propped himself up on his elbows so that he could watch the black haired boy’s profile with his straight, chiseled nose and swollen lips. A sudden urge to dip his tongue in the groove between his nose and his lips tickled Jaehyun’s mind.  
  
Taeyong was staring at the ceiling, eyes going back and forth like he was reading some invisible text that Jaehyun had telepathically written there a long time ago.   
  
“Taeyongie Hyung, it’s nothing to ashamed of. I’m a doctor, I get it, and it doesn’t change my opinions about you at all. I’m just worried that there’s something you’re hiding from me and I don’t know why you would do that”  
  
When the older didn’t answer, Jaehyun grabbed his hand and squeezed it for several seconds until he felt the other timidly squeezing his hand back. Taeyong blinked with his eyes several times before letting his beautiful, red and raw mouth fall open. With a sting of guilt Jaehyun couldn’t help but notice how he had split the corners of his lips.  
  
When he didn’t speak, Jaehyun leaned in to kiss him slightly over his cheek.  
  
“You can tell me everything. I won’t get mad”  
  
Taeyong’s breath hitched.  
  
“I have a voice in my head” he said breathlessly.  
  
Jaehyun felt the lump in is throat grow. So it was true.  
  
“It’s been there since I was a teen.”  
  
Jaehyun stroked the older’s cheek with his hand gently, hoping it motivated the older to keep talking. He felt utterly bad for him.  
  
“What does this voice tell you?”  
  
“That I’m a worthless no-body and a whore relying on my looks for money and appreciation. That I should kill myself. That you will never truly love me because of this”  
  
_God, that hurt._  
  
“When did you hear this?”  
  
“He makes sure to tell me that every day and every hour”  
  
Taeyong needed help. From Jaehyun’s knowledge he hadn’t been going to his therapist or his psychiatric doctor for a few years – he had just been renewing his prescription of Quetiapine every 6 months and telling people that he had recovered. The drug alone wasn’t apparently even nearly enough to keep his schizophrenia at bay. The voice would probably never completely leave his head, but it should be silenced down enough so that Taeyong would be able to live a close to normal life. Some kind of intervention was crucial, since he couldn't allow the boy to walk around with having suicidal thoughts by a daily basis - it was like a ticking time bomb, _for fucks sake_! Furthermore, Jaehyun didn’t know how much the hallucination truly controlled his being. How much of the poor man’s personality was actually dependent on that voice? What if Jaehyun didn’t even know the real Taeyong?   
  
“But- … You know it’s not true, right? That it’s just an auditory hallucination?” Jaehyun said, voice cracking slightly.  
  
Taeyong shrugged.  
  
“Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t  - I don't know what is him or me anymore”  
  
“Have he… it’s a he, right? Have he… hurt you? Made you hurt yourself?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
Cold shivers ran along Jaehyun’s back. No-one was allowed to hurt his beautiful, innocent boyfriend. Not even himself- not even -…  
_Oh, God._ Hope it didn’t mean that… that…  
  
“Have you hurt yourself recently?”   
  
Jaehyun could never forgive himself if he knew that Taeyong had been self-harming while they were together. He would never forgive himself for being that blind.   
  
Luckily, Taeyong shook his head slowly. “No. I won’t let him win that easily. It happened in the past.”  
  
“Oh, Thank God” Jaehyun exclaimed. “But… has it always been this bad? I mean, you didn’t even look like yourself when I found you today. It was someone else behind your eyes. Not you. I got really scared”  
  
Taeyong sighed and tried to look at Jaehyun. His eyes didn’t shine like usual – it was like some old lacy veil was draping his black orbs, making them dull and tired.   
  
The older hesitated, swallowing twice before opening his mouth again. “I guess it’s been a little worse lately. For the past month. It doesn’t have to do with you though, I promise!”  
  
Jaehyun looked him in the eyes and saw the fear and the vicious self-hatred that partly was his own as his hallucinations. It pained him to know that the other had begun to feel worse despite Jaehyun's efforts to make him feel appreciated. Of course it had to do with Jaehyun, at least in some way. Taeyong probably couldn't unconsciously allow himself the happiness of being in a healthy relationship because of how much his disease made him despise himself.   
  
“Taeyongie Hyung, baby, you need to seek help. You need to reach out for your psychiatrist and your psychologist and whoever knows about your past issues. I’m just a regular doctor, I can… I can treat regular, easy problems, but yours… schizophrenia is a chronic disease, it needs proper assessment and thorough evaluation and management. It would be best for you to be taken into a clinic for a few weeks to-“  
  
Taeyong suddenly grabbed his wrist softly and looked into his eyes pleadingly.   
  
“Is it true?”  
  
“Huh?” Jaehyun furrowed his brows in confusion. “What is true?”  
  
“That you’ll never love me”  
  
Jaehyun’s blood froze to ice.  
  
What kind of question was that? Of course he’d love him, but … they were still so very early in their relationship, and telling someone that you love them was a serious thing, and on top of that he had decided to wait for his confession until the issues between him and Taeyong had been sorted out, something that he was in fact trying to do right now.  
  
“Why-…. why do you say that?”  
  
“That’s your answer?”  
  
“W-what?”  
  
“You remember how you said you love me the last time we had sex? We both pretended like I didn’t hear it. But was it true?”  
  
The grip on Jaehyun’s wrist was hard and it slowly started to hurt.  
  
“Taeyongie, you’re not listening to me, you’re being a mess and you need help and-“  
  
“I’d love you even though it was you being a fucking mess! And you ain’t even that!” Taeyong snapped, releasing his hold of Jaehyun’s wrist.  
  
The awkwardness of the situation made the air between them thick. So Taeyong suddenly wanted to change the topic from his own mental situation to the fact that Jaehyun wasn’t ready to say that he loved him yet? _You got to be kidding_ … How could the older love anyone if he couldn’t even love himself the slightest? And how on earth had Jaehyun made himself believe that Taeyong was in fact even ready for a proper relationship in his state of mind? He had been so concerned with his own  very recent and dramatic break-up with Ho-Sub that he had completely forgot to assess whether Taeyong was even stable enough to start dating. 

  
“Taeyong, you need to take care of yourself first, you need to-“  
  
The older turned his back towards Jaehyun again rather aggressively.  
  
“You don’t tell me what I need. I’m done talking, good night”  
  
“Hey, baby, come on, I’m just trying to-“  
  
“Good night.” Taeyong repeated, more harshly this time.  
  
Jaehyun groaned and turned to switch off the light on his night stand. It had been a childish move from Taeyong’s side to turn the conversation to a completely different topic, especially to one that definitely would make Jaehyun falter. And gosh, he’d almost forgotten about that awkward slip from earlier this week. It hadn’t been an ideal situation for love confessions, and neither was this.  
  
He’d go through Taeyong’s journals first thing on Monday to see who used to treat him when he was younger. If they still were practicing he would make sure that Taeyong booked an appointment for them, otherwise he’d have to put him into the mental ward against his own will for being psychotic and a danger to himself.  
  
Pulling the covers higher on his body, he rolled closer to Taeyong in an attempt to wrap his arm over the smaller frame and spoon him to sleep. But as soon as he touched him Taeyong flinched and pushed the arm away.  
  
“Not now Jaehyun, you made me sad”  
  
The younger rolled onto his back and sighed, rubbing his face with his palms.  
  
“I’m sorry for making you upset baby, I just wanted to help”  
  
“I can take care of myself”  
  
“I don’t think you do, and I won’t rest before you promise me to seek help”  
  
“Stay awake then. Good night”  
  
Jaehyun got agitated enough to raise his voice. “Taeyongie hyung! You gotta be kidding me, for the first time it’s you being naïve and not me! I’m just worried about you and it breaks my heart to hear what you have to deal with every day! It doesn’t have to be like that. Your own health is more important than any relationship – take care of that first before stressing about love. I like you so much darling, but I don’t want to make any commitments before I know you’re strong enough to deal with what it means”  
  
Taeyong sniffed. “I knew this would happen”

“What?”   
  
_Oh please don't start crying now, I can't take that.  
_  
The older’s voice was so thin Jaehyun could barely hear it.  
  
“I knew I would lose you if I told you the truth”  
  
“What are you saying, Hyung? I’m still here! I’m not going anywhere!”  
  
“Not yet”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t know what to say anymore. He’d never… He’d never leave anyone as heaven-sent as Taeyong. From the moment he met him the first time, he knew he’d never get to meet anyone like him. And Jaehyun had promised himself to make his sacrifices worth it for Taeyong’s sake. But he couldn’t be selfish now and promise his boyfriend a life of happiness when Taeyong's consciousness kept telling him lie after lie bound to eventually destroy him.  
  
  
  
Minutes passed and he tried to map out his troubled mind on the dark ceiling. The desperation and heart-ache in Taeyong's voice had been real and palpable - and Jaehyun's inability to give him what he wanted didn't make things better at all.   
  
Self-doubt started creeping up his back. Maybe he actually _was_ being selfish in the way he kept the confession Taeyong so badly wanted to hear away from him _._ It wasn't like Jaehyun didn't love the man - he had loved him from the moment he stepped into his office - he just didn't know it back then.  _Let your heart speak, Yoonoh. Love isn’t reasonable. Love isn’t wise._    
  
Jaehyun took a deep breath.  
  
“Taeyong, I do love you. I do. I meant it that time as well. It’s just that I sometimes feel like I don’t know the person I seem to love” He whispered, heart racing and almost jumping up his throat. "So I beg you, please, seek help"   
  
The older didn’t reply. A soft, almost inaudible snoring filled the room.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
Jaehyun realized the other had already fallen asleep. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my goooood so sorry for not updating!!! I've been so busy... Went to the States to see SuperM and then I got a new job so everything's been kind of messy!
> 
> Here's a supershort chapter just to show that I'm back! I'm gonna try to wrap this fic up during Christmas :)

Going to bed in the middle of an argument was never a good idea.  Jaehyun once again woke up before Taeyong. The older was sleeping soundly under the huge duvet cover like he didn’t have a single care in the world. If only he could be that peaceful awake as well. But god knows what goes on in that troubled mind of his, Jaehyun thought solemnly. He hadn’t slept that good as he had been going through every possible scenario and outcome of any future actions on his behalf regarding the matter of him, Taeyong and the monster in his head. Jaehyun thoroughly wished he could help him somehow, but his own professional skills were nowhere enough.   
  
 Around 5 a.m. he had sent a text to Johnny asking if he was at the hospital in case he could quickly check which psychiatric doctor had last been seeing Taeyong. Johnny replied around 9 a.m.   
  
09.05 Johnny  
 _”I wouldn’t be working a night shift if I’m planning to get drunk the night after. And furthermore, you know that’s not legal since I've never actually been responsible for his treatment. Anyways, see you later tonight?”_   
  
Oh, right. The party at that Thai-boy’s place that Johnny had talked about. Crap, he had promised him to join Johnny as not to make the older feel awkward by going alone. _Ahhh, fuck…._ Jaehyun decided not to answer the text. Maybe Johnny would forget about him and just go with some random girl from the neighborhood.   
  
He made himself coffee, read the newspaper and surfed the net mindlessly while Taeyong still slept in his bed. In all honesty he was slightly nervous about facing his boyfriend after how their discussion had ended yesterday, so eventually he just left him a note on the kitchen table before heading out for the day.   
  
_Good morning. Please text me when you wake up, honey. Hope you’re not angry with me? I’m gonna go work out and then visit my parents. xx, J._

  
  


After letting out some steam at the gym he went to his parent’s place for lunch. Taeyong hadn’t messaged him yet, but then again, he tends to sleep until afternoon. His parents were buzzing about some new partnership, and his mother was even baking a cake to celebrate it – like it was someone’s goddamned birthday. Jaehyun sighed and pretended to be interested – after all, it was his parent’s money that he had to thank his education and housing for.   
  
“Why don’t you invite us over for dinner some night? I’m sure you’ve mastered cooking now after we got you that hi-tech kitchen” His father laughed.   
  
“Ehm, sure, I’ve definitely mastered the microwave”   
  
“Our son is so funny” his mother said while whipping the cream for the cake.   
  
“Don’t underestimate yourself, son, insecurity is the biggest sin in business” his father pointed up.  
  
Good thing I’m not in business, then” Jaehyun muttered and checked his phone again. Nothing.   
  
They ate lunch together and Jaehyun was able to eventually relax. His father had a soothing effect of him, despite his immense pride and occasional sternness. When talking about his future job at the hospital he accidentally mentioned how he went there to visit Taeyong (his –date-) when he was sick.   
  
“It’s the same boy you spoke about some weeks ago?” His mother asked.   
  
“Yes, it is. He’s currently staying at my place while recovering”. Jaehyun felt the need to state this in case his parents decided to come for a surprise dinner visit in the near future.   
  
“He lives with you? I guess you’re serious, then”   
  
_Uhm, yeah? Aren't we?_  
  
He supposed they were serious. Serious enough to be each other’s boyfriends. But the depth of their seriousness was still undecided – even more than before due to their argument last night. But Jaehyun sincerely hoped they would be able to settle their issues soon enough, so he decided to be positive.   
  
“I think so, yes” Jaehyun answered timidly.   
  
“We would very much like to meet him” His father said respectfully.   
  
“Yes, why don’t you call him and ask him to come here for cake and coffee?”   
  
“Uhm, I guess he’s sleeping, he hasn’t texted me yet about waking up” Jaehyun mumbled.   
  
“Sleeping at this hour?” His mother burst out.  
Jaehyun ignored the comment and put his phone down.   
  


After having finished lunch the doorbell rang, and Mrs. Jung went up to welcome her visitor.   
“Who’s coming?” Jaehyun asked.   
  
”Oh, Ho-Sub-ah is coming to celebrate our new partnership! I thought your Mother would have told you when she invited you here?” His father said cheerfully.   
Jaehyun almost spit out his tea.   
  
Ho-Sub was coming? Gosh, it was such a curse to know how much his parents loved and adored his stupid business savvy ex-boyfriend. He contemplated leaving immediately, but he knew how disappointed his Mother would be if he left before having even tasted her cake she had been working on since morning. Rubbing his eyes with his palms he decided to leave as soon as he had finished his piece of cake. Gosh, this day was already such a mess. Knowing how things ended with Taeyong last night, having to go to that party of Johnny’s later tonight and now Ho-Sub…   
  
“You really had to invite both of us…” Jaehyun groaned, though not receiving any answer from his parents.   
  
Ho-Sub’s face froze when he saw that Jaehyun as well was visiting the Jung’s – like it was unexpected to have their actual son there for coffee and cake. It was at least a slight relief to know that it apparently wasn’t Ho-Sub’s idea to meet up – he seemed just as perplexed as Jaehyun. Just as he was about to text Johnny that he really didn’t feel like partying tonight said friend messaged him to make sure that he indeed was coming.   
  
_14.50 Johnny_  
 _I’m too awkward to go alone! I already told him we’re coming! Be a good bro, hey??_  
  
 _14.52_  
 _You, awkward?_  
  
 _14.52 Johnny_  
 _Tsk tsk well I don’t wanna seem to desperate to go to some random dude’s party alone. And you know I need my wingman there_  
  
 _14.52_  
 _Ugh….._  
  
 _14.53 Johnny_  
 _Bring ur boyfriend?_  
  
Yeah. That as well. After their discussion yesterday he really didn’t feel like asking Taeyong to come out drinking. First of all, he really didn’t feel like celebrating or anything. And furthermore, having a mentally unstable Taeyong drink his lights out wasn’t really the brightest of ideas… He only wished to spend some decent time with him this evening, watch a movie, eat some good food, and maybe – just maybe, be on good terms again. Maybe he’d get another chance on confessing his feelings. Maybe he won’t have to take him to the psychiatric emergency either. Jaehyun shook his head invisibly. _It's not fair to think like that about him._    
  
14.55  
 _He’s not feeling well. Btw Shit-sub is here at my parent’s house, I might kill myself before the party  
_  
  
The Jung’s were discussing eagerly about some new business idea with Ho-Sub, completely ignoring their moody son. They served him a slice of cake and let him be, dwelling in his own personal struggles. Ho-Sub stole a glance at him every now and then, and Jaehyun made sure not to even breathe in his direction unless by accident. It obviously angered the other, who still apparently wished to win his ex-boyfriend back – probably more for the sake of his parents and not for Jaehyun’s.   
  
He suddenly spoke up.  
  
“Mrs. and Mr. Jung, have you met Jaehyunnies new boyfriend yet?” The sarcasm in his voice brought Jaehyun to the edge of vomiting out the cake he already stuffed inside.   
  
Mr. Jung tensed up, sensing the awkwardness of the situation, so Mrs. Jung answered on their behalf.   
  
“Uhm, no, we have not. We thought, maybe he could have come here since I’ve made this enormous cake and all, but Jaehyunnie doesn’t seem to want to bring him here yet”  
  
“Oh, what a pity. I’ve met him, actually. Quite the dainty little princess. I’ve seen him at the health care center. And once me and Jaehyunnie wen’t to this club to see him dance- OW!” Ho-Sub was interrupted with a hard kick on his shinbone.   
  
Jaehyun got up to put the plate and the cutlery away. He’s not taking any of this man’s bullshit. No way.  
  


“Jaehyun! How come Ho-Sub has met your boyfriend and we haven’t?” Mrs. Jung exclaimed while Mr. Jung stared shocked at Ho-Sub after hearing his words. Jaehyun couldn’t tell if it was the “health care center” or “see him dance” that upset him the most.   
  
“It’s just – It’s just not the right time!” Jaehyun whined.   
  
“But it’s over 3 p.m. already…”   
  
“Not like that!” Jaehyun was just about to go when his phone rang.   
  
Suddenly the whole room was silent, because everyone knew it must be Jaehyun’s mysterious boyfriend calling. With a groan he answered the phone, because yes, indeed, it was Taeyong. He would have left the house to speak in solitude but his mother’s pleading eyes were too much for his conscience to handle.   
  
He barely had time to greet him.   
  
_“Jaehyun, I’m going home now_ ” Taeyong’s hoarse voice said. He hadn’t been crying, had he?   
  
“W-what? You don’t… You don’t need to” Jaehyun stuttered, fully aware of the audience listening.   
  
_“I just need some time to breathe and play some video games with my stupid roommate. Just for a couple of days, I promise”_  
  
“Ask him if he wants to come over for cake!!!!” Mrs. Jung screamed from behind Jaehyun.   
  
 _“What? Who’s that?”_ Taeyong asked rather suspiciously.   
  
”Oh, it’s my mother… I was here for lunch. You didn't read my message on the table?”   
  
“Send Taeyong-ah my regards!!” Ho-Sub shouted next to him.   
  
The line fell silent for a while.   
  
_“Was that your ex?_ ” Taeyong asked in a small voice.   
  
_Oh fuck…_   
  
“Ah, yeah. Yeah. Uhm” Jaehyun really had to leave this room immediately. He signaled his mother to let go off his arm and walked briskly towards the door. “Hyung, about yesterday, I think I said some things that you didn’t hear since you fell asleep… I … Could we please talk?”   
  
The usually light voice sounded icy cold on the other side of the line. “The words I want to hear are not that many. We don’t need a whole talk for that. I’m going-“  
  
“NO!” Jaehyun suddenly shouted as he put his shoes on and rushed outside the house.   
  
“No- Don’t you DARE do this after all I’ve done for you!”   
  
Taeyong was quiet, but he didn’t hang up.   
  
“Now, listen- “ the younger shouted, feeling his eyes beginning to burn and tingle. “Whatever voices- … whatever you hear inside your pretty head, listen to me, only me right now, will you?”  Jaehyun usually didn’t raise his voice like this. Especially not against Taeyong since he was so desperately afraid of losing the other.   
  
Taeyong took a deep breathe on the other side.   
  
“Hyung – I love you! I really do love you! I want you, I need you, I want to be with you for as long as you would let me – I swear, I spoke the truth before as well!”  
  
Something fell to the floor. Jaehyun wasn’t sure if the sound came from Jaehyun’s apartment or from his parent’s house.   
  
“Do you hear me???” He screamed into the phone. ”I love you so fucking much, that time when you were at the hospital, I almost couldn’t take it, I couldn’t even imagine a world without you- … Please, believe me” He sobbed, feeling tears falling down his cheeks. Jaehyun was still standing on the pebble path leading the way from the front door to the street. His car seemed to be so far away. His car…. suddenly he realized that he had been looking at his old car. His previous, fancy-pancy million dollar of a truck – the one he went to meet Taeyong on for their first date of sort. But it wasn’t his car anymore. It was Ho-Sub’s car – blocking the way out for his own smaller, almost pathetic looking freaking peasant’s car.   
  
“You hear me?” He said with a cracked voice.   
  
Taeyong finally spoke.   
  
“ _Yes_ ”   
  
And then he hung up.   
  
Jaehyun’s face froze as he looked down on his phone screen where Taeyong’s name dimmed out.  
  
 _What? What does this mean? What the fuck does this mean? Wasn't that what he wanted to hear, right? Didn't he say he wanted Jaehyun to confess his feeling to him, like he hadn't done that already multiple times between the lines? He couldn't possibly leave now?_    
  
Jaehyun knew he had to drive home as soon as possible. If Taeyong wasn't there, he would drive to his apartment. If he wasn't there either, he'd go to the dance studio. And if he wasn't there, he'd search under every single bridge of this city until he found his darling. He'd embrace him in his arms and never let go - come what may.   
  
”But why would he-….” He stammered to himself.   
  
“Trouble in paradise?”   
  
Come what may. Whatever, but _him._    
  
Jaehyun turned around to see Ho-Sub smirking at him in a way that made Jaehyun feel nothing but pure disgust. He had heard everything and seen Jaehyun’s wet cheeks. The way he just stood there, wearing his fancy suit, with Jaehyun’s great grandmother’s porcelain cup in his hand, smiling at him, ridiculing him – it was more than enough to make Jaehyun’s blood boil, and interestingly enough, gather around his… knuckles.   
  
Like it was a feverish dream, Jaehyun took the steps needed to close the distance between the two before hitting the future head of his parents company as hard as he could between his brows. He both heard and felt the nasal bones crack under his fist, and like it wasn’t enough, he hit him brutally in his jaw with his left fist. He turned around before even seeing Ho-Sub falling down to his knees, bleeding hot blood from both nose and mouth. His white shirt was drenched crimson, and Jaehyun hoped the blood would ruin his handmaid Italian shoes as well. Actually, he hoped he would bleed to death on the spot!   
  
Swearing under his breath, Jaehyun picked up his car keys from his pocket and walked up to his car. He felt more alive and free than ever, like some invisible shackles around his chest had been broken. Even the burning pain on his knuckles felt kind of thrilling. Jaehyun couldn't remember when, or if, he had ever hit someone this hard.   
  
As the engines turned on with a satisfying roar Jaehyun decided not to care the slightest over the fact that Ho-Sub’s car was partly blocking the way out – he simply reversed as violently as he could, hitting his former car hard enough to make the hood crinkle like it was made of paper. _Whatever, not my car anymore._  
  
“FUCK YOU!” Jaehyun spitted against his closed window as he left his parents yard.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas :) Check out my fic "Aurora Borealis" that I wrote for JYFICFEST. Thanks to them for organizing such a fun event!
> 
> //Short chapter again to update a bit faster. Sorry.

The realization of what he had just done struck him as he stopped by the first red light. He had never been violent by nature. _Never;_ not even in middle school where getting beaten up every once in a while almost was considered cool. Someone polished, honorable and educated like Jaehyun should stand above the need to use one’s fists against others. What would his parents think of this? He didn’t care about Ho-Sub the least; the bitch had it coming considering how he had abused Jaehyun earlier as well, but his parents would be devastated to find their company heir beaten up outside their porch. His parents would probably not let Ho-Sub go to the police with the issue since it could severely damage their “family business” profile, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t scold Jaehyun to the moon and back for his deed.   
  
But in the end, Taeyong was more important. Taeyong was the only one he cared about at this point – so he silently pushed away the thought of his parents disappointed faces to some darker corner of his mind.   
  
“Taeyong?” He asked breathlessly as soon as he stepped inside his own apartment. As no answer was to be heard, he bent forward against his knees to catch his breath after having hurried back home as fast as he could. The apartment was dead silent – and definitely lacking Taeyong’s dirty old sneakers that he had left by the entrance before.   
  
Some minutes later he found a note on the kitchen table next to his own, original note from earlier.   
  
_“I’ll go home for a while to kill some virtual teenagers on our miniscule TV. I just need a slight break to let off some steam. You can come get me in a few days, not before. Have fun at the party tonight – TY”_  
  
The message was oddly neutral. Sensible, actually. Way more mature than the way Jaehyun acted just some half an hour earlier.   
  
Jaehyun stared at the note for a far too long moment. The more he stared, the sillier he felt – ridiculous like the spoiled brat he probably still was within.   
  
His phone kept vibrating eagerly in his pocket. He knew it was his mother calling.   
  
Ignoring the phone, he eventually threw himself down onto the sofa, rubbing his eyes and groaning with frustration. _Love…_ if it’s this hard every single time, is it even worth it?   
  
_Maybe I should dedicate my life to research or something…_ He thought as he glanced at the perfect pile of medical magazines and recent scientific publications that he hadn’t touched a single time after picking them up from his mailbox and stacking them on top of his “to read tomorrow” pile. I bet getting the Nobel prize in medicine is easier than figuring out the way to live my picture-perfect life…   
  
“Fuck!” he suddenly shouted and threw the still annoyingly vibrating phone against the pile, managing to push at least five magazines down to the floor.   
  
Jaehyun decided nap for the rest of the afternoon before getting dressed and heading out with Johnny to get shitfaced.   
  
  
  
  
  
”You beat up your ex??” Johnny exclaimed, almost choking on his beer. They were chilling in the kitchen of some random dude’s flat (Jaehyun wasn’t bothered to remember the Thai-boy’s name). It was a fairly chic apartment with nice décor and tasteful art (Jaehyun could instantly tell the owner of the place was either gay or dating an interior designer), though the cheesy lounge music pulsating from the sound system made it all feel somewhat tacky in the end. Johnny had managed to grab with him a few friends from the university as well, meaning that Jaehyun wouldn’t have needed to drag his ass here just for the sake of accompanying Johnny. He sipped on his drink and sighed internally.   
  
“My one and only brain cell thought it was a good idea at that moment…” Jaehyun groaned.   
  
“Oh man, what if he sues you or something for assault?”   
  
“Why would he? He’s been a violent, manipulating bitch himself against me multiple times”   
  
“Well is there any proof or that, other than your words against his?” Johnny pointed out.   
Jaehyun shrugged and downed the drink.   
  
“He won’t. If this comes out public it’ll hurt the company. I probably won’t get Christmas presents from my parents this year but I think I’ll survive that misery”  
  
“Jae, are you alright?” Johnny asked, pushing his bangs out of his face.   
  
“Splendid” Jaehyun said indifferently.    
  
Johnny looked at him with a for once quite so serious expression. A hint of worry was expressed between his brows, but as he knew it wasn’t his business, he decided to let Jaehyun off the hook.   
  
“What do you think of him?” He instead asked, changing the topic of discussion.   
  
“Huh? Who?” Jaehyun said, lifting his gaze to try to see who Johnny might be referring to.   
  
“Ten”  
  
“Who’s Ten?”   
  
Johnny sighed and slapped him playfully on the shoulder.   
  
”Gosh, you’re really off today! The guy who lives in this place of course!”   
  
Jaehyun recalled having heard the Thai-guy state his name when they met. Ten. What a funny name, isn’t it?   
  
”He has good taste” Jaehyun said, referring to the fashionable apartment. “But he’s sort of annoyingly loud”   
  
“Loud?” Johnny said with a laughter.   
  
”Yeah. Like you”  
  
Johnny laughed and shook his head, almost looking somewhat embarrassed – something Jaehyun wasn’t used to see in his usually thick faced friend.   
  
Jaehyun picked up his phone to check if he had gotten any messages. He hadn’t. Not like he was waiting for any either – he hadn’t spoken or texted Taeyong since their phone call earlier this day. He had blocked Ho-Sub’s number by now to avoid even seeing his stupid name pop up on his screen.   
  
”Where’s your boyfriend?” Johnny asked, nodding at the empty screen of Jaehyun’s phone.  
  
“Don’t know, at his place I guess”  
  
“You guess?” Johnny said with a tease.   
  
Jaehyun bit his lip as not to say something mean to his well-meaning but oblivious friend.  
  
  
  
  
Two hours went by surprisingly fast. Jaehyun ended up chatting with a girl who worked as a nurse at the hospital with Johnny. It was nice talking to someone who didn’t know anything about him or had any prejudices about how a rich kid doctor should be and act. More and more people had emerged at the party, and eventually Jaehyun found himself in need of some air. The balcony was surprisingly roomy, only occupied by two fairly drunk guys smoking. They didn’t acknowledge Jaehyun the slightest, which suited him exceptionally fine right now.   
  
He leaned against the railing and looked down at the empty street beneath them. A sort of melancholy took over him, probably induced by the mix of alcohol and peaceful loneliness out on the balcony.   
  


His loneliness was interrupted by a boy his age joining his side at the railing.    
Some pathetic part of Jaehyun hoped to see Taeyong stand next to him, but of course it wasn’t - but a fairly handsome youngster with blonde hair that he didn’t know from before.    
  
“You okay there, buddy? You look so gloomy I was afraid you’re gonna jump or something” The redhead asked.    
  
“W-what? No, no of course not. I’m okay” Jaehyun quickly answered.    
  
“Alright!” The blonde smiled widely. “I’m Minhyuk, by the way”   
  
“Nice to meet you, my name is Jaehyun” the other answered politely.    
  
“Are you not having fun?”   
  
“Yeah, yeah I am, I’m just… going through something, I needed a breather”    
  
“Are you one of Ten’s friends?”   
  
“Eh, no, I only know Johnny Seo here”   
  
“Okay, I was afraid the _“something”_ you’re going through was somehow related to the general chaos of being friends with Ten, hahah” Minhyuk laughed healthily at his own joke of sort. “I’m joking though, Ten’s cool at times”   
  
Jaehyun gave him a strained smile before diverting his gaze back to the street. He didn't know Ten and couldn't relate to this person's shenanigans.    
Minhyuk wouldn’t let him stop socializing, though.    
  
“What happened? Did your girlfriend dump you?”  
  
“No, my boyfriend- … or, well, it’s complicated”    
  
Minhyuk’s eyes widened in realization. Jaehyun though he almost looked like a cartoon character in the way he exaggerated things.    
  
“Oooooooh, I see.” He threw an arm over Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Good thing I happen to be an expert on whiny bitches. Let’s go back inside and get some drinks and talk about how much better life was when being single”    
  
_ Except I haven’t been properly single for ages, _ Jaehyun mused, but still followed the bubbly boy back inside.  
  
  
  
  
Little did he know that less than an hour later another guest entered the apartment. The apartment was already overcrowded by people so it didn’t really matter if you knew Ten, Ten’s friend or Ten’s friend’s friend to get invited inside.    
  
Completely sober and somewhat awkward, Taeyong took off his worn old sneakers and walked inside the loud apartment. He earned a few admiring glances from both men and women, and even had to refuse a drink offer from a edgy girl who instantly glued herself to his side as soon as he laid her eyes on him. Taeyong didn’t care. He was only here to look for Jaehyun. It hadn’t even been 18 hours but he really needed to see him.   
  
  
Indeed, deeper inside the living room he spotted his handsome boyfriend, wearing tight jeans and a black t-shirt, talking enthusiastically to some lively blond haired guy leaning on Jaehyun’s shoulder.  His stomach clenched a little,  making his step falter, and he was about to turn around and leave as not to disturb Jaehyun chatting happily with that stranger.    
  
“Taeyong!”    
  
Jaehyun couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw that familiar face among the crowd of strangers. His pretty boyfriend kept his gaze down, looking extremely uncomfortable, while some girl was standing next to him trying to make sense of what was happening. Jaehyun put his drink down onto the nearest table and left Minhyuk's side without saying a word.    
  


“Hyung, wait-”    
  
Jaehyun grabbed Taeyong by the shoulder and turned him back around to face him. He looked tired, poor thing. He was dressed in all black this time, making him look kind of gloomy with the way his hair was slightly messy as well. Taeyong stared at him with his gigantic doll eyes.    
  
“Baby, why did you come here?” Jaehyun cupped his cheek with one hand and brushed a strand of hair away from his temple with the other.    
  
“I … “ Someone pushed him slightly so that he almost lost his balance. He grabbed hold of Jaehyun’s wrist instead. “I came to say that I love you too”   
  
It was such a weird moment.    
Here they were, in the living room of some random dude’s, surrounded by drunk strangers and loud, cheesy music. Jaehyun could feel the alcohol on his breath, and the eyes of his newfound friend staring holes into his back. It all was so far away from romantic as it ever could be, but it didn’t matter since he was holding the most precious gem in the world in his hands. He could be proposing to him right now and it would still be the greatest love story of the modern days.    
  
Taeyong’s eyes glistened from expectation and pure hope.  
  
Jaehyun leaned in to speak closer to Taeyong’s ear. “Taeyongie-hyung, I love you as well. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you believe me because the truth is all I can say as I look into your eyes”  He whispered. He pulled back a little and said it once more time but louder. “I love you, my faithed”   
  
Neither of them did know what happened outside their small bubble. The party continued on, someone puked on the sofa behind them, Jaehyun had beer stains on his jeans, Johnny was kissing some random girl while glancing in the direction of Ten who in his case was disgusted by how someone had put pieces of fruit in the punch bowl.    
  
Taeyong’s parted his lips and sealed them together with Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun instantly pulled him closer by his waist while his other hand ran through Taeyong’s hair at the back of his neck.   
  


Like they were just any other drunken couple they made out in the middle of the living room. Taeyong’s whimpers were drowned in the loud music which enabled Jaehyun to deepen the kiss as much as he wanted. No-one here cared about them here anyway, right?   
  


The alcohol in his blood made him bolder, and Jaehyun pushed his smaller boyfriend against the nearest free wall. He couldn’t really care less about anyone watching as he put his hands under Taeyong’s shirt and nibbled on his white throat. With his knee he parted Taeyong’s legs and pushed his own leg between the older’s.    
  
“Jae-...fuck, Jae, calm down a bit..” Taeyong breathed through his moans, grasping Jaehyun’s shirt at his back. Jaehyun silenced him by going back to kissing his mouth, battling his tongue in a way that was anything but romantic. The older gave in and let him kiss him hard for a while against the wall. Jaehyun’s leg kneaded against Taeyong’s heated crotch in a delicious way, sending shivers down the older’s spine. He couldn’t relax in this setting, though. In the corner of his eye he saw a couple of women watching them with interest. 

Taeyong wriggled himself free of Jaehyun’s hold and grabbed his arm. “Hey, not here, okay? I’m a bit too sober for doing this in a room full of strangers”   
  
Jaehyun embraced him and breathed in his hair. “Let’s go”.   
  
Taeyong pecked him on the cheek, inhaling the familiar scent of cologne. “Home?”    
  
_ Home. _ T he way Taeyong said that word made Jaehyun feel butterflies in his stomach despite them (too) being numbed by the alcohol. He did talk about Jaehyun’s home, right? About them two,  _ going home  _ \- to sleep together and wake up together forever and ever? Oh, how delighted he was to find this dispute of theirs ending quickly.    
  
“Soon” Jaehyun said and pulled Taeyong by his hand towards the balcony. He opened the door and saw the two same guys from before outside, now significantly more wasted.    
  
“Leave, please” Jaehyun told them, and before their drunk brain’s had even realized what was being asked Jaehyun had grabbed their shoulders and pushed them back in. “Go grab another beer or something” he mumbled before closing the door behind them. It was a bit cold outside, to be fair, so Taeyong hoped they wouldn’t stay too long.    
Since the door couldn’t be locked from the outside, he moved the heavy outdoor table to block the door. It wasn’t probably that effective but hopefully the people inside would get the message and not force themselves out.    
  
Then he turned back to Taeyong and pushed him up against the cold window. Without saying anything more than that, he clashed their lips together and started fiddling with Taeyong’s belt buckle. Taeyong tried to say something but Jaehyun swallowed his words as well as his moans that soon formed as the younger pushed his hand down his boxers. The air was cold but Jaehyun’s palm was warm and safe, massaging his hot skin until he started to harden up.    
  
Eventually Jaehyun dropped down to his knees and pulled the older out from his undone jeans and boxers. Taeyong took a deep breath and focused his gaze somewhere into the distance. The street below them was quiet, and in the building across them only a few windows were lightened up. Jaehyun had no idea of what time it was, but Taeyong knew it was around 3 a.m. He had been playing videogames with his roommate for 8 consecutive hours, numbing his troubled mind with the sound of gunfire and digital blood. But when his roommate finally went to the shower, leaving Taeyong sitting alone in the dark in front of their tv, he realized this wasn’t at all the place where he wanted to be.    
  
Maybe being alone wasn’t always the answer. As long as Jaehyun understood what he’s going through, he would be able to relax and be honest around him. Maybe it’d feel better to talk about his hallucinations and anxieties instead of just pretending to be okay. Maybe that voice would go away when it realized that Taeyong no longer was alone when facing it. Maybe it’d be easier to cope with Jaehyun by his side.   
  
The cool air against Jaehyun’s incredibly hot and wet mouth was enough to make Taeyong forget time and space, and he let his head fall back against the window hard enough to make the clang sound inside as well. 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

  
Having said bye to a drunken Johnny making jello-shots with the host of the party (Ten, Jaehyun remembered his name now), the couple left the noisy apartment and took a taxi back to Jaehyun’s posh apartment. Once having arrived, Taeyong fell immediately asleep in Jaehyun’s arms and slept very soundly the entire night thanks to the soothing snores of his younger boyfriend. Only once did he woke up to the voice in the back of his head telling him how he was weak and pitiful for not being able to sleep alone for even one night, but the voice was quickly silenced down by a reassuring squeeze from Jaehyun who had his arm wrapped around Taeyong’s waist. 

 

After having woken up they immediately made love, though Jaehyun complained about a splitting headache after having orgasmed.    
  
“All the vessels in my brain are dilated as fuuuuck” Jaehyun groaned while squeezing his eyes shut.    
  
Taeyong was lying on top of him, caressing his chest and following the trail of feeble body hair on his torso. He wasn’t sure what Jaehyun meant with that, but he hummed quietly in response.    
  
The younger continued on. “You know how hangovers are caused by dehydration and withdrawal symptoms from excessive alcohol consumption?”   
  
“Well, yes?”   
  
Jaehyun didn’t continue as he pulled the sheets up over his head in an attempt to block out the light. Taeyong braced himself on his elbows as he watched his struggling boyfriend.    
  


“You want me to get you some water and some painkillers?” he continued.   
  
“Ugh…. yes please, darling…. “  
  
Taeyong jumped up from the bed, still completely naked, and walked to the kitchen. The sticky wetness between his cheeks wasn’t comfortable at all, but he decided to treat his sick boyfriend first before cleaning himself up from the mess said boyfriend had made.   
  
He filled a large glass with tap water and proceeded to search for some drugs in Jaehyun’s medical cabinet. Jaehyun had a shitload of drugs. Most of them had never been touched - apparently these were stuff he had gotten from pharmacological companies trying to win him over to use their products (aka big pharma).   
  
Taeyong was a pharmacological student after all, so he knew exactly what everything was for.  
  
“Oxycodone… You have around one hundred tablets of Oxycodone here?”   
  
Jaehyun groaned from the bedroom.   
“Yes but I’ve never used them… “   
  
“Why do you have one hundred tablets of Oxycodone??”  
  
“I don’t know, to sell on the street if I ever lose my job…” Jaehyun joked.   
  
Taeyong sighed and put the pills away.   
“Diazepam…?”   
  
“Yes, yes, I could actually use that right now, give me one” Jaehyun shouted. Taeyong huffed, not knowing why Jaehyun wanted Valium after just having woken up.  Jaehyun sensed Taeyong’s hesitation. “It’s for alcohol withdrawal symptoms…!”  
  
“You didn’t even drink that much…. Hey, you have herpes?”   
  
“What?”  
  
“You have a lot of Acyclovir here”  
  
“It’s for mouth ulcers!!!! Herpes simplex one! About half the population carries a herpesvirus anyway. I promise I won’t kiss you when I’m having active ulcers” Jaehyun wailed. “Please can you stop looking at my stuff…   
  
“Tsss” Taeyong mused, and picked out a few different pills to make a nice hangover-curing cocktail. Then he walked back to the bedroom. Jaehyun couldn’t help but admire his lean boyish body as he emerged in front of the bed. A few purple marks on his neck, chest and inner thighs ruined the otherwise smooth and pristine skin, almost to the extent that Jaehyun regretted having made them. He wished the other could put some clothes on, or at least underwear, because Jaehyun knew his head couldn’t take being horny again.   
  


“There’s paracetamol, ibuprofen, half a diazepam, esomeprazole and metoclopramide in case you feel nauseous”    
  


“Uhhhh wow, I probably shouldn’t take paracetamol since my liver is battling the alcohol, but then again, what if my kidneys too are damaged from this dehydration?” Jaehyun wailed.    
  
“Come on, don’t be a drama queen, skip the paracetamol and just take the ibuprofen” Taeyong said and rolled his eyes.    
  
Jaehyun downed the pills with a glass of water before crawling back under the blankets, hiding his head under the pillow. 

 

Taeyong felt fairly refreshed compared to his hangover boyfriend so he decided to get up and cook some proper breakfast for them. He put his clothes from yesterday on and ran quietly to the corner store to buy some ingredients. 

 

When he came back, he noticed some mail hanging from the mail slot of the door. They’d probably arrived earlier during the week but Jaehyun hadn’t noticed them being stuck to the slot. He picked them up and put them onto the dinner table. Taeyong took the liberty to scroll through a fresh medical magazine that also arrived by mail. Jaehyun wouldn’t mind him reading them, right? 

 

An hour  **later** the apartment was filled with the fantastic aroma of warm toast, served with bacon and eggs and fresh fruit the continental way. Taeyong poured some skimmed milk into an enormous black coffee mug and went back to the bedroom to see if Jaehyun still was alive and kicking.    
  
“Hyunnie” He whispered.    
  
Jaehyun snorted and hugged his blanket harder.    
  
“Hyunnieee”    
  
No reaction.    
  
Taeyong put the mug with coffee on the nightstand and charged at Jaehyun by jumping right on top of him.    
“W-what the fuuuu-...” Jaehyun groaned and almost hit Taeyong in the face by accident. Taeyong quickly grabbed hold of his wrists and pinned them down against the bed, laughing hysterically by how befuddled his boyfriend looked. It wasn’t even that hard to keep him down considering how drowsy poor Jaehyun seemed to be.    
  
“Are you feeling better Hyunnie? It is such a beautiful weather today, Hyunnie” Taeyong teased with an annoyingly positive tone.    
  
Jaehyun scrunched his nose and tried to wriggle himself free to no avail. Taeyong smiled and kissed him on the mouth.     
  
“Jaehyun are you weak or something?” He breathed against his lips.    
  
The younger turned his face away. “Uhhh my breath smells awful…. “   
  
“Jaehyun, answer me”    
  
“I-I’m okay, just tired”   
  
“Well no surprise, since you took diazepam, you idiot”    
  
“I know I know” Jaehyun closed his eyes again, looking all cozy beneath Taeyong’s fiery gaze.    
  
“You wanna have breakfast?”    
  
“Mhm…. too tired”   
  
“Drink the coffee”   
  
“Nah just let me sleep a little more…” Jaehyun turned around and nuzzled his face against the cool side of the pillow.    
  
Taeyong leaned to the night table to dip his fingers into the still somewhat warm coffee - the amount of milk in it had cooled it down effectively.  Without any hesitation he quickly turned back to Jaehyun and rubbed his wet bitter fingers against the younger’s front teeth.    
  
“DRINK THE COFFEE” He laughed.    
  
  


 

They managed to have breakfast in bed (Taeyong would need to make sure that the sheets were changed before sleeping in that bed again - even the idea of sleeping on crumbs made him shiver) before Jaehyun had to lie himself down again. He couldn’t physically sleep any longer but his limbs simply felt too enervated to carry his weight just yet. Taeyong sat cross legged next to Jaehyun on the bed as he kept browsing in Jaehyun’s medical journals - He was only two articles in as found himself being violently sucked into the captivating scene of cutting-edge medical science.    
  
“I swear you’ve read more of those today than what I’ve done for the past 6 months” Jaehyun mumbled without the slightest hint of sarcasm. It was a sad but true fact, unfortunately.     
  
“But how? These are really fascinating!” Taeyong said and flipped back to the article he had been reading earlier. “I didn’t know they’re putting a nasal fast-acting antidepressant out onto the market”   
  
“Ketamine?”   
  
“Yes, yes, Esketamine. I thought it was only used for anesthesia. Man, how will the traditional slow-working antidepressants ever be able compete against this new drug?”   
  
Jaehyun thought for a while and ran his hand through his thick locks. “Risk of abuse? I mean, Ketamine is strong enough to tranquilize a horse…”   
  
“Hmm, true” Taeyong mused and rubbed his chin. “But it’s still going to be revolutionary if it works”   
  
Jaehyun hummed in response and looked shamefully at the older reading his professional magazines with more interest than what he ever had himself.    
  
“Speaking of which… How are  _ you  _ feeling?” he asked timidly.    
  
Without lifting his gaze from the magazine, Taeyong mumbled back haltingly;  “I’m okay, at the moment… It.. It really oscillates though, from day to day. Today is a good day, I think”.    
  
Jaehyun nodded and let the consoling silence fall between them.    
  
“I’m thinking of going back to therapy” the older continued after a while. Last night he had replayed their conversation in his head a lot. Yes, he was blatantly aware of the fact that he’d gotten worse again - there’s no denying about that. But it wasn’t like Taeyong hadn’t experienced this before - he had been riding up and down the rollercoaster of his disease all since he was a prepubertal teen. He could handle it, he knew it. But whatever he thought about the issue himself, it worried him to see how his mental lability bothered Jaehyun. So he had decided to give medicine and psychology  another chance to ironically help  _ Jaehyun,  _ not himself, feel more at ease. Since Taeyong wasn’t allowed to dance for a few more weeks he might as well occupy himself with filling forms and taking tests at the psychiatric clinic.    
  
“That’s great, honey” Jaehyun said with a slight smile on his lips. He looked relieved.    
  
  
  
“Your phone is buzzing” Taeyong said a while later.    
  
“Huh? Yeah it’s my mom, let it buzz” Jaehyun said, mindlessly stroking Taeyong’s thigh with his toes. The act was cute enough for Taeyong to tolerate it.    
  
Taeyong lowered the magazine he had been reading. “Why don’t you answer?”   
  
“Uh she’s obviously furious with me”    
  
“Why?”   
  
Jaehyun blinked twice. _ Oh, right.  _   
Taeyong didn’t know about what happened at his parents house. He didn’t know that Ho-Sub took some sweet, well-deserved but completely unnecessary beating.    
  
Was it something he should tell him about? It wasn’t like Jaehyun was in any way proud of his sudden surge of violence - and furthermore, it was a immensely childish thing to do - something that Taeyong, mature as he was, probably wouldn’t appreciate at all.    
  
“It consers Ho-Sub. I was mad at him yesterday. Obviously my parents aren’t happy with me if I ain’t nice towards their dearest ceo-to-be. They should just adopt him already and kick me out for good” Jaehyun said bitterly.    
  
Taeyong huffed. “Listen to yourself. You’re a child still. Furthermore,  _ their  _ child. I’m sure you’ll  always be more loved than that obnoxious ex of yours.”    
  


“You don’t know my parents, what makes you think they’ll forgive me? It’s not like you’re on good terms with your parents either” Jaehyun sneered.    
  
“Ouch”.    
  
“...”   
  


“Gosh, I’m sorry…” Jaehyun said upon realization, facepalming into both hands and feeling his ears heat up from embarrassment. He should have remembered that Taeyong’s parents certainly were a sore spot for him.    
  
Taeyong shrugged and put the magazine away. He didn’t look too bothered.    
“Nah, it’s okay. We don’t need our parents anymore”    
  
Jaehyun wasn’t so sure about that. He loves his parents. He was their only son after all, which meant they’d showered him with love for his entire life. He owed them his education as well as his fortune; probably also his career in some way. Jaehyun knew he did a bad thing yesterday, but he’s… he is so fed up with that horrible ex of his, especially since his parents seem to value his opinions and values more than their own son’s.  Jaehyun’s not that naive to believe it’s intentional, but … it’s aggravating, considering how wonderful their family dynamics were when Jaehyun still dated that jackass.    
  
Taeyong snatched Jaehyun’s attention back with a cheeky smile. “You wanna hear a secret?”   
  
Jaehyun propped himself up onto his elbows and put his head onto the side. “Well?”    
  
Taeyong laughed slightly in that telltale way of almost choking on air.    
  
“When I was a kid, I dreamt of having a grand wedding. My bride would have this huge Disney princess-esque ballgown and the cake would be almost 2 meters tall and colored in the most vibrant colours of pink. Then it would be decorated with small dinosaurs, fire trucks, frogs, legos…. And after the wedding I’d go play with the toys that eventually turned alive so that I would became the mayor of my tiny cake city”   
  
Jaehyun smiled widely so his dimples popped for the first time that day.    
  
“What would your bride do after the wedding?”    
  
“Oh? Oh I don’t know, at that age I didn’t know what brides were for”   
  
The younger laughed heartily, cheeks turning that dainty shade of pink that makes Taeyong’s heart skip a beat.    
  
“But I guess I still don’t know” Taeyong continued.    
  
“Nah, evidently not” Jaehyun chuckled.    
  
“Anyways, I got to think about this when speaking of parents. Because in that wedding fantasy of mine, I always imagined my parents being so, so proud. My mom was going to be beautiful in her sea blue dress and my Dad would be nodding in approval as I walked the aisle wearing my father’s special watch. Or was it his special tie? I can’t remember”    
  
Taeyong held a pause, and stared at the wall in front of him. The wall was decorated with a retro german poster with images from Netter’s anatomy book. Jaehyun had been afraid it could be seen as a bit too hipster. ( _ Were hipsters still a thing? At least they used to be when I was at University… gosh, I’m old, right?) _ _   
_   
“When I eventually came out to my parents as… as a gay man… One of the first things I realized was that I would never be able to walk down the aisle with my parents proudly watching next to me”    
  
Jaehyun could sense a bit more than just a hint of melancholy in Taeyong’s voice.    
  
“I never saw you as the type of person thinking about marriage and such, to be honest” Jaehyun said quietly. In contrary to Jaehyun’s romantic escape of domestic bliss and fairytales, Taeyong didn’t seem too bothered with sentimental traditions and heart shaped dreams. The older seemed more like to be a realist, too afraid of his own inner freakshow to voluntarily spend too much time on fantasies. “I mean, you are a highly ambitious and emotional person, but I still kinda thought _ those worldly things  _ didn’t play too much of a role in your life”   
  
“Hmm. Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve always thought that love is the greatest thing we can ever experience. But after giving up the thought of marriage I kind of learn that love doesn’t depend the slightest on that old, dusty concept”

  
Jaehyun hesitated a while before replying. “But, in theory… like, if someone proposed to you, let’s not say it’d be me even though I don’t wish to see you with anyone else than myself, ever -  if they proposed to you, would you agree on marrying this person or would it completely ruin your childhood image of a perfect wedding?”   
  
“Haha, what are you implying?” Taeyong chuckled and put his head to the side.    
  
“I’m not gonna propose to you, just chill!” Jaehyun panicked and shook his head.    
  
“Pity”    
  
Jaehyun groaned and hid his head under a pillow. “Hyung, stop. I’m still sick. I’m barely breathing” A muffled voice sounded.   
  
“Oh you’re barely breathing??” Taeyong pouted. “I almost died from not breathing”   
  
“You haven’t experienced my hangovers, it cannot compare! You got some sweet anesthetics and 100% oxygen and pretty nurses taking care of you, but what do I get?” Taeyong climbed on top of Jaehyun who was still hiding beneath his pillow. “...lame ibuprofen…and ..” Jaehyun grunted while Taeyong pinned his hands down and pulled the pillow away from his face.    
  
Jaehyun scrunched his eyes dramatically when daylight illuminated his face again. Unlike to his usual princelike appearance his hair was now in a proper disarray, standing up at the back of his head, fringe parted in an awkward way between his brows. The older leaned down and let his lips brush lightly over Jaehyun’s lips until the younger calmed down. Jaehyun didn’t feel too fresh considering how he hadn’t even brushed his teeth yet after being both dehydrated from drinking and having sweaty sex, so he turned his face away from Taeyong to kiss his cheek instead.   


“Release my hands” Jaehyun whined.   
  
Taeyong shook his head and tightened his grip on Jaehyun’s wrist, while turning back to kiss his lips again, this time with more intention.   
  
The younger sighed against the sloppy kiss before turning them completely around, while easily pulling his wrist from Taeyong’s hold. Taeyong let out a slight squeak when his back bumped against the bed quite forcefully.   
  
Jaehyun lowered himself on top of him and pinned him down with his weight.   
“You make it too easy” He murmured sultrily in the older’s ear, before letting his hands wander down the thinner frame to settle down on Taeyong’s bony hips. Taeyong’s skin felt cool and soothing to Jaehyun’s burning fingertips. Jaehyun looked down on the other. His black hair was starting to get long again, curling slightly at the back of his neck. His face was a little greasy from not being washed yet, but it emitted a healthy, radiant glow, something that hadn’t been visible before Taeyong was taken to the hospital. Jaehyun felt the urge to kiss his beautiful scar next to his right eye, in an futile attempt to make the bad in his mind go away. He realized he never asked him from where he’d gotten the scar - now wasn’t the time to ask, either.   
  
Taeyong wriggled beneath him when his boyfriend began to peck his cheek and jaw.   
  
“You need to shave!!! Aahh it tickles!!” Taeyong screamed, unfortunately in vain.   
  


Jaehyun smiled against his skin and unintentionally pressed his fingers into Taeyong’s hips harder.    
  
“I love you” he whispered, before continuing to kiss the squirming man.    
  
  
  
  
It was already afternoon when they finished the breakfast Taeyong had prepared for them earlier. Jaehyun was seated at the dinner table drinking freshly brewed coffee and reading the sunday paper mindlessly. He skipped all the bad news and skimmed through the serious stuff in a futile attempt to create the illusion of living in a perfect world.   
  
While messing around in the bed they had accidentally managed to spill the coffee on the nightstand over Taeyong’s trousers. In the end he just changed to one of Jaehyun’s hoodies and decided to walk around the apartment in just underwear and socks for the rest of the day. Said man, now embellishing Jaehyun’s view with pale knees and thin thighs, was now filling up the dishwasher while humming on some unrecognizable tune.    
  
Jaehyun couldn’t help but glance at his naked skin when he bent over to fill the machine, wondering if the other would be mad or not if he walked up and rammed into him from behind without any warnings. The tip of his ears were already flaming just by the thought of it. Yes, he would probably be mad.    
  


Taeyong sighed when he straightened his back again, massaging his lower back.    
“Ugh, I get so sore from not moving around… How long until I can get back to dancing, doctor Jung?”    
  
Jaehyun blinked a few times trying to remember what Taeyong had asked - he was still too deep in his own fantasies. “Uhm...  weren’t you supposed to rest for like one month? So still a few weeks, right?”    
  
The older fake-sobbed as he turned the dishwasher on. Then he walked back up to Jaehyun, hips swaying the slightest under the hoodie. Jaehyun hummed as the older approached him, eyes wandering down to where the hem of the hoodie ended. When he was close enough he grabbed his waist and pulled him down to sit on his lap.    
  
“But I’m gonna be so stiff and bored from just lying in the bed”    
  
“Who said you’re just gonna lie in bed?”    
  
Taeyong smiled and bent down to kiss him on the lips, hands wrapped around his neck.    
  


It all just felt so right. Just them two - each other’s equals, forming a seamless yin and yang. Jaehyun was so grateful for this day - Taeyong hadn’t spaced out or showed any signs of hidden anguish. Clearing the air had really been a blessing for both of them - as long as Ho-Sub stopped bothering them, there was nothing that could hinder them from thriving together. Heck, Jaehyun should have just proposed to him when they were talking about it - he was certain that the stars were aligned in their favor, and then he didn’t even believe in astrology. 

 

But then again, life was never meant to be easy, not even for the most fortunate of people. 

 

“Did you see that you got mail from the hospital?” Taeyong said, looking at the small pile of mail he picked up from the entrance earlier today.    
  
Jaehyun was sucking a dark mark on his neck, hands massaging his lower back and waist. He hummed quietly before continuing to taste the older’s milky skin. The hot wetness of Jaehyun’s mouth and tongue felt amazing, but Taeyong was too curious to let Jaehyun get away with it this easy.    
  
“Hyunnie, what if it concerns me or something?”    
  
Jaehyun sighed and let go of Taeyong’s neck with a small smack.    
  
“Why would it concern you? Wouldn’t you get the mail concerning you?” Jaehyun said and turned around to pick up the envelope that Taeyong was looking at. The older was still sitting on Jaehyun’s lap, trying to take a sneak peak on the letter. For some reason he had an ominous feeling about it.    
  


Jaehyun took the letter out of the envelope and read it through, and just as Taeyong suspected, Jaehyun’s face got paler and paler the more he read.    
  
“What… what is it?” Taeyong said quietly.    
  
Without saying anything, Jaehyun got up from the chair, almost dropping Taeyong to the floor.    
He started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, hand clutching the already wrinkled paper.    
The older hid his palms in the hoodie and crossed his arms, suddenly feeling very small and powerless.    
  
“Hyunnie, what is it?”    
  
Jaehyun stopped in his pacing and let his shoulders drop down, sighing heavily.    
He didn’t look necessarily sad - his brows twitched in a way indicating he was frustrated; angry, even.    
  


“I lost my spot at the clinic of internal medicine”    
  
_ Ah. _ Not as bad as Taeyong feared it could be. But still; bad.    
  
“O-oh, so… so you got fired?”    
  
“I can’t get fired without even having started working, can I? But basically, yeah” Jaehyun sneered.    
  


“W-Why?” Taeyong asked, though he knew why.    
  
“Because, they somehow figured out that I have had and might still have a sexual relationship with a patient at my current and future workplace”    
  
“Oh….”   
  
Taeyong walked to the couch at sat down, trying to make himself fade away. After all, the letter concerned him very much.    
  
Jaehyun threw the letter and the envelope onto the dinner table and swore for himself. It was like a black cloud was hanging over his usually carefree expression, making him look a whole lot older than what he really was.    
  
“Oh fucking hell, I already told my current boss I’ll be resigning…” He groaned, rubbing both of his eyes, possibly to conceal any forming tears.    
  


“You can get another job, right?”   
  
“Not if I wanna specialize in this hospital”    
  
“Then another hospital?”   
  
“Then I need to move to another city with a university-level hospital”    
  
“Work at a private clinic or something?”    
  
“Mhm but do you think I want to prescribe useless cold medicines for the rest of my life? Fuck, I need to specialize, I’m not gonna stay a nobody familydoctor for the rest of my life! Shit!” Jaehyun swore and kicked the wall hard enough to make himself yelp from pain. If the situation hadn’t been this serious Taeyong would surely have snickered by seeing how pathetic Jaehyun looked when jumping on one foot and holding on to his big toe with both hands.    


“Well… it’s not a surprise, is it? You knew there was a risk of this coming out” Taeyong said calmly, hoping that Jaehyun wouldn’t take him wrong.    
  
For a split second Jaehyun looked like he was gonna explode, but he bit his tongue hard as he realized his boyfriend was very much right.    
  
After many seconds of silent contemplation he opened his mouth again.    
  
“Yeah, I knew this might happen. And I decided to take the risk”    
  
The younger stared emptily at Taeyong’s crossed legs on his sofa. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly through his nose and mouth for five times before visibly calming down a little.    
Taeyong let out a breath he didn’t knew he was holding.    
  
“I am here, okay. I’m here for you, Jaehyunnie” he said quietly.    
  
“Thank God for that” the younger muttered sadly. 

 

Jaehyun knew that Taeyong was obviously right as usual. Jaehyun had had it coming; especially considering his idiotic trick of fooling his way to the intensive care unit when Taeyong was being monitored there.    
  
And with his degree it wouldn’t be  too hard to get a new job - just excessively annoying, considering how lucky he had been for getting accepted into the clinic of internal medicine on first try. Now he would have to move to another city if he wanted to specialize in internal medicine or pediatrics. Which, again, maybe wasn’t an entirely ludicrous idea as long as Taeyong agreed to  move with him - something that probably wasn’t an option based on how important his local dance crew was for him. Well, as Taeyong had said, he could just start working privately for a while at some fancy clinic Uptown… Treat his parents’ friends in business for gout and tennis elbows … prescribe vaccines for their expensive Safari-trips…  _ Gosh _ , he might as well bore himself to death at home.    
  
Taeyong looked scared where he was sitting curled up on the coach, hugging his knees and staring down at his feet. He probably felt that it was his fault in some way. It was obviously impossible to slander Taeyong for it since he hadn’t been anything else than a mere patient all alone - It was Jaehyun who should have been the one to be professional enough to keep it in his pants. And in all honesty,, Jaehyun couldn’t really regret having done the things he had done either; because by doing them he had won Taeyong’s heart which was the greatest prize any man or woman could ever win. Jaehyun was fortunate if he didn’t lose his license for this blunder, and even in such a case, he wouldn’t have regretted meeting Taeyong. 

  
When the tension grew just a little bit too tedious Jaehyun decided to break the silence. He exhaled calmly and softened his gaze to look at Taeyong who had lost all the colour from his pretty face long ago. He looked even more devastated than what Jaehyun did.     
  
“Baby, don’t worry, it’s just a job. It’s nothing. I’ll sacrifice any job for you. As long as you’re fine and well beside me, I’m okay” Jaehyun said quietly and smiled the best he could.    
  
A small timid smile spread over Taeyong’s lips.    
  
“I know”. But in the back of his head the voice had already started teasing him.  _ You ruined his career… you worthless little shit! You ruined his career hahahah….”  _ _   
_ _   
_ _   
_ _   
_   
Then the doorbell rang.    
  
“Did you order dinner?” Jaehyun asked, but the older shook his head in denial.    
  
Jaehyun wasn’t exactly in the mood for having visitors right now, but since it wasn’t that common for him to have people ring his doorbell on a Sunday night he felt obligated to at least go an see if it was someone important (read: anyone but Ho-Sub).    
  
His blood froze when he saw his mother’s face through the peephole.    
“Fuck” he whispered before opening the door.    
  
Mrs. Jung looked strained and angry, clutching her purse with both hands as to contain herself. She was wearing a posh fur coat and red leather gloves. Taeyong was surprised to see how much her facial features indeed resembled Jaehyun’s.    
  
“Mother” Jaehyun said politely and bowed.    
  
“Why haven’t you answered my calls??”    
  
“You know why”    
  
“Ridiculous child!” Mrs. Jung walked in past Jaehyun and pulled the door closed.    
  
“Poor Ho-Sub is sporting such an ugly bruise on his face so we cannot allow him to go to any of our meetings with our clients before it heals! Do you know how much trouble that caused us?”    
  
“Well, he has caused me trouble ever since I met him. Have I told you how he once hit me on-”   
  
“I don’t care about your past quarrels! You’re the one to blame for throwing away such a great companionship!” Mrs. Jung whined. “I have talked with Ho-Sub about the issue. He was ready to go to the police with it. But we decided that if you give him another chance, maybe try some couples therapy, we could forgive you for your appalling burst of violence. I have booked you an appointment for next week to this therapist close to our-...”   
  
“Mom! I’m not going to spend a single second with that man anymore!” Jaehyun said. “I’m not even sorry I hit him. He’s a psychopath!”    
  
“Jaehyun!”    
  
In such an troublesome situation Taeyong wished he could just seize to exist. He had nowhere to hide on Jaehyun’s couch, and as he guessed, Mrs. Jung would eventually notice him sitting timidly on the couch.    
  


Mrs. Jung’s eyes widened.    
  
“Who is that?”    
  
Taeyong was quick to stand up and bow deeply for Jaehyun’s mother. He was painfully aware of the fact that he wasn’t wearing anything else than socks, underwear and Jaehyun’s oversized hoodie, barely covering his upper thighs.    
  


“That is my boyfriend, Mother”    
  
“Mrs. Jung, my name is Lee Taeyong” Taeyong said, still bowing to the older woman.   
  
“So you DO have an actual boy-... He’s the one to steal you from Ho-Sub?”    
  
“Mother, could you please talk more kindly to him? He’s innocent and a good man, unlike that douchebag you seem to care so much about”    
  
Mrs. Jung stared at Taeyong for a long while, obviously ready to say some vicious comment about Taeyong’s wild hair, pierced ears and sloppy clothing, but she luckily decided to keep her mouth shut. She picked up her purse and turned to the door to leave.    
  
“Mom, I will never go back to Ho-Sub. He’s the one to assault me first. I’ve been stupid not to report it earlier”   
  
“We’ll go to the police if you don’t comply”     
  
The way she used  _ “we” _ angered Jaehyun even more. He dug his fingernails into his own fists so hard Taeyong was afraid he’d start bleeding.    
  
“ _ You  _ will go to the police, or _ Ho-Sub _ will go to the police? Do you want me to go to the press and tell them about the drama in our dear family company? I’m sure they’ll be happy to cover a story on how the promising heir of your company in reality is a violent, manipulative narcissist”    
  
“Don’t you dare Jaehyun! You’re talking about harming the company your parents have worked day and night for for over three decades!”    
  
“Well, luckily I’m not taking any part in your business. If you go to the police, I’ll go to the press. Simple”    
  
“That’s blackmailing! Furthermore, I know about this deal with you and this … this boy of yours. Ho-Sub told me! He’s your patient, Jaehyun! You might lose your license if this comes out!”    
  
“Oh but you’re the one who’s blackmailing me in the first place...” Jaehyun objected and crossed his arms.    
  
“Think about this very carefully, Jaehyun. I’ll send you the address for the counseling session next week. If you don’t come, we’ll make sure there will be some consequences” Mrs. Jaehyun said and made herself ready to leave.    
  
“Bye, mother” Jaehyun sneered and showed her out.    
  


  
When the door was closed, Jaehyun turned his back against the door and let himself fall down to the floor, burying his face into his palms. He looked beaten.    
  
Taeyong didn’t dare to move a muscle. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a quite difficult chapter. I had a hard time writing and I warn you that it might make you feel bad. But hey, angst is what I do, I guess. I swear this is not the end - it will end well, I can assure you. But I feel like I'm nearing the end soon. I've milked out pretty much everything I can out of this fic and it really brings down the quality of it.

The week that followed was rough.  
Way worse than Jaehyun could have ever expected, in fact.   
  
He could deal with losing his job; after all, he had known all along what a risk he took when he started dating Taeyong. And in the end, he still thinks that it is worth it, regardless of the fact that he ruined his chances to get to specialize together with Johnny at his home University. Taeyong on the other hand, with all his fiery beauty and steadfast heart, would definitely be worth it however messy their journey together seemed to be. Jaehyun had sensed these same kind of emotions when Taeyong was treated for that treacherous lung embolism. Even more so now - He would ditch his academic ambitions any day before this turbulent but wonderful love story. 

 

When Jaehyun took the news of losing his future job pretty well, Taeyong did not.  
  
The job, Mrs. Jung’s sudden visit, the mere existence of Ho-Sub, their secret being exposed… It was just all too much for such a fragile mind like Taeyong’s.  
  
It didn’t take long before Taeyong started worrying that Ho-Sub might be coming for him as revenge.  He asked Jaehyun to go check that all the locks on the front door were working.  He didn’t ask just once, but many times; hourly, even. Jaehyun also saw him sneak out of the bedroom during the night to go test the locks at least a couple of times. He also made Jaehyun promise him  not to open the door to anyone before making sure they were alone. Leaving the apartment was an absolute no-go for him - Jaehyun had no idea how he managed on his own after he left for work. As Taeyong’s obsessive thought patterns took a turn to the more extreme he also started having bad hallucinations again.  
  
  
  
  
After a especially tiring Wednesday at work Jaehyun came home to find Taeyong shivering on the bed with a kitchen knife in hand.  
  
His breathing was rapid and shallow, making the edge of the knife vibrated mid-air, but as he heard Jaehyun’s steps from the hallway he let the edge fall down against the mattress. Sweat made his chest glisten beneath his deeply cut t-shirt, and it seemed like had bit away most of his cuticles by how red and sore his fingers seemed to be.  
  
“Darling, why on earth are you-... Hyung, please, give me that” Jaehyun said worriedly as he saw the knife pointing down against the mattress.  
  
Taeyong continued to stare at Jaehyun with glassy eyes, however still not letting go of the knife. The whole situation was slightly frightening, even to Jaehyun who after all probably was the only person in the whole wide world that the older truly could trust. The hilt was held only limply in Taeyong’s palm, so after some contemplation Jaehyun decided to trust his delusional boyfriend not to hurt him and just leaned forward to take the potential weapon away from him. Jaehyun’s hair stood up in his neck when he felt the weight of the knife in his hand. He quickly ran to the kitchen to put it away.  
  
When he came back, Taeyong was sobbing against his palms.  
  
“What happened? Was he evil again? Did you see bad things?” He asked softly, rubbing his arm.  
  
The older swiped away a few tears before picking up his phone.  
  
When he spoke, he didn’t sound like himself at all. Only a meager thin whine escaped his lips as most of this voice got stuck somewhere deep in his throat.  
  
“I was just trying to protect myself…”  
  
Jaehyun hugged him tighter and looked down on Taeyong’s hands fiddling nervously with his phone.  
  
“One of my followers sent me this…” He continued and showed the screen of his phone to Jaehyun.  
  
It was a private conversation between an user and Taeyong, who apparently was completely unaware of the person’s identity. Taeyong seldom answered direct messages from strangers but this one couldn’t escape his attention.  
  


_Ayyzz90: Dude… is this true? Pretty sick!! :DD_   
_"Click the link to read the full article: “Instafamous Lee Taeyong allegedly dating his male doctor? 26 year old dancer hasn’t commented on his sexuality before but rumours has it-...”_   
  
  


“I… I didn’t know it already went public…” Taeyong stuttered and let the phone fall down between his legs.  
  
Jaehyun was shocked; he knew Ho-Sub was the lowest scum he’ll ever encounter, but he didn’t expect him to leak the info this soon. Or was it his mother who did it? Or someone at Ten’s party? Oh god, it could definitely be someone from Ten’s party, trying to make easy bucks on spilling rumours to shitty tabloids? Maybe it was Ten’s unfair revenge for the blowjob his guests relatively speaking got to experience out on his balcony? _Fuck_ , why did he have to be so drunk he forgot about the consequences…  
  
“It’s just a shitty rumour, don’t care about it too much” Jaehyun said.  
  
“But… But it is true, right? The truth will be out eventually so denying a rumor will just make things even more embarrassing”  
  
“You don’t need to comment it”  
  
“What if they contact me directly? My instaprofile is very much public after all - should I continue on with my posts as before and ignore this? Or address it publicly?”  
  
“Why do you  care so much about your social media? Baby, I’m more concerned about the fact that you were sitting here with a freaking knife in your hand when I came home”  
  
“I know someone… some people won’t like these news… some people might want to hurt me, won’t they? I already counted that… that… I lost over 100 followers.. no, it’s over a 200 now! Over 200 followers today! T-they, they might…”  
  
  
Jaehyun embraced Taeyong against his chest to shut him up. “Followers! Who cares about followers? They could be some random homophobic teens somewhere in Europe, for all I know. And you haven’t even posted anything for at least a week! I think it would be best for you to logout from that damn birdapp and take a break-”  
  
“No, no this is instagram, not twitter, _that’s_ the bird-”  
  
“Taeyong. Stop.”  
  
The older shuddered in his arms, feeling tense like a string, mere seconds from snapping. Even though Jaehyun did his best to pat his back in calm circular motions, humming a tune from some stupid show, slightly rocking the older back and forth - Taeyong couldn’t calm down even the slightest.  
  
And then his phone rang.  
  
The older flinched and fell out of Jaehyun’s hold, quickly crawling up to his feet on the floor.  
  
“OH MY GOD THEY KNOW I’M HERE!” Something with his eyes had changed, and it was definitely not for the good.  
  
“What? Who?”  
  
Taeyong bit his nails nervously as he paced back and forth on the floor. “They must have followed you here… THEY’RE COMING!” Then he let out a desperate shriek before starting to **cry** out loud.  
  
He ran towards the kitchen, stumbling over the mat and falling face forward down to the floor. Jaehyun was quick to follow, afraid he would do something irrevocable. He managed to grab his bony arm when the older was trying to get up to his feet again. It felt cold and sticky to the touch.,  
  
“DON’T THEY’RE ALMOST HERE” he screamed; wriggling, kicking, doing everything to free himself from Jaehyun’s hard grip. “LET ME GO!”  
  
Jaehyun felt a sharp pain at his wrist as he realized Taeyong had bit him. The shock was enough to let the older slip away from his grip.  
  
“What the f-... Hyung, calm down, it’s just me here!” Jaehyun said as he looked at the round bite mark on his forearm. It had started to bleed a little by the edges.  
  
Taeyong crawled towards the kitchen, hysterical tears running down his cheeks.  
“I DON’T WANNA DIE YET I DON’T WANNA DIE YET I WANNA DIE I WANNA FUCKING DIE--” 

  
  


  
That particular wednesday was indeed one of the worst Jaehyun had ever witnessed.  
  
Since Taeyong was falling into complete psychosis, there weren’t many other options than calling the ambulance, who eventually came accompanied by police due to safety reasons. It broke Jaehyun’s heart to tell the person answering the emergency number that Taeyong was a danger to both himself as to others in his current state, therefore being forced to be taken against his own will to the hospital. However miserable the words sounded coming out of Jaehyun’s mouth, it unfortunately was the truth; he wished he would have had the guts to act upon it earlier.  
  
Taeyong had been screaming non-stop for 40 minutes when the police arrived. He was clutching a pair of scissors, since Jaehyun had managed to block the way to the cabinet where he kept his knives.  
  
Heavy tears fell down Jaehyun’s cheeks as he saw three policemen pulling up Taeyong from the floor and binding him down onto a stretcher despite his violent kicking and protesting. A nurse injected something, probably lorazepam or haloperidol, into his thigh as his arms were being fastened. _If only Taeyong could have sought help earlier by his own will_ instead of being forcefully strapped down to a stretcher to prevent himself for hurting someone.  
  
As soon as the drug entered his central nervous system his erratic movements slowed down, his voice got sluddery and the light in his eyes started to subside. Jaehyun threw him one more look, trying to get past the madness and reach his heart, but Taeyong’s eyes were empty, just staring back through him like he was nothing but a shadow. Jaehyun felt so incredibly guilty for having done this deed to his lover, but there weren’t any other safe way out of this situation anymore. Despite being able to justify his action as both moral and rational, he still couldn’t deny that this was the worst feeling he had ever felt.  
  
“Mister?”  
  
Jaehyun quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before looking at the nurse who had addressed him. “Y-Yes?”  
  
“Has he taken any psychotropic substances today?”  
  
“Uhm… He takes quetiapine.. nothing else.. only.. only rivaroxaban… beta blockers as well, I think”. It wasn’t like Jaehyun was supervising his medication. He had generally no idea if Taeyong actually took his medicines as prescribed. All he could do was trust him.  
  
“Do you have any drugs available here?”  
  
Jaehyun felt himself growing cold as an ominous suspicion crept into his mind.  “Uhm, yes, but… only opioids and anxiolytics, they wouldn’t excite him like this, would.. would they? Or of course they could but.. but I don’t.. I don’t think he have-”  
  
“Could you please check if you’re missing something from your drug supply?”  
  


Jaehyun nodded and walked nervously towards the cabinet. He felt drunk, though he hadn’t swallowed a single drop. With shaky hands he went through his bottles and boxes of pills, one after one.  
  
After something resembling an eternity he finally turned around to the face the nurse.  
  
“There’s nothing missing. Just the painkillers I took last Sunday”  
  
And that was the truth. Taeyong wasn’t into drugs. His disease was there with or without them.  
  
The nurse scribbled something down on a notepad. “Good. Has he been under the influence of alcohol lately?”  
  
“N-no, no… I was drunk yesterday but I don’t think he took anything”  
  
“Has something discomforting happened lately that might have triggered the worsening of his mental state?”  
  
“Uhm…”  
  
Good question. Pretty much everything concerning Jaehyun and their relationship and the future of it? _Hold on - it’s not my fault, is it? It cannot be, right? I make him happy right? I make him… happy? Don’t I?_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Taeyong was taken to the psychiatric emergency. They kept him under supervision and deduced that he had to be taken into the ward for some time to change his medication. During the stay they also noticed that he was low on albumin and his electrolytes were off speaking of malnutrition, though his pulmonary embolism a few weeks ago obviously also did its damage.  
  
Jaehyun couldn’t follow him this time to the ward. He only got to hear what had happened to him the day after he was taken to the emergency. They told him they had had to calm him down with heavy drugs because of how aggressively psychotic he were at his new surroundings. For the moment he was sleeping soundly in his own room.  
  
“You can visit tomorrow when he’s stable” The nurse told him on the phone laconicly, probably tired of answering the same questions every single day.  
  
Yeah. He could visit him.  
  
He could.  
  
He did not.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehyun called his workplace to tell his boss that he had fallen sick. A lie, obviously. He shut off his phone, knowing that Taeyong was in safer hands at the hospital than with Jaehyun anyway, and went to bed. He lie there for two days, only getting up for going to the toilet and drinking some water. He was simply too broken inside to do anything else than sleep and exist. 

  
  


Eventually someone knocked on the door, heavily, frustratedly, time after time after time until Jaehyun felt obligated to open as not to disturb any neighbours. Having slept for this long the state of being awake and asleep blurred into one - Jaehyun had no clue if he had already been awake or if the knocking in fact woke him up. Either way, he didn’t care to check the time. His chin felt rough and bristly beneath his fingers, but his stomach didn’t rumble nor cramp. How long had he really been sleeping?   
  
As he opened the door he was met by his mother, looking grimmer than ever. Almost like she had aged - at least ten, fifteen years. Her hair had also turned a lighter shade of grey. It seemed like she had been under a great lot of stress lately (which she indeed had, thanks to her son).  
  
“Mom?” Jaehyun said with his coarse, unused voice.  
  
“Jaehyun! Why on earth aren’t you answering your phone??”  
  
“Huh? I turned it off”  
  
“Why?!”  
  
Jaehyun shrugged and rolled his eyes. Like it concerned her even the slightest. He’s a grown-up man, for god’s sake.  
  
“Jaehyun?”  
  
His mother looked at him with an odd face of perplexion, almost like she wasn’t sure if it really was her son standing in front of her. _What_ , he couldn’t possibly look _that_ bad after not having shaved for a few days?  
  
“Hyunnie?”  
  
“What??” he groaned.  
  
Mrs. Jung swallowed hard and looked down to her heel-clad feet for a short moment. When she looked back up again, the sternness in her gaze had been replaced by a mix of pity and sentiment.  
  
“You … you don’t know?” She said with a thin voice.  
  
“Know what? That I’ve lost my fucking job and that the whole world knows I’m a pervert or whatever they call me?”  
  
Mrs. Jung flinched by the crude words.  
  
“No… not that…” She took a step back as to protect herself from Jaehyun’s seething aura.  
  


“Then what?” Jaehyun spitted. Though his skin was burning on the surface, he felt a creeping cold grab hold of his stomach and his heart, just like he knew what words his mother was going to say. But in that moment of anger, he couldn’t listen to his guts.  
  
“That Mr. Lee… that he left the hospital…”  
  
He didn’t know it. But he still kind of did. _Curious. The mind works in such bizarre ways._  
  
“Taeyong??” He grabbed hold of his mother’s arms, urging her to tell more. “He left?? How?”  
  
“Uhm… no-one knows exactly … but… “ She hesitated, clenching her jaws slightly.  
  
“HE DID WHAT?” Jaehyun raised his voice as he shook her in an effort to make her spit out whatever she was holding in.  
  
“... he was found dead down here on the street”  
  
  
His bed sheets were soaked with sweat when he finally woke up with a gasp. Like, _really_ , woke up. The rapid beating of his heart echoed in his ears as he inhaled and exhaled sharply. A drop of sweat trickled down his temple to the pillow, and his stomach growled for food after having been starving for two days.  
  
 _It was just a bad dream._ _  
_  
Jaehyun let out a huge breath of relief. His mother would never let her hair go gray. Not in this world.

 

He really felt like shit. Sleeping this long made you almost feel hangover. Sweaty, sunky, hungry and unshaven, like a teenager having slept the whole day away after one shot too many. _Completely pathetic, to be honest_ . He couldn’t end up like this, heck no, his father hadn’t raised him to be this miserable, damn it.  
  
With a sigh he rolled over to his night stand and picked up his phone. It felt cool in his hand after having been turned off for two whole days.   
  
To his surprise, it didn’t beep too many times after having been turned on. A puny disappointment crept under his skin when realizing that he apparently weren’t that much missed.  
Yes, his mother had called him once and texted him a few times. Johnny’s meme spam. Some mails. Some mails from the hospital that he didn’t want to open right now. A shitload of junk mail from an online sexshop - he must have clicked some infected link by accident. His phone bill. But nothing from Taeyong. Not yet, at least.  
  
His mother had sent him the address to that ridiculous therapy appointment she had scheduled for him and Ho-Sub. Fucking hell, she really believed he would go there?  
  
 _Fuck._ _  
_  
Maybe he should go, after all? Because that’s exactly what that motherfucker… and mrs Jung.. that’s exactly what they think he won’t do.

 

 

So indeed, that’s what he did.  
A hot shower, a shave, a breakfast buffet and a latte with three espresso shots later Jaehyun was ready to face the world again. Well, as ready as a devastated man with a close to broken heart could be. Every ten seconds he had to tell himself that Taeyong loved him and would be okay again. He would be okay. He loved him. He would be okay… _But I can’t do anything for him at the moment._ _  
_  
Jaehyun was surprised by how easily he had given up as he heard that Taeyong had been taken into the hospital again. Last time he didn’t even hesitate to trick his way into the CCU, but now, he couldn’t find the courage in his heart to even drive down the lonely road to the University’s mental hospital. For once, he actually trusted the doctors at the mental hospital a thousand times more than he trusted himself. Unlike last time, when he actually was heavily invested in Taeyong’s physical health, the subject of concern right now was Taeyong’s mental issues; an alien field that scared Jaehyun to such extent that he wouldn’t even dare to say it out loud. He had never been good in the field of psychiatry. And however well he knew Taeyong and every corner of his body and all the rhythms of his heart, his diseased mind was foreign territory - something he merely recently got to take a peek at.  
  


Furthermore - he was afraid of what he might find when he stepped inside the closed doors of the psychiatric ward.. He was afraid of what a psychotic Taeyong could and might say and do before him. Yes, Jaehyun knew he was a coward, but he had been beaten to privileged pulp by his peers. His old wounds had to be licked before he took on some new ones. 

 

Nevertheless, that triple shot latte really helped him to get up to his feet again.   
  
  
  


 

The looks on Ho-Sub’s and his mother’s face were priceless as Jaehyun emerged through the door to the therapist’s office. The two of them were sitting cozily in a sofa with some stupid espresso cups in their laps. His mother swallowed down a lump in her throat, probably foreboding the drama that was about to commence.  
  


Jaehyun didn’t even feel like greeting them. “Okay, first of all: Why do look so surprised that I actually decided to join you for this complete, waste-of-time session? And second; why are you here, Mother? Isn’t this a thing between me and my… dear ex boyfriend?”  
  
The two of them stared at him without saying a word. Jaehyun took it as an allowance to continue on speaking. “... Though I actually believe that it’s Mother who doesn’t wanna choose between her actual son and that manipulator, am I not right?”  
  
Ho-Sub shifted nervously in the sofa, for once actually looking kind of regretful for ending up in this situation. It was obvious that this was all his mother’s idea.  
  
“Jaehyun! I … “ She looked sorry for a short moment before regaining her composure. “What are you blaming us for? You’re the one who physically hurt Ho-Sub here and then trashed his car!”  
  
“His car? You know he forced me to GIVE him that car?”  
  
“Jaehyun-” Ho-Sub tried, obviously not wanting _that_ episode to be known to Mrs. Jung. Jaehyun scoffed and furrowed his brows.  _Oh, this tea is too hot not to be spilled…_ _  
_  
“You know what? Keep that money you blackmailed out of me! Don’t bother to pay me back, I’ll rip the check. Fix that car of yours and get out of my sight, please!” Jaehyun spitted, crossing his arms in an attempt to be as cool as possible. It wasn’t easy though considering how his insides were boiling from rage.  
  
Mrs. Jung glanced nervously at Ho-Sub. “W-what money…?” She asked in a weak voice.  
  


“Oh shut up Jaehyun! I only did what’s best for you, but you’re too thick headed and childish to look at other options than staying with that ridiculous twink!” Ho-Sub spitted and got up from the sofa.  
  
“Oh, you know what’s best for me? Have you ever heard of relationships based on love and mutual respect?”  
  
Mrs. Jung glanced worriedly between both of them. “I’m sure you can work it out, it’s not like mine and your father’s relationship was perfect at all times either-” She said.  
  
“But Mother! I am in love! And it’s not with him! How can that be so hard to comprehend?” Jaehyun nearly shouted, pointing a finger at his ex.  
  
His mother shut her mouth and straightened her back against the sofa.  
  
Jaehyun took it as cue to continue. “Doesn’t that mean anything? Doesn’t it mean anything that the one I love loves me back as well?” He could feel the wet hotness burning in the corner of his eyes and he had to bite down on his lip hard as not to burst out in tears. This was not the time to cry and show weakness, especially not in front of his alpha mother and narcissistic ex-boyfriend.  
  
“Don’t you see how disrespectful you are towards us, when you treat Yongie like he doesn’t exist? Don’t you see how much it hurts me?”  
  
“Jaehyun, calm down, you’re overreacting” his mother tried.  
  
He?  
Overreacting? God, who do these people think he is? To have this discussion in the 21th century…  
  


“I WON’T CALM DOWN! My boyfriend is at the hospital again, partly because of… of HIM ruining our lives! I... I haven’t heard a word from him in a couple of days-...” Jaehyun voice cracked slightly, so he stopped to gather himself. An inaudible sob escaped his lips and he wished no-one noticed.  
  
“... is he sick again?” Jaehyun’s mother whispered.  
  
“So fucking weak” Ho-Sub muttered.  
  
Jaehyun smashed his fist against the wall. “I KNOW I have made mistakes, I know right?? But please, can’t you please let us be?? Please?” He begged.  
  
“What’s wrong with him, Jaehyun?” His mother tried with a genuine look of worry on her still beautiful face.  
  
The plea seemed sincere. After all, Mrs. Jung was a good person and a loving mother, and she didn’t deserve to let her question go ignored. Jaehyun clenched his fists.  
  
“He snapped. He just lost it after finding out we have been exposed. I don’t know for sure who leaked the information but all I can say is that it’s not the first time my sweet ex-boyfriend threatened us with spilling our unfortunate way of meeting to the public, knowing how it would ruin my career. Well, I’ll be unemployed in two weeks, so I guess he succeeded whether he’s to blame or not. Congratulations. I’m still not leaving Taeyong. Now, will you please leave us alone?”  
  
Ho-Sub scoffed and put on an ugly smile.  
  
“Well, maybe you should have known better than tapping your patients while still being in a relationship with me, cheater!”  
  
“I never cheated on you?? Seriously, can’t you just accept I broke up with you and I don’t wanna be with you?? Have you charred your brain on cocaine when it’s so unimaginable difficult to understand?”  
  
Ho-Sub laughed. “Hey, easy, we haven’t even started our therapy session yet”  
  
Jaehyun’s mouth fell open. He just couldn’t wrap his head around how he had ever tolerated to be around this vicious person. Oh, if he only could undo ever meeting him. Ever falling in … no, he refused to call the thing they had for love. It was mutual acceptance, at most. Anyways, Jaehyun had now reached his limit so it was time to leave this place before he smashed something.  
  
“Like I would let a therapist strip me off my dignity only to let psychopaths like you take advantage of my weakness” He muttered, and turned around to leave.  
  
Ho-Sub suddenly lost his temper and took a few brisk steps towards him.  
  
“Don’t you dare walk out on me. I’ll tell the cops who hit me” He spitted through gritted teeth, his feigned amusement long gone.  
  
Just as Jaehyun couldn’t decide whether to smash his own or Ho-Sub’s head into the wall, his mother made a sound to announce them that she still was very much present.  
She stood up as well and was met by both of the men’s gazes.  
  
“Ho-Sub. Stop”  
  
Ho-Sub blinked and turned to Mrs. Jung with a look of utter confusion, like he had suddenly been betrayed by his trustful ally.  “Mrs. Jung…?”  
  
“You heard me. Let him be. You’ve made him suffer enough. I can’t take seeing him like this” Mrs. Jung said and took a step towards Jaehyun.  
  
Jaehyun looked at his mother with wide eyes. For some reason he hadn’t expected her to stand up for him in this particular situation. After all, he _was_ in fact guilty of the wrongdoings he was accused of.  
  
“Mother….”  
  
“But-” Ho-Sub begun, sounding a thousand times less confident than just seconds ago.  
“I’m sorry dear, but I won’t let you hurt my son again. This is an order, if you wanna stay in this company” She said somewhat regretfully. It was probably not that easy for her to discipline her favourite employee, either.  
  
As Ho-Sub closed his mouth and backed away, looking like he just had been slapped by his own mother, Mrs. Jung turned towards Jaehyun.  
  
“And you, get your mess together, will you? Lay low for a while”  
  
Jaehyun swallowed his pride, nodded eagerly and bowed. He felt dizzy and sort of … baffled. He would have to organize his thoughts later; at the moment everything just flew around inside his head like a swarm of drunken bees.  
  
The therapist came at last to greet them welcome for their appointment.  
Needless to say, Jaehyun didn’t stay for the session. 

 

  
  
  
Jaehyun was so overwhelmed after what happened at the therapist’s office that he didn’t dare to drive home on his own just yet. He walked over to a cafe nearby, ordered an avocado toast with eggs (realizing that he actually was pretty darn hungry despite having stuffed himself at the breakfast buffet on his street) and sat himself down by a small table to just breathe freely for a while. He felt oddly relieved, almost lightheaded - It wasn’t exactly joy, but at least a better feeling than the excruciating anxiety he’d been feeling for the past couple of weeks.  
  
His mother had taken his side, after all. For once, she had listened to her son instead of that jerk with an eternal employee-of-the-month grin fixed on his face. Speaking of said employee; the company was _everything_ for Ho-Sub; he literally didn’t have a life outside the Jung family. Therefore, Jaehyun could rest assured knowing that he wouldn’t go against her.  
  
Jaehyun decided that he would gift her a huge bouquet of her favourite flowers (although he didn’t remember which ones they were - maybe he could ask his father) and send them to their house as a sign of gratitude. His mood was so uncanny he almost contemplated sending another bouquet to Ho-Sub as an apology for hitting him, but then again, the bitch deserved the punch more than an apology. With a little luck he wouldn’t need to see him again for a long while.  
  
His phone vibrated, but he didn’t check the message before he had finished eating his toast. His heart skipped at least a few beats when it hit him that it was Taeyong’s name blinking on his screen.  
  
Taeyongie 15.50  
 _Hello is this Jaehyun? Hello is this doctor Jaehyun? Hello are you there on deck? You can probably see me through the gate by the wall, right? I’m waving at you, hello, could you answer me at once, please? Doctor Jaehyun i’ve called you to tell you that while planning my grand escape I’ve encountered some minor problems! Hello are you still there? Ah, now I see you! Good, good. Yes I and doctor Jaehyun are talking can you leave please. Sorry, where were we, yes, the nurses, they’re part of the conspiracy, they know who I am and why I’m here and I’m certain they’re trying to take my phone away from me to prevent me from contacting the outside world... But they cannot know that I know, so I’m afraid you have to keep this information to yourself! I know they are waiting here outside this cell, negotiating about whether I’m ready for the second stage of shutdown. But I’m gonna trick them by escaping through to your side via your stargate by the wall. Jaehyun, if you’re with me, you just need to reach out your hand to my side and pull me in! I’m ready! Are you doing it already? Jaehyun, hello? Hello why are you just standing there doing nothing, is the line broken? What did you say? They’re spying on us? Those evil cocksuckers must have hacked my phone already! Okay, thank you Jaehyun, I get it now, they’re probably listening to us outside the cell door which is why they’ve been so silent for the last couple of hours. Okay. Okay go away dad please we are still talking. Okay. No you are lying. Okay okay okay, okay but Jaehyun now i’m afraid they might already have taken you and turned you to their side, maybe I should call the police OH SHUT UP-  
_

 

Jaehyun read through the wall of text a couple of times. It was like Taeyong was having a conversation over the phone in text with him. And yes, it was chaotic and very much psychotic. Goddamned it. The message creeped him out on so many levels he actually wanted to remove it, but that would have been unfair to Taeyong. It was the only thing he’d heard from him since Wednesday, be it completely crazy or not.  
  
He dialed him five times in a row. Unfortunately it was already over 30 minutes since Taeyong had sent the message so god knows what he was doing right now. Jaehyun sighed loudly and decided to leave the cafeteria to walk back to his car. He might as well drive to the hospital to see if they accept visitors to whatever ward Taeyong was being treated at.  
  
From the car he called his number a sixth time, this time however reaching through.  
  
“Taeyong?” Jaehyun said breathlessly. Maybe he could talk him back to reality.  
  
“Uhm, hello, this is nurse Kim in Lee Taeyong’s phone”  
  
Jaehyun’s shoulders got instantly loaded with a few more kilos of worry.  
“Oh. This is Jung Jaehyun, I’m his partner. He sent me a kind of weird text so I tried to call back”  
  
“You know he is at the hospital right now?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
“And you know why?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
The nurse sighed, apparently pleased with not having to explain the situation to a oblivious relative.  
  
“Okay, good, good. We had to take his phone away from him since he had tried to call the emergency number for twenty minutes straight. He kept blocking their lines”  
  
“Oh, okay”  
  
“....”  
  
“Uhm, how is he doing? I haven’t… I haven’t been able to visit or call since he got… since he got taken in” Jaehyun asked. **  
**  
“He’s showing some progress by having calmed down pretty nicely, but he’s still very delirious and paranoid. He also started to have visual hallucinations, maybe due to the completely new set of drugs our psychiatrist put him on yesterday.  Today he started believing that we nurses are conspiring against him, the usual stuff, you know. Poor boy thought my earrings were small microphones and didn’t let me go near him before I had removed them. Anyway, it will take some time before the new drugs start working.  
  
“How… how long?” Jaehyun’s mouth felt like sandpaper.  
  
“It depends, some patients more quickly than others. Days. Probably weeks. He will probably be kept her for treatment and therapy for at least a month, most likely two”  
  
“Right. Uhm, I haven’t… ah, I haven’t visited yet, when, uhm, can I visit?”  
  
“You can visit between 15-19. We keep it short to avoid stressing our patients more than necessary”  
  
“Okay. Well, thanks a lot. Thank you. Can I reach you through his phone?”  
  
“We’re going to turn it off. I suggest you call the ward if you need to contact us. The number is on the hospital website”  
  
And with that, they shut off Taeyong’s phone.  
Jaehyun ended up sitting in his car, staring at his phone, realizing that both of them were all alone now. Jaehyun with his guilt, Taeyong with his demons. But he would wait for him to get better. He would wait until he was strong enough to escape their small personal hell together. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …i'm sorry


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait.

Two months later.   
  
Jung Jaehyun finishes his cup of coffee and puts it cautiously down on the saucer. Mrs. Jung is sitting in front of him, still blowing hot air from the surface of the black liquid. They're seated in the kitchen. A framed picture of baby Jaehyun smiles down upon them from the wall.  
  
"You seem to be thirsty?" She asks kindly.   
  
Jaehyun sighs. "No, I'm just tired... I don't get much sleep nowadays". He gets up to pour himself another cup.   
  
"How long is the drive?"   
  
"An hour and a half with the traffic"   
  
"Aigoo, that's too long"   
  


Jaehyun hadn't managed to stay unemployed for more than one and a half week. He couldn't take being idle; Johnny was mostly working, Taeyong's visiting hours were limited, his gym routine kept him occupied for a maximum of two hours... He needed his job to keep sane (unfortunate choice of words considering the situation…)

And indeed, he was lucky to get a temporary position at the emergency of the internal medicine clinic at the neighbouring university hospital. Working at a proper hospital meant that he could earn experience on his journey towards becoming a specialist; something he wouldn't be able to do if he just went to a local private clinic to make big bucks on tedious flu's and trivial rashes.  
  
However, working in a different city also meant that he had to wake up veeery early to have time to commute to his new workplace. It was okay, though, for the moment. He didn't have much else to focus on anyways.   
  
"I'm just happy I have a proper job, even though it’s just a temporary position"   
  
"Hmm" was his mother’s reply. The whole business regarding Jaehyun losing his job due to Ho-Sub's jealousy as well as Jaehyun's own recklessness was awkward to say the least in Mr. and Mrs. Jung's opinion.  
  
  
Surprisingly enough, Ho-Sub had actually stayed out of sight after having been scolded by Jaehyun's mother - the fear of losing his position was certainly bigger than the urge to get back at his ex. It had been nice and quiet for almost two months now, and Jaehyun thought he finally might be able to relax around the headquarters of his family’s business. Since then, Jaehyun had texted un apologized to Ho-Sub for hitting him, and thanked him for not taking the matter to the police. Ho-Sub hadn't replied. According to his selfies on instagram the bruises had also vanished by now, and he seemed to be doing alright behind the facade of social media. But enough of that - Jaehyun had decided to kick that bastard out of  his life for good now.  
  
"How is Taeyong doing?"   
  
A warmth spread along the ribs of his chest when hearing his mother utter his lover’s name. During the last month, his mother had started to  show interest towards her son's new boyfriend. Or at least she had started to ask more questions about him and his well-being - probably in a silent attempt to ask forgiveness for her past behaviour.   
  
Jaehyun had been happy to tell her all about his good sides - and carefully filling in with the misfortunate sides as well. It wasn't like he was ashamed of his boyfriend being mentally ill - quite the opposite actually, as he was proud of him being strong enough to survive the hell he went through. Furthermore, it was time to get rid of the ridiculous taboo still surrounding the issue in their country.  
  
Jaehyun tried to visit Taeyong every day as long as he wasn't on call at the emergency. In that way he was well aware of his boyfriend's progress; after all, he had ventured quite deep into a paranoid psychosis.   
  
  
  
  
He did his first visit soon after having gotten Taeyong's odd textmessage. The ward itself was cozy and quiet, decorated in a relaxed manner as to make the patients feel safe and at home. The door to Taeyong’s room was a matte blue; the colour picked out for its calming effects. 

Jaehyun had been allowed inside Taeyong's private room without a nurse (though there was a camera supervising them). The room itself was nice; a little bit cramped, but cozy. The furniture was scarce though, as there weren’t more than one armchair and a desk next to the bed. Taeyong was sitting cross-legged by the small window (barred, like it had used to belong to a former prison) in his baggy hospital pyjamas. Jaehyun frowned upon noticing the scabs and small wounds on his bared arms and neck - he didn’t have those when he was sent to the emergency.   
  
The older's saucer-like eyes widened impossibly much as he saw his guest.   
  
"Jaehyunnie!" He yelped.   
  
"Hi, baby" Jaehyun answered calmly, doing his best to read the complex expression on his boyfriend’s doll-like face.   
  
"How did you sneak in here?"   
  
"Uhm, I..."

He was instantly interrupted by his boyfriend, now standing on his feet. "Are you here to get me out??"  
  
Jaehyun took a few steps towards him. "Well, no-"   
  
The older's lower lip trembled slightly. "Or... Do they know you are here?"   
  
"Who? The nurses? Well yes of course the nurses know I'm here"   
  
Taeyong's shoulders sunk at once and he went back to sit onto the chair by the window.   
"Of course. I should've guessed they'd use you against me" He shook his head in defeat.   
  
Jaehyun faltered in his steps, confusion evident between his brows.

"What- what are you talking about? Who’s against you? We are all here to help you"  
  
Taeyong raised his index finger. "So they say! Hah, lucky I am not that stupid as to fall into their trap"   
  
Jaehyun walks up closer to reach out his hand for his boyfriend. But as his fingers were just mere inches away from stroking the other’s arm Taeyong flinches, and immediately jumped up from his chair to push his back close to the wall.   
  
"Don't!!!!" He wheezed.   
  
"I can't touch you?" Jaehyun asked worriedly, feeling a bit hurt.   
  
"They've probably implanted some virus on you in an evil attempt to taint me. If you listen closely, the buzzing on you is quite prominent as well. I guess they implanted some trackers on you as well. It's safer if you stay a few feet away"   
  
"But why would they want to bug any of us up?"   
  
"To control me of course!! You know, I suspect that they implanted sensors under my skin when I was in a drug-induced sleep. I've tried to dig them out but I still haven't found more than just a couple wires"   
  
_So that's why he has all those scabs and wounds on his skin… Wires? What wires-_ _  
_ Taeyong proceeded to talk about how the nurses were actually government spies and the doctor's were alien technology researchers, and eventually Jaehyun was forced to shut his delusional storytelling out as not to go insane himself. When he finally left the room Taeyong didn't seem to even notice; he just continued rambling on and on and on...  
  
The paranoia and the mania gradually diminished within a few weeks. But down with them went also Taeyong's spirit and vitality, and eventually Jaehyun found it hard to even get a proper connection with him through his heavy apathy. The psychiatrist told him it's partially adverse effects of the new drugs they've put him on.  The heavy psychotherapy seemed to be quite emotionally draining on its own as well.  
  
  
  
  
It was a few weeks into treatment, and Jaehyun was seated on the bed next to Taeyong, holding his hand and drawing small soothing circles over his bony knuckles. He was eating less now again due to the apathy; the nurses had asked the kitchen to prepare him some milkshakes and different kinds of ice cream if that was what he wanted at the moment. Due to his past history of eating disorders it was better not to just toy around his lack of appetite. Jaehyun contributed by bringing a whole shopping bag full of sweets every now and then, or whenever Taeyong was asking for even the smallest thing. Last time he brought him every single Pocky flavor he could find in the department store after the nurse told him how his boyfriend had asked  for a taste after seeing another patient munch on a stick.   
  
"Are the other patients nice to you here?"  
  
Taeyong stared emptily at the wall, but he was there all right, judging by how he clutched Jaehyun's fingers.   
  
"yeah"   
  
"And the nurses are nice as well?"   
  
"Yes"   
  
"Jennie, your own nurse, she's really sweet isn't she?"   
  
"She is"   
  
Jaehyun chuckled. "Do you still believe she watches you sleep on hidden camera?"  
  
"...no"  
  
"You’re so sweet" Jaehyun hummed and patted his head. His black hair was getting quite long as well, but it suited him. Jaehyun imagined him still having pink hair, and thought that he really would have looked like a cotton candy fairyprince with hair this long.   
   
Jaehyun told him about his new work, about his new co-workers, about the latest gossip concerning Johnny, about his mother and how she'd decided to start working from home instead of the official offices (he didn't mention that it was because of the decision to grant Ho-Sub more responsibilities at the office).   
  
"Did I tell you that Johnny got asked out on a date by that Thai dude?" Jaehyun mused. Taeyong’s eyes lit a little up. He used to like gossiping when he still was active on instagram. After he got his phone back, Taeyong had written a post for his followers telling that he was taking a break due to health reasons. Jaehyun almost teared up when swiping through the comment section, seeing so many people wishing him a speedy recovery.   
  
"No you did not. That's wack. Did he accept the offer?"  
  
"He refused to tell me, but I got the feeling he might go ahead with it. I mean, he told me earlier that he really enjoys spending time with him"   
  
"Cute" Taeyong said and squeezed Jaehyun's hand harder. “By the way, Jaehyunnie, weren’t you here yesterday? Jennie told me that I was just imagining things, but I’m certain you were here yesterday. We played mobile games, right?”   
  
It broke his heart to tell the truth. “No, I did not visit you yesterday”    
  
“Oh” Taeyong said with a small sigh. “It felt so real”   
  
They didn't talk that much about the reason why Taeyong was being locked up at the mental ward. Jaehyun reckoned he got to talk about that well enough with his psychotherapist, and he didn’t want to ruin their time together by upsetting the other.   
  
Taeyong was still plagued by heavy hallucinations, predominantly audible but apparently also visual. The nurses found him talking to "someone" on daily basis, occasionally alerted to his room by his screaming. Because of his earlier attempts on self-harm (whether intentional or not; most of the time he felt like having bugs crawling under his skin causing him such discomfort he'd rather tear his skin open) they had to keep a close eye on him. Obviously the room was devoid of anything that he could use to hurt himself with, but he still had his teeth and nails and the walls that very much weren't soft.   
  
Jaehyun only knew these things because the nurses had told him - in his company, Taeyong seemed fairly at peace with himself. It could also be that he tried his best to keep himself together whenever he got visitors, Jaehyun couldn’t tell. It was obvious that he was fighting himself on the inside constantly.   
  
"When will you visit us again?"  
  
Jaehyun ignored the "us", hoping he referred to Jennie and not to the voices inside his head.

"In three days. I am on call the entire weekend, unfortunately"  
  
"Okay" Taeyong tensed up disappointedly.   
  
"You can still call me okay? I'll answer as long as I aren't tending to a patient. You still have your phone, right? Or did they take it away again?"   
  
"No, uh…  I have it. I have my phone" he said with a strained smile.   
  
"That's good darling"  
  
Taeyong looked down on their interlocked hands, a gruesome sadness evident in his deep doe eyes. Since a few weeks back, the bags under his eyes had gotten puffier and darker, and small, tiny lines now decorated the edges of his eyes. Sorrow didn't suit him; then again, did it suit anyone? Jaehyun wished he could be there to wipe the tears from his beautiful eyes whenever the taps were opened, but unfortunately he was restricted to the visiting hours and his own job. At least he could try to be there by heart.   
  
The one emotion he desperately tried to avoid picking up from Taeyong's nowadays scarce expressions was guilt. Jaehyun hated, utterly despised the fact that such a horrid emotion could ever have entered Taeyong’s cognition.   
  
He knew that the older felt guilty. Guilty for once again tearing them apart with his sickness; guilty for being such a bother. And however many times Jaehyun assured him that guilt was the last thing he should feel, he knew that the guilt that had already laid its roots deep in Taeyong’s mind wouldn’t let itself be erased just like that.   
  
_We are both guilty,_ he thought. Guilty of falling in love in unfitting circumstances - not of falling in love with the wrong person, no - the two of them were destined to meet, and Jaehyun didn’t even believe in destiny. But if only they could have met a little bit sooner, and in any other venue than Jaehyun's doctoral offices.   
  
If anyone should feel guilty, it was Jaehyun himself - he couldn't foresee Taeyong's embolism, nor the deterioration of his sanity, because of how clouded his field of vision had become from falling in love.   
  
Like a direct tug on his heartstrings, Jaehyun felt a faint pull at his free hand.

"Will you lie down with me for a while? I'm really tired" Taeyong asked in a small voice.  
  
It broke his heart to hear how weak the older sounded, but he squeezed his hand and smiled reassuringly towards him with a nod.   
  
"I'll be here until they throw me out" he said, and proceeded to lie down on the narrow bed next to his boyfriend. Taeyong instantly nuzzled up against his chest, pushing the crown of his head under Jaehyun's chin. His hair smelled weirdly familiar despite having been washed with some generic shampoo.  
  
Jaehyun wrapped his arm around the tinier frame and held him close until he felt the other's breathing even out.

"Everything’s okay now" he whispered and rubbed his back. "I'll take you home soon"  
  
"I'll be okay with you" Taeyong hummed contently and let himself fall asleep against his own personal safe haven.   
  
  
  


 

The last time Jaehyun visited was the day before he had lunch with his mother.

Taeyong was doing a whole lot better; the new drugs they put him on (The psychiatrist had lectured Jaehyun on the importance of recognizing psychosis, and Jaehyun had felt like such a loser that he promised to read all he could find on the subject) had slowly helped to make his hallucinations appear less disturbing, until they only remained as a faint whisper in the back of his head. With the help of psychotherapy he had learnt to meditate and take back control over his stormy mind, forcing the false accusations and hateful scorn away from the conscious corners of his mind. Jaehyun had never meditated himself, but he reckoned it could be good for his own blood pressure as well. He had promised to get them both a yoga mat as soon as he got to take Taeyong home.  
  


Home - a rather troublesome affair at their current state.  
His psychotherapist had allowed Taeyong to go home now - on one condition; he wasn’t allowed to be alone during the first week. This was because of how the move back home might stir up some inner stress that in the worst case might drag him back into psychosis.   
  
Taeyong's roommate was too sleazy to be trusted, plus that he as well had a day job despite seeming to spend the majority of his life on the couch. Jaehyun had to work, too - he was way too fresh at the hospital to ask for an entire week off yet.  
  
"Have you talked to your parents?"  
  
Taeyong scoffed and shook his head angrily. "Duh. I didn't even tell them I'm here"   
  
"You didn't?" Jaehyun asked, feeling quite sorry for him.   
  
"I don't need their pity. They threw me out so they don't deserve me back either"   
  
"Mhm...."   
  
"What?" Taeyong sneered at Jaehyun. "You haven't met them so don't think you know what I should do"   
  


They had never really talked about Taeyong’s parents, since it obviously was a sore spot for him. The only thing Jaehyun knew was that they kicked him out for coming out and kept on being on bad term with him ever since. Taeyong was way too proud to crawl back to his parents - therefore he relied on his sister to keep him updated about their health and so forth. Jaehyun refused to believe they had no love left for their own flesh and blood, but who was he to tell him that considering how he himself was born with a silver spoon in his mouth as an only child in a wealthy family.  
  
It hurt a little to know that his boyfriend would never take him home to meet his parents, but heck, you don’t get to choose your relatives, do you?   
  
"How about your sister then?"   
  
"She lives in another city, remember? I'm supposed to go home, but if you aren't even in the same city it ain't home. And she probably has work to do, being an lawyer and all that"  
  
Jaehyun sighed internally at Taeyong's reluctance to be in contact with his family, but obviously this wasn't Jaehyun's battle to fight. All he could do was support him whether he agreed with him or not.   
  
"Your dancing friends then?"  
  
Something changed in Taeyong's expression. The scorn in his glare from talking about his family softened up to something melancholic, and he gathered his arms around his knees as to make himself smaller.

When thinking about it, Jaehyun couldn't remember Taeyong speaking much about his friends. He remember seeing them at the club a long time ago when Taeyong was still actively dancing. But otherwise he didn't know of instances where Taeyong would have met with them outside the studio.  
  
"Mmm, nah, since I got sick...I- I don't feel comfortable bothering them with my illness. It's too personal"   
  
Jaehyun patted his head and decided not to push further.

"You know, let's not stress about it, okay? You'll be ready to leave when the time is right"  
  
  


***

 

“Taeyong is doing a lot better, thanks for asking. I went to see him yesterday” Jaehyun replied smilingly.  
  
His mother inclined her head and smiled back.   
“That is good to hear”  
  
“Yes. As soon as we find someone who could look after him the first week he’s out of hospital he’ll be good to go.”  
  
Mrs. Jung hummed, and put her coffee cup down. A few seconds of silence followed, filling the space between them in a quite comfortable way.   
  
“Jaehyun… “ Her voice faltered slightly, instantly gaining Jaehyun’s attention. “I’m … I’m sorry I treated you two ungracefully a few months back”  
  
“Oh.” Yeah, that had been a hard time for Jaehyun, considering how his parents always had showered their love over his ex-boyfriend instead. “It’s okay, I get it”   
  
“N-No, it’s not. As your mother I should have been able to read you better. I thought that this new fling of yours was just a patch up relationship after breaking up with Ho-Sub. Furthermore, the things Ho-Sub told me about him weren’t the most flattering, so honestly speaking I wasn’t too keen on accepting this new boy by your side”   
  
Her words affected Jaehyun more than he wanted to admit. For his own Mother to say that… it felt highly hurtful, to say the least. He refused to share a single thought on the fact that Ho-Sub probably lied about Taeyong to Mrs. Jung - that vicious man didn’t deserve a single scrap of Jaehyun’s cognitive capacity anymore.   
  
“Ho-Sub treated me lousily. Taeyong treats me well. That’s enough reason” he muttered.   
  
“Yes, I believe you now! I hope you will forgive me for being so cold towards you. Jaehyun, I’m sad I wasted the chance to get to know him the proper way”   
  
“We’re not planning to separate so you’ll probably have lots of chances to meet him as long as he’s out of the hospital” Jaehyun said with maybe the slightest touch of annoyance in his voice. If his mother could have realized this just a little bit earlier both him and Taeyong might have been spared from having their self-confidence take a hit in silence.   
  
“I’m ashamed of myself and I want to earn your trust back. So I was actually thinking that… that maybe I could look after Taeyong for that required week?”  
  
Jaehyun’s jaw dropped. “What?”   
  
“Yes, I mean, I work from home nowadays anyway, so he could stay in our house. He would get the guestroom, the one with the private bathroom. I could keep an eye on him and make him food…”   
  
“Wow, okay. Okay” Jaehyun stammered.   
  
“I want to get to know him. You seem to love him, after all?” Mrs. Jung said with affection.   
  
“Yes” Jaehyun said, still shocked, “Yes I do love him”. And he did. More than ever, even after these two months of only seeing Taeyong for a couple of hours every other day. Because the distance, both mental and physical, wasn’t necessarily an absolute evil - Jaehyun had had time to clear his mind, to organize his thoughts onto a clean slate. With an untouched body he could keep his head free from the delirious highs brought by desire and heavenly pleasure. With a healthier self he could be stronger for Taeyong - and enjoy their little time together wholeheartedly. From now on, he would feel grateful for every day. For every kind word, for every smile, for every touch. He would be grateful for every moment of Taeyong being at peace with himself.   
  
“Then I want to get to know the person my son loves”   
  
Jaehyun looked down onto his hands. The hands that wanted to hold his boyfriend so impossibly close to his own core. Mrs. Jung’s offer was generous. But would Taeyong agree? Could he possibly agree? Or would he be insulted by offering him his mother since Taeyong was alienated from his own family? Yes, he might be offended, but at least he could try to propose the idea. The faster they got him out of the hospital, the better.   
  
“I will ask him”   
  
Mrs. Jung let out a breath of relief. “Good! Good… I was afraid you’d condemn me for even suggesting such a thing”   
  
“No, I am happy to see you acknowledge him. I will ask him. I hope he’ll take your generous offer” Jaehyun said and bowed slightly in front of her.   
  
  
  
  
  
Despite Jaehyun’s pessimistic prediction, Taeyong did in fact accept the offer (the private bathroom being the dealbreaker). Probably anything would suffice as long as it didn’t involve his own relatives or another hospital.  So the next saturday, Jaehyun took Taeyong back to his own childhood home; but not before Taeyong had hugged all of his nurses goodbye and left his stash of candies to the common living room (A younger patient’s mother had once been angry with Jaehyun for letting Taeyong keep so much sweets in the ward; she blamed him for ruining her daughters teeth…Which was a pretty fair concern, after all).  
  
Mrs. Jung had prepared the guest room for Taeyong, making sure he had absolutely everything he needed; even cookies, tea and a small water boiler.   
  
They had a somewhat awkward dinner together (I mean, how is it not awkward to have your significant other dining together with your parents for the first time?), but Jaehyun was pleased to see Taeyong eating with a good appetite and complimenting the chef. His mother later pointed out that she thought it was endearing to see Jaehyun having his eyes glued onto the newcomer by the table. It was true, though - he couldn’t drag his eyes off him, though this time it wasn’t just because of his stunning beauty. Sometimes he really felt like he was supervising a child as he found himself worrying about whatever move Taeyong was going to do next. But despite being even older than Jaehyun, Taeyong didn’t seem to mind Jaehyun fussing around him. His mind was so weary after having been thrown around in a mental washing machine for the last couple of months that he didn’t mind at all having someone look after him; picking up the pieces that had fallen out of his broken engine called brain.   
  
After dinner, they both ended up lying next to each other on the bed in the Jaehyun’s old room. Nostalgia lulled Jaehyun’s mind as he felt like a hormonal teenager again, lying next to his first boyfriend on a cramped bed while his parents washed the dishes in another part of the house. Taeyong actually shared some features with his first boyfriend; full pouty mouth, wild hair, clothes that were too big. He smelled and _felt_ completely different though. And Taeyong was in every way so much more; more of _everything_ , and then everything was what a not so humble Jaehyun could ever ask for. Inevitably, sorrow walks hand in hand with happiness, and with his profession Jaehyun had learnt to respect the rocky aspects of life as well. It didn’t matter what F-starting codes Taeyong had in his journals. Without them, he wouldn’t be Taeyong at all, would he? It wasn’t like Jaehyun didn’t have issues himself, goddamnit. If it wasn’t for his family’s wealth he might have ended up somewhere completely different than medical school. Being a doctor didn’t justify anything - it didn’t make him any more a saint than his grandma’s grumpy cat.   
  
Speaking of cats.   
  
“Taeyong?” Jaehyun said as he fingercombed Taeyong’s hair. The older was leaning against his chest, drawing mindless patterns on the naked skin between Jaehyun’s t-shirt and his jeans, almost purrying if Jaehyun let his imagination run free. His clean scent, though unfamiliar due to the latest selection of hospital shampoo’s, filled his nostrils in an almost entoxifying way.   
  
“Hmm?”   
  
“It’s really cheesy and all that, but I’m seriously so happy to finally have you visit my family’s home”   
  
Taeyong chuckled against his chest. “You’re such a romantic”   
  
“Yeah, I am! Like, lying here, with you, in this crampy bed, with that ugly wallpaper my mother chose twentyfive years ago… Gosh, never thought nostalgia would make me this worked up”   
  
Taeyong exhaled slowly before nuzzling his head under Jaehyun’s chin. Jaehyun took it as a cue to continue.   
  
“And of course, the thing that makes me the happiest, is obviously having you back by my side”. He swallowed. “While you were locked up, I had a lot of time to think. To think about us, mainly”   
  
The man in his arms tensed up slightly by hearing the last sentence.   
“I’m sorry for having been such a bother” Taeyong mumbled apologetically.   
  
Jaehyun flexed his neck to take a look at his boyfriend. “What? No, no, actually, it’s totally the other way around. I’m the one with a problematic ex-lover and a time-consuming job. I’m the one who should be sorry, not you”   
  
“Oh” The older patted Jaehyun shoulder slightly. “I guess you do have a point. And still I chose you, ain’t it curious?”   
  
Jaehyun thought his heart was about to jump out of his chest. “Very curious. I really am the luckiest person on the planet”   
   
“Hah. Now, let’s drop that stupid subject since we only end up blaming ourselves“ Taeyong said knowingly. “So...what will happen now?”   
  
Jaehyun furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Like, now when I’m back in real life”   
  
“You stay here for a week under my mother’s watchful eye and then if you feel okay you’ll move back to your place, or, if you want, preferably, to my place. Actually I don’t see any reason for you to stay in that apartment. No offense to your roommate, but the place is kinda filthy and old”   
  
The older got up to his forearms so that he could look at Jaehyun properly.   
  
“But I’m on sick leave, Jaehyun. I don’t have any income. I haven’t even finished my degree yet! I’m broke as fuck and I feel like I should at least contribute in some way if I move in to your fancy apartment” He said regretfully.   
  
Jaehyun sighed and cupped Taeyong’s cheek.

“Okay. Let’s get a few things straight. With your degree – take all the time you need. You are in no rush whatsoever. The degree is there waiting for you when you feel motivated enough to put it together. I’ve seen you work, Hyung, you don’t have much left on your project. You just need to tie up a few loose ends. And you know what? I almost wish I hadn’t graduated at such a young age, because it feels like I haven’t done anything else than worked my ass off since I started university. It’s completely okay to take a breather for a few months or even years, if that’s needed”  
  
Jaehyun let his own head fall back against the cushioning and pulled Taeyong with him down against his chest before he continued. “I beg you to stay with me. I’d pay you to stay with me if I was more of a jerk than I already am. Don’t – for the love of god – don’t worry about payments. Your well-being is more valuable for me than any treasures”  
  
Jaehyun kissed his hair softly. “And if you really feel like you have to repay me in some way, feel free to cook whatever you want in my kitchen”  
  
Taeyong laughed, his firm body vibrating against the man beneath him. “You’re always just thinking about food, aren’t you?”   
  
“No. I’m always just thinking about you”   
  
Jaehyun wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and hugged him tight. He wished he could hug him so hard that their bodies would emerge into one. Letting go wasn’t an option. Even though their physical bodies would eventually separate from the hug, their souls would be entwined with each other for however long Taeyong loved him back. That was a promise Jaehyun had made himself already weeks ago.   
  
“What will you do about your work?” Taeyong mumbled against him.   
  
“Ah, I’ll get used to the morning drive. It’s just a one year contract, anyway. I’ll figure it out. It’s just a job”

To say those words had taken a lot of mental preparation. For many years his main goal had been to become a pediatrician or a specialist in internal medicine, saving lives at a busy emergency. The idea of working as a general practitioner at some random clinic was something he had regarded as a waste of time, really, since it wouldn’t help him on his journey to achieve his goals. Jaehyun had been too self-absorbed to see the whole picture. He had now realized that it wouldn’t necessarily be that easy to achieve his goals as fast as he originally wanted. And as the biggest epiphany of them all, he finally grasped the fact that there really wasn’t any reason to rush either. He’s still young. Young people have almost an entire lifetime ahead to spend working, anyway. Still to his day, he hadn’t met a single elderly saying that they regretted working too little.  
  
“Do you like it there?” Taeyong said as he intertwined their hands.   
  
 “Yeah, I do. It’s a pity I couldn’t work with Johnny, though. Luckily he sends me loads of memes every day to soothe the pain from having a professional long distance relationship”   
  
“Tsss. Hey, did he ever go on that date with that guy, Ten, wasn’t it?” Taeyong snickered.   
  
“Oh, didn’t I tell you?” Jaehyun said with some feigned surprise. “Oh my god I didn’t! Yes, he did! He did. He actually said…ah, no”   
  
“Finish the sentence!”   
  
“He said that he almost started to sympathize with me being all heart-eyed in front of cute boys”   
  
“Boys in plural?”   
  
“Hey, don’t judge me, Johnny has known me ages before I met you”   
  
Taeyong scoffed and raised himself back up to his forearms so that he could lean in and give his boyfriend a tender kiss.   
“I’m the only boy for you” Taeyong whispered and kissed him again, lips warm and wet against Jaehyun’s.    
  
Jaehyun grabbed his neck and pulled him closer, matching the other’s movements with his own. God, how much he loved to kiss those lips. The older melted into his touch, breathing soft puffs of air every now and then against Jaehyun’s skin. Whether it was Jaehyun’s purpose in life to save lives or not, kissing those lips and saving that beautiful man from himself definitely was.  
  
  
After having kissed for an undefinable amount of time, they eventually found themselves embracing each other just like moments before. Something heavy and eminent filled the space around them, hot and sweet like their breaths combined together. Jaehyun stroked Taeyong over his back while staring up at that familiar ceiling. He felt the other getting restless by how he moved his hands and toes, like he was contemplating hard on whether to stay or go.   
  
“Jaehyun”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“I-I have to tell you something”   
  
As his mouth was suddenly dry as a desert, Jaehyun stayed quiet, waiting, for whatever secret coming his way.   
  
“Before we met, I was... I wasn’t doing good at all. The voices had been driving me mad for so very long. But after having been kicked out from my parents house, I felt too ashamed to make a big deal out of myself a second time. I went through the eating disorder and all that, but I felt like I was already such a bother so I didn’t want to bring up my other issues. Eventually I hit rock bottom. I tried to hurt myself a couple of times, Jaehyun. Once I injected random amounts of whatever shady shit I found on the streets. I immediately regretted the decision, and luckily found myself still alive after tripping balls for a couple of hours”   
  
_I still I failed to notice his desperation when he came to my appointment,_ Jaehyun thought, clenching his fists in Taeyong’s top.   
  
“I didn’t know it then, but during my failed injection I managed to inject some air into my veins. The embolism I had, it was… it was air, all along. I nearly choked to death because of air, ain’t that ironic? Anyways… I was too ashamed to tell you this when the doctors at the hospital figured it out. I asked them not to tell you, and they respected my request. At the same time I trusted you not to read through every single page of my hospital records, and you didn’t.”   
  
“Because, after meeting you … I didn’t wanna die anymore. The voices were still as loud and vicious, but being with you, just thinking about you, was a good enough distraction to make it through the day”   
  
“Hyung… Why… Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”   
  
“Because I thought you’d walk away”   
The older suddenly chuckled. “I was being so stupid”   
  
Jaehyun sighed deeply, trying to process what he just had heard. How could he have missed it? Didn’t he ask all the right questions? How could he have been so thick-headed as not to read him correctly-   
  
Taeyong turned once again around to look at Jaehyun, this time noses just mere inches apart.   
  
“And don’t you dare blame yourself! I lied to you, or at least deliberately withheld some crucial information. It’s not your fault”   
  
His eyes were as black as ever, swallowing the younger whole like he was a sleeping fisherman caught in a sudden storm. It wasn’t a question of forgiving the older, since he didn’t need to be forgiven, but a question of forgiving himself for his ignorance. But if Taeyong didn’t want him to blame himself, he wouldn’t. At least not consciously.   
  
“Okay” Jaehyun said quietly. “Thanks for telling me”   
  
Taeyong pecked the side of his mouth.   
  
“Yeah, I promised the psychotherapist to be honest with you from now on. Sorry if it ruined your happy day of childhood nostalgia” the older mused against his cheek.   
  
Jaehyun chuckled and shook his head. Then he grabbed the older by his waist and pulled him down against his chest one more time. “Come here. Let me hold you.   
  
A million thoughts and one went through Jaehyun’s mind as he held his boyfriend close. In all honesty, had he not been blinded by love already at their first meeting? It surely wasn’t called “blinded” for no reason - he had to accept the mistakes that had been made when being affected by such an overpowering emotion. _I mean, it’s just human, alright?_   
  
Another part of him was wondering if things would ever be okay again. Or if this moment of togetherness and mutual understanding towards each other was just as fleeting as Taeyong’s serenity. If it was up to just him, he would do his best to make this moment last forever. He could try, at least.   
  
  
They had been lying still for some while now, both dwelling on the present and the prospect of a uncertain future. Taeyong was the one to break the silence.    
  
“Don’t you ever let me go, Jaehyun” Something warm and wet fell against Jaehyun’s t-shirt. He couldn’t look his boyfriend in the eyes right now, since he knew he would start crying then too. He only squeezed him harder against his rapidly beating heart, hoping it would sing a song of trust and   
devotion.   
  
“I will never let you go” he whispered. “We will be together for as long as you want”  
  
The older sniffed and kissed the naked skin above Jaehyun’s collar.   
“Forever, it is then. Say the words” he said with a broken voice. Broken, but strong enough to live and love and prosper.   
  
“I love you and I forever will” Jaehyun replied.   
  
The older swallowed hard. “I love you too. More than anything.”   
  
And both of them knew that the other’s words were true. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> I had to finish this fic now. Surely there's lots of things that still could be written. But the fic as it is, it had to end. 
> 
> Thank you, truly, all of you who read this fic all the way to the end!!!! <3<3  
> A huge thank you to all of you who commented <3 It really means a lot to me!!! 
> 
> As I've said before, the medical stuff in this fic is very light and dramatized, I don't know how the health care system in Korea works, unfortunately, sorry for that. 
> 
> Jaeyong fated <3


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